Married 5 years (together 11) Four children Me Bs 36Him WH 35- 4 month PA Dday Oct 6- lots of TT final disclosure Jan 16.

"If we walk through hell we might as well hold hands, we should make this a home"- citizen soldier

Bigger trauma

We have had a huge life event happen. One so much bigger than the A. I always said that the only thing worse than what he did would be for something to happen to one of our kids.
Our son last week lost his legs in a freak accident and we are three surgeries in and working on his 4th this week. We have cried and bonded and I still can’t help but throw up the A sometimes. Not in a mean way but in a way where how could he ever jeopardize time with him and not feel this massive amount of guilt now. Well I only asked once and when he fell to his knees and sobbed it’s clear he does. The amount this man has changed is astronomical but here I am still holding him to the fire while he’s already climbing to get out.

My emdr will be moving towards my son because we were present during the accident and we are stuggling with ptsd. I know that this situation will either make us or break us and so far, I don’t think we have loved each other more.
He hasn’t left us in the hospital and he has bent over backwards for our son to make sure he is comfortable and happy. (As happy as he can make him)

He sat me down yesterday and told me I was still allowed to be hurt by what he did and sad but asked me to see my counselor because now I have two traumas and I’m not doing well. I will post later on down the road about the abandonment I felt during my sons accident but clearly I’m not ready to yet but I could use some advice as time goes on. I’m hoping she can help that healing process so I can focus more on my son vs my feelings.

I won’t be here as much as I used to and we will be mainly focused on our son but I hope down the road as we watch our son heal and thrive and do amazing things , so will we and we will have a success story. Our family needs each other more than we ever have.

I have never felt so much pain in my life watching my son like he is but I know he will be amazing just like all of us once we heal. I guess we will all heal together.

If you’re the praying kind please keep us in them.

36 comments posted: Thursday, October 31st, 2024

What part of the day is rhe worst for you and why

What part of the the day if you have one is usually bad , like you can usually count on a breakdown around that time and Why do you think that is? When thoughts of infidelity and grief just washes over you.

What part of the day or activity are you doing where you are the most care free and happy during the day and why?

Just wanting to hear others thoughts.

13 comments posted: Saturday, October 19th, 2024

Conflicting emotions but evening out

I feel like I am getting closer to posting in the reconciliation portion of the forums but I am not quite ready to do that yet but I feel my H and I are on the path to fighting this thing together.

Laying in bed last night after our counseling session I told him I had no idea that I could be the happiest but yet the saddest I have ever been in my entire life. He validated my feelings telling me he feels the same exact way, sadness for what he did but a very hopeful and positive view on our future. I feel like I am finally at turning point, at a cross road and although I think I am going to stand here for a while , I see me choosing reconciliation.

The amount of dedication, sweat , tears, and change my H has put into himself and this marriage is inspirational and our MC pointed out yesterday that we were on a path to eventually (One day way in the future) help other people if we stay on this path of self discovery, self awareness, and self healing.
Towards the end of our session yesterday our MC pointed out I still have quite a lot of self healing to do and I let him know I was going back at the end of the month, my H does too of course but he wasn't the one traumatized... so I know I will have to deal with that. He has to keep digging into his FOO issues.

For the first time in forever, I am happy, will that change tomorrow, I am sure it will by the hour but after seeing his effort, after taking off my rose colored glasses, after really accepting that my H is a flawed human (like all of us) I feel like I can breathe a little bit easier. I know that his issues weren't my fault , as hes told me over and over but it didn't sink in until recently that she really could have been anyone. I struggled with him enjoying what he did in the moment even if he hates it now, he didn't then. I actually posted about it in here and got great advice but I wasn't ready to hear it yet. I needed time to process it and really understand it. I do now. The amount of pain he caused all of us, the amount of love that he threw away, and jeopardizing my health , I know he never will look back and think of that as a "great time". He tells me all the time he was low and he found someone just as low as him if not lower to feel superior, I get it now. I hate it but I get it.

I know it has only been a year and my healing is really only beginning, I am hopeful and I feel like after all of this I came out a better person... not because I was traumatized but because I became vulnerable, more self aware, stronger, and I will never allow shitty behavior towards my children and I ever again from anyone, above all the man that should love and protect us the most. We are going to start going to celebrate recovery at a different church because he will be a year porn free in December and we also would like to connect in person with others struggling with similar addictions/issues, I think it is time we move forward in a positive way but in fear of rugsweeping, we both agreed that we have to continue on the path of healing but not moving too fast that we don't address all issues surrounding the A. It will be a rough journey I am sure. Eventually we have discussed testimonials and all that but that will be YEARS down the road if we end up being able to reconcile.

With that being said, I hate how we got here, I hate what he did, I hate his flaws, I hate our M will never be the same, that M is dead and I am fearful to eventually start a new one but those feelings are slowly fading to the background and I am focusing more on the present and our future , whatever that is. I am letting go of the outcome but deciding to be more present in the here and now and work through those feelings with my IC and through other outlets. I am tired of letting the A have so much power over my thoughts, self worth, and children's lives, I was someone before him and I will be someone after with him or without him, and I want her healthy.

My goal is to do IC for the next 6 months AT LEAST to work on more of my codependency issues and when I feel like I am strong enough to really look at my life and my H and realize I can do and be anyone I want to be then I will move forward with really reconciling. Each day I grow a little bit stronger and a little more emotionally independent.

Thank you all for the support, advice, and love, and even tough love that you have shown me here. I hope to continue growing and helping in return when and where I can because I know how instrumental you all were to me in the early days, and continue being as I try to heal.

12 comments posted: Friday, October 18th, 2024

I wasn't crazy

So my H and I met, bonded, and even married over our love for music.
It sounds crazy but when we met what both made us fall was that we both had the same taste in music, he was blown away for my love of the 80s rock and my knowledge of it and I in turn was intrigued by his love and passion for performing the music I loved. When we met he was in a rock band, leather jacket, broke white boy, struggling to make it big , you get it I am sure. When we met I was almost making 6 figures at 23. He was barely making 20k a year but his passion, his love for music hooked me and I got pregnant shortly after ( I was so smart, I know). Our wedding was music themed and it was absolutely stunning, my bouquet made out of sheet music of our first dance. As time went on and as he put his music and band first my love for music fell, I fell out of love with music and we fought SO MUCH over it. I blamed THE MUSIC, he blamed me. He told me that "I didn't understand his love for music." but I knew my love for music and lyrics has always ran deep and I compared my love of music to his, I figured because he played and wrote music maybe my love wasn't as deep I grew up in a dysfunctional home where Eminem and Staind were my outlet with their lyrics all over my wall.
Fast forward a few years after us knowing each other, I just didn't feel the same way about music, I resented it so much because in my mind my H traded the kids and I for following this dream that wasn't going anywhere, he spent endless amount of time and money on it that I just hated music in general. His favorite songs irritated me , hell my favorite songs irritated me, I pictured him on stage with women who didn't MATTER yelling his name, half the time flashing their shit. All the while his wife and kids were home supporting his broke ass.

Anyways today I was in a mood and I had listened to music all day while cleaning and when he woke up from his nap (he is sick) I asked him why he never wrote music about the kids or I his whole 12 years with me. He FINALLY ADMITTED he never used music for love, for passion or for good, he used it for an ego boost... for people to say his name that never mattered. The lyrics meant little to nothing, the shit is sent him in the past meant nothing and they lyrics he wrote to her the one time were dog shit. The look in his eyes were pitiful, just empty.

FOR 12 YEARS I struggled with this, I thought we connected on a deeper level of something we never really did, he loved music because he was looking for an escape for people pleasing, I connected to music because I escaped my life and I connected with the lyrics personally, he did not for the most part. The bond wasnt real in my mind. His love for music has tapered off and mine is growing strong again.

I remember him almost flipping the car sideways way back when we dated bc we had a fight about music and he jerked the wheel saying I didn't support him and i sobbed, fucking garbage, I was always right. He loved himself and that was it... not even his band members who he doesn't talk to at all.

I asked him tonight if I was always right for not liking music because of his bad habits and he hung his head and said yes.
He has NOT touched his gear since D day and since the realization of his shitty coping mechanisms I do not see him ever touching his guitar or bass again and I don't know if I ever will be ok with him anyway.

The shit runs deep.

I don't know why I am posting this, maybe just to say that as time goes on the truth of everything comes out and its more shit to deal with. That I can say my gut was always RIGHT.
I am proud of him for the self realization, don't get me wrong because I know for the first time he is facing himself for the first time, I didn't lose it but I want to blare my music till he leaves the house but instead... we blasted music and the kids and i baked Halloween brownies and I kept my headphones on to avoid conversation with him because today, I just can't.

8 comments posted: Sunday, October 13th, 2024

untrusting

I have noticed something as time goes on and what I couldn't put a finger on in the past has come so easily to me now, when I block everyone else out and just listen to my inner thoughts, it is crazy.

I have had a bad bad bad day. Work was rough, I am searching for a counselor for our 11 year old daughter , I had issues with the special needs crew at my daughters school, and I am just down right exhausted from 10 hour days and working with the kiddos.
My H tried to call me several times throughout the day and I just couldn't bring myself to answer the phone, I had no desire to talk to him or to tell him about the struggles I have had.
I politely told him I was having a bad day and I would prefer to just be in my thoughts and the old me would have LOVED to vent, to make a big deal and to I used to love to get comfort but the new me is afraid.
I am almost afraid to show him the side of me that is struggling, I hate when he sees me at my worst and at first I couldn't figure out why.. then it hit me.

He only saw her good side (if there even was one). He saw the fake side of her, the side that had no issues , no drama, all fun and games , she was his escape and here I am drowning in laundry, skipping showers because I am exhausted, looking for counselors for our daughter because I know that this past year has affected her. I am being a messy human (as expected) and I don't want him to be around for it. I don't feel yet that he is a partner to me, I feel like he is still the tornado that ruined our home.
When I explained this to him exactly like I did here he told me he wanted to know every side of me, the good the bad and the in between but he understood my logic and he would wait for me. I didn't respond to that much, I just told him "thanks for understanding".

I don't even trust him to hear about the struggles in our OWN family... the amount of stuff the affair steals from your soul is heartbreaking.
Don't get me wrong, we are choosing our daughters counselor together, not only from his A but from other issues she has had before the A, being a tween is hard these days and with three other kids I want her to have a HEALTHY escape.

Anyways, I am just here to vent, to say that I don't even find it necessary to include him in my struggles and it hurts to the core.
I enjoy my dinner with the kids alone, I prefer to struggle on my own, I prefer to watch tv without him , I just prefer to be alone because the trust in him not only as my H but as a decent human being is gone, some days I just feel ick.

I know that therapy will help and the dive I am making into this church group will help even more with the codependency but I blame him for a lot of things right now , our daughters issues being one. I take ownership for my behaviors after dday and he takes his but I am not at a forgiving point for how he flipped our world upside down and shook these kiddos with it. I know he struggles to forgive himself too. I listened to a podcast on forgiveness and it moved me to tears, and I thought maybe today will be the day I forgive him or even her for that matter, nope. Not even close, damn me and my grudge holding self.

Self reflection and processing my own thoughts have became easier these days, like I am able to tell him more clearly how I feel but the feelings are usually not good.

I know I am still early but it is like two battles going on inside me, one telling me to let him in and one telling me not to trust him.

I would LOVE to find just a bit of peace in my mind but I don't see it coming anytime soon, sleep is back to being awful too so I am sure that doesn't help. I keep throwing myself into work and overtime because when I do that I don't have to think about much with him ya know? I go to the gym and walk and run because it is therapeutic, who can sit still with these thoughts? I am literally running myself into the ground.

17 comments posted: Thursday, October 10th, 2024

It is a weird one- D day

Alright so this may be a weird one, or maybe the wording of it may be weird, I am not sure.

Most of you that read my posts know that today is D day.

So I listen to songs with my kids a lot. If y'all like Five finger death punch, you may know the song "circus" we listen to it all the time and our three year old son just adores it (mostly because he has an obsession with monsters right now because I am a halloween fanatic).

