5 Month Update (Long Post)
***LONG POST ALERT***
Hey SI fam,
I haven't actively posted since the summer (although I've been lurking lol). Now that it's been several months and I've found myself sort of in the dating world, I'd share a real update.
Not sure if anyone is still around who knew my AWFUL story, but safe to say I'm still healing.
Highlights:
- Divorce finalized March 2020
- Haven't heard from my ex-husband since November 2018 (Jan 2019 if you count an email he sent that I left unanswered)
- Mistress turned GF started her own business as a life coach helping people "achieve the impossible" 
- Approaching 2 years of living with parents (actually grateful how this played out with COVID. I'm grateful that I've been able to provide for the household and stand on top of them to ensure they are washing their hands!).
-Hoping to purchase my first home next year
- Gave myself a 2020 goal of going on at least 2 dates. I've now been on about 10 with 3 different guys (completely blew my mind 
)
Now that I'm "in the dating world", I am disheartened by how "different" and complicated it is. As if going through divorce wasn't enough.... I was with my ex since I was about 19, so this world is extremely new (and disappointing) to me.
Guy #1: First date guy. Met through a mutual friend and hung out maybe 2-3 times pre-COVID. I liked him, but wasn't head over heels (guarded maybe). Anyway we were supposed to meet up for ice cream one day and he basically canceled on me last minute, never rescheduled and ghosted me. He resurfaced like 3 months later via text. In an effort to be better, not bitter I responded (but like an HR manager lol). He got the hint (coupled with the fact that I deleted him from social media) and went away again. Finally unfollowed me after 3 months of not even noticing I wasn't following him SMH.
Guy #2: Met on social media. Not my usual "type", but in an effort to be more open, I gave him a try. He is handsome, very smart and a gentleman. We communicated on social media for a couple of months before we exchanged numbers and went on a socially distanced outdoor date in the summer. I've only seen him one other time for dinner. We've FT'd and spoken on the phone. He is pretty consistent....until he's not. THIS is where my first trigger surfaced. I started to question why he could go 4 days straight without communication and it would bug me that I'd see him active on social media. I think I might be dealing with some abandonment trauma issues and have heightened anxiety. I know he isn't my BF or committed, so that's how I know it's something wrong with me and my expectations. He's still around. We talk causally and overall I feel like he is pursuing me (slowly though). But I'm not as attracted to him as Guy #3
Guy #3: The unexpected guy. Another one that's not my usual "type", but the chemistry right away was insanely palpable! In the beginning things were really magnetic. The way he simply looks at me made me experience feelings I haven't in a very long time (if ever!). With COVID & lock downs it's been hard, but we managed to go out on a couple of dates when we could and then it transitioned to meeting at his place to hang (I know I know, but things were closed). Although our physical attraction is crazy, my willpower is stronger, so we have NOT had sex. I haven't been with anyone since my ex and realized I don't want to (mentally of course haha) outside of a committed relationship. But it was just a matter of time before SOMETHING happened and one night, one thing led to another and he performed oral on me It was AMAZING!! LOL!! Not just because I haven't been touched in so long and I'm sorry to be graphic, but I really felt like he enjoyed ME vs. just doing it to get to sex (which my ex did). This happened 2x now. He definitely wants more, but respects my boundaries and where I'm at on intercourse. Anyway here is the problem...
I feel like lately he has been distant and short via text. I can't tell if our communication styles are just very different, if now he is pulling away or it's just this project he is working on that has him occupied. For example, I told him a week or so ago I'd be in his area the next day. He text me the next day in the afternoon saying he just got off some calls and asked if I was still around. By chance I was actually not in his area yet, so I told him officially what time frame. He never responded. It upset me bc I wanted to see him and I figured if he was free or wanted to see me still he would've responded and said "okay great" or SOMETHING.
Two hours pass and he texts me "are you okay?" I go "yes are you?" He then says he was checking on me because I never called him or followed up when I was done with what I was doing to come over. I communicated to him that I told him what time and I was expecting a confirmation from him if he was free. I wasn't just going to show up at his place! He acknowledged that it was a "communication breach", apologized and said he would do better about "taking the lead" in those situations to confirm.
Fast forward through a couple of FT's and some dry/short texts from him to Sunday. He reached out saying he wanted to see me, but it never came to fruition. It's been bothering me how short he's. been so I came out and said I feel like he is playing games with me. He said "okay". I said "okay??" He then says "what are we going to do? It's been 5-6 months now and I'm trying to see where this is going" At that point I said that would be a convo best held in person, but if you want my thoughts via text I'm happy to do so.
