5 Years Today
Today is 5 years from Dday. 5 years ago I was in such a fog it’s really hard to remember a lot of the details. What I cannot forget is the absolute devastation I felt, like all of the air had been sucked out of me. I have never in my life experienced anxiety or depression. My body’s reaction was terrifying, I could not escape my own head or thoughts. My brain was like a mouse in a maze, I wanted out of it.
At the same time I was desperately trying to get back to where we used to be, let’s just move on, she said she was sorry, so let’s just skip off into R hand in hand happily ever after. It was a terrible idea, she was TT me and confiding in her BFF / A cheerleader that she was going to play nice while working on an exit strategy. When I found the text I was pissed!! I searched Google and found SI. I read everything I could but none of it made sense, it was counter productive, I was trying to get her to "pick me" I did not want to push her further away.
Infidelity is the worst thing to ever happen to me, including my Dad passing away and my MIL taking her life. In life we know certain things are going to happen. We will lose our parents at some point, we never want that day to come but it’s coming. Infidelity on the other hand is a blindside, its your number one person stabbing you in the back. It’s never in the plans, they vowed that it would never happen. There is so much more to infidelity than anyone on the outside would understand, including a WS that hasn't been cheated on.
If you are new to SI I urge you to listen to great advice here, some of it doesn’t make sense, some is very hard to hear, but trust the process. I am as healed as I am going to get, I still think about it daily, I have minor triggers or reminders all the time but they don’t knock me down or send me into a rage like they did years ago. I try to learn from them. Regardless of the path D or R your will heal, face the triggers and feelings head on and don’t rug sweep. Thank you to everyone that contributes here, I wouldn’t be were I am today without SI.
17 comments posted: Sunday, September 8th, 2024
Honesty and Transparency
TMI
One thing I have told here before is after Dday and implementing the 180 i always present my best self. That includes farting in front of my W. To this day almost 5 years later, I do not fart or burp in front of my W. Honestly it’s her loss, she is missing out but things are lost in infidelity.
Rule number one in R is honesty and integrity. We just had a discussion today about a couple of active threads here I was telling her about. I was telling her the bottom line issue is a lack of honesty and transparency.
Well tonight I was in the room alone and let fly. She was outside or something. Comes in immediately and says "OMG did you fart?" I panicked and immediately said "no!!" I lied and tried to TT but it was obvious. I confessed.
She said "isn’t honesty and transparency number one?" Then said "when are going to confess on SI?
In a fun and lighthearted manner, here I am, confessing. I did it!!! I farted, I lied about it, I feel shame. She forgave me 😀
12 comments posted: Monday, August 12th, 2024
What does SI think
It has nothing to do with our family but a good friend / neighbor. We have known this couple for about 4 years. The W is good friends with my W but I have always had a weird feeling about her H. The H is a recovering addict / alcoholic, F? WS, and has always had jobs that require him to work nights and or out of town. He has had about 5 jobs in the 4 years we’ve known them. They have very good kids but he is always absent working nights, out of town, or playing video games.
About a year ago he was working nights at a large shipping facility (ok Amazon). He came home and said he is on paid leave pending an investigation. They were at our house and the W was telling the story, I was watching the body language of the H looking down not making eye contact. The story was he was recently promoted and put on salary. He would go to his car for 15 minute breaks but didn’t clock out. He assumed being on salary he didn’t have to. So thinking logically, would Amazonl pay him a full week of an investigation to find 15-30 minutes of pay? He was fired and he insisted on not filing unemployment or pursuing anything "let’s move on".
He got a better job paying great but he was traveling weeks at a time, this was the most they had ever made, but suddenly the company fired him, put him on a plane and sent him home. Again, "Let’s just move on, it’s God’s plan", whatever.
Ok so now he got a new job, he was sent out of town yesterday for training to start today. The new company paid all of his travel expenses including a rental car. Last night we were hanging out outside and his W came over to share some wine. She said "H is on the side of the road changing a flat in the rental car". I’m like "Hell NO, get me some roadside assistance that’s part of the rental". I was joking about it.
He calls a couple hours later to tell her he was actually ran off the road, hit a sign, changed the flat on the side of the road and went to the hotel. The car has a broken windshield, the mirrors were knocked off, bent rim, and the side and the hood is dented. He’s going to report it to the rental company tonight after the training class.
