We're not broken, just bent
And we can learn to love again

I think I'm ready to work towards R. What do I need to know?

Brief history- 32BW and 33WH, together 14 years, married 6, two young kids under 5yo. WH had almost 3 year A including 1x sex (AP lives in a different country) and the rest was via texting, sexting, and calls. Dday was two months ago.

So far, WH has been doing everything "right". He is putting his all into IC and supporting me. We've been in this sort of limbo, but assuming his efforts remain consistent, I really feel like I want to shift my mind set into working together towards R.

Maybe this is a stupid question, but did you actually have a conversation with your WS defining that you are ready to give R a true shot? And by that I do not mean "get over it" or rug sweep it, I mean dive deep into working through what happened, how it happened, vulnerabilities in our marriage (I'm already aware of several), how we can build a new dynamic for the future, etc. Or did you just fall into working on things?

Open to any advice you may have about this specific part of post A life. For context, I feel like I have moved through the intense initial trauma fog that started on Dday. I feel more rational, stable, and clear headed enough to make decisions and process everything.

4 comments posted: Tuesday, February 28th, 2023

2 Weeks from D Day. Putting one foot in front of the other.

Hi SI,

I've been lurking for two weeks, but finally ready to make my place here official.

Two weeks ago today my world came crashing down on a family vacation on the other side of the world. WH knocked his phone off his nightstand in his sleep. I picked it up for him at the exact second a message was coming through and you all know the rest.

We've been together since we were 18, college sweet hearts. To say I was blindsided doesn't even begin to cover it. I was thankful everyday for what we had and the life we built. I truly thought we were happy and taking on the world together. We have two little ones ages 4 and almost 2.

WH traveled for work pre-covid. His last two business trips were in Canada (we are in the US). On his second to last one, he grabbed dinner alone after a meeting. The bartender from the restaurant struck up a conversation with him. They chatted for an hour and she asked for his number. She knew he was married. They began texting about everyday things- music, world events, sports. He went back on his final business trip a few months later and they met up and had sex. Since then it's been a 2+ year texting, calling, sexting affair.

During this time we got pregnant and had our little one. I was pregnant when he slept with her. When I saw the messages, I sat there for 3 hours and went through everything- his email, messages, call log, bank accounts, and social media before waking him up and confronting. He immediately broke down sobbing. For the last 13 days, he's done everything "right"- initiating NC, deleting her contact info, thoroughly and repeatedly answering my questions, managing everything pertaining to the house and kids and I just haven't been able to function, ordered and read how to support your spouse book, started IC. Then last night, I was asking him some more questions and I made a mean comment about one of his answers. He silently got up and walked away. I followed him and said that he can't just walk away and if he wants to try to R, there's going to be years and years of questions and processing ahead. He absolutely blew up at me- SCREAMED at me like he was out of control. We have never once raised our voices at each other in 15 years. Some of what he was screaming was understandable- that he has never dealt with this before and just has anger bubbling up inside him and if I want to push for a reaction when he tries to walk away that this is what's going to happen. He said that he hasn't even gotten into the process of therapy and doesn't have the tools to effectively respond to me without f---ing it up. Said that I am not happy with his honest answers so he doesn't know what else to say (I keep asking why, how could you do this, how was I so stupid) and his answers are basically that he never intended to hurt me, that he didn't even realize the levels of hurt I'd experience from this, that he didn't go seeking to f--k his life up, it was just a happenstance meeting that felt innocent and snowballed, that he feels immense relief he was caught.

We haven't spoken since the yelling last night and are starting MC today with a Gottman trained therapist. I just feel terrified that I gave myself so wholly and loving to someone for my entire adult life and I feel like I have no idea who he actually is. I'm still very much on the trauma rollercoaster.

I'm so incredibly sad to be here, but appreciate the resources this group has already shown me.

6 comments posted: Tuesday, January 17th, 2023