He said "be my guest". I started by saying I usually don't like sending lengthy texts bc people don't like to read and it can get misconstrued but here we go... Before I could send my thoughts, he asked if we wanted to talk at his table. His living room table is where we're previously had some pretty deep, organic conversations. I responded and said that feels appropriate if that's something he wants to do. He never responded to me... So now I don't know if he was being sarcastic about the table, genuine or still expected me to send my thoughts via text 
So now I'm anxious AF and agonizing over our conversation and how he has been acting. He said early on that he is dating to marry, but honestly I don't feel like he has been putting forth enough effort to truly get to know me/court me to even be asking a "where do we stand" type of question. A male friend told me dating is not like it used to be. It's like dude you take 4 hours to respond to me sometimes via text, wth do you MEAN?! 
I was really hoping we'd get together to discuss things, but I'm trying to hold on to my dignity and not double tex or chase him. I feel like the past couple of weeks, my text bubbles have been a lot wordier, I've initiated a little more and don't want to come off needy. I don't know if his pursuit has died down, he's playing games now or if he is cutting me off because he thinks we should be further along and we're not. I'm confused. I think it's a mix of my insecurities, dating being different and honestly wonder if he thinks HE is the prize and I should do the work lol.
His career keeps him super busy, but I still feel like I deserve more than the bare minimum. Guy #2 has a career that keeps him busy as well, but I feel like he is better at making time. If Guy #2 goes a few hours without texting, he usually acknowledges it when he responds to me.
Sorry to rant. This is all so new to me. I've been trying to focus on me, self-care and projects I'm interested in, but damn I keep wondering if I'll ever here from him again at this point. I hate waking up wondering if I'll have a text from him and checking social media to see if he has deleted me (he hasn't) UGH!!
Sometimes I just want to give up and go back into hermit mode because it feels like too much.But then I realize meeting these men are helping me uncover triggers and areas where I thought I was healed, but I'm not.
17 comments posted: Thursday, December 10th, 2020
Feeling small
Hit a brief low today. Led me back here. I’m currently in a place in my life where I can tell everyone is “over” my X and doesn’t want to talk about him. I feel
ashamed when I bring him up. Hoping it’s okay I vent a little here...
I’ve officially been divorced for almost 4 months. I’ve been blessed despite COVID (health wise & still have my job). I was doing pretty well...talking to different guys casually & using quarantine time to reset and accelerate some of my goals.
Today I’m on FB and a memory pops up from 3 years ago with my X. I immediately noticed he changed his profile picture...and you probably can guess what happened next. I clicked it against my better judgement. He has a new hair cut, is growing out his facial hair/beard and I can see a tattoo peeking from under his sleeve. He always talked about getting one (he didn’t have any). I never discouraged him from doing it. But I guess in his new found freedom he finally went for it. Can’t see what it is / which made me curious as hell. I wonder if the OW turned GF went with him. I’m ashamed to say I analyzed the new pic longer than I should’ve and it sent me into a spiral. He was out in a field and you can tell someone else def took that pic...
*starts pain shopping*
He completely redid his LinkedIn (looks more professional) and I can see that he enrolled in a local college bc he added it to his profile. I remember he said (as he was breaking my heart), that he was thinking about going back to school and could not do that with work and juggling me. I used to encourage him to go back when the thought popped up here and there. So naturally seeing him actually do it hurt for some reason. Like I really was a road block.
One of my uncles saw him recently out driving and apparently his car is messed up from what seems to be from an accident. I know I still have some healing to do bc that tidbit gave me joy *sighs*
Since I was already deep in, I went to his girlfriend/OW Pinterest. She has a ton of boards but I felt relieved not to see a wedding or baby shower board. Pathetic. I know. How did I get here.
Also found out he has been liking/commenting casually on my XBF pics. By X I mean neither one is was following her on social media. He follows her now. The way that friendship ended was my first heartbreak so to speak. He was there through it. It hurts me that he would reconnect with her at all.
So yea I hit a low. I don’t know why those minor “updates” made me feel this pain. It’s almost like they are little glimpses into him investing in himself and doing things he for some reason felt like maybe he couldn’t with me. What if he truly does feel like what he did to me WAS for the best and he truly enjoys his “new” life 100x better? That’s crushing.
Ive done some things to “glow up” myself the past year & half. But tonight I feel really small.
8 comments posted: Wednesday, July 1st, 2020