Anyways, when we listen to it when my H is in the car it just hits differently , I don't like it anymore, it is like he ruins a lot for things for me. Any song that has to do with sex, drugs, or any movie for that matter I do not enjoy it when I am with him. I am struggling a lot. When I am by myself I scream the lyrics "you have to f*** somebody to love somebody" because to me it is jut lyrics but that is exactly what HE DID. He f***** someone... to possibly love her. When I watch movies with sex, it is what it is because I wasn't an addict but he was.

I don't know if that makes sense but so many things just HIT differently when he is with me. When I am alone it is JUST lyrics, it is JUST a movie, when he is with me it is reality, it is the truth of him. Does that make sense? I have to be very cautious what we listen to and what we watch because it just floods me. I have gotten a lot better with certain songs and most that used to bother me don't phase me but now the only way I can describe it is: "when I am with him things are tainted, when I am alone I enjoy those things."

Does this pass? Is this normal? I haven't brought it up to him yet because I don't want to hurt his feelings, I know what hurts and bothers me has NOTHING to do with her or what he did but he has RUINED so many things for me WHEN I AM WITH HIM. He sends me photos of the sunrise on his way to to work and I tell him how beautiful they are and he always tells me how they don't compare to me but how many times has he screwed her under the same sun?! I don't say that to him (anymore) but the thoughts haven't left my brain.

So many things feel tainted and I know so many things also pass. I think back to when showering naked and vulnerable felt like a death sentence and I conquered that, I hope that I can conquer this but mannnnnnnnn this is so hard.

Sorry for being needy, this week is just extra hard.

Gahhhh, I hate it.

7 comments posted: Monday, October 7th, 2024

Is it healing?

Dday is this coming Sunday, I have been more exhausted and sad this week than normal which is still quite sad so I’m sure you can imagine or have been there.

Lately I haven’t cared much if my H is home and I’ve been enjoying my life at home with just my kids and can’t be bothered by him a lot of nights.
Last night I actually told my H I have to get to a point where if he cheats again or does anything again , I have to be ok with life without him and being okay enough to just walk away. Hell that even includes death (which I definitely do not wish) but tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. He completely agreed and even said he would understand if I were to start my own bank account for a savings just Incase.

With that being said I just joined a small group in my church where I will probably share a lot of my story since it’s a group like this , I am active again at the gym, I barely drink now, and I am finding my alone time priceless.

I guess my question is for those who have healed and stayed or left for that matter , is this the beginning of healing? I’m so worried maybe I just don’t care anymore about him or us , I like to think I’m learning to love myself and find my own path with him treading somewhere around me but not hand and hand. Idk if that makes sense. I’ve never felt more ok with being alone and having him do his thing. Maybe because I know he is fighting for me and I finally feel comfortable and loved enough that I know he wants what’s best for me finally? Maybe it’s because I see a different man in front of me , one that is really proud of who he is becoming? He looks at his kids so differently and he even speaks out against porn and what it could do to someone’s brain (his dad is also and addict) our conversations are deeper , about regrets , about plans and investments, pain and goals.

Don’t get me wrong I’m still sad 85% of the day but for 15% it’s ok.

It’s like a new found freedom and independence yet collaboration that really don’t know how to name. Maybe this is how a marriage always should have been and I’m used to the shit sandwich I’ve been given the past 5 years.
Some days it’s like we are friends again. Sex isn’t his or my priority and we just cuddle or watch movies or even debate politics, idk. It’s nice but weird.

Not sure what I’m asking maybe i just need to get my feelings out. Maybe someone out there can relate.

23 comments posted: Thursday, October 3rd, 2024

Nothing to say

My day used to consist of asking my H questions about his A. I would ask the same questions over and over and over and over , begging him to tell me what we mean to him blah blah. He did and never got mad or told me I was ridiculous , when I asked him if I was being repetitive he admitted that I have asked the same questions probably a million times literally but he would continue answering them.

Now I find myself opening my mouth and telling myself "you already know the answer"
"You don’t need to ask this again"
"This isn’t going to help you heal"

Then I find myself closing my mouth and not saying a damn thing because what is there to say? I find more silence from me now and it’s weird. I go to bed to avoid the silence and feel like I have nothing to offer to the conversation as Crazy as that sounds. My life has literally revolved around his A for a year, I feel lost.

So my question is did this happen to you? Is it a good sign? I like to think I’m finally realizing his actions have spoken louder than his words? Or am I giving up? I don’t know.

I still will ask questions but after I ask them I realize I did it to just keep reminding him he should be thankful we are still here and I already know the answer , to be fair it’s only once a day at this point but I feel afraid to let go of what he did and move on, seeing him happy makes me mad. I actually asked him how he can laugh and smile and he said "because I still have you and the kids and I’m thankful" meanwhile I still feel like I’m holding my wound shut or maybe picking at it idk .

6 comments posted: Thursday, September 26th, 2024

I don't fear the trees anymore!

It is close enough to combine my dday with my anniversary and post an update
Today was our 1st wedding anniversary since Dday which was Oct 6 of 2023, the year that my entire life came tumbling down, the year that I picked up drinking to self soothe and avoid reality.

There are a few things here that I will share to offer some sort of hope whether you are reconciling or not. A few are embarrassing to an extent but we all have demons and we all heal differently so here we go.

My PTSD was so bad, and some days it still is.

I remember when I thought the trees were going to kill me and my H was not allowed to drive me ANYWHERE. My H had an affair that involved the woods and her car.

For the longest time when I was with my H I had to drive , he was not allowed to be behind the wheel, which seemed weird to me because she drove HER car and he rode passenger but as time went on and with a little of IC I realized I was afraid to give him ANY power, I didn't trust him to drive me anywhere and the few times I did let him drive I hyperventilated and he had to switch me seats.
I drove through a wooded area once and I had to turn around because the trees were overwhelming and all I could see was my H making love to her against every tree I passed, I shared this with him and for weeks on end I wouldn't leave my house in fear of the mental images of them together.

To this day my H can NOT be in the backseat or strap our baby in the third row of our SUV , I have to be the one to do it, the idea of him being in the back of the car brings mental images of them having sex in the back of her car.
I wish I could say this has changed but it hasn't.

I drank so much the first year I would go through a bottle of tequila once every three days , I would sob in the tub until my H brought me the bottle that made me feel ok enough to get out of the tub and face reality. He would cry because he wouldn't know what else to do, I would go buy it myself the days he didn't want to get it for me.

I remember going to get a tattoo with my best friend and she failed to tell me the tattoo place was in the same town that he had his A in and I cried when I walked in the door after going down a one way street the wrong way, i didn't know exactly what woods they had sex in so every single tree was a threat and i couldn't think straight.

I couldn't shower without spiraling for 3 hours after, I don't know what it was but showering did something to me and I would have panic attacks, maybe it was being vulnerable? Maybe it was that I felt unpretty naked? Maybe I was relaxed and I then realized I couldn't because I wasn't truly safe.

I still avoid the street that he took her to a trashy hotel on in my hometown, I still will NOT eat at the restaurant they would eat at, I will NOT go to the town she lives in, and I avoid anyone that has her name, I can't help but hate them immediately no matter how nice they are.

So many things have changed for me, I am forever changed, and I will never be the carefree person I was before, I will never believe in true love, or soul mates or think that vows really matter, unfortunately I have experienced too much hurt and pain to see those things as "real" again.

With that being said, a year later the trees are no longer a threat, I am starting to enjoy nature again and my H is allowed to drive my car and I ride passenger again quite a lot. It took me almost a year to be ok with him having control, I have cut back drinking, but I am nowhere sober, I drink most days at least once a day, but I refuse to buy liquor anymore. I am tired or hurting myself, I am tired of not caring about my health, and I am tired of the weight gain. I have had a few days this past week with no alcohol , so I think I am on my way?

I know my kids deserve better and our special needs daughter will need us forever, I have to find the strength to be better.

I now am ok with showering
I used to only do it once a week and I am back to my normal schedule, but it took a long time and baby steps to get there, thank God for dry shampoo and working from home.

Today was our anniversary, I asked my H to plan the day for us and he did, he took me to my fav restaurant and we met up with friends for some indoor golf and I had so much fun. We talked about the A in lenghth several times bc I Couldn't avoid it, it ruined what the day was supposed to truly mean so of course I thought about it. He hung his head and he told me all of his regrets, all the things he has missed out over the years and he poured his heart out to me when I was upset.
As embarrassing as it was for him he told me how low he was, how much he didn't respect himself, and unfortunately how little he cared for his kids and I. It hurt, God does it hurt but each step helps us heal.

I am thankful for today, I am thankful he took it so seriously, I am thankful I have done enough healing I don't fear trees anymore

NOTHING I mean NOTHING about this past year has been fun or easy but as I look back I see that I was drowning in so much water , although I am still not above water I am swimming, we are swimming together and fighting the tides and helping each other hold our heads above water. I can imagine I won't be on shore for a long time but I am fighting like hell, I have to say that him healing has helped me heal , his humility, his Ic he has done, his spiritual journey has helped me heal. I would like to think I have done SOME of my own healing although it has been way slower than his, I am swimming, I am finding my own hobbies, my own interests and following my heart the best I can for myself and for my kids. I hope at the end of this both roads we are on lead to each other.

here is to one year post Dday.

10 comments posted: Monday, September 23rd, 2024

Codependency

Quick question that may not have a quick answer.

For those of you that healed after the A , how many of you realized you had codependency issues and stayed for the wrong reasons before the A was even brought to light.

Were you able to break the codependency and move on alone or were you able to salvage the marriage and find your identity?

Quick background.
I am realizing that I have had codependency issues most of my life and as I am getting stronger (it varies day to day) I am not liking my H as much (add in the A) and I like him less.

I’m thinking of going back to IC and completely focusing on FOO issues and not the A at all.

I am reading healing the child within now and it’s hitting hard.

Thoughts?

6 comments posted: Thursday, September 12th, 2024

Could they really have been anyone?

Maybe I’m derailed because it’s A season and day is a month away. Maybe I’m depressed , maybe I feel like I’ll never heal.

Regardless , I’ve gotten back into the lovely million question game with my H ( I don’t think it will be going anywhere anytime soon). and those BS with more experience or maybe the WS here I have a question for you.

Could your AP really have been anyone? My
H swears by this and maybe I need reassurance, maybe because my trust in him is in the trash.

The lovely trauma strikes again.

35 comments posted: Sunday, September 8th, 2024

Obsessing over things they said.

Lately I’ve been obsessing over things I’ll never know. Things I know he never meant , none the less I can’t help but wonder the stupid comments they told each other. I mean he’s told me some but obviously he won’t remember them all. He reminds me none of them mattered but it doesn’t help me.

I will imagine them laying in her car and him telling her bullshit compliments and vice Versa.

How did you all calm your thoughts around this?
There are so many things I’ll never know.

18 comments posted: Friday, September 6th, 2024

Things stolen.

This will be a very vulnerable post for me but I have to update because today feels like a very very big but yet, sad breakthrough.
Maybe porn addicts spouses or sex addict spouses will be able to identify with it more than others but here is the cold hard truth of being married to one.

Our oldest daughters bday was Friday, we were supposed to have a pool party yesterday but the weather forecast wasn't great so instead she asked for a mother/daughter day shopping to make over her room and to find new clothes for school (she just turned 11). My heart immediately sank, what me? Taking her shopping, alone? Leaving her dad to look at porn or to possibly do worse? No way, I was in my mind finding ways to get out of it, to put it on her dad and have him take her... I mean he can't look at that stuff or talk to women while with her right? When I used to leave the house and go places and come home I would find signs he would look at porn, he wasnt goood at hiding it , or he didn't care, no matter how much we had sex.
I fought my emotions and decided that she was more important than the shitty things he put me through and even more important than him. We even drove past a hotel he took his old trashy AP to and I didn't even notice until we were way past it. I was so happy for the first time since his A I didn't notice it, usually I feel sick. Our daughter helped me because we were talking and bonding that I didnt even notice.

I owed this to her, how many years I spent not bonding with her for fear of leaving our house, wondering what he was doing or what he was trying to do... our other kids are little so crib time for them, means fun time for him..
I don't think porn is recognized enough as infidelity here and unfortunately that is the start of it, or at least it was in our case.

