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Red flag trigger in my new relationship

So I am just shy of 2 years into a relationship with my fiancee. Overall we have a great relationship where I feel valued and appreciated and honestly treated much better than I have ever been in my life. At the start of our relationship we were open and honest with each other about our pasts in all aspects. What we had been through, and who some of our ex's were.

About three months into our relationship her one ex from 2 yrs prior she had remained distant friends with, decided he had made a mistake and actively started to try to persuade her to mess around with him. She shut him down, immediately, and repeatedly and made sure he knew in no uncertain terms that that would never happen. She told me immediately and showed me all the messages. Every few months he would try again and she would do the same thing, shut him down, and let me know. I told her after the 3rd time this repeated itself that she needed to remove him from her life. From being cheated on I just cant have her be in contact with someone who has repeatedly tried to get her to betray the trust in our relationship. I told her it was a deal breaker for me and that I could not have him in her life, and continue to try and build trust, and a life, with her.

She apologized and agreed with me and blocked him on Facebook, messenger, and his phone number so he couldn't contact her. This after telling him she could not be friends with him anymore as he obviously could not respect boundaries, and that it was disrespectful to her, and me. I as well messaged him and said to stay out of her, and my life. I told her that if he tried to contact her again she needed to let me know... Well he tried again. After a year of no contact. He found another method to contact her.

What made this such a huge trigger / flag for me is this... she didnt tell me this time. I only found out by accident when I went to use her phone to look something up. I stumbled on messages he sent her through Instagram. Him trying to get her to reminisce about when they were together, her shutting him down and talking about me.. nothing inappropriate on her end.. but she never told me..

I stewed on it for over a week before I confronted her. I told her how much of a red flag this is for me.. something I cant ignore. But I dont know if she truly gets how much this one act damaged my trust in our relationship. This was how my XW started her betrayals. How my XW went down the path to her destruction of our marriage in just this way. By not shutting pursuers out of her life.

This one act, it took me right back down the rabbit hole of self doubt and wondering what I did wrong you know? I flat out told her no more contact. She doesn't know how I knew.. or that I saw the messages in their entirety. Now I'm periodically looking to see if there was any more contact and if there is.. I'm honestly done. I will get out before I can be hurt so catastrophically again. I told her before how damaging him being around was, now I wonder if she truly gets it, and if I'm a damn fool all over again.

28 comments posted: Wednesday, March 25th, 2020