Cycling

It's been 4 months since the the first D day, about 2 since the last bit of truth trickled out. WH has been mostly exemplary in terms of behaving in a remorseful way and doing the work (as much as can be done in a short amount of time). We have stretches of good days - sometimes it seems that we are "out of the woods" even though I know that's ridiculous at this point. I know the road ahead is long.

Here is what I do when things feel too 'normal': - I sabotage. I trigger myself by looking at photos of the OW, I engage in conversations with WH that are destined to drudge up things that we have rehashed a ton of times, I cry and get back into a dark hole. WH then feels terrible about himself, and we go back several notches in our process. It's almost as though I need to press on the bruise to make sure I (and he) feel the pain to remember how devastated I am.

Does this sound familiar? And when does this stop? I hate feeling this way, and am largely to blame for pulling myself back into this painful place.

4 comments posted: Tuesday, April 30th, 2024

a question about having questions

How do I honor my need to ask the questions I have about my husband's affair - the ones that bubble up when I'm in the car, on a run, etc. - while trying to build upon the positive things that have happened since the last dday and his work towards reconciliation? The questions I have feel so important to get answers to, but send me (and us) spiraling into the darkness. Do I need to feel the pain to remind myself and him of the horror of it all so we don't get complacent in this process?

9 comments posted: Monday, April 15th, 2024

imagining, and then reacting

I'm only a few weeks out from the polygraph (and the last of the disclosures). So it's fresh, still. I'm in neutral gear, and plan to stay here for a long time before I decide to R or move towards separation. WH is seemingly committed to repairing the damage he's caused. I have access to all of his things, email, social media, etc., and do the ritualistic checking regularly.

My imagination is making me nuts. He did a (surprisingly) good job hiding a 2 year affair, so I imagine thatthe reason I'm not finding any evidence that he is still in communication with the OW is because he has gone deep underground, making me the fool for looking in all the wrong places. AND THEN I SPIRAL. I am pretty sure nothing is going on, but then there is always a chance, and I refuse to be the fool again. Is this normal? How long will this last?

6 comments posted: Saturday, April 6th, 2024

Well, he balked on the polygraph

Yep - he balked at the polygraph.

It didn't happen because he 'needed to talk to me about one of my questions' and to no one's surprise, revealed yet another buried lie. So he lost us $$$$, a day of work, and he managed to level me again.

If he REALLY wanted to reconcile, he would have done EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER to prepare for the test, namely, tell me all the things I need to know, and then passed. I now have none of the positive outcomes that I was hoping this test would provide, and only have more lies to process. I think I need to accept that he doesn't want to do the work, and by default, really doesn't want to reconcile.

WTF.

Help.

19 comments posted: Friday, March 8th, 2024

Another D Day

After telling my husband that all I wanted was the truth, he thought he could control the damage by editing the story, AGAIN. I decided to check his Appstore purchases, and found one for 'day' hotel bookings, which had been downloaded a year before he told me the A had started. Pressed into a corner AGAIN, he told me that it started a full year before when I thought it did, and that year included clandestine meetings, in hotel rooms, near and far.

I felt as though our R was moving along in a positive direction, and he swears that since we began our R a few weeks ago he has not been in contact with her, but the scab is ripped off once again, and I'm bleeding profusely. I am so sad.

I can't believe anything he says, but lets say it's true that he wants to R and hasn't been in touch. The deletion of a year of an affair is a big deal, correct? Or is there something to build on here? Can a person just end a 2 year A like that? He says he only thinks about her when I bring her up. I call Bullshit.

Feeling very shaky.

19 comments posted: Thursday, February 29th, 2024

polygraph scheduled

Polygraph is next week. I can tell that my WH is petrified. He spilled details once he knew I was serious. I asked him to write a detailed timeline of the A, and have based my questions partly on what he told me.

I deeply hope that he passes, but what happens if he fails?

8 comments posted: Thursday, February 29th, 2024

Pros and cons of telling Affair Spouse?

I'm really torn. I want the OW out of our life. However, many people say that contacting the OW's spouse is essential. I don't want to start something that keeps the OW and her family in our life. What if the betrayed spouse is vindictive and starts problems? On the other hand, I understand that ethically, letting him know seems like the right thing to so. What are the pros and cons of contacting the spouse? Thank you for your thoughts.

10 comments posted: Saturday, February 24th, 2024

How do you know you are checking in the right places?

I understand that one of the things that is essential in the process of reconciliation is that my husband gives me access to all accounts - logins, passwords, etc. However, I know that he could set up a different account, find another app and use that to communicate with the OW, so me checking up on him in the places he gave me access to is pointless.

How do you check in on your wayward spouse, and feel comfortable that he isn't finding other avenues to communicate? At this point, one week past the last huge piece of discovery, I feel compelled to rake through apps and email servers to catch him in a lie.

This is absolutely horrible.

Help, and thanks.

12 comments posted: Friday, February 23rd, 2024

Would love your thoughts

Here is my experience with the discovery of my husband's affair.

I found a gift from the OW and questioned my husband - he shared (after denying for days) an abridged version of an affair. In this version, the affait was brief, on line only, and only transactional. After I made a second discovery, I pressed him again, and the truth was (dragged) out of him. It was a a year long affair, had became physical, included expressions of love, and gifts were exchanged. The 6 weeks of trickle truth felt like death by 1000 cuts. At the end, when everything was on the table, I felt flayed - and didn't know that such pain and tear production was possible.

Something unexpected happened then. Amid all of this, I became acutely aware of how much I loved him, and that I felt actual empathy for his experience. I realized that if he was able to demonstrate true remorse, and commit to the 'work', I was willing to try, too. 24 years of a mostly good marriage and our 4 children were not something I was willing to throw away, mo matter how hurt I was.

So...he knows that the path forward is resting on a hairpin trigger, and that while our work on the marriage may not be a perfect path, his communication with the OW needs to be ZERO, or the walls come tumbling down.

This feels like the riskiest choice, and I'm scared to death. I am risking my heart all over again, when I could have ended things and moved forward in that direction.

I'd love any of your thoughts, advice, for me in this moment.

19 comments posted: Thursday, February 22nd, 2024

How do you know what you want?

First, thank you to everyone who has responded to me in the past - you have been a balm for my pain.

I last wrote about wanting to know all of the lurid details, and I'm still there. My husband can only talk about his dreams for the future. I keep bringing him back to the dark places where my mind is stuck.

How does one know what one wants? I love(d) our life, and I could simply move forward and have the same life, with the exception of the respect and trust for my husband. Or, I could decide that there is another future for me without him. Is it brave to work to save this marriage, or brave to move on without it?

22 comments posted: Sunday, January 28th, 2024

All I want right now are the details

I am the reason why I know about my husbands affair - I found a gift from her to him. I pushed past his attempts to cover up what it was (he tried to tell me it was an xmas gift for one of our kids), and asked questions that finally cornered him until he confessed. It an on-line relationship that was sexual (sexting) and emotional (regular phone conversations). He professes to want to fight for us. All I want are the sordid details, and I think it's bad for me. But that's the phase I'm in. Sound normal?

20 comments posted: Friday, January 19th, 2024