Me: BW-54
Him-WH-58

Too many Ddays now to count, all with the same LTAP ex-girlfriend (or I guess current) except the brief fling November 2018-Christmas Eve 2018 with another ex-girlfriend

I'm tired

Is it just the way men are?

Not sure what I am asking about here, or just need another perspective if my past experiences are colouring my reactions.

I have not really made it out of infidelity; barely survived it, honestly. But I am still with my cheating husband because financially, I cannot leave. And currently can't leave physically either, my dog just had a total hip replacement and I'm literally stuck in my house (one room mostly) for 10 more weeks.

Anyhoo, the issue I am having generally is my husband's daily (multiple multiple! times a day) looking at and searching out women to look at online. Groups on Facebook, reels, instagram, etc. Just constantly. Incessantly. I know this because I look at his phone every once in a while to see what he is doing. I shouldn't, but I do. It isn't even a jealousy or anger thing, I just will NEVER be blindsided again.

I am 55. I work out very hard, lift weights, cardio, MMA workouts. I'm certainly not in perfect shape but I'm fucking strong, have great abs, and nothing really shakes around anymore. BUT I am not the most feminine woman in the world. I don't really (or ever) wear makeup, have long painted nails, wear girlie stuff, or have the apparently requisite huge boobs. Little comments here and there point out these areas where I fall short.

I have nothing really against porn (I know this is an unpopular opinion here), watch it myself occasionally, and can understand if someone wants to do that. I actually wouldn't care if my husband did that occasionally. But this onslaught of boobs and asses and all the searching them out seems more personal somehow.

We do not have sex at all. He has had an ED issue for maybe 2 decades, so when he was interested, it was all about him. He blames me for no sex, but I am not the reason. Although now I find the Ick factor plays into it.

He's away on a trip to a cottage right now with a friend and picked a fight last night over text for no reason. I got up this morning at my usual 4:45 am and looked to see what he was doing last night on Facebook. Sure enough, a slew of women, searched out and looked at. I felt so sad. Actually cried a bit at the sheer waste of being satisfied with looking at what are sometimes beautiful young women, and completely ignoring the real woman in your life. I will never look like that. Not even at my most beautiful at 25 to 30 did I look like that or have those assets. No matter what I do, how many reps I do in the gym, diet, skin care, whatever: I will never ever look like that. And it is okay.

But am I wrong to feel like all this shopping around and ogling of young women is gross and borderline cheating still? Has my previous experience with his online bullshit made me overly sensitive? Is this just a man thing and I should let it go internally?

Thanks for any insight. Just a shitty way to start the day.

30 comments posted: Friday, September 1st, 2023

Compliments with Qualifiers

Really quick rant...

This is an EXTREMELY minor issue in the light of a global pandemic and everything happening in the world, but it really bites my ass.

I let myself slide since my dad died. But, I have picked up my BeachBody workouts again and damn if I'm not seeing real results. you could bounce a quarter off parts of my body again (unfortunately I'm including my boobs in those areas! ).

Now, I OBVIOUSLY have intimacy issues with my WH, adding an old eating disorder to the mix isn't helpful either. HOWEVER, as a formerly very good-looking woman, I am not impressed with compliments that have qualifiers attached to them.

For example, my husband's go-to comment is "your body doesn't bother me." Now, I find that vaguely insulting and certainly NOT a turn on. Maybe I'm too sensitive.

Or "you look great for a woman who is 54." WTF? I get the "you look great" is probably the sentiment but the qualifier seems to negate the positive.

"You look great for a 54 year old woman who has had two kids, doesn't sleep enough, lives in a harsh climate, lives on coffee, etc..." is NOT a panty dropper!

Or am I wrong?

2 comments posted: Wednesday, March 16th, 2022