I looked at my H today before we left and reminded him that I have lost so much time with our children because I have avoided leaving him "alone" due to being afraid of what he would do when I left. I was vulnerable and told him that he was no longer allowed to take from us every again and if he were to, I would be gone.
How freaking unfair this was to our oldest daughter, the guilt I feel will probably not go away for a long time because she should have came first, I should have found a way to shove the fear down.
He hung his head and was very upset and I know he knows how much he has impacted our lives and not for the better, he promised me he would be cleaning the house and loving on our babies while we were gone.
I THOROUGHLY enjoyed those 4 hours with my daughter and I even got myself three pairs of jeans that I feel so pretty in and some Halloween stuff to sooth my soul.
I came home to a clean house, three other happy babies and all of our groceries delivered put away.
My H also agreed every other week him or I will take our oldest to church , it is hard with littles that don't want to wake up.

He had a vasectomy a few years ago and I told him I feel sorry for him, I feel sorry that he hasn't witnessed a birth of one of his children without his addiction, the love, the happiness, the pure bliss has to be different at that point right? Now that he is changing now that he sees what is important? God, some days I wish I wasn't an empathist, it is such a curse.

I guess my point is, in my opinion

Porn can be just as damaging as infidelity and I consider it cheating. It cheated me out of time with my kids, it cheated my H out of a normal reality without fantasy expectations.

It is forbidden in my home and even though I used to watch it with my H (handful of times) I will never again.
We are about to be up to renew his porn blocker in a few months and he actually reminded me of it, it is pricey but it is well worth the cost in my opinion.

Tonight was a hard night for me because when I came home, I realized we have had 4 children together and every one of their births hes been a porn addict and he has had his head in the sand or up some porn stars ass. |
I explained to him that I feel so sorry for him because he never truly enjoyed, appreciated, or felt what I felt delivering our children. I cried and I cried not for myself but for him, he replied that is something he has to live with and change, and he has the upmost regret for. I asked him if he was working on reframing his mindset those days and he said he was and that our kids are still young enough he can make it right, his eyes were so sad, why couldn't he have changed sooner? WHY DID IT TAKE THIS?

I don't mean to ramble or be depressing, I just am just here to say that I felt robbed a lot of this relationship and today I took that back for the sake of my daughter, for THE FIRST TIME , I didn't care what he did and I put her first.. I should have always did that.

3 comments posted: Sunday, September 1st, 2024

The weight is crushing

I knew I was going to have a bad day yesterday because the date was triggering, my H got a hotel with his AP on that date last year. My H already had a golf session lined up for that day , he asked me if I wanted him to cancel his golf session and come home after work and I told him that I needed him to not come home and let me have my space.
I worked all day, took care of the chores, the kids and heated up leftovers for the kids and went to bed at 730p before my H got home.
Fast forward to the middle of the night, I woke up and it literally felt like someone was sitting on my chest, I couldn't breathe and I woke my H up and i just sobbed and sobbed for an hour. He held me and stayed up with me and we talked and he apologized and he did what he could but my gosh some days the weight of things physically hurt.

I received a text that sparked anxiety from one of my daughters friends moms (her number wasn't saved in my contacts) but the text started out as "I hate to be the one to tell you" immediately my mind went to someone telling me more of things I don't know about my H , clearly still a big worry of mine since now I question who I even married. I am working towards quieting those thoughts and unfortunately I had to stop counseling for a bit and I know I need to get back in.

even though the text wasn't affair related it had to do with my daughter and it was still upsetting and I felt like I failed her as a mom and I cried asking him how he could ever do this to me while they were so young and needed me so much. Some days I really hate him for it, I know it is my job to heal and my job to find a way out of infidelity with him or without him but I struggle so much mentally. I am realizing I am a huge introvert and I have withdrawn from a lot of people minus close friends and family, so much now just seems so fake and not important anymore. The A has opened my eyes and I feel like protecting my peace is more important than making other people that don't matter happy.
I cling to people that are honest, and that make my life a happier place to be and just dropped the ones that take from me mentally but now I feel like I am on an island and disconnected now that social media is gone and I wonder if I need to join a group , I think I need to get back into church.

I am so not looking forward to other dates I know for sure he saw her or even Dday, with the work that he is putting in on changing and the small bits of healing I have done I thought I would be a bit better by now but like you all say it isn't linear. Some days that we are busy and have things to look forward to , I forget for a bit and I am almost happy, then other days I FEEL ALL OF THE FEELINGS and those are my least favorite days. Those are the days that I feel like I am going to be crush under the weight of those feelings and I struggle to even function.

Our oldest daughters bday is on the 30th and he saw her last year two days before her bday and he saw her on our youngest sons bday so i have a few really important dates that now feel tainted to me and I do not want them ruined for my children, it is not their fault , it is all his and he can not undo what he did to us but yet I can't separate the happiness of those dates from the pain yet.

I guess I am just venting because I just do not see an end in sight when it comes to the pain and I don't want to look back in 10 years and feel like the precious time I had with my kids was spent depressed and sad the whole time. I am told on here to let myself feel the feelings and it helps heal but it is literally hell and I feel like im in this deep dark hole and I can't get out. Im sure I am not the only one that feels this way but it is the worst pain I have ever felt.

7 comments posted: Thursday, August 29th, 2024

How your day goes

I’m 10 months out and things have gotten a lot better in some ways. My H is doing all the right things (now). He is the most patient , loving , kind, father and husband I have ever seen. In the back of my mind I can’t help but ask him sometimes " is that because you had your fun and now your back?" Some days I feel so freaking dumb for even sitting here entertaining the idea of taking him back after he slept with someone else for 6 months, that’s a long ass time in my opinion.

I know that I teeter totter on the idea of reconciliation and most days I really think we can make this work, he’s shown so much effort and trust building steps these past 6 months I don’t doubt he truly would do anything to keep us , even if it meant cutting off his own arm.

With that being said , at the end of the night I despise my H, I mean I shut the door and I literally want to be left alone, I am realizing I’m a big introvert and maybe that’s part of it but the other part of me thinks it’s because I just don’t like him. During the day I’m ok to text here and there and sometimes I send him provocative photos or I just ignore him all day because I’m protecting my peace. By the time he gets home and I see his face I just am not I’m the mood for sex as much as I used to be (hysterical bonding slowly coming to and end) We have dinner we talk about our day but sometimes I look at him and think, that’s it . I think You’ve had enough time with him , it’s time to go be alone with the kids or read a book and I do. He never gets mad now , sad , or disappointed, probably but he lets me have my space and he does his thing. I go from loving him so hard to loathing him the next 10 mins and it usually stays that way for the rest of the day. He makes comments like " it’s so hot outside how many 90 degree days are we going to have?"
I want to respond "don’t you remember last August when you were bending her over in the woods, how hot it was!" But I don’t. I have so many come backs (I’m witty) :laugh I just don’t say them anymore , 5 months ago I wouldn’t have hesitated or held back. Now when I say them I see the pain in his face and it leaves me feeling like crap so I think them and move on.

With all that being said, all of you that are reconciling or trying to , what’s an average day look like? How much you time do you get? Family time? Couples time? How do you cope?

I’ve been back to the library and really finding my pasions and I really enjoy that me
Time and I don’t even feel bad about it but sometimes I feel like when he walks in the door I wish he wouldn’t.
Before I found out about his A, I always wanted to know what he was doing , where he was, and I didn’t want him to have fun because I found no value in him as a husband or provider (I told him my logic then) now I just don’t care. Part because I enjoy my peace , part because I feel safer with him because of the changes he’s made, part because I feel it heals me.

What are your thoughts?

10 comments posted: Tuesday, August 27th, 2024

Addictions.

Hi. Most of you here have read my story and know my H was in a band and before that jumped from hobby to hobby and also did recreational drugs while in the A and was addicted to porn.

With that being said he quit the band and he sold all of his music equipment this past week minus his first guitar (sentimental value). I know it wasn’t easy for him but he’s lost passion for music once he realized that he was doing it for all the wrong reasons, through therapy and self reflection he realized that it just wasn’t right for him or for us and he stepped away. He has nowbeen completely obsessed with golf and he goes twice a week and sometimes takes our oldest daughter. I’m a tad worried because it is like he is jumping from one thing to another and has his whole life. He told me golfing he only has to rely on himself and can go alone or go with me and the kids and it’s peaceful and he is good at it. (Which he is). He also has a huge addiction to eating , he overeats and although he isn’t huge he has gained a lot of weight. Is this common for people with the personality of someone who had an A? I’m trying to be supportive of him and his new hobby because I would much rather him do this than be in a bar with girls all over him but he’s just all over the place. He has worked on the people pleasing part of him and he’s came so far , we both have. He claims golfing is the first thing he’s done that he only has to rely on himself and he said it feels good to reach goals by himself . As far as the food I wonder if it’s just a comfort? Coping mechanism? Idk. Maybe I’m reading into it too much?

Any advice is welcome.

9 comments posted: Saturday, August 17th, 2024

Family vacation

Almost 10 months from dday and we are taking our first vacation to one of the prettiest lakes in the US. I am praying, hoping , prepping to have the a great time. Our kids are so excited and I’ve had more good days than bad days the past month. With dday approaching I pray that the the work we’ve done will come into play. We reclaimed few things the past month , one being we saw a movie and had dinner during his A so we re enacted that and went to the same theater and the same restaraunt ON HIS BIKE that he took her on and it was a great day. We reclaimed a few areas and I’m starting to charge my battery for my camera to take the most beautiful pictures of my kids on vacation. I stopped taking photos when he had his A , I actually had my first paying gig then but it hurt too bad to continue. I won’t let their horrible decisions steal my love for photography , it’s been almost a year since I picked up my camera … my kids deserve memories , they deserve a vacation away from this mess , they deserve it more than anyone we are actually taking my mom too as extra help so my H and I can sneak away to rekindle.

Next month I’ll be booking our vacation back to Atlantic City for the following summer , he was having his A then last year too so I’m trying to book the same Airbnb and around the same time , I’m trying to reclaim as much as I can from him and that dirty B.

My H and i both have worked on boundaries and we’ve done so much work on ourselves we both are exhausted. We have reconnected and have been so vulnerable that it hurts sometimes and I still have have some really really dark moments, I hope one day I’ll move past what he did but I’m not there yet. My goal is to continue to heal and eventually learn to forgive, for myslelf. I know that I have you all if I end up spiraling or just need a way to vent. I’ll forever be thankful that I found you all.

15 comments posted: Thursday, August 8th, 2024

Healing yourself

Here I am 9 months past d day and it took me this long to realize what this meant.

Holy hell what a roller coaster so far, I’ve wanted to vomit every second.

I’ve relied on my H for so many months to "say the right things" and he just can’t. It doesn’t matter what he says it doesn’t heal. He could say he hates her and what he did and guess what ? Nothing freaking changes. I laid in bed with him last week crying like i normally do and I asked him to tell me he hated his self and what he did and he said he hated himself. I asked him"how can you hate yourself and love me at the same time?" He said " I hate who I was but I love who I’m becoming." I realized then I have so much work to do on me while he is working on himself. He is working hard at being a better dad and H. God I see it.

I started really journaling, making my own goals, starting my own story and I feel better. I’m not whole , I’m still very broken but I’m working on ME. I ordered a book called "healing a child within" I have yet to start it because I’m afraid. I know I’ll have to face a reality I avoided for a long time but I’m almost ready. In my life my childhood was great but it was far from that.

I’ve never been vulnerable and I took a shower this week and screamed out to my H because a song came on our Bluetooth that brought me to my knees and I couldn’t stop crying. He came down to the floor with me and held me while I just sobbed. Music means so much to me now and so little to him.

Our dday was Oct 6 and the song is by highly suspect and it’s called "the 8th of October" and if you’re a music person you’ll get it. I couldn’t get off my knees for 15 minutes.

Only me can heal me and I ask you all for your prayers , happy thoughts, good vibes, while I do this. If I disappear for a bit I just need yall to think of me while I fight this uphill battle full
Of emotion and tears. This will be the hardest thing for me to do.

6 comments posted: Monday, July 29th, 2024

No fairy tale

My H brother got engaged today.

I am and have been really good friends with his now fiancé. She was a singer in my H first band and we even got matching foot tatttos.

Her relationship with my brother in law has always been rocky , she can’t hold a job, very immature, materialistic, dreamer all of that.

Now where it gets hard for my H and I is she was married to his old best friend. We all went on vacation together, hung out. She had an exit affair with my brother in law. My H lost his best friend because he just couldn’t accept it and can’t be around him bc of course she would be around. He’s never been able to forgive them I think deep down because he knew his best friend since college.

