Please, desperate for advice
First of all, THANK YOU for this forum. It’s of great comfort in such a terrible time. ❤️❤️❤️
Please, I ask your advice and opinions:
My girlfriend for 12 years and mother to my kid has had sex with another man.
Context: Our relationship had gone sour, communication was terrible, and we both neglected each other both physically and emotionally. A lot of bumps in the road, what many would call "life", but to her "big crises". She has a lot of issues due to trauma from being raised by a borderline mother, and has shown mild symptoms of this her self (lying, a lot, about trivial things, and bigger things. Hiding her phone, always putting it upside down and very often screening calls). Lying about whereabouts, Economy, but also possibly former affairs, as I’ve seen very suspicious texts and behavior. I understand now that she’s probably been gaslighting me then, and that I was a fool for trying to have trust in her (which I never really managed).
Eight months ago she called for a break in our relationship. We agreed to not date others, this was purely about "finding out footing". We agreed to do different things that summer, and when autumn came she wanted us to rent an apartment to create space for each other. I moved in. She’s been taking huge steps in reinventing herself in her relationship with her mother, and trying to find happiness and freedom from anxiety/bulimia. However, it turns out she also established contact with a much younger man already before that summer, when needing a break from us. I found out about them by using find my iPhone and uncovered a webhole of lies and deceit to keep it secret. All at the same time she’s been telling me that she sees a future for us now. The night I got her to tell me the truth, in detail, about what had happened, she claimed to have had sex with him six times (supposedly counted with her therapist). I have no idea if that’s true, but I DO now she went back to his place the night after she came clean to me. That’s the last "evidence" I’m gonna get, as I spilled my heart to her, and told her to f off. She deleted the find my iPhone, much to my blessing, as I really don’t need to know if she’s still seeing him (she probably is).
What do I do?
I told her that we were broken up know, and for her to get out of my life, but we have a kid together, and a long life together, and even though I carry an unbearable amount of hatred and bitterness, I truly love her deeply, and at some level I want her back and want to fix this - and at the same time I hate myself for it, I feel weak.
She is considering getting help for possible borderline personality disorder - it frightens the living crap out of me that BPD parters are chronic cheaters and liars, according to quora… I’m not even sure she defines this as cheating, as she know tries to rewrite our separation story and that this wasn’t truly cheating. She hid it for months, while playing with my hopes of fixing us. She now claims these feelings to be true, that she really had started to feel hope for us again. Not sure what to believe, she seems sincere, but then again…
Is she toying with me? Am I a fool for wanting to believe her? I’m an emotional wreck now, as I have the kid half the time, and jealousy is still killing me (she told me she has cut all ties to the other guy, but I have no clue).
I need advice! Help, and some forum shoulders to sob my heart out on, because it feels as this will end me. We’ve scheduled a talk tomorrow, as I need to be able to communicate without wanting to scream at her, for the sake of our son.
Sorry about long post, any thoughts or similar experiences will be much appreciated. ❤️
22 comments posted: Friday, January 20th, 2023
