Can You Forgive Some But Not All?

I know this topic has probably been covered in other threads but it’s easier asking the question again than digging through all the posts.
A little background: we had been married 29 years when I discovered the affair was happening, the AP was the same age as my children (college age) when the affair started, she was friends with my kids and my husband had no problem with her becoming a fixture at our house, and the affair had been going on for 7 years when I finally figured it out. That was 4 years ago.
I can forgive him for having an affair. I am willing to admit that when the affair started our marriages was not in the best place. We had spent years raising a family and suddenly it was just the 2 of us again. We had lost our ability to communicate with one another about anything but the kids. I know this doesn’t justify what he did, but it helps me understand it.
I can forgive him for getting involved with someone less than half my age. But this was a little harder because she was friends with my kids, and they were hurt when they lost what they thought was a good friend.
What I can’t seem to forgive is he let it go on for 7 years. This is a fact that has been gnawing at me for 4 years now. I couldn’t forgive it 4 years ago, I can’t forgive it now, and I don’t see me ever forgiving it in the future.
Can you forgive some things but not other things about the affair and have a successful reconciliation ? Is this something I just need to let go of so I can move on? He has done nothing in the last 4 years to make me think he is anything but all in for making this marriage work. I feel like it’s me that’s holding us back.

5 comments posted: Friday, September 22nd, 2023

Will the roller coaster end?

I discovered my husband of 29 years was having an affair with a woman less than half my age. She even befriended my children and that’s how she manipulated her way to be constantly at our house. So the affair was going on in front of my face for 7 years, with no end in sight, before I finally figured it out.
That was over 4 years ago. I am still with my husband. Our marriage seems better and stronger than it ever has. He says he is dedicating the rest of his life to making me happy. But I am still riding the roller coaster of emotional ups and downs. The ups of I can’t imagine my marriage being any better than what we have right now and even looking forward to the future together I’m so glad I stayed, to the downs of why would I stay with a man who treated me this way, who had so little respect for me and our marriage?
My question to those of you that stayed with your spouse and saved the relationship, does the roller coaster ever stop? Will I ever get to a point where I am totally comfortable with my decision to stay? Will the voice in my head saying I’m glad I stayed ever drown out the voice telling me I should have left?
I realize I may never fully trust him again, but I want to believe him when he says she is out of his life completely and he’s in this marriage for the long haul.

7 comments posted: Saturday, September 16th, 2023