I always thought it was crappy but it didn’t affect me as bad and now I feel derailed. My H and I just had a great day full of bike rides lunch and a movie kid free. She sent me the photos and now I feel like the train derailed, I feel I can’t truly be happy for her because

A. She basically told me a week ago she was considering leaving him

B. Their relationship started as an affair

C. I don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to even watch a love movie , let alone talk about a wedding

Fairy tales aren’t real and I mean this really not to be mean but I watched her say vows at her first wedding and she broke those, now I have to watch it again?

I am all kinds of twisted up.

I know my H will be his best man and she will most likely ask me to be in it too and I am

Dreading it , neither of us are ready for this shit show.

I have a bad feeling about them getting married because once you go through something like this you see all the flaws not only in your relationship but others , they are a mess. Neither really seem happy at all.

She told me that her issues with him these past 6 months was because of the stress my H affair had on them and that is the day I never talked to her about them again.

I didn’t want her to be able to blame me for their issues. Then 3 months later because of "not listening to our crap they are happier than ever"

That’s how I think she sees it.

Now I feel like if I step back and am not overly joyed for her she will think "she’s not happy so she doesn’t want to be happy for me"

I’m all over the place , maybe I am jealous? I know I shouldn’t be but I’m hurting.

5 comments posted: Sunday, July 21st, 2024

Questioning entire past

Hi, I know that it is common for us to question our future after infidelity and I know that it is common to even question our present but how common is it to completely dig threw your past trying to find something else that seemed off that could have been a different affair?

My H TT me for quite a while after Dday and now I just feel like there could be different cheatings (before we were married) or other APS.

I don't have any proof or anything other than knowing that the past ten years we have been together he has had shitty boundaries and was addicted to porn. He would be over friendly with women even in front of me but he swears that nothing ever happened.

I don't know if it is my lizard brain trying to keep me safe because lately we have had better days. I explained to him last night that the idea of starting to heal and then something new coming out would literally kill me. Some days in my brain it is better to stay hurt because if I stay hurt then if something else comes out I won't fall too far down.

He understood that and promised me that he wouldn't ever build our new marriage on a foundation of lies but at this point the TT literally destroyed a lot of me. He explained that the past 10 years he has fought the urge to act out on anything by using porn then it became an addiction, then after his AP took the bait and fed his ego his shitty boundaries just went away.

I question my past more than I question my future, it is like I am terrified to move forward so I stay in this crappy feeling.

I know as a BS we will never have all of the pieces of the A but this feeling is different, this is because he was able to lie about this he could lie about so much more.

Does the feeling pass over time?

I have this underlying fear in 10 years we will be reconciled and happy and then the other shoe will drop and I will find out he has a kid somewhere from in his 20s or I will get a message from a former AP.... I just don't get it.

I am questioning so many red flags I ignored over the years of his crappy boundaries and his complete selfishness and in my mind I painted a husband that was amazing and I never really truly saw him for his broken self. Now I am questioning who he really was. I went through his phone, his email but at this point if there is anything from that long ago it is gone now.

31 comments posted: Saturday, July 20th, 2024

Feel sorry for WS

I don’t really know how to word it or make it come across with as much emotion as it deserves but.

I feel sorry for my H. Not for the decisions he made , not because he CHOSE to betray his four children and I but it’s because something different.

It is because for the first time in his life he is deciding to do the work , he has put all of his selfish hobbies behind him, he’s chosen to start golfing which two of my kids consistently do with him. My 2 year old wakes up, immediately goes to the garage , grabs a club , a ball, and plays the entire day. ( the next tiger woods?) minus the cheating of course because I would shove my foot up his ass. My 10 year old goes with him and gets balls out of the pond, they come home and they wash them and google them to see what they are worth. Some are $13 balls ! They are bonding for probably the first time , ever. He didn’t want her when she was born , he didn’t want the responsibility or the finances , he wanted to play the field and chase his dream and become a rockstar. See how far that got him. We barely get by some weeks.

No. I feel sorry for him because for the first time since quitting the porn he is really understanding what love is , what it’s like to really love your children (I still don’t get that part) the look in his eyes is different , he doesn’t see though is anymore.

It could all be gone tomorrow if I chose to walk.

I am angry but more sad today. I’m sad because he could have fixed this so long ago before we hit rock bottom , before my special needs child was jeopardized (non verbal, always will live at home). I just see him differently with our kids but with that being said I see him for the first time exactly like he was the last 10 years. A monster.

I listen to a playlist on Apple Music called "devil in disguise" and I could send my H every song bc they all remind me of him.

I will never feel sorry for him for what he did and decisions he made. I feel sorry for what he could still lose. He could lose so much and for the first time he sees it. I feel a lot of weight on my shoulders (hear me out I know it’s not my fault) I know it will take years to ever reconcile and move forward and we did nothing to deserve any of it, I still feel so bad. I’m such in my feelings today I just wanted to pour them out here where it is safe.

My H is still onsite at the job close to where he had his A. I asked him to give me space today to sort through all these feelings and we haven’t talked much today other than him telling me he loved me. I asked him to let me be in my own head. I need to sit in the feeling , I haven’t stopped dreaming - having nightmares since his disclosure. Usually his AP is in them. I wonder if my body is trying really hard to process this poison out. I sure hope so.

I offered to watch a close friends son for a few hours last minute so she could do a work meeting. I wish I wouldn’t have. I really feel like I have nothing to give today, thankful my 10 year old is a superstar and is entertaining him (siblings of special needs kids are a different breed , she is so amazing)

Thanks for listening

ETA

Life doesn’t get better than this life with these kids. I feel sorry for anyone who would ever think differently. A humble home, 4 beautiful children , a beautiful loving wife (at least I think so) such a freaking loss, I can just see his future of being broke and miserable now wishing he had us.

12 comments posted: Friday, July 19th, 2024

Here it is.

Hi friends.
For those of you who read and responded to my post about my H having to do work near where he saw AP, I truly appreciate all of your advice and nice words.
He is actually on his way there now to do the sight survey.
I forgot it was this week so it was brought back up on Saturday to remind me where he would be.

We had a long talk this weekend on things he would do to help me feel safe, although I have came to the conclusion that I also have to remind myself the A is not going on, and I am not in danger, and I have to remember all of the things he has told me and has shown me on how much he absolutely hates what he did.

It has helped tremendously to see my H be vulnerable this past weekend, he cried on Saturday after our friends left (his old boss and his family) and he just was so upset and said he can't believe what he jeopardized and we had a really good night after that. I went for a walk while he was facing his own issues because I wasn't emotionally able to really be there for him so when I got back we got in the pool together, stayed up too late, and really just talked about what he did and who he is now, and what we want moving forward.

As for helping me today, we decided that he would face time if/when I needed it, he would avoid the areas he saw AP, he would call me on lunch, and he would work as fast and hard as he can to get the job done in a few days. If for some reason he ran into her he would call me immediately (probably not possible as the AP doesn't work in that city)

I will admit, I am not spiraling as bad as I thought I would have and MAYBE that is because of the work that we put into it these past few days, preparing mentally , and emotionally , and work has kept me very busy this morning.

I don't know what tonight brings, or even the next few days because like you all know our feelings change so fast during this period of time.

He sent me a selfie in his work truck (he has three other guys that work with him there) so that was probably embarrassing for him since he isn't a selfie guy. He told me he loved me and he would do whatever it took these next few days and I really really hope that I can power through it and maybe start to somewhat take back that area, through him , if that makes sense, then next will be me and then us together.

I can't control his thoughts, or his reminders, I can't control the outcome, I can't control anything other than how I feel, and my decisions, and the more I learn that , the more I let go, just a little.

I know as I watch him get closer through our shared app to the location he is working I will feel sick, i know I will start to really start falling into that dark hole but I hope I can pull myself out without needing to hear the same shit i ask him all of the time, I need to get out of this cycle on my own.

Today I am just a little bit hopeful that this is a step in the right direction for my healing. Thank you all for the advice and just for listening to me.

6 comments posted: Tuesday, July 16th, 2024

triggers and not getting defensive

Hi there again!

My H and and I had such a good day yesterday. Our youngest turned 4 years old and we took her out for her bday and then of course today I spiraled. I needed to not forget what he did.

I asked him once again what he triggers were.

He told me the same shit then added the "color purple"

When I asked him what he meant he said she always had her nails a dark purple. THIS IS NEW. I LOVE HALLOWEEN and so of course so does her stalker ass.

He said he didn't really think it was important but he told me that she liked that color.

He went golfing with my oldest daughter but I am so upset right now with our youngest kids at home.

I told him i would never avoid that color because, well fuck her.

He said he was just answering my question honestly and now i want to either avoid that color or get my nails done in that color this weekend, bc once again F her.

How am I supposed to cope with his answers?

I want them but then cant handle them? The more i ask the more i get hurt.

ETA: why did he pay attention to her favorite colors and nails and never did mine?! The F. WHY DID THIS STICK!?

25 comments posted: Saturday, July 13th, 2024

Make it stop.

I know I ask the same thing in different ways and maybe this is one of them (trauma is fun).
I’m sorry

My H and I had a conversation tonight on what he found so great about his AP. I was always willing to have sex, dressed up, spontaneous, etc. he was honest which I have to appreciate and he told me that it was because she was "slutty" porn like, new, blah blah. I just fell apart. He said she would chime in at his old job and talk about liking to f*** , yeah me too? But she had been crushing on my H for years so of course she would try to fit in and tell him all the things he liked. He’s so dumb. She stalked his fb and mine and at one point he said "she’s so much like you" tf she ain’t

Anyways I’m upset because he said he treated her like a porn star and she seemed to like it. He never made "love" to her. He never talked about our marriage , me , or our kids BUT at the same
Time when they were done doing the deed he would lay with her for a few minutes , text her he loved her , defend her on d day and give her his time and money in gas. He told me it was because he got something, he got his ego filled , there was nothing special other than she was trashy and talked like a whore. (All the things I did in the bedroom) why wasn’t I enough!? Why did he go ten pegs down, why did he "pretend"
To care about her if he just wanted to F her and leave. Why did he not think about me and the kids?

He cried tonight and told me he wasn’t proud but he wouldn’t lie to me and I have to respect it but fuck does it slice me in pieces. I keep asking the same stupid questions and I’m not getting what I want or need but I don’t know what it is? I could easily talk about sucking some D and get many guys attention , why wasn’t this enough? He tells me it was "new". wtf is that?! I mean yes I get the butterflies and stuff but we took vows , we have four children, we have sex like rabbits…

I just want to make sure he wasn’t emotionally involved and he swears he wasn’t but how do I really know? He told her he missed her, he loved her , he spent precious money for gas, for food. What makes these wheels stop turning? I know time is one, I’m wondering if maybe I’m just one of those that can’t forgive?
He tells me the truth even when it hurts, he doesn’t hold back, it’s what I ask and then I can’t handle it and compare myself to some bull shit. Wash , rinse and repeat. Someone make it stop.

Side note. I have a lot to work on individually. I have self worth issues I never knew I had. I find my worth in sex because that’s all he’s ever cared about being a porn addict and I lost myself years ago.

I know how he feels now. What the hell did he feel then?!

He swears he did them to keep her on the line but that seems far fetched…. Maybe ? I just can’t grasp it.

Why , why , why? Just make it go away.

20 comments posted: Thursday, July 4th, 2024

Things you did to feel safe.

Hello, I wanted to start a thread of things that we did to make ourselves feel safe after the affair.

We are all in the same boats and we know better than anybody that infidelity changes our Future, but also it changes our past and even our present. We question our gut, we question our heart, we question our sanity, and we even question our life choices. So I will start.

When I found out that my husband had his affair, I probably laid in bed for three months after working. I would gaze out the window I would lay on the floor. I would sit against the wall, and I would just stare off into space, most of my life my favorite colors were black and pink. my room had the blackout curtains, My bedspread was gray and most everything in my room was dark. (Guess it’s the rock and roll part of me)

One day I decided that green like a very mint green made me feel safe. It made me feel good. I got on Amazon and I redid our entire room in mint green. I got a lot of scripture and I got a few photos of positive quotes. I did the same thing to the bathroom. These two places I spent most of my time so I needed it to not feel as dark as my heart did.