My friends, this stinks to high heaven, my bull-shit-o-meter is off the charts. WTH is this guy up to? MY GUT says he had to hide the hooker, sober up, or both. It’s my belief he cannot be trusted on the road, he is up to no good, he has a great family and really good kids. Sad
17 comments posted: Tuesday, July 30th, 2024
4 Year Update
I joined SI 4 years ago this week, but was lurking for a month before and fully immersed in the 180 at the time of joining.
Just wanted to share what has been going on in Tanner’s world. We are doing well in R and I’m about 93% healed. I don’t think we ever get to 100 after infidelity because of the scars and pains that remain. Healing is a journey you must travel regardless of the outcome, D or R.
After Dday everything hurt, I was so numb that I took that time to make some major life changes. I was forced out of my comfort zone so when my anger phase hit I changed myself and redirected my life for the better.
I had no fear, the worst thing in the world had happened to me, so I said "Fuck it". I lost 20 pounds right away just from the infidelity diet. I decided to clean up my diet of added sugars, junk food, started working out and lost a total of 50 pounds. When food no longer has a taste it’s not hard to make changes (I was drinking unsweet tea for Gods sake). I have maintained my better-ish eating and have maintained my goal weight for these 4 years. I also grew a bad ass beard, I never had facial hair before, so it was a real change for me, and I love it.
I downsized my business, and became very hands on. I got rid of about 40% of unhealthy revenue, I cut several employees (actually helped transition to a competitor). I cut so much fat and stress from our business, it was very a tough couple of years. We took a major loss in (unhealthy) revenue, and a pay cut while at the same time attacking our debt. We have now regained the lost revenue in a more healthy sector of our business and we are debt free.
A couple of years prior to Dday we sold our house and moved into an RV, looking for land to build on. It was temporary at first but we absolutely love the lifestyle. We have met so many great friends and neighbors, we will probably never go back to sticks and bricks. We don’t have a lot of junk to keep up with and we can clean 400 square feet in a very short time. One other bonus is that I have not touched a lawn mower or paid a mortgage in several years. I have not shared our RV lifestyle publicly on SI but I talk a lot about our neighbors. In this lifestyle you are very close to neighbors and they provide a lot of material.
So here we are, a healthy simplified life, but there was another storm brewing, one we were preparing for without realizing it. We have 15 year old twin boys, one is severely autistic, and non verbal, imagine a small skinny 7 year old that acts like a toddler, that's him. Late last year he started slowly regressing, it was such a slow change we didn’t become concerned until about March. We were getting inconsistent diagnosis from doctors and a few ER visits. He was showing signs of seizures, he could hardly walk and his organ systems stopped working properly. We were losing him, his brain and body were shutting down. We finally found a Dr in April that paved the way for him to be taken seriously in the ER. He was admitted to the hospital immediately and stayed for four and a half months. My W has been by his side this whole time and has not been home since April. We were able to stay in a facility near the hospital but I had to run back and forth keeping his twin going to school and keeping the business running.
Our Son became more stable and really improved but as he improved his aggression increased. They have been working to balance Neuro and Psych meds to improve his behavior. In August he was transferred to a specialty hospital 4 hours away. He will remain there until March 2024, he is doing really well running up and down the halls, its just that the medication requires, monitoring his vitals several times a day, and he is also getting special therapies. My W is staying in an extended stay hotel, to be near him, I work 4 days and go visit them 3 days a week.
With all this stress and worry in our lives, I am thankful that we took the time to downsize and rearrange our lives, not knowing what was to come. I give zero credit to infidelity, that is part of our story that I wish never existed. It was taking lemons and making lemonade (sugar free of course). All the credit goes to a methodical healing journey, a committed remorseful W, and the great folks here on SI.
So the question is, my W is in a stressful situation, alone, staying in a hotel 250 miles away. Do I trust her? I do, not blindly, but I’m not triggered at all. We have been through hell and back, she has been solid in R, is a great advocate for our Son, we make a great team in his care.
18 comments posted: Thursday, December 7th, 2023
Rant!!!!
