Happening again

Not sure where to start really so Ill start at the beginning. Sorry it might be a long one.

Husband had a long term affair with a work colleague that I discovered a few years ago. I was devastated. He convinced me it was all part and parcel of severe depression he'd been hiding, that he'd been/was suicidal. He got help, drugs, changed company and all that. I made the decision, mainly due to the kids and the state of our debt, and his depression, to see if we could mend things. We'd been together a long time. Went to counselling, lots of talking, promises etc etc. I know everyone thought I was nuts to stay but I made the decision on very practical grounds and he was also very convincing. He also made lots of effort to make amends and things were OK. We worked at it.

Things have never been the same of course. On a daily basis though as co-parents we get on. We're friends now. We both have very busy lives. Its pretty functional but we work as a family unit which was my main priority. I made the decision for the kids stability. I know some would likely say that's the wrong decision but we work generally.

He recently went on a work trip and I discovered his old AP was also there! He was adamant it was a huge ridiculous coincidence and he had no idea she was going to be there. We're talking a foreign country and they flew out on the same day to the same city. I thought that was it for us really but he convinced me that it honestly was a coincidence and he didn't even see her while he was there. She had a work thing, he had a work thing and it just happened to be at the same time. Although I now that bit is true, they both had reason to be there, I wasn't completely convinced but there was no proof either way and I believed him in the end.

So to yesterday. He's gone on another work trip and emptied his work bag of some stuff before he went. I was tidying the table where he dumped it and was about to throw away a couple of crumpled receipts when I noticed one was from a sex shop. He bought a couples sex toy with cash. It was not for us.

So I guess that's pretty irrefutable isn't it? I guess I really need to accept he's at it again. There really isn't anything plausible he's going to come up with for that one. I'm intrigued as to what he'll dream up for it though. I don't know if its someone new or the same AP from before.

The thing is I've been with him my entire adult life. I'm scared to leave and be on my own and also really very peed off that for the first time in our lives we're solvent and have money in the bank. And I guess he's now going to walk away with all of it (to buy him out) and we'll be back to being completely broke trying to run two houses. I'm just angry with him at this point more than anything and reeling a bit that it's come to this again.

Do I throw him out or do I accept it for the kids and the financial stability. Do I enter into some open marriage agreement and keep calm and carry on til the kids turn 18 and go to uni? Just co-exist in the same house? Has anyone else done this? Did it work out? I don't know that we can afford to run two houses with the state of everything right now. Is it possible to live together but not be together? Is it a nightmare? Have you tried it?

Just not sure what to do next really. Dont have anyone to talk to about it. Any thoughts gratefully received.

27 comments posted: Wednesday, August 2nd, 2023

Divorce in the UK, what to ask solicitor

Hi there,

Has anyone divorced or is going through one in the UK? I've just contacted a solicitor for an initial meeting and I'm wondering how to make the most out of the time. It's a meeting for me to understand what divorcing would look like, financially mainly, so I can decide what to do before confronting WH.

If anyone has any tips on what to ask/find out I'd be really grateful. Thank you and so sorry we're all here. Sucks doesn't it

2 comments posted: Monday, July 31st, 2023