I have stared at the photo on my wall more than I would like to admit.

"Do small things with great love"

Some days it helps, other days I want to burn it.

I lightened our dining room and living room. I let more light in and I use brighter decor.

I bought candles and a nighttime humidifier, when I start to spiral I use one or both to help me keep calm. I watch the himidifier change colors or the flame flicker. When those are on my H usually knows that I’m in my safe space and he isn’t welcome.

I also started an outline for a book I want to write about this whole hell I’m going through. My H knows it’s a bad night when I’m writing , my best work comes when I’m hurting but it also helps heal me. He usually keeps his distance because nothing he says these nights will help.

I go to the gym a lot when I’m feeling angry when I’m feeling lost and when I’m feeling like I just can’t be around anybody. I plug my headphones in and I jam away to my Favorite Songs or I catch up on church sessions or shows.

Clearly yall have seen me post enough to know I have a fear of being afraid. Not of ghosts, spiders , or the normal fears but of being abandoned , VULNERABLE, being alone , and being hurt. I have to try extra hard to feel safe because I’ve always been the strong one, now my walls have been torn down and I’m struggling.

What are some things you all have did to feel safe?

11 comments posted: Friday, June 28th, 2024

Help with this I feel unsafe

My H came home tonight and was honest with me on where one of his upcoming jobs would be in a few weeks.
He will be 5 minutes from where his affair took place.

I can’t do this.
He can’t just say "I can’t go there I had an affair in the area."

I am working on this in IC but I can’t avoid this and it will last a week. I don’t want to spiral. Someone give me some advice. Maybe learned in Ic? I immediately feel unsafe and I feel sick. I know it’s unrealistic but I’m so afraid of how bad I will spiral.

29 comments posted: Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

Can’t escape memories

Some days are so nice.
But more days are hell.

He has done nothing but try to be a better husband and dad. I walked in from laying by the pool and he was building our special needs child’s bed (she’s about to be 8, still 32 lbs!) so cute!

I loved it. He also let my niece who has a shit dad help build the bed and teach her to use a screwdriver. He did this on his own and because he wanted to really start changing and put us first. I melted.

Fast forward an hour later all I could do is imagine her with him. Imagine all the times he watched her nasty naked ass do whatever it is she did. He had sex with her every single time knowing it would kill our marriage , he did it and didn’t think twice about us…. He did mental gymnastics to make us not matter. His flesh and blood.

He quit the porn, quit his job, got in counseling, told his family , told our oldest daughter , what more could I expect? I want to know HOW he could do this , he can’t tell me. He just said he was out of his mind, he was depressed, he was insecure, he was a porn addict , he had issues , yes I know that. But he struggles with how he was able to hurt me , he says it was a double life and he would turn his brain off and on when it seemed appropriate depending on who he was with.

I don’t get it !

How does someone for 6 months live a double life? He tries to sit down and explain it to me and I can’t grasp the HOW , how can he hurt me like this? How do I let my pride down? I just can’t relate to being able to do something so horrible to someone else.
I feel like I’m nothing… I feel like he doesn’t deserve to be here. He deserbes her , not me. I deserve better and this isn’t who I am.

Do I think he is changing? Yes
Do I think he would do again ? No.
Is he remorseful? Finally he’ll freaking yes.
Does he love me? He’s starting to now that the porn and other shit has been out of his life he’s like a reborn person
Does any of that matter to me ? Not really.

He should have fixed himself before he put me through hell.

Maybe I’m prideful? Maybe I’m stubborn?
My dad was in the icu for a week too so maybe that contributed to my I don’t give a shit mentality.

I don’t want to see my dad or anyone really bc h have no emotions to give, they are wasted on getting my ass out of bed for work and for my kids. I hate him for taking time away from my family , my dad is 63 and not in great shape. I just feel like he’s ruined my life , my past , and my future. Nothing is real, nothing is true, nothing is going to come and magically heal us. Nothing will make me see him in a good light.

Not sure what I’m asking per usual. Just my normal blahdy blah blah trauma dump.

14 comments posted: Saturday, June 22nd, 2024

Things I miss.

Since finding out about his affair , there are so many things I miss.

1. Being able to lay in bed and watch a movie carefree and fall asleep.
2. Ride on the back of his bike without getting flashes of her on the back holding on to him, looking at the back of the head that fathered four of my kids.
3. Laying in the sun and being completely carefree, now sometimes I wonder how many times they f***** under the same sun.
4. Not being able to drive past the woods and seeing a car parked making a joke the people are probably making love. Now I have to fight back vomit.
5. Eating at one of my favorite restaurants because he took her there, every. Freaking. Time.
6. Getting a full nights sleep without nightmares of him screwing everyone and anyone.
7. Listening to the music that I loved , now none of it is safe, how much did he share with her?
8. Looking at my kids thinking they are the best thing that happened to US , they weren’t for him, only for me.
9. Worrying about how I look all the time? Fuck the secret competition
10. Not having to drink to get through my day
11. Seeing my friends every day, now I avoid them like the plague because emotionally i have NOTHING to give.
12. Loving the house we threw $50k in to make a home four our babies.
13. Looking at memories of my phone of the kids last summer , there all hidden.
14. Not having to worry about strapping my special needs child in the back of the car (he always did) now I can’t have him even sit in the back seat because his A happened mostly in the car.
15. Going to one of my fav restaraunts bc it is the side of town she lives on.
16. Being able to hear her name and not want to throat punch people.
17. Looking at pics of our wedding , because it as so fucking perfect- minus him.
18. Not wanting to crawl out of my own effing skin.

Thanks for listening. I’m sure yall have your own list. what do you miss?

22 comments posted: Monday, June 10th, 2024

Song lyrics.

Yesterday I asked my husband to use his phone to take videos of the kids (my phone was connected to our speaker outside). I decided when I was done I would go and look at his photos during the time of the A and see if he deleted everything as I asked. I didn’t see anything that stood out but I did see a photo of a handwritten lyrics…. In his handwriting. My H is a musician and when I read these lyrics my heart sank to the bottom of my feet bc they were love lyrics and I know it wasn’t about me.
I stormed inside where my H was finishing up his work report and asked him what the hell it was. At first he said it was just a song, then said it was about me and then after seeing my face told me he did write it about her but he had forgotten about it or he would have deleted it.
I was so mad that he lied and I lost it. He told me that he was sorry and that when I came raging in he felt like a child backed in the corner and he got anxiety and he resorted back to his old ways.

These words are words he never wrote to me and they were deep. Talking about saving her and paradise and blah blah trashy blah.

My D came up the stairs and he finally told her while crying what he did in an age appropriate way and she cried. We told her we loved her and that nothing was her fault and we were both trying to heal/change , she seemed to be happy we told her bc things made more sense to her after that.

I was up all night we cried all night and I didn’t go to work today.
The lyrics were written a few days before I caught him and after she was dropping him. He swore they meant nothing and that it was just another thing he had to do to keep her coming back. Lyrics speak to me and instruments speak to him so this really really really hurt me deep. He cried again this morning promising me he hated that he wrote it and doesn’t even remember what it said because she meant nothing to him but he needed her coming back for his high.

I have never seen any communication between them , I know a lot of people here have and now I can’t unsee it. I feel like d day is all over again. I feel like you vent write that to someone and not love them… he lied to me out of fear of hurting me , I see that but he still lied. Do I think he forgot it was there? Yes but that doesn’t make anything better. I told him if he doesn’t figure out the lying (which he’s in IC for I’m gone).
He has came a long way and and he’s told me the truth about a lot of other stuff but then he lied… I can’t keep getting hurt or I will never heal.

I called off work and I feel like my mental health is in the trash.
People that have read words between their ws qnw AP how the hell do you recover?
I feel so damn sick that I want to go back to bed and stay there all day.

20 comments posted: Thursday, June 6th, 2024

Did you ever think it’s a deal breaker

For those of you who reconciled how many times did you go back and forth thinking that this could be a deal breaker? Every few weeks I think , this is it. Theres nothing he can do to make this right.

I am the breadwinner, I supported his bands, his dreams, his effed up childhood.

He watched me bring four of HIS freaking kids into this world and still thought it was a good idea to sleep with some nasty trashy, broke ass, no hair loser?

I would love to hear YOUR stories. Your struggles.

The zoo effed me up.

21 comments posted: Wednesday, June 5th, 2024

Thought I could handle it.

My special needs daughter participates in a program that gives back to the families and specifically siblings of the special needs children (medical stays, having to grow up early, not living a normal life).
Anyways, last year in the middle of the affair we went to her first event. It was at a zoo and I had a blast, my kids had a blast and my H acted like he didn’t want to really be there or mostly checked out. Complained about the drive , too hot , kids too ornery , etc. this year they did the event again and I told my H how important it was for me that he really is involved and patient with the kids since last year hurt me.

The biggest issue is the zoo is in the city and (3 miles down the street from where he would always have sex with AP). When we hit the city I l felt physically sick and I dry heaved (quietly) a few times. My kids didn’t notice but I was literally shaking , I couldn’t breathe and it was awful. We made it through the trip with my H doing everything I asked him and when I asked him how he felt about being so close to there, he looked sick.

He told me he didn’t want to go because for him it also makes him feel sick and he gets anxiety and it floods him with memories he doesn’t wan but he went for the kids and I , we agreed to keep it happy and I pretended to love every second of it. I freaking hated it. The park was only open to the special
Needs kiddos and families there was so much for them to do and I felt so mentally checked out. Like I was disassociating to an extent because I couldn’t physically handle it.
I feel like I failed once again.

After dropping my oldest off at her aunts for a sleepover I cried the whole way home and I’m so emotionally spent and sad I didn’t even yell at my H. What is there to say , that I haven’t said? I tried to practice all the breathing exercises and finally said eff if, I felt in danger and so unsafe for hours and man my body hates me now.

We came home and my H offered next time to go to a zoo an hour away if I wanted to go again because I don’t think I can go back that way for a long freaking time.
He lit my candle and left me in the room to be alone with my thoughts which he’s learning is my new ritual when I’m spiraling. He sat on the bed for a long while just staring off, he knows he did this and there is nothing he can do to help me through this anymore , he’s terrified of losing us and he should be. I feel I’m too traumatized right now to even think rationally , maybe I should have just skipped this year and not went

He ruined so many things for me and him and his u*** a** AP should have the karma bus run over both of them. (I’m glad I didn’t talk to him tonight) I would spit venom.

I just ordered the body keeps the score in hopes it helps.

I’m not asking anything just venting and I think the hardest part of all of this has been locations and triggers. Some have faded over time , my H can now close doors in the house without me
Crying, I can shower without flooding, I can even hear her name (sometimes) only at work though.

I don’t know. Infidelity should be a crime here in the US and I told my H the same thing and he didn’t even pause , he fully agreed.

I wonder how it feels to watch someone completely fall apart at your feet? To know that you carry that kind of power to destroy someone…

That is a hell he has to carry forever.

6 comments posted: Friday, May 31st, 2024

Not sure how I feel

IC is getting harder for me…

I don’t really know how to explain it so I’ll kind of sum it up? I had to bring up a lot of issues I had as a child with my family dynamic because I know it’s important to my healing but I also feel like now I’m being asked to accept my responsibility for things in my H affair. Maybe not so much accepting it’s my fault but more so straying away from what HE did. I know it’s called IC for a reason but I ALMOST feel like the more I start to heal the more I feel blamed for what happened. I brought up my daughter knowing about the A and that she mentions songs , my drinking, my crying and my counselor said that although he had the A it’s nice I’m taking responsibility for my actions that impacted her…..MY ACTIONS. They were my reactions to a shitty freaking hand I was dealt and if he wouldn’t have had the A then we wouldn’t be here to begin with and she agreed.
I literally prayed to die the first few months.

Maybe I’m afraid to look within? Maybe I’m afraid to talk about my childhood? Maybe I’m afraid of EMDR. I don’t know but todays session has me locked in the room feeling like garbage.

Everytime I bring up good things my H does and good things we do she praises him (and me) then I shut down.(shouldn’t I be happy for the progrsss we’ve made?) no. I don’t want him to be praised , I wouldn’t BE THERE if he would have did the right thing from the freaking beginning. I wonder if I’m fighting healing? I’m so freaking afraid of letting go of what he did because he doesn’t deserve it. Not yet.