I'm so pissed I can't see strait right now. Our twins are almost 15, we adopted them when they were 8 weeks old. Of course the adoption didn't happen that quick but we had custody / conservatorship until the apdoption was final. Speaking specifically for Texas, when the adoption hearing was ruled on and finalized the Judge sealed the records. We then changed the boys names, SS numbers and TX issued new birth certificates. Their birth certificates say that we are the biological parents and they were born to us on their birth date. No one can come and claim them, they are our biological children according to the State of Texas.
We are in a situation where we've had to enroll our more severe autistic Son in a special school, with the local public school providing the services. They have asked for all types of documentation, shot records, birth certificate and SS card. Today they called and need the adoption paperwork. I pushed back and said What adoption paperwork? They are saying they have to have it to prove we have custody. Legally I can deny that they were ever adopted because there is no evidence of an adoption, it's sealed, the state said they were born to us.
It's not happening, I will never hand it over. We have fought many battles for our boys and this is the hill I die on.
16 comments posted: Friday, September 15th, 2023
The Curious Case of Natalia Grace
Is anyone watching this series? I found it on Discovery ID. I don’t know anything about the case other than I’m up to episode 3 and can’t believe how messed up this situation is.
I’m planning to finish it tonight.
25 comments posted: Saturday, June 3rd, 2023
Survivor 44
I've posted before that I'm a big Survivor fan. I'm late posting about this season but I get interested when the numbers dwindle and post merge. I have my money on Carolyn, she is my favorite player left in the game. No one took her serious because she is strange and awkward. She is a smart player and if they don't vote her out she wins.
10 comments posted: Thursday, May 18th, 2023
Our Wedding Anniversary
Today is our 32nd wedding anniversary. Yesterday was 3.5 years from Dday, I’m about 90% healed, and things are "normal" again.
At about a year and half after Dday I started to believe my W was serious about R, she had a solid consistent behavior of being all in on the M, I really wasn’t, I was very guarded. She was nervous around me afraid to make a mistake, any mistake, dinner, shopping, laundry, she was on eggshells. I decided it was time to stop treating her as a cheater and running our M like a dictatorship. I offered her true R, an equal level M, with open and honest communication. I was also letting go of some of the baggage weighing us down on this journey. It’s not rug sweeping, it’s processing and letting go, lighten the load, to work on the un healed areas.
Like I said, today is 32 years and we are going to celebrate. I have the sweet lady I couldn’t wait to marry. I’m proud of my M, we are a great team in our Son’s care, she is a great W and I couldn’t imagine spending these years with anyone else.
Thanks to everyone on SI that lit the path for me in the darkness. You all are a big part of our successful R.
21 comments posted: Friday, March 10th, 2023
Icy Weather in North Texas
We are in day 3 of lockdown because of ice. This isn’t snow this is solid ice. The school is closed again tomorrow (Thursday).
Some observations
1 This sucks!!
2 My Son is into Hockey, one of the only kids I know. Hockey sticks are awesome ice scrapers.
3 When the car door is frozen shut and you pull and pull. Hit the unlock it seems to help
4 We are not equipped to treat the roads
5 My neighbors form Michigan and Oregon are the biggest wusses. I’m out here with crocks and not socks. They are bundled up and cold, poor babies 😀
6 Get these people out of my house!!!
Stay safe Texans it will be 80 in a few days
6 comments posted: Wednesday, February 1st, 2023
NfL Championship Games
Just wondering what your predictions are, is your favorite team still in the hunt?
My Cowboys are out this year again, my 29 year old Son doesn’t know the glory days.
My prediction:
KC over Cincinnati
49ers over Eagles
KC for the Super Bowl win
Ribs hit the smoker at 7am
15 comments posted: Saturday, January 28th, 2023
Prescription Pre-authorization
My Son is going through a lot right now, since mid December he’s only been sleeping 4-6 hours a night. He was also being very aggressive towards my W and off the charts hyper.
The Dr prescribed Risperidone, it has really helped with behavior but not sleep. The insurance company rejected it needing a pre-authorization. It was around Christmas and things were moving slow so we paid out of pocket. Now it’s time to refill and insurance is still rejecting it. They are saying the Dr should try Abilify first.
Here is the rant. It’s not the money it’s the principle.
Aetna has never examined my Son how do they know what the Dr should do?
The pre-authorization is to make sure the medicine is a medical necessity. Isn’t a prescription an authorization?
Isn’t a prescription due to a medical necessity?
