3 years post D-Day

Hi everyone, happy belated New Year. I thought I would update…3 years post D-Day, and 5 months post divorce finalised. Not sure if this is the right forum…but hey.
My last post was a while ago, stuck in limbo about whether to D or try R. I chose to D as financially I wanted to protect myself and have choices and agency with my life, plus family money reasons.
We live separately, but we co-parent our DD well. She is thriving and I am so proud that we are getting that bit right.
The good news is that I forgot the date. I was thinking about it after Xmas, and was thinking about it in early Jan, but I was busy today and have just remembered now.
So naturally comes reflection of the past three years. That first year, I was a mess. I moved me and DD and the pets back to my home town to be near my family. Full flight mode. I genuinely worried about my sanity in staying where we lived as the AP was in the same town. Luckily I didn’t have to change jobs as we are remote. It was the best decision so I could get space and try and heal. I realised how isolated I was down there. I did IC and worked so hard at my job I got a promotion. So financially, things are good. I busied myself setting up my new place (was a wreck, as was I!). I reconnected with school friends and made more. Second year, OMG so much anger…things less busy so I made space to actually feel the feelings as was coming out of survival mode. Lots of crying and reading everything and journalling. Too much pocket psychology on Instagram. Filed for divorce to protect finances, plus I just didn’t want to be married anymore. I didn’t see the point. I hadn’t worn my rings since d-day, and it felt too broken to even try to R. We did attempt a few sessions of MC in first month, but quickly saw I needed to get myself straight first. Waste of time at that point.

XWH? He moved up too, into a separate place 5 mins away, changed jobs and cannot do enough for me (I don’t ask a lot, mainly stuff with DD or the car occasionally). We are trying to be friends and he is desperate to restart a relationship. I am not there, and I don’t think I will ever be. Sometimes I think for the sake of DD, maybe, or the fact XWH was super handy around the house- but independence has been good for me, and I enjoy my solitude and space. I don’t know if I’m a 5 year healer, or if this is truly it for me. I don’t have the desire to date, as I am enjoying the peace of my routine I worked hard to establish and I don’t want to disrupt DD or my life. I keep a firm boundary with XWH but he still tries to hug and touch me when we do co-parent handover, and always offering to fix stuff or get groceries etc.
I trust him 100% with DD, I trust him to do the favour asked etc, but with my heart? Nah. I don’t want to be someone always needing to check up and wondering. Peace and freedom.

Overall, I wanted to share that at the 3 year mark, I’m super proud of how far I’ve come (no more rage, more peace!) and I’m actually weirdly grateful - I would not be back near my family if this hadn’t have happened, I get to see my nephews daily and DD is so close to them. Life is better in a lot of ways. I am comfortable with being solo and a co-parent. Lots of new hobbies and going to gigs on my weekends without DD- it’s good to recharge and rest when she is with him and I think it makes me a better parent having a little break every 10 days. It’s a good balance as I know she enjoys time with him.

The journey is rough, but now it feels like I am content and true happiness/joy feeling is coming back more frequently. Feeling like my old self more and more, just dented from all that back then. Realised how lost I got in relationships, and the resentment built up, lack of communication and expectations for them to guess what was wrong. No more. It’s essential to put yourself (and kids) first, regardless of what the WS is doing. Life does need to go on, and I feel like I lost a few years there. 40 soon…makes a girl reflect.

What will the 4th year bring? I recently got the confidence to take DD abroad just me and her for the first time in October, and we had an amazing time- so planning next trip somewhere again.

I still lurk here occasionally and read the comings and goings so thank you for this site- it is such a life line especially in those first shitty months/year, then the slightly less shitty but equally confusing limbo years, and beyond. I’ll update again at 5 years (if I don’t forget the whole thing by then!)…who knows what will be then. I wish everyone peace and healing from this horribly common injustice of infidelity x

4 comments posted: Tuesday, January 14th, 2025

First post lurking here since Summer 22

Good evening all,

This is my first post, but I’ve been lurking since Summer 2022 and read everything.

Background:
I overheard my husband of 4 years talking to someone on the phone when I was asleep in Jan 2022. Totally blindsided as we had a great relationships, best friends, always laughing, always doing stuff. Turns out he had a PA from June 2020-Jan 2021 (4 ‘occasions’), then EA since then to d-day. Very horrible and traumatising. PTSD, the works for me. Anxiety and depression followed. Some weak attempt at MC which I stopped and did 6 months of IC.

Long story shorter, I moved away in summer 2022 to be near family and friends, settled DD into a new school. I couldn’t stay in that area and drive past OW’s house. Work from home so kept the same job. WH visited every other week and now has moved here to be closer to us. We co-parent well. DD is happy and thriving. We have dinner altogether once a week.
WH desperately wants to reconcile and I guess has done everything ‘right’ eventually after a few months of TT and foggy behaviour. He’s always wanted to reconcile.

The problem is that I just feel flat and quite nihilistic in general. I haven’t committed to R, in fact I started D because I brought more assets to M than he did, and want to fiercely protect that now to feel secure. D should be finalised before Xmas.
WH has agreed to everything I’ve requested (nothing unreasonable, I keep everything civil as possible now to co-parent) and says he will wait as long as it takes for me to heal and want to R, and the D is just a piece paper. I’m not sure I believe him fully. Infidelity robs you of the naive Disney ending somewhat. I don’t believe in our M anymore. I would rather be someone’s partner than get M again.

I guess my problem is that I don’t know what I want. Or I still want the Time Machine. I’ve put walls up, I know that. It’s hard to let them down again with WH. I don’t know how to do it authentically. (Also have major issues with a narc mother). Surely walls shouldn’t be forced down?

Is this the POLF I have seen people refer to? Or do you need to be committed to R before that? How long does it last (or did it in your experience) or how do you move through it? What helped you?

I am always working on myself, I am pretty damn resilient and have a good life, and happy being alone with my pets when DD is with WH. I don’t think I’m currently depressed, as I have a routine and get outside daily. Have lots of hobbies.
I don’t know about any relationships let alone one with WH and committed R. I still love parts of him (like I don’t feel I want to punish anymore or see him upset), but that love is not as fierce anymore, more compassionate than romantic. He felt like a stranger for so long after D-day. Even smelled different. So weird all of this.

Is it normal at nearly two years out to feel so…meh? Should I know whether I want to R or move on by now or is this just part of the process?

Thanks for reading, I’m not sure how cohesive that post was, but I’m glad I waited to post rather than closer to D-day. Those were messy times.

12 comments posted: Wednesday, October 25th, 2023