My H asked if I brought up my meltdown on my brother and dad this past weekend and I’m really bothered he asked me that. Yes I went off and had a full blown meltdown because my brother is mentally abusing his kids and wife like my dad did us l, I pushed him and kicked him out of my house.
How does that affect your decision to cheat?! It doesn’t. Why do I feel like I’m being targeted and he’s off the hook?

Has anyone felt like they went to IC and maybe faced challenges within similar? I’m struggling to identity how I feel.

Sorry if that doesn’t make sense.

17 comments posted: Thursday, May 30th, 2024

Is she too young? Please help.

My 10 year old daughter stayed with my mom this weekend and I guess my daughter told my mom that I couldn’t listen to certain songs and asked why. So she asked me what she should say to her.
A few songs being my from my H former band (his Ap was at one of his shows and wore his shirt ) so I can’t listen to his songs anymore.
I also can’t listen to cruel summer by t Swift (one of her favorite somgs) for obvious reasons) he was cruel and it was summer. I don’t want to traumatize my daughter, please give me advice on an age appropriate way to tell her that her dad fucked up. I should have just listened to the songs and said eff my feelings but I spiraled , I should have been stronger for her. I hate that I can’t be stronger for her.

10 comments posted: Sunday, May 26th, 2024

I’m in the sun!

I just wanted to post and wish everyone a happy and relaxing pain free (if possible) weekend

H sat the pool up and I thought it would trigger me but oddly it didn’t.
I’m lounging in my lawn chair watching my 2 and 3 year old enjoy the weather and water while I soak up the SUN listening to my happy playlist. I’ve missed it so much.
Today he won’t ruin me.

I’ll take the wins when I can.

3 comments posted: Sunday, May 26th, 2024

Why do I ask?

Must be another dreadful Monday.
I started getting anxiety attacks and my heart was racing thinking "I have to know the answer to this question".

The moment my daughter went to her room I asked him on average how many times he slept with her when he saw her. He answered me and said usually only once. I told him immediately I felt nauseous. He said "what was important to you about that?" didn’t have an answer other than "I can lay that to rest now if you didn’t do it , I wouldn’t have to be here asking"

I blocked that question this whole time because I don’t think I wanted to know the answer but it was gnawing at me until I just spit it out.
Of course he slept with her more than once on ocassions, why does it matter? Because my pride is hurt , I feel like I’m nothing so why keep asking? I guess to keep myself in the dirt.

He said he understood my need to know it and I told him to leave me alone. He’s out skateboarding with our daughter and I’m in the bathroom on the verge of throwing up.

What questions did you all not want to know and how did you tell yourself they weren’t important?
I know how many times they had sex will only huet me and will not lead me down the path of healing.
Gosh damn stupid brain.

39 comments posted: Saturday, May 25th, 2024

Asked my embarrassing questions

It’s me hi. The problem is me.

Seriously. Thank you to my second family for being brave enough and loving enough to tell me all the things I never knew I needed. I came here blind, scared and literally on my death bed. I have four kids that deserve more than the mom and dad they are getting.

I asked my h some of the most embarrassing questions I needed to know from his A. (Tequila helped). I even asked how she cleaned up after finishing. My h carried a towel in his truck of my youngest daughters favorite movie (toy story) and I put it on the shelf after washing thinking she used it. He answered me and it wasn’t it. When I was honest and told him WHY it was importnant , he understood why I asked.

We both cried upon his answers after me dry heaving

His answers were so raw and hurtful I know he didn’t make them up. I’m hurting and happy at the same time we both cried, fucking infidelity sucks big balls.

But fuck even at 7 months remorse is still increasing: I hate the roller coaster , I want to get off.

. Stupid me for thinking 2 months in he cared (he didn’t ). I should have listened to you all.

I bet at 1 year it will even be more.

Thank you to all my now called friends that lead me down the path I didn’t know I needed to travel and I sure didn’t want want to effing travel.

I hope to one day help people like you’ve all helped me. I pray that we R but if not, I know I have you all.

Sisoon. Ink. Marine. Hiking out. Sacred. You are angels. Among many others. Thank you for always speaking your mind.

I am hurting so bad tonight but I’m happy. I’m happy he threw them both under the bus to help me.

(He also had counseling tonight) so I think that helped.

I hope I’m on the road to healing.

I know I’ll be back again so much to drive yall nuts and ask for advice :) so don’t think you’re rid of me.

Side note.

Baby groot now hangs from my rear view mirror and I think of this place and you all every time I go anywhere.

I pray for us all to have a little peace on our hellacious journey.

- I am groot ❤️

21 comments posted: Friday, May 24th, 2024

I couldn’t put my finger on it

I woke up thinking today would be a "good" day. I had planned to take my youngest to church and to dinner and just make my soul happy again.

As the day went on I became increasingly anxious and sad. I mean my goal was to end the night with a movie with my H and maybe cuddles with the babies.

Work was good. I cleaned , got laundry caught up , even delivered some thank you letters.

3pm hits and I spiral. I freaking lose it.

I cry because I’m confused , nothing went wrong today! Then it hits me , I was ok the last few days because it was raining and dreary. I used to have seasonal depression but ever since my H affair summer is my least favorite season , where the hell is fall and winter! My H had his affair mostly outside in the woods under the beautiful sky and sun and I freaking hate it now.

So where am I? At the gym , without my child working out trying not to cry and I’m going to church alone.

I can’t wait for the sun to go the fuck down.

12 comments posted: Friday, May 17th, 2024

WS and people pleasing

My H has discovered through his IC and looking inward that he built up a a lot of resentment towards people because he always felt like he had to do things he didn't' want to do or help where he didnt want to help.

I will try to explain.
I always raved about how my H never said no, I would send him to the store three times a day because we needed things, belittle him because I made more money so he had to do all of the errands (not proud). My dad would come over three times a week and he would entertain him for hours even when he was tired, my H dad called on him every weekend to help landscape, work on a barn that was falling apart, or other random things. My H never said no. Even my family told me that I was bossy and mean , which in my mind he deserved bc he wasn't helping financially and chasing dreams that didn't align with our family's needs.

After a while the resentment built and built and unfortunately he handled it all very wrong, instead of telling us how he felt since he wasn't good at communicating he decided to seek an escape through an A. He was wanted but not needed, he didnt have to do anything but give sex and stupid compliments, Which he realizes was a horrible way to handle his pain (now). It also made him not have a conscience, I think in his brain he was "owed" this affair, in his fog he actually used the words "I had my fun now I am back" Almost like I was his mom and not his wife, we both lost sight of each other and we are working on it. The conscience piece really bothers me, he has done some pretty horrible things in his life without feeling guilty, me on the other hand I can't lie to save my life. Clearly I am not perfect but I have a really good conscience.

My question comes in because of this resentment he harbored for so long towards me and others he is getting better at saying no and while i am proud of him, it is hard. We are going to try to R and he is taking time to relax, do things he wants to do and telling people no but I almost feel like he is withdrawing from people.... he tells me " I don't want to be a people pleaser anymore" He has a day date planned with his brother this weekend so they can try to rekindle and fix their relationship, which was hard for me for him to do anything since his A. This will be the first time he will be out in 7 months without me , minus dinner with friends which was only an hour. He is golfing with his brother for 3 hours. My H and his brother need to reconnect for my H to heal too, I know a lot of his issues stem from working at a young age and not really enjoying life with his family.His brother knows of the A and loves us both and I know its a safe space for my H to be BUT he had his "fun" last summer he shouldn't get any this summer. (I sound horrible I know)

It is so hard to find a balance when we are both trying to heal from our own childhood issues that are SO different (I have issues being vulnerable) on top of that we have the A issues, his IC gives him things to do and mine gives me things and they don't always align. I am not really in a place where I can be understanding yet, I try but it is the hardest thing I have ever done is give him understanding and compassion when I can barely get through my day. EVEN though it makes sense and I know he has a path to walk to heal, I don't think I am ready for him to walk it if it affect my mental health. I know part of OUR healing his that he has to heal too.

So for those of you WS or BS that has ever been a people pleaser or married to one can you tell a little of your story and your healing process together? Where was the balance?

6 comments posted: Wednesday, May 15th, 2024

Deleted last photo

Today I got tired of tormenting myself.
I went through all the messages in my phone trying to make sure I had wished everyone I was close to, a hqppy Mother’s Day. I got to the bottom of my threads and saw the message I sent from my H phone to myself on dday, it was the photo he took of them as they were laying in her bed. She was covered up with a blanket asleep and he didn’t have his shirt on. I have it etched in my memory so deep that I don’t think I will ever forget it. Instead of clicking on it and pain shopping I deleted it and told myself I would be ok without it.
It was the last bit of the affair I had left. I deleted the dates he saw her, he got rid of the bank account he used to see her, the texts were never found , they were long gone and I don’t want to see them anyways. I have nothing to pain shop with, to make myself feel something.

I feel sad , I feel sad because the further I get away from the pain the more I get afraid. I don’t even know if that makes sense? I’m so afraid of not feeling anything , of letting go , I feel powerless in a sense , like I’m giving it back to him. I know it’s probably normal for us here but I’m afraid.

H and I had a great time last night for my bday / Mother’s Day. The dinner was amazing and the concert, he held me the whole time and really seemed to enjoy my company and put me first (which isn’t like him since music is his life). Things are changing , he’s getting better, he’s growing , he’s learning, he’s becoming an amazing partner, a better dad. Letting go of the affair makes me feel like I will lose leverage. Maybe I’m afraid that I’m so broken that I am not good enough? Letting go seems harder than hanging on to what he did , does anyone else relate? Am I afraid of healing? Afraid of facing my own demons? I didn’t bring up his A until we were in the car heading home and then he immediately apologized and played songs that made him think of me (music is our love labguage). I came home lit some candles and fell asleep , peacefully and happy and I hate that I did because ummm hey my H had an affair. I should be upset.
I had to cancel counseling this week due to funds, wish I didn’t.

By the way happy mother day to all the mommas here!

15 comments posted: Tuesday, May 14th, 2024

Medium

So, I have an off the wall question.
My BIL went to see a psychic medium due to his own personal issues and closure with some deaths in his family.
While he was there he brought up my H and the lady told him that my H had issues with communication and he shuts down when people talk to him and it will really hurt him in his future.

I am floored.

I am floored because we didn't ask him to bring us up and we are fairly religious and the idea of going to someone to predict the future or anything like that isn't something I am interested in, at least not right now.
He said " I was going to bring you up and show her your picture but we didn't have time"

Maybe I am overreacting because I am a very superstitious person and my life is already flipped upside down so why would I want to know that my marriage could fail even worse now with that communication comment. Sometimes i think people want to be helpful but in turn it makes it worse.

He is trying to push us to go see her because she does "relationship counseling".
I explained to him we are both in IC with THERAPISTS but he seems to think this would help.
I have told him several times, that why I think it is neat , it isn't for me.

So here i am asking am I overreacting, has anyone went to anyone like this for any relational advice?

Sorry, I know its a weird one....

5 comments posted: Saturday, May 11th, 2024

I can’t anymore.

I used to lay by the pool, relax in bed watching king of the hill, cook pasta dishes up like no one’s business, go to the gym, sit in church, read books… now the thought of doing any of these things scare me.
I did all of these things a lot while my H was having his affair. I used to cook pasta a lot on the days he would see his AP and now even cooking it will throw me into a depression and my kids LOVE pasta. A few weeks ago I almost threw it all in the trash half way through cooking.
I will want to lay in bed and just throw on a show some nights and be alone and I can’t, I scroll through this site instead searching for hope.. I haven’t put the pool up because the thought of enjoying that again has me just feeling sick.
I am trying to find new rituals and new hobbies but the fact I sat around so dumb thinking everything as great has me just kicking myself. I should have seen the signs , I should have known something was wrong. I start EMDR next week and my counselor thinks it will really help and I’m hopeful. My mental health has always been in a good place and now I feel like I’m barely hanging on. Yesterday was Monday (when he usually saw his AP) and we both have a new ritual where he cooks for us that day to relieve me of stress. Sunday night I had nightmares of him and her all night and let’s just say it ruined the whole day. I kept him
Awake half the morning crying and asking the same stupid questions.
He used a new word at dinner thar I’ve never heard him say and I lost it, I asked him if he got it from his AP and I just started losing it.
I don’t know what I’m asking or if I’m asking anything really but my mental health is struggling more than I could have ever imagined and for someone that I loved so much to be the cause, has me just feeling sick and I know this is the only place I can be heard and at the same time understood.
Thanks for always letting me vent.