This is very frustrating. Can someone help me understand?
26 comments posted: Thursday, January 19th, 2023
Eagles vs Cowboys
My Son is taking me to the game today. This is my Christmas gift from him. He also got me a jersey. I just cannot get over how generous this is. Headed there now for a 3:25 kick off.
Merry Christmas
Go Cowboys!!!
22 comments posted: Saturday, December 24th, 2022
The Sharpest People On the Internet
are the people of SI. (Rant)
You go to any specialty group online and they are full of dumb people or jerks, for example I’m totally fabricating this example but it’s very close to the truth:
Hi my name is Tanner and my widget The Comando 8 (Seinfeld reference) won’t turn on, it is plugged in, the fuse is good and it’s in the on position. I bought it a couple years ago and the warranty is expired.
Responses
Take it back to the store
Make sure the fuse is good
Did you make sure it’s plugged in?
Why would you buy the Comando 8? It’s awful you must be stupid.
Hey Tanner I have the Comando 8 also and forgot to turn it on. Makes sure it’s turned on.
My Response
Thanks for the replies!!!
Then I head over to SI where the smart people are. 😀
Rant over
13 comments posted: Friday, December 9th, 2022
A Positive Trigger
Today I had something trigger a positive thought. I had posted earlier in Thankful Thursday that the 3 year anniversary of joining SI is approaching. Things are going well and never thought it could be this good after the 2 months of TT and being jerked around after Dday.
I had a couple errands to run and my W asked if she could tag along. We were gone for a little bit but she needed to get home for a Zoom call and I needed to make one more stop. I dropped her off at the house and ran my last errand. When I get out of my truck at the store, there it was, her phone sitting in my cup holder. She forgot her phone 😮. There it was just me and her phone. When I got home I she was still on the Zoom call, I showed her the phone and she looked puzzled, then said "Oh did I leave it in your truck?"
It took me back to Summer of 2019 when she was glued to her phone constantly, she never set it down near me. Her phone was where I found so many disturbing messages. It was a reminder of two things, She’s not on her phone all the time, because she enjoys being right here and she doesn’t hide it, because there is nothing to hide.
It’s a positive for both of us because she doesn’t have the stress and anxiety of hiding stuff, and I don’t have to be M police. It was a trigger I needed today, if in fact there are positive triggers.
8 comments posted: Saturday, December 3rd, 2022
How am I “supposed” to feel?
We had a neighbor an older man, never married no kids. He was a war veteran suffered from PTSD. Super nice man when we met him, he gave my Son a very nice rod & reel and was always friendly with me and my family. He passed away yesterday.
Another neighbor had a kid 8 years old and he was bully, just a mean kid. Most people in the community wouldn’t let this kid around their kids. The parents of the bully are very protective of him. He’s a little angel 😇 They were good friends of ours.
About a year ago, I see the bully at the park beating on an autistic kid. I was driving into the community (past the park). The autistic boy was on the ground and the bully slammed a basketball on his head and was kicking him. I jump out and yell STOP!!! Told the bully to go home the boy with autism was holding his head but ran from me.
When the victims dad got home I went to him and told him what I saw. He asked his Son and he was afraid to tell his dad but told him exactly what I saw.
They go to attackers mom and the boy admitted to doing exactly what I and the victim witnessed, they all worked it out, shook hands and made up. The matter was solved and over.
However, the bully’s mother unfriended us on Facebook. Our texts to her went unanswered. She did the same to victims parents also. She absolutely ghosted us.
But the neighbor, veteran guy, got very angry. It had absolutely nothing to do with him. He went and threatened the victims dad then messaged me and said "don’t let me catch you outside". He unfriended us on Facebook then wrote a terrible post, I couldn’t respond to.
Tanner is liar and has no integrity, he is falsely accusing an innocent kid. Tanner you are a liar and an asshole, don’t let me catch you outside. It got bad he would sit in front of our house (just a minute or so) just staring, my W was scared of him. He was stalking her when I was gone, he was doing it to the victims family also. We finally got the authorities involved and a few weeks later he moved away.
I learned that he died yesterday of a massive heart attack. I have to say, meh, my life goes on. I have never felt that way about anyone, but like I’ve said before, death doesn’t make anyone a saint, bad people, and assholes die every day. My W says I shouldn’t feel that way, he’s someone’s family and someone loved him. Well count me out. A lot of people in the community are posting positive things about him and I wouldn’t dare say anything publicly, but death doesn’t make me feel any better about him.
