Bittersweet Beginnings

I'm a little over a year since Dday and him moving out. Crazy to think that the day I found out, he left me and my son to pursue his 19 year old ho worker. I've been really focusing on myself for about 7 months now and doing the hard work of IC, grey rocking, and manifesting. It's been hard and there have been many days where I felt weak, especially, when he would out of the blue, be sweet or try to send nice messages of old pictures of us. I'm so glad I never gave in because I found out for SURE that he was still seeing her even through all of that. I knew my gut was right and it never failed me. I was told by someone that he isn't with the ho worker at the moment in time because he caught her talking to her ex (the one she was cheating on him with to begin). I realized WOW, that is such a TOXIC triangle to be involved in. He left a stable, loving, home and family to be with a 19 year old in the most toxic young and immature love triangle. It's almost sad, but good for him. I feel very relieved at the fact that I have been very strong throughout the past few months on grey rocking and pushing through with the divorce. I want it to move faster so I'll be meeting with him this week to try to settle it as much as I can and bring it to the lawyers. I pray that he wants to move this forward as well so he can get on with his life and I can get on with my life. I never thought I'd be here hoping that he wants to divorce me as quick as possible, but I'm so done with his toxic energy. I wish I didn't have a child with him because then I wouldn't have any reason to speak to him. I know in time, I will understand that my child was the biggest blessing he could have ever given me, but I'm still working through those emotions of anger. I'm so happy at the growth that I've been able to accomplish in just over a year since Dday, but man, these roller coasters of emotions are hard. Today hit me real hard being father's day. I'm just grieving what my life could have been and I'm back to not understanding how someone can do something like this and literally act like nothing ever happened. He talks to me or wants to talk to me like we are friends, and expects me to act like nothing ever happened. That's proof that he's not accountable for what he's done. We are NOT friends and we will NEVER be friends. I can't grasp how someone with a heart can do something so incredibly cruel to someone they "claimed" to love and pretend like NONE of it ever happened. This is straight up emotional abuse! It fucks with your mind. I know that this divorce is the BEST thing for me and my son, but the right choices aren't always the easiest. I needed to just let that out because I've been having some really STRONG moments followed by some really SAD moments and I'm trying to process through all of it. I know I will look back and know that I made the right choices. I can even say I see the karma now knowing that howorker is back with her ex, but I don't feel as happy about it as I think I should be? My life has been going up since I left him, and his has been FLOUNDERING, but there's so much anger in me still. The fact that there are friends (that I've slowly cut out) that can hang out with him and act like nothing happened. I just can't understand how people can still be friends with someone so inhumane and heartless? I guess I'm taking it too personal, but it really doesn't make sense to me how society or people in our society can accept such cruel behaviors and go on with their daily life.

1 comment posted: Sunday, June 20th, 2021