Relationship with the ex

Hello all!! I am dating a wonderful man and have stumbled on something that has given me pause. Not so much that I think he has done anything wrong, but that it isn’t something I have any experience with so I thought maybe y’all could give me some different viewpoints.
I have been divorced for 5 years now from an ex who had multiple affairs. I have multiple children and the ex and I barely speak to one another. For instance, I have not spoken to him on the phone since we separated. We text only when necessary and about the kids. I don’t hate him, I just have no place for him in my life.
My boyfriend has been divorced approximately the same amount of time from someone who cheated on him. They have one child together. They talk often. He says it’s not every day, but it sure seems like his phone is going off from her a lot. And she calls him as well. He tells me that she will tell him about fights with her current boyfriend, and call him and tell him other personal things. He said that he doesn’t really respond to those things and just lets her talk.
I find this utterly bizarre. That being said, I understand that everyone’s relationship in regards to their ex is totally different and multifaceted.
How does all of y’all’s relationship with the ex go? Is it more like mine where there is none at all or is it more like friends? I’m just interested in what different situations look like and how everyone deals with it.

10 comments posted: Tuesday, December 19th, 2023

Weirdest situation popped up

Hello everyone! I haven’t been around in awhile but y’all always give great insight so I thought I’d share the weirdest situation that has popped up recently.

So I have been with this guy for three years, engaged for 2 of them and recently gave him his ring back because he has literally made zero steps towards getting married and my frustration level was reaching the breaking point. He then told me he wanted to work on us and see if we could fix things.

So for background I have four kids. He tells me that he really likes my kids. Has never used the word love.

Years ago, like 13 years ago, he had a girlfriend for 6 years. She had a daughter that he occasionally brought up since I’ve known him. He recently starting talking to the daughter again and started talking about her a lot. (She is married now with two young kids). He talks about how her dad and her have a bad relationship and I guess he wants to step up and be there for her. He has taken to referring to her as his daughter. And then asked me if I was cool with him going to meet up with her and meet her family. I said sure, but got increasingly uncomfortable with it when I realized that he had no intention of inviting me along and he was very excited about it. I then hear him on the phone with her and when he hung up said "I love you, goodbye"

I didn’t say anything and I guess he picked up on my unhappiness because he stopped talking about her. Kept talking to her, just not saying anything to me about it.

When I talked to him about it he acted like he couldn’t understand at all why I would be bothered. I told him that it made me super uncomfortable. But the fact that he just kept it to himself instead of seeing an issue and dealing with it really upset me. I don’t like secrets and I felt like him not saying "let’s figure this out" was really concerning.

Am I being unreasonable? One thing I have found since my divorce is that I don’t trust my own feelings. I was told for so long that I was always overreacting and being crazy that it makes me question myself. Ugh.

14 comments posted: Tuesday, March 21st, 2023

Teens and custody

As a background, my ex and I separated in 2018 and he is supposed to have four nights per month of having the kids. He has been spotty at best for all these years at having them and even on the off days that he has them it’s rare that they all want to go.

My oldest son has recently gotten his drivers license and now suddenly he is asking the oldest over for two nights per week and keeps telling him he can come stay over whenever he wants. My son is totally into this. He has now started telling my second son (15) that he can also start staying extra days.

I’m furious.

On one hand I’m angry that after years of being a crappy parent he thinks that he can just start telling them to come over all the time. I know that "technically" they can pick since they are older but that just isn’t how we have ever done it and on the other hand I’m hurt that my kids would even be happy about this. Like I said, I have been there for them and poured into them and tried to be present and involved and it just hurts my feelings. I know that probably sounds selfish but sometimes I get blindsided by things that hurt.

I say that they can go because I feel stuck and feel like I can’t say no about them going over extra, but is that true? I’ve always heard that I need to tread carefully so as not to make them feel the stress and make them feel like they are stuck in the middle of an argument.

13 comments posted: Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

Haven’t seen y’all in awhile

Hey everyone, I haven’t posted in a long time. I’ve been checking in here and there but no posting. Mostly because things have been quiet here. I’m engaged and my kids and I are happy. The ex is supposed to have the kids every Friday night but has only had them a handful of times since the New Year.

Until yesterday.

When he finally came to pick them up because it was my son’s birthday. When he got here my fiancé and I were outside doing some odd jobs and for some reason he got his pantries all in a bunch and decided since my fiancé’s truck was in the driveway he would just park in the front yard. Um....what?! Now I know you’re wondering, but no there was plenty of room for him to stay in the driveway and not drive in the yard. Now my fiancé is a very friendly guy and went over and said hi and chatted for a bit and then said “Can you do me a favor and not park in the grass?” Seeing as how the ex and I own the house together this has apparently set him off because “as long as my name is on it I will park and drive where I want”

I honestly don’t understand the thought process here.

So now he is petitioning my two teenage sons to start texting him whenever they want to go to his house and he will make it happen. Up until now his visitation has been sporadic (the only time he was consistent was the months leading up to court) and he lies to them all the time. We have never let them pick where they go I just told them you stay here Saturday through Thursday and that was the end of it. I’m honestly enraged. Did he just get mad about being nicely asked to not park in the yard and decide to start playing with my kids heads?!?! What a jerk.

I’m venting. It’s like every time I think things are all settled he has to go and start something up again.

9 comments posted: Sunday, May 23rd, 2021