This is the only place I can get that off my chest. Thanks
11 comments posted: Tuesday, October 25th, 2022
Recruiting Websites
A couple months ago my Son left his job of 10 years. He was a part-time forklift operator for them in college. After college he stayed and worked his way up 3 levels in management, he was doing very well. He came to me burned out and said he needed a change, I encouraged him to do what’s best for him, he found a great company through Indeed dot com, lower position, almost the same pay. Way less stress, and a great work culture. This company is a smaller privately held company and his position is in shipping / receiving. There is very little room for growth at the company.
When some of his friends or former colleagues in the freight industry found out he left, they started trying to recruit him. He misses the business but not his former company. Over the weekend he submitted his resume to a company through Indeed, Monday he got called in to HR to quiz him on why he’s looking for a job. They told him they have is resume flagged. He told them how much he appreciates the opportunity but he is weighing his options.
Bottom line, Indeed somehow informed his employer that he submitted a resume, this seems like such a violation, somewhere in the fine print they are allowed to do this? Thank God I’ve owned my business over 20 years. Here’s my question, WTH?
6 comments posted: Tuesday, August 30th, 2022
How to Dispute This Charge
We went to a concert last night, it was an outdoor venue and the concessions were run by Live Nation. There was a beer vendor walking around selling beers. I got 2 for $35, ridiculous, I know. He ran my card and said ok, then said wait it’s declined. Then he’s messing with the hand held computer and said, its locked up you have to use another card but my computer isn’t working. He called his buddy over selling the same way and said take care of them for me. I used another card and had no trouble.
Today I discovered the first charge went through, this guy had me use another card and another vendor to avoid the appearance of a double charge. I was scammed and I’m pissed.
I want to dispute the charge but it’s my word against his, if I dispute both charges it should tie them together and show that I was charged again 1 minute later but a different card.
My question is, should I dispute both and eventually agree to one of the charges? Or only dispute the fraudulent charge?
10 comments posted: Sunday, June 26th, 2022
I Had a Health Scare today
I had a health scare today. First of all I have been a very healthy person all my life. When I left the hospital with my Mom 55 years ago I never went back. No hospital, surgeries, no broken bones, and I still have all my wisdom teeth. I’m on no medication and am at my goal weight.
I love bees, I part time work with bees, doing removals and swarm capturing, I have always wanted to start beekeeping for myself. I have been doing this for over 20 years.
Bee hives have a feel, an energy they put off, you can sense the mood when you approach. I know when it’s time to wear a bee suit, and when it’s time to take it off. I have never been attacked, but usually walk away with a couple stings, I’ve never had more than 3 on any one occasion.
Today I set up the equipment I go up the ladder to get a look and feel for them and immediately get stung in the forehead, not a big deal they were just telling me where I stand with them. I go and lite the smoker and suit up. I go back up and they aren’t really paying attention to me, they are feeling calm but I started itching all over, I’m feeling funny so I load up the equipment take off the hot ass suit in the Texas 101 heat and my face is going numb and my tongue is swelling. I decided to take Benadryl and head towards an ER. I’m still not convinced that is serious because I’ve taken many stings, but i live in a rural area so I drove to the last ER before the 20 mile trip home. I sat In a parking lot next door thinking this will blow over and I’ll head home.
Warning TMI. So here I am in a neighboring parking lot sitting in my truck and it’s only getting worse, my crotch is on fire, l discreetly drop my pants to investigate and my junk is so swollen it’s unrecognizable, now I’m scared, that’s it, I’m going to ER. As I make my way to the next parking lot everything outside is extremely bright, like the sunglasses that looks like everything is bright yellowish. There are large white spots, I can’t see I’m blinded. My chest is tight and I can’t swallow, my tongue is huge.
I parked (straight) and stumbled in the door. The Dr and 2 nurses came with a wheelchair and got me in a room. I can hear them but can’t see them. The Dr is calling all kinds of orders they put an IV started blood pressure and pulse ox readings. Then I hear him call for an injection. In about 5 minutes I’m feeling well enough to sit up, and talk to them. My BP was 68 / 30 heart rate very low and o2 was 92%.