8 comments posted: Wednesday, May 8th, 2024

Alcohol

How many people used alcohol here during the early months after dday? I was never a big drinker since having my kids but now I’m going through tequila like water. Yes I know it isn’t good but between that and the gym it’s all I got to keep my sanity.
Did you have long lasting issues because of it . Does it delay healing?

12 comments posted: Friday, April 26th, 2024

Coward.

Today has been a very upsetting day and I really can’t pinpoint why but I just needed to vent. My husband had an affair last summer and during the summer, our neighbors bullied our 10-year-old daughter, including the parents. My husband was gone a lot of the time visiting his AP so of course he wasn’t aware of what went on. They usually started on my daughter and me when he wasn’t home. I remember one time he came home because I called him four times before he would answer his phone. I begged him to come home because they were threatening to harm my daughters and All while this is going on the mom is egging it on. I remember him walking in the door and basically saying that my daughter antagonized a lot of things with them and he was so cold. I mean he sat on the opposite side of the couch from me and his eyes were not those of my husbands. Why did I not see that he was doing something then? How could a husband not defend his wife and children the entire summer? He actually made a comment to me that she just needs to play our backyard and avoid being out front because he "didn’t want to deal with it". I actually had to pull up camera footage and show him that she didn’t do anything but like why would I have to? They are 16 and 17 years old. He should always defend his family.

This has happened and summer is approaching here again. He has noticed everything he didnt do last summer. We have called the cops a couple of times and he has confronted the neighbors and he’s overly mad, but he stuck his head in the sand the entire last summer. He feels awful he hates who he was but he abandoned us for what? His OWN children suffered. How do you forgive that? He put himself before our child’s safety, before me. Someone tell me they’ve forgiven something like this because today I’m not doing well. I see him as a coward who would abandon us for himself. Although he is different now, I can’t let it go just yet. I would never put my kids after myself.

9 comments posted: Saturday, April 20th, 2024

Getting more disgusted as time goes on

The more work my H does the more I can't help but get mad, not because he is doing the work but because he was willing to throw away his four kids and wife for literal trash.

The more I found out about how trashy and dumb his AP was the more my blood boils.

I remember when I first found out about his A, he defended her and made so many comments that still stick with me to this day. How hot she was, how nice she was, how she just got S*** on her whole life.

He told me her ex husband was addicted to drugs and she left him buttttttttt they were the ones doing cocaine in the woods. I found her ex H on Facebook a while back and he works out regularly, has a very nice house, owns his own business, and always had their daughters taking them shopping while she was in the bottom of the barrel with my H all summer.

HE BELIEVED ALL OF HER SOB STORIES and the more I think about the stuff he first said in the "fog" I would laugh if I wasn't hurting so bad, it is almost comical.

I bring it up all the time to him and all he says is "I am so sorry" "Yes , I see it all now and it makes me sick, I was blind" He never argues, he never defends he just gets sad.

I just don't understand how something so icky could steal my H away.... I know he felt extremely low, I know he was in a bad place mentally, I know what she did for him but good Lord, I never thought he would be that dumb.

I don't know how to explain it but I am almost at the point I feel sorry for him, sorry that he jeopardized everything for nothing, sorry that he may lose us all and he has shit to show for it. It is like I am still deeply hurt but it is almost comical now, I see him differently, I see him as absolutely disgusting some days and as a sorry loser. The once H that I put on a pedestal is now almost a joke to me...

I feel horrible for saying that because he has done nothing but the right things since Dday , minus the trickle truth but now I feel I am at a new phase and it is just plain disgust.

I am sure this is a normal phase and maybe I just need to go through it to get to the other side... IDK it all sucks. I know in my heart I want to reconcile buttttttt the fact he could have been so naive and trusting.. Ick. Ick. Ick.

I am just venting because I need an outlet and I feel like my friends are over this by now and I need people that understand. I also feel so judgey and out of character and I hate what I am now if I am being honest.

39 comments posted: Friday, April 12th, 2024

Marriage counseling

I am back!

How do you all feel after marriage counseling sessions?
I do not like to drive to with mh H there or back. I ask him to drive separate because afterwards even after a decent session I flood.
Unfortunately we drove together a few weeks ago and I regret it. When we got closer to home I lost it on him out of the blue , I’m guessing talking about it for an hour does some things to my brain. At first he didn’t understand why being in the car with him was not good because we drive together other places. Once I explained it to him he said he understood and we drive separate. Our bank account doesn’t love it because it’s about a half hour away and gas isn’t cheap but being in the car with him makes me want to hurt him
Sometimes I have to go to the gym after or do something to keep me busy.
I’m assuming some of yall feel this way too? Any suggestions for those who do go together, how to cope with being together after?or is it just time? Sometimes after sessions he gets almost happy, hopeful and yall know me on here by now, I can’t let him feel that way so why not just shovel shit at him

3 comments posted: Wednesday, April 10th, 2024

Music triggers

Title says it all ,to all my fellow music lovers.

Went and got my nails done and what song comes on? Oh ya know just one about cheating. I immediately started to feel flooded, triggered and almost started crying. I pulled my hand away so fast from the nail tech , started digging in my purse like a mad woman to find my headphones. I needed something to block out the music because I was right back at dday. Once I popped them in , I immediately felt better.

after that I have learned that I can’t go anywhere without them, all sorts of places play unwanted tunes.
I put them in when I’m at home and it almost makes me feel like I’m safe as weird as that sounds. On the days that it is really hard to be around my H I pop them in and move around the house in my own safe world. Thank God I’m good at reading lips.

I have a 10 year old daughter who also loves to listen to Taylor swift who sings a song called cruel summer and that song triggers the hell out of me. Just the title , considering my H had an affair all summer

I was trying to have somewhat of a normal dance party night with my daughter and I let her pick a song to play and she picked a Morgan wallen song and I flooded (i know AP liked country, we are rock fans) . I Locked myself in the room and cried. I heard my H come home with dinner and my daughter tell him that she made me cry and she should have known better than to play that song. I immediately got mad at myself for making her feel like it was her fault, even more mad at my H because it was his fault. I left for hours and came home at bedtime.

If I leave the house and notice my headphones aren’t in my purse I turn around and grab them. I don’t love my new normal and I sure of the f wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy but I’m glad I found an escape, as stupid as it makes me loook.

Not asking for anything just venting

42 comments posted: Monday, April 8th, 2024

Help! Manage flooding!

I feel Uber needy and I’m sorry but I’m struggling.

6 months out and I don’t know how to control the anger/the pain. I wake up and I’m ok, I work from home and have my two littles while I do (2 and 3) which is stressful in itself because I also dispatch (always on the phone) H and I text through the day sometimes about the kids sometimes about evening plans and I’m almost happy….. then 2pm hits and I spiral. I don’t know how to explain it but if I let my guard down, if I let the images in , or the thoughts of him and her in my brain I lose control and the rest of the day is just shit. Sometimes I can stop myself before they get that far and other days I can’t and I just flood. I can’t breathe and I panic. I told my H this and when he came home he tried to hold me and I told him not to touch me. He got hurt , teared up and although he understood he asked if I wanted him to leave or if I wanted to leave. I accused him of not being supportive and he explained he was but he didn’t know how to help me. I originally wanted to go to the gym but sometimes I don’t want to be anywhere like nowhere I go is safe l, I have no ground and I literally panic. I told him that it would be best for him to leave so he went to the store to get stuff for the Garden for the front (he let it got last summer during his A and he feels horrible about it) He said he wants to do something to show me he loves me and is trying to build this life for with me so he took our three year old out to work on it and I just sobbed.

I know people will tell me 6 months is early , I know it is and I don’t expect to feel better yet but how do you manage the flooding? How do you live in the moment, Mondays are really hard for me because he saw her on Mondays how do you let your spouse be there for you? I’m working in IC to take back Mondays but I haven’t been able to just yet. When I will I find solid ground anywhere?

16 comments posted: Wednesday, April 3rd, 2024

Hate that he enjoyed it ..then

Alright so this may be a REALLY odd question but hear me out.
I know that MOST, if not ALL WS enjoy the sex, the ego kibbles, the illicitness, etc AT THE TIME OF THE A.
I also know that MOST WS, if they heal and do the work look back in complete disgust and hate who they were at the time and what they did, some even see the AP as who they were too.

My issue is I know this. I know there is no way I can go back and rewrite my H idea of his affair while he was in it, I want to be able to go back in time and smack him so hard to bring him back to reality but I can't , that ship has sailed.

How do you live with knowing that someone else gave your S what they wanted, how do you look at them knowing they enjoyed every minute of hurting you and touching someone else, stealing time to from the kids to be with them? I feel like if I bring this up in my IC I will sound like I am crazy, (because he is doing the work) which I still will bring it up I just don't know how to let it go. Call it pride/ego whatever it may be. He never fails to tell me how much he hates what he did multiple times a day and that he never looks back at it and if he does it is because I ask questions and he digs in his memory and even then he said it makes him feel nauseous. WHY ISN'T ENOUGH for me to hang my hat on?

I am trying to re frame things and positive self talk, he builds me up through his actions and words but I keep going back to "He had his hands all over her and loved it"
I had him write down all the things he loved about me and sometimes I will go back and read them when I am having a rough day but then I think about what he did and it all means nothing.

Anything that helped you?
Should I word my questions differently to my H?

25 comments posted: Saturday, March 30th, 2024

How long

How long did it take for you to see your WS in a different light after becoming truly remorseful and doing the work?
I’m almost 6 months out and he’s doing so well but I just want to throat punch him. (I won’t) but you get it.

I know I wont ever look at him through those rose colored glasses but when I do heal, im terrified of what I may see…..

24 comments posted: Friday, March 29th, 2024

Importance of IC

H had an affair all last summer and afterwards TT , minimized and I would say in some forms gaslighted me. Because of alll of these things we agreed that his IC would be once a week and marriage counseling would be put on hold.Hell I didn’t cheat , he did. I am so mad because tonight my H comes home and says his counselor wants to see him once a month now because of the amount of progress he’s made. Don’t get me wrong he has the steps below he’s done.

1. Acknowledged he had the affair due to porn , not feeling worthy, not loving himself, feeling worthless because of his dead end job.

2. Has been porn free for three months

3. Quit his job immediately and is making almost $10 more an hour.

4. Has been accountable for all whereabouts and all passwords shared.

5. He offered his bank statements , went through them his timeline given matches his statements.

6. Is more invovlved at home with me and the kids.

7. Has let me basically focus on myself and he does the chores, dinners, whatever.

8. Quit his band. (35 years old , it’s about time we focus on our four kids)

9. Has told our family, close friends what he did.

Yes those are HUGE, with that being said I still don’t feel safe because I feel like it’s not enough counseling? I mean he got to his why pretty quickly but what the hell about the how? The coping mechanisms , I just don’t feel like someone so selfish cant change so fast. When I brought this up to my H he said that the counselor said that he needs to read some books he recommended but he is making huge steps , which yes he is but what about his thought process? He said he wants us to see our marriage counselor , my marriage didn’t fail…. I’m already in IC and unfortunately have to go two to three times a month because I have so much trauma from it.

Here my H is going once a month!!?

Yes, my h has made huge steps and he has grown from being a defensive jerk to starting to show signs of real remorse and doing work on his own but I feel like something needs to happen for it to stick. Or is there something that develops over time without constant counseling ?

What is the thoughts on the importance of counseling ?

Maybe im pissed I have to go more than him when he’s the selfish jerk who did this and I feel like he’s getting away with less.

I stupidly feel like now he’s some saint and I’m the bad guy that can’t heal …. If that makes sense?

17 comments posted: Saturday, March 16th, 2024

Telling old boss about affair

So for those of you who had read my backstory my H had an affair with coworker at his previous job (he has been gone since November). Well my H seemed distant this past weekend and really just not himself (he reminded me how he acted while in his A, except depressed now) I got the courage to ask him what was wrong, since i completely trust my gut now and he let loose.

