Can't get over him being in love with her
Hello,
This is my first post and I am not totally ready to share the whole story yet so I hope my post and questions are okay here like this for now.
I discovered my husband had a 6 month emotional affair, it was with someone at work so they spent all day together, though it did not get physical. He says he would not have gone there, I don't believe him at all and think he would have if it had been possible (both married, worked in a kitchen and employees didn't have a separate place to go, her husband picked her up right after work, they seemed to think that if there was nothing physicial it was okay etc).
The last month since I discovered (by questioning, and he had this look about him like he was in love or something, it was so weird to see!) has been intense and really tough. He was horrible with me at first, yelling, blaming me, saying the most horrendous things, he looked like a yelling volcano or something, and just seemed like a complete stranger to me.
I couldn't believe he would do something like that or blame me for it.
From reading here, I realised it was "normal" behavior when (some) people cheat and so I continued refusing blame and asking questions. It took me the most courage I have ever had in my whole life to get through these last weeks where he then started trickle-truthing, then yelling again etc and now finally for about 2 weeks has been doing all the actions to repair and tell the truth.
I still can't get over how much he fell for her, I found her pics online, she is younger, prettier, just so dainty that I call her his Disney princess.
The problem is that because they kept it "clean" no contact outside of work (except a few "friendly" emails - I have read them, he has deleted and blocked), no touching (except by "accident", they work in a kitchen, so that probably happened frequently), and both being "happily" married, he was able to grow an intense emotional relationship. He seems to know so much about her and was fantasising about things (the future, what it would be like to be living together, even having kids, something he has NEVER wanted - not that they talked about that, but he thought about it ALL THE TIME). And I see his eyes when he talks about her, I don't think he has ever felt or looked at me that way (we have been together for 9 years, married for 7, both in our 40s).
He really is doing everything right (now), I have studied these boards like crazy and I can't deny it, he is remorseful, will answer any question without getting angry etc, taking actions, quit his job, found a new one, came up with some "rules" so I can always check or know what he is doign and where etc
Of course he still has a HUGE way to go, he will still act and speak in a self-centred way, for example even though he is starting to show that he gets how I feel, I think he is still mostly overwhelmed by shame and guilt (so more focussed on him for now).
he has been crying all the time, being super emotional and expressing gratitude etc, things I have never seen him do.
He knows I am expecting top shape behavior and that he has to be all in, though I am not making any major decision right now.
What gets me and keeps me from sleeping, eating, working is how much he was into her. We talked about it and even i can tell he feels a way he never did for me. He went through a huge heartbreak when he quit and sometimes I still see him sad about it (there is this look in his eyes and when i ask he does confirm).
I can't get over my husband being in love with another woman :-(
Plus how could it be worth it with no physical contact? I know that there is a big imaginary part of it too... but he seems to genuinely care about her, think about her, and really love her.
I think he really cared for her and liked her and actually fell in love (in a messed up kind of way, not sure I can write the actual words I am thinking in this forum), and it was serious enough that he knew very well it could be the end of our marriage.
I am not sure I can get over him being in love with another woman and how he would have risked our marriage for something so "superficial" (on the outside, intense on the inside and I guess between then in their "contactless so okay" relationship). When I found out she had just been moved to another location for work so he continued working there for a while. It took a few weeks before he went NC and quit his job. After she came back to the location and found out he had left, she tried reaching out (in a mellow shy text but still out of what i would consider appropriate for a married woman). He didn't answer and he deleted it along with her contact info (after yelling at me and telling me if was my fault, that was a few weeks ago when we first starting talking about it, he REALLY regrets using it against me now and apologises often about that incident).
I have never cheated but when I am in love, i want physical contact. It's true that my husband does not seem to be wired that way (he did fantasise about sex with her and find her attractive but he does seem to have more of a preference for the emotional side, I can't say that makes me feel any better though!).
I guess I just can't believe he did that.
How do I move forward ?
23 comments posted: Wednesday, May 3rd, 2023
