3 weeks post D-day still feels surreal

Hello SI community. First-time poster, obviously.

I will do my best to make this make sense. There's a lot.

WH and I have been together for just over 2 years. We JUST got married at the end of May and moved to a farm in Missouri in August. He's 54, I'm 46, so not spring chickens. We met and went on a first date a few weeks later. When we kissed, it was like fireworks exploded in the sky. It was magic. Things progressed quickly and we fell in love hard and fast. The past two years have been like a fairy tale. We had so much in common. Our chemistry was off the charts. We seemed perfect for each other. We laughed and had so much fun together. I loved him so much. I truly had stars in my eyes.

Before we moved to Missouri, WH owned a jewelry store in California (where we moved from). It was his dad's, so family business. He'd been talking about selling the store since I met him, but decided to keep it open and let the woman who manages the store run it day to day once we moved to Missouri. So he owns it, manager runs it now. We live in Missouri. Manager is in California. She has been working at the jewelry store for years. She is also married.

WH didn't invite anyone from the jewelry store to our wedding. He never told anyone at work he was married. They knew he was dating me, but I never met any of them. He even gave me a fake name in his phone - Betsy. Hence betsydonewrong. He said he didn't want his co-workers in his private life, and that he wanted to keep his work and personal life separate. Plausible enough, or so I thought.

He gave me the impression that I wasn't allowed to go to the store during business hours, so I never went there. I didn't understand why, and I thought it was odd, but I just let it be. Now I know he didn't want me and the manager in the same room together, because...

D-day was 3 weeks ago. I glanced down at WH's phone to see what time it was and saw a text thread between him and the store manager on a day when the store is closed. She said she was alone and asked if he could call her. He said it wasn't a good time (he was with me) and he wished he could "my love." He called her "my love." She wrote back "Okay have a wonderful day DADDY." Yes, daddy. With kissy face and heart emojis.

We were outside laying gravel, so I went into the house and started bawling my eyes out because I assumed the worst. WH came inside and found me crying hysterically and when I asked him what was going on, he said, very calmly, looking me in the eye, that the content of those texts was just how him and the store manager always talked to each other and it's just silly banter that's been going on at the store for years and it doesn't mean anything.

I bought it, at first. Then I started thinking about it and it didn't sit right with me. I didn't want to believe that this amazing man I'd married and uprooted my entire life for would have an affair. A few days later, I found some emails in his account from late August/early September (after we'd moved to Missouri). He'd broken the screen on his phone and he was telling her to contact him by email. And more "I love you" and "I miss you." And he calls her pet names he calls me, like sweet baby, beautiful girl, and baby girl. He can't even be original and call us different names. I confronted him and then WH told me a story about how the manager had been raped several years ago and he was the one who took her to the doctors and filed police reports. And that she came to WH, not her own husband because she knew her husband would kill the guy who raped her. So WH said him and the manager formed this bond and they've been close ever since. But he still said he loves me and wants only me, and he's here with me and she's there and he doesn't want her, blah blah.

A few days later, I start going through his phone and I find more text messages between them planning to have secret phone calls, and he's telling her he loves her and misses her. He kept in touch with her the entire time we were driving from California to Missouri. And texts from around the time we left (mid-July) from him to her said "I'm so sad." "My heart hurts knowing I'm not going to see you today." Etc.

Going further back, it appears they may have still been intimate while he was with me, because she accused him of giving him an STD that I had given him. PS I just had an STD test two weeks ago thanks to this. It came back clean.

I called WH's mother and started talking to her about all of this. WH got VERY angry at me about bringing his mother into this and became somewhat violent. We were in the car, and he kept punching the seat right beside my head. Later in the day, he pushed me. Broke and threw things, and pulled out his handgun and threatened to blow his brains out. He stuck the gun in his mouth twice. Eventually he left in his truck, with half my stuff, cuz I was packing to leave at that point. But he texted me not that long after and said he was sorry and wanted to talk and came home. WH smoothed things over with his mom and told her the same lies he's been telling me. The fact that he got as angry as he did is further indication of guilt, if you ask me.

He locked down his phone about a week and a half ago, claiming I was invading his privacy. He broke his phone last week when he threw it at me and it landed on the counter and the screen shattered. So he's been without a phone for a week. But I found more emails between him and the manager in this past week, including a secret email account he thinks I know nothing about. More of the same. He's telling her he loves her and misses her, etc.

I also found a Christmas card from her to him that said "me and you forever" and "I'll never stop loving you." It was dated 12-25-22, which was more than a year into my relationship with him. At some point, he told me they did have a relationship and it lasted about a year and they were sleeping together. So I'm pretty sure this affair was going on the entire time he and I were together, even though he says he stopped things with her when he met me because he only wanted to be with me and he thought I was amazing and the love of his life. He tells me " I won because he's here with me" and that I need to stop being so insecure and be more confident because I have him. Umm no, I don't.

I have to be careful going into his computer because I discovered the browser he uses tracks everything and if he checks the history, he'd be able to see that his accounts were being logged into at times when he wasn't around. I don't want to mess with the settings or anything for fear of messing something up. But I also don't want him to lock his computer down because it's the only way I can have any inkling what's going on right now since he won't let me see his phone.

Things I don't understand: Why he would marry me and move to Missouri with me when he's involved with another woman in California? Why does he continue to carry on with her when he's here with me?

A couple of other details: I have a job, he doesn't. His only income is from the jewelry store, and it's sporadic at best. The store isn't doing well, and hasn't for years. So I am the breadwinner. BUT WH's mom sent him $12,000 this month that he told me nothing about, so I'm sure she'll be able to take care of him if I leave. But I think he moved out here with me in part because he knew I could take care of him financially. I have a good remote job and I make good money.

We didn't live together prior to getting married. I have children from previous marriages. Everything changed once we moved in together, which was in July right before we left for Missouri. He became mean and easily annoyed and very impatient with me. I thought it was the stress of the move, having to pack up our lives and move halfway across the country. We continued to fight when we got here, and now I guess I know why. He was broken hearted at having to leave his love in California.

And after D-day, everything is different between us. There's no more trust, obviously. We are tiptoeing around each other, he's trying to keep his secrets, I'm constantly on hyper-vigilant watch trying to see what he's doing, if he's emailing or texting her, etc. It's exhausting and so, so demoralizing. Our entire dynamic has changed. We aren't the same as we were before, and I know that the fairy tale is over. It's become a horrible nightmare. I am devastated. I can't eat and my sleep is horrible. I'm on edge and ready to explode all the time. And yet, I am faking it right now, trying to be sweet and keep the peace while plotting an escape. He is in his head, and barely listens to me or talks to me. We are still intimate, but even that isn't the same.

I think I have no other choice but to leave at this point. He is never going to tell me the truth, and he can't go NC with the store manager because she runs his business. He isn't going to stop with her. I can't keep pretending everything is okay, and I'm terrified of making him angry again. And he simply isn't the man I fell in love with. He's a stranger with bad character and poor moral choices. I never thought he'd be the type of man to do this. He seemed to have so much integrity and a strong faith in God. He's the type of man who says grace before almost every meal, and we attend church every Sunday.

I'm so broken, and I have a lot of healing to do. I don't see an opportunity for R here. It's going to sound messed up, but I still love him so much. At least I love the man I fell in love with. I have to keep reminding myself he doesn't exist, and the man I'm living with is a deeply flawed stranger. I have to love and respect myself enough to walk away, and I have to teach my daughter that it's not acceptable to continue with someone who lies to and betrays you.

57 comments posted: Tuesday, December 5th, 2023