He told he his old boss who happens to be one of his good friends texted him this past weekend asking him to go to a concert with him. He also listed the people that would be going and his AP was one of them.... H didn't respond and left him on read, he was triggered by seeing her name and it made him upset. His old boss keeps asking if he is going and obv he is NOT. I told my H it is time that he sits down and tells him. I can NOT chance my H ever being in the same space as her because whether he meant to or not it would end in D (at least this early on). My H then went into a shame spiral saying he was going to invite him over to our house and tell him (with me here too). He said it was time he told him but he feels like he will lose all respect for him and he said that he didn't only betray me but a lot of other people and I know it is hard for him. When he left his old job he left them high and dry, he was the only one that knew the skills for his job and his old boss took it personal.

INSIDE I am giddy, I hope his old boss views his old AP exactly as she is and watches her better bc she will do this again (any kind of fraternization results in termination for their specific dept) I kinda hope she gets fired but that is wishful thinking... He really loves us and our kids, so maybe he will just hate her. IDK

My H has cut ties with all the other people at his old job but we both are friends with his old boss and his family, several people in my group warned me of telling too many people but I feel like we HAVE to tell him bc SHE is still in his circle if we do not and could destroy whatever we may be working towards.

Side note, I asked my H what he would have done if he ran into her at the concert without knowing, he said " I would avoid her or leave." well that was a shitty answer and when I confronted him with how shitty it was he said " I wouldn't let her ruin my good time but yes I probably would leave" (he loves music) I mean I get it but NO I told him he would leave and idgaf how much the tickets were , the price he would pay for D would be much higher. I know in his mind he thinks he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize us further but I am NOT there yet and honestly he shouldn't trust himself this much yet.

I just hate that there are still ties to her..... and that he could potentially be in the same setting unless we make it clear to the people that we still see , that see her.

Thoughts?

14 comments posted: Wednesday, February 21st, 2024

Is this “normal”

I have noticed the past two times I’ve taken a shower and I stand in front of the mirror I get "triggered" I immediately start to spiral and want to ask a lot of sexual questions to my H regarding his A. Last time I didn’t stop and i hounded him for hours. Today I shut myself in our bedroom and told him that after taking a shower triggers me. Is that even the right word? I can’t avoid showering ( well I can but yuck). I think I’m proud I recognized the correlation between the shower and the spiraling and anxiety. I feel like I have more control over how I handle it? Yet sex with him doesn’t trigger me. I’m wondering if maybe it’s my self esteem ? Idk.

I feel crazy. This is a new trigger and I feel like I’m gaining more weird ones over time. At first my H couldn’t close a door in the house because it reminded me of him shutting me out. He couldn’t pee alone for weeks, my oldest daughter didn’t like avoiding the hallway.

What the heck is this weird metaphorical crap?! Tell me I’m not alone.

14 comments posted: Friday, February 16th, 2024

Pain shopping

I am not sure I am in the right place for this question I think that I want to hear from people that have reconciled or are attempting at it.

I feel like I have so many right now so sorry in advance!

I think in my heart eventually I will want to reconcile if my H keeps up his counseling and continues to grow as a safe person and changes his morals and values (he is working on it). Right now I am trying to focus on myself and start therapy in a few days but I find myself still stuck in the question phase (its been 4months since D day so I know it is early) At first my H defended his A and his AP to and extent, the normal BS you hear : She knew me better, she and I connected more He has over time started to see what it was and he hates what he did to us and our family.

Now I find myself almost pain shopping, I ask questions about their sexual stuff even though he has already admitted that he enjoyed sex with her then but absolutely hates it now and he realizes how gross and blah blah it was and how she wasn't this beautiful girl he thought she was. He said he saw himself how he wanted to through her eyes, which I hear is pretty common. Last night I kept asking what she had that I didn't have or what she did that I did not do and he started to get really upset and cry that I was "breaking him down" that he had nothing else to tell me and I was searching for things to internationally hurt me. He told me nothing was better with her but he admitted she wasn't awful in bed but she wasn't amazing and that he may have enjoyed it then but doesn't now, that the only reason he did then is because he knew she was below him and he felt better and it raised his self esteem. He told me he thinks that I keep asking questions to try to get him to change his answers into something I want to hear that will hurt me so I can put the nail in the coffin and leave him. I think he may be right? Why do I keep wanting to get him to tell me she was amazing and rocked his world, I mean she tried reallllllllllll hard to steal him so maybe she did but even if she did WHY WOULD I WANT TO KNOW? He said that every time I ask sexual questions he has to think about it by recalling the memories he is trying to forget and it makes him sick and he doesn't want them anymore. He said all the memories are tied to pain.

I know that there is no comparison in MY brain, I know what i have to offer and what she did, I don't feel below her in any way BUT I worry about his thoughts, what he may think now, how can I compete with a fantasy? I let my guard down and was a flawed mom during his A and she gave it her all, he only saw her on her good days at her best.

I put myself on a pedestal, I really thought our sex life was amazing and that no one could come close to making him happy sexually but me, that was a stupid thought clearly. He told me I need to stop worrying about what he thinks about because it isn't about her and if it is, they aren't good memories but once again, I will never know.

I guess my questions are.

1. I hate when he cries when I ask him questions, he says it is because saying anything that hurts me makes him feel like crap and he has hurt me enough, but I still find that to be shame? Or is it normal and considered empathy? He answers my questions over and over but eventually he breaks maybe it is stress , idk. I usually am relentless because I am stubborn (working on that)

2. as a BS did you pain shop like this or as a WS did your BS pain shop? Why do I keep trying to hurt myself more, I don't think this is normal that I can not let it go, if I will ever reconcile I feel like i eventually have to stop hurting myself.

3. Does this feeling of feeling less than the AP ever go away after reconciliation or will I always feel a twinge of it?

I did end up blocking her on Social media because I got tired of staring at her and wondering what he saw in her and I have deleted all of the texts and messages H and I had during the time of the A because I kept re reading his lies and I cried when I deleted them, it was a bittersweet moment and I don't know why. I should have been happy but I was sad I couldn't keep reading them over and over even though it hurt. I still have a photo on my phone (locked away) of them two together although I don't look at it anymore, I can't delete it. I feel so stupid for that.

Sorry for the long explanation, sometimes I ramble.

26 comments posted: Friday, February 16th, 2024

Location triggers

Hi, D day for me was 10/06 and I have been really struggling with PTSD and I start IC next week. We are still in the recovery phase but I am thinking that reconciliation is on the table, H is doing his work so far.
Long story short, I went to get a tattoo last night (ya know self care). I originally thought the place was on a certain side of town (the road stretches between two cities) and then realized once I got closer it was in the same area my H had his affair. I immediately started having panic attacks and almost backed out because I couldn't think rationally at that point. I made sure that once he told me the area and one place they went i told him I didn't want to know anymore things that would tie my mind to a place because it is too damaging. I had to pull over because I felt like the air was knocked from my lungs and it was like D day all over again.

But how the hell do I avoid an entire city? He avoids it too at all costs because he knows it is triggering for us both, it isn't entirely hard to do given it is a good half hour away from our home , although one of my favorite places to eat is on that same road (so that is out for a long time). He also has a new job that may take him to that area for work, I can't just have him say no, although hes offered, he has already said no to long distance jobs that take him away for several days due to my trust issues.
When I got home I cried for hours, it was like the ground was pulled up from underneath me again and all the work my H had done the past few weeks/months meant nothing to me, once again he was a stranger who had robbed me. He had his IC earlier in the day and he was working on some of his exercises and he was already emotionally exhausted since it was his first session and I just couldn't function. I mean I have the normal triggers, her name, movies with infidelity etc, but this , this was very traumatizing even being close to the area. What are some best practices for this? How long do triggers like this normally last? I have to go up to that same area in a few weeks to get the tattoo touched up and I am hoping since I won't be blindsided regarding the area it may be better...

3 comments posted: Saturday, February 10th, 2024

Drugs involved

After three months of not telling me the full truth , last night my husband finally admitted there were drugs involved during his affair and I feel devastated even more now. We have four children with our youngest being 2. He swears she always brought them and he never paid but I don’t even know what I believe anymore. Besides IC what else should I have him do?

He has had NC since the end of Sept and said he has not done any drugs (he didn’t do them before her that I know of). He broke down and cried last night saying he couldn’t hide that piece of the puzzle from me anymore (I knew there was more he wasn’t telling me) help! I feel like someone kicked me in the stomach. The affair spanned over four months and he claimed he did the drugs ten times. Anyone else have a partner that had an affair with drugs involved? I don’t know what my demands should be if I feel like I want to reconcile, is this something they work on in IC? Now I’m not too sure that I I want to reconcile (not from the drugs so much but the trickle truthing is killing me.)

63 comments posted: Monday, January 22nd, 2024

Constant reassurance

Hi! It's me again.

I don't know how to word this so I will do it the best that I can.
My H and I are trying to reconcile, 3 months past Dday, I know it hasn't been long so I expect it to take a long time to heal.
My H came out of his fog fairly quickly after Dday, I think he actually came out of it before I found out and he wasn't scared to throw her under the bus and himself as well. He knew what it was and realized it was all fake (with help from me of course) He has had open communication about everything and is currently working on answering a thread of questions for me. He is going to start individual counseling soon and he has been the best dad and husband since then but I am struggling so bad to let the actions help me move forward.
I feel like I am waiting for him to say something to make me feel better and he hasn't yet. I ask the same questions over and over until I drive myself crazy and him. I wake up in the morning crying begging him to tell me he loves me, that he doesn't care about her, and that he is sorry. Sometimes I do that in the middle of the night when I have a bad moment and wake him up. He has never once gotten mad and will hold and reassure me literally through the entire day, I feel good for a little bit and then I spiral again and constantly text/talk to him about needing to know he loves me. I feel like his actions should mean more to me but they just don't yet. Does anyone else feel like this too? I cry often and tell him I feel like I am going insane, nothing he says helps in the long run, I swear I am looking for magic words that I don't think I will ever get because even the most raw and honest/loving answers don't help. I have been going to the gym, writing, focusing on myself and nothing seems to keep me from thinking about the betrayal. Hell, even movies will trigger me and half the time it is something dumb unrelated to the affair but will trigger an emotion. I feel like 98% of my day my thoughts are filled with what he did.
I have an issue now comparing myself to the OW now too because she had certain features that I do not that I believe led to the Physical part of the affair.
Does anyone feel like this and if so how long has/ or does it last? What additional things did you do to help ease the pain and need to constantly be reassured verbally? I want to reconcile and he has shown hes above and beyond ready to do the same but I can not let go and look at all of the great things he has done. Help

11 comments posted: Saturday, January 13th, 2024

Words you can’t take back / questions

Hi everyone I came here searching for answers of course. My husband of 5 years had an affair pretty much the entire summer, D-day was October 6th so the wounds are pretty fresh and I struggle emotionally every day. My husband and I just started marriage counseling (his idea) because he had an idea of what enticed him to have the affair. Like most people I’ve read about, he was seeking external validation, he was struggling with finances, we have four kids (one with special needs) and I think we just fell out a bit emotionally. (Not an excuse at all). I’m really trying to reconcile and be understanding because he has done nothing but be there and admit fault and answer questions that I have. I am just struggling because he seemed so defensive at first and when asked questions about the affair he would say "she knew me better" or " we had a better connection" "she had a great body" (now he claims that was never true) once he found out I knew who she was and as time went on he said none of it was was true and he was "blinded". He also said he was never going to leave his family but it was an "ego boost" and he liked how it made him feel "invincible" When I bring up anything he said shortly after d-day he gets very sad and asks me not to repeat them because he didn’t mean them. The words he said stick with me and I really don’t know how to let that go. I don’t know how someone can go from believing that I wasn’t a good match for him to begging and crying for me to not leave.
Has anyone ever dealt with this? How are you handling it and do you have any advice?

Also we have MC on Monday and I am struggling with what questions I NEED to know about the affair. I know the when’s , some of the where’s and that it was physical. I have this urge to know everything because I feel like they shouldn’t be allowed to have any sort of "secrets" together and it should all be laid on the table. I know this isn’t the best way of thinking but I want to ask all the questions now instead of doing it months down the road. What questions would you not recommend I ask or what questions do you recommend for reconciliation?

Thank you!

13 comments posted: Friday, January 12th, 2024