Endless cycle is killing me

It all came out at Easter, although I'd known at least a year and suspected longer than that. Since then it's been an endless cycle of him saying it's completely over, no communication etc and me finding out it isn't.
I thought we could sort it out ourselves, I mean, all he had to do was cut her out and that's it. Simple. Only it's not simple as he doesn't seem capable of doing it.
I really believed him last time, I knew she didn't want to be with him, and that reassured me. But I discovered he'd got himself another phone (I found the last secret phone just last month). There were old photos of her and he'd put her name as the sexiest woman on the planet. I said to him I assume that's not me then. He said she'd contacted him saying she's depressed so he got a new phone so she could reach him any time. I really don't care if she's depressed! She brought it on herself. I didn't! How does he think I feel?! Like killing myself sometimes.
It's devastating.
We've decided to go to counselling. I believe he wants us to stay together but not that he wants to give her up. I just hope this will help. It's really the last chance saloon. It's terrifying thinking if this doesn't work, I'm out of excuses not to leave him. I love him so much, despite everything and I know he loves me. He just doesn't seem able to cut her out.
I don't know how I'll survive if we split up, I really don't. Especially thinking they'll be together. This endless cycle is causing me endless stress, anxiety, PTSD, depression. I feel it will all kill me one day. We'll have been together 25 years soon, I keep wondering if we'll make it. How do people survive this?

8 comments posted: Tuesday, September 19th, 2023

4 months on and it's 1 step forward 2 steps back

Really struggling today. A brief background, it all came out at Easter he'd been having an affair a couple of years. I'd suspected a long time, I don't know why I didn't say anything sooner. Too scared maybe.
So we cried talked etc, he said it was over. I've since found out it wasn't. He just got a 2nd phone and made a show of leaving his first phone where I could see it. A month or so later I discovered emails, again there were tears and talks. Another month later discovered yet more emails. Him basically saying he'd be there whenever she wanted, as she actually finished things with him.
More tears.
More talks.
This week was when I discovered the 2nd phone. Contact ended 2 or 3 weeks ago, but he still had the phone. He was beside himself saying it was over and they hadn't been in contact. But doesn't seem to understand keeping the phone means he was keeping a back door open. Having seen timings for phone calls and messages, and emails to his friend (not to her) I can see he never had any intention of finishing things. She finished with him when she discovered we were having sex as he'd said to her we weren't.
Do I just accept it's over, despite it not being my husband's doing? I actually told him it was time for a divorce when I found the phone but have once again given him a chance seeing as there's no evidence of contact for several weeks.
I feel like I'm going mad. He's done nothing to make me trust him. I don't know if I'm being stupid, if even things have finished I'll feel so insecure and stressed from the constant deceit I'll never be happy with him again. But right now, I can't see how I'd ever be happy without him either. It's awful. We're coming up to our 25 year anniversary. It's hard to give up on those years which were happy till now. He can't give a reason for the affair, he says there was nothing wrong with our marriage. It just happened. I find it hard to believe.

15 comments posted: Saturday, August 5th, 2023