They told me if I had delayed getting in there by just minutes someone would have found my body in the truck. My airway was closing and I would have been unconscious from the low heart rate.
They kept me for several hours for observation to make sure things kept improving and they did, but my W has no idea what I’m doing I waited till I was stable to message her, she would freak out if I had told her as it happened, she took it well because I was doing well at that point but the Benadryl was kicking in so I rested it was the best nap in the most uncomfortable bed ever.
I was able to drive home ok, I’m so sore, and swollen in the face, but my junk has recovered 😀 Told my W, heart and lungs, meh. But when the junk isn’t right "Call 911!!!’"🤣
I’m concerned that one sting was this bad, I hate that everyone is telling me to hang up the bee suit forever. I love the bees and I wasn’t even bumped (a bees warning) it was one guy, a fluke, the rest left me alone. The suits aren’t fool proof I still get stung with it on. I’m also concerned how fast symptoms hit and how I kept convincing my self i didn’t need help. Never again!!
So if you have read this far I’m not very educated on how the immune system works . In the past the localized area of the sting would be warm, like a fever at the sting site. Not today my body went into full attack mode, is this a change in my body because I’m older now, the new norm? I don’t know but this was a first for me, never needed a hospital before, but this was a close call.
There is unfinished business at the Tanner house, kids to raise, grandkids to spoil, dogs to reunite, and hopefully bees to re-home again.
Thanks for reading. I needed to write all this.
37 comments posted: Saturday, June 18th, 2022
Missing Dog (found)
We were sitting outside and a guy walked by and asked if we had seen a Yorkie, he is missing. I said no but we will keep an eye out for him. He said ok if you see him is name is Tanner. Wait what? We gotta find Tanner, I jumped on the community page and made a post and went looking. I didn’t actually find him but someone in the group did.
This is not to toot my own horn, but I’ll be damned if there is a lost dog named Tanner on my watch 😀
10 comments posted: Friday, June 10th, 2022
Horse Questions
I watched the Kentucky Derby yesterday and was really amazed at how beautiful and powerful horses are. I’ve never been around horses until the last year or so, I’ve gotten to know the 2 in the pasture next to us. I’m able to call them to the fence and pet them.
My questions are, do you think the horses know they are racing? Do they know when they win? Are the horses pampered or abused? I don’t want to start a debate but curious how they are treated.
Here’s what I do know, the winner was a long shot paying 80-1. Sure wish I had put a couple grand on it.
9 comments posted: Sunday, May 8th, 2022
Full Moon
I have a question about how a full moon affects people. We have 13 year old twin boys with Autism. One is high functioning and the other is severe and non verbal. Our more severe Son is about a 3 year old cognitive level and has behavioral issues.
Yesterday evening he was off the charts in behavior, we literally had to just stand by him and follow him around the house and out in the yard he will just take off running out the door. His attention span on a toy or task was about 15 - 30 seconds. This morning I took him to school and it took 5 people to get him from my car. He was throwing anything he could get his hands on and was hitting anyone that came near him.
He is such a sweet kid, loves people and is very social, he’s a hugger, but today and yesterday were off!!!
My W has always said the behavioral flares are around the full moon, I’m not so sure but wonder what y’all think about it.
11 comments posted: Thursday, March 17th, 2022
I Have a Secret to Keep
Our Daughter is expecting her 3rd!!!! I’m really excited about this because her first two were from her first M, and it was a very stressful time, in a M she needed out of. We love the grandkids dearly, but couldn’t enjoy the pregnancy journey and birth because of the drama.
Her second H is perfect for her, I couldn’t have picked better for her myself. He stepped in 5 years ago and became a great Daddy to the girls. He has always been content to not have bio kids, and just raise the girls as his own.
We will be able to rejoice and celebrate this as a family, this time.
I swore to not tell anybody, but y’all aren’t just "anybody" y’all are my SI family. 
20 comments posted: Saturday, February 12th, 2022
Badass Habits Jen Sincero
My first visit to The Book Club. Have any of you read any of the Bad Ass books? Jen Sincero is the author of the series. I started with Bad Ass Habits, I’m hooked!! It’s a real attitude shift, I did this organically during my healing process, but to read it is very encouraging. So far it’s a great book.
0 comment posted: Friday, December 31st, 2021
