My WS says that the audio book " how to help your spouse heal from your affair " too triggering and puts her into guilt of what

More than a month since D day of finding my wife having an EA with a colleague. I was already having a lot of mental issues and this had spiralled me to near suicide .

I still forgave her and tried to move on but then I started getting flashes of what happened and get into outbursts and lash out at times. She is angry because I can't just let it go and am trying to make her feel bad every minute instead of healing.

Noone in mine or her family seem to understand the emotions I'm going through and they just want me to reconcile for the sake of kids . My only support is the reddit on-line community.

I bought a copy of not just friends which will arrive by international mail and then audio book of " how to help spouse heal from your affair" .

She tried listening to if but said it's triggering and it's spiralling her depression even more. I tried listening and ironically she is doing everything that's told as a wrong approach done by betrayers.

She feels that I can't force her to go through it for my sake.. she is calling it as a torture to remind her of her infidelity. I don't know what to do now

6 comments posted: Monday, June 3rd, 2024

Betrayers who stayed back in the relationship :What are the signs that the Waywards reconciled and got back your trust? What is

close to a month from D-day catching my wife in EA. I initially forgave her as it was just few messages and tried to move forward .(Please read previous posts)

But i couldnt stop thinking of it and whenever i asked,she wasnt answering well and was trying to stonewall as she felt that I was trying to poke at her mistakes again and again instead of moving ahead. She also got pissed when i asked about a resort trip where she went with another woman,3 men one of them is AP but she insists nothing physical happened.

This led to even more issues and fights and intervention. She is in her mom's house with kids for a week so that both of us can cool down and we had already had one session of MC and had our profiles mapped.

She called me and said that she wants to change but she cant do anything if everything she does and says looks as wrong in my eyes for some reason. I told her that she had ripped my entire trust on her so its tough for me to bring it back

So I need to know what can i need to know taht she is taking efforts, and how long should I give her? We are going to MC but not sure how much they can handle

10 comments posted: Friday, May 24th, 2024

Should I forgive and forget that my emotionally cheating WW who may have physically cheated but insists she doesn't as the proce

I had written about how I found my wife emotionally cheating with a junior colleague by sending/receiving not decent ( not sexual ) chats in WhatsApp and insta .

She initially tried to Gaslight that it's was just friendly legpulling but I kept pushing until she accepted it .she asked sorry .

Her sister intervened and we agreed to go on a clean slate but then I started getting aftershocks on what happened and asked questions but she didn't answer properly because she was pissed why I'm still on it .

But everytime I took she kept telling that " i didn't have sex with him. He was just praising me and I accepted it which was my fault but I did not do anything"

I got so pissed that I shouted " don't say you didn't have sex because you went to a resort as a group and he was one of them . I need proof you didn't"

Context: Around 8 months ago , she asked if she can go to a colleague wedding in another city and I agreed. But apparently she wasn't happy with the way I nodded.

I called the day she reached and she said she is in a resort. I got pissed, she has gone with 3 male and one female colleague to resort a day before marriage and did rafting , sailing rain dance etc. One of them is the guy with whom she talked in a romantic way.

When she came back and I asked her why she didn't tell, she said i never asked about it so she never told and her mom and sisters know about it .

This caused a huge fight over permission but I never suspected her of cheating at that time but rather not asking me before she went .

She offered to talk to that female colleague but I refused claiming she will hide for you.

It ended with another big fight and i says i wanna divorce. She begged telling that she never cheated physically and even emotional she always stopped whenever he went out of line .

She has quit the company, blocked him from all contacts, promised she will change.

We had another intervention with mine and their sisters and they were all telling that I should stop beating the dead horse because she has asked for forgiveness. Of course noone is understanding my internal feelings which are torn after her cheating.

I told them that I'll give a chance of counseling but she is just one strike away from divorce.

Even after that she once again came and said that she never did anything physical and how my accusations are making her feel very hurt.

So should I just accept the fact that they didn't and move on as part of reconciliation. If I ask again, it will once again lead to argument because she is so confident that she didn't do it .

Also in any of the chats I can't find any evidence of them talking about it . Their chats showed mere acquaintance before trip, after trip their chats became more friendly, then a month later, he started praising her beauty. There were other people too while i admit they might lie, they could not take any stupid action and expose themselves.

Those who cheated or got cheated, should I just forgive , accept and move on ? Because I really want to give one shot at this marriage.

7 comments posted: Saturday, May 18th, 2024

I'm not angry my wife was involved in emotional cheating with a younger colleague but more of how she treated me with disrespect

Please excuse my language as I'm an Indian and English is not my first language and also my wife's chat which sounds like a kindergarten kid wrote it

So I had this porn addiction which she discovered right after marriage. This caused a huge issue in my sex life as i was unable to satisfy her well.

She too lost interest in having sex with me and we tried to improve our marriage .

I told her how my childhood trauma due to abusive parents and bullying led to this, she started using this as a weapon .

She would treat me badly and whenever we had a fight she would pull this as a way to keep me quiet .

I was abused by my parents to an extent where I lost all my self confidence and lived alone with no friends so I just continued.

She would constantly check my mobile because she was afraid that i might revert back to addiction and she would read all my personal messages and even read the teams messages of my colleagues.

The one thing that really bothers me is that she would never show any interest if i suggest to do something but she would be ready if her family tells her .

The one thing that kept me alive during the abusive period of my parents were those story books and i always wanted to travel and exploring and eat new food.

But for her, weekends or vacation means going to her family and she will drag me along .

But she also forced me not to go anywhere. My colleagues invited me for a drink after work but she threw a big fit that she is struggling to raise my child but I'm enjoying.

I had to cancel an office getaway because she threw a huge fight over it , she even fought when I had to go to Chennai for a business trip but I had no chance of canceling.

Yes I turned to pornography, but I also had some other hobbies that kept me sane like watching EPL, reading books, trying new restaurants etc but she slowly but surely made me stop all these .

Now she has new friends and then only I understood something important .she wasn't close to her family but she just wants to enjoy with anyone who is not me .

Even going to the mall, she would complain she was tired etc but she went on a 3 day trek with her friends where she walked around 20 km.

Also she has this whole " feminist vibe" or something, if i tell her to do some household chores which is beyond what our maid or cook does, she sarcastically replies why she should do , why am I pushing it to her just because she is woman etc.

I just want to divorce but I'm afraid of my life post divorce and about my 2 children aged 7 and 3 .I don't want them to grow up in a broken house and also I'm not sure if she might end up showing the anger towards me to my kids.

I always contemplate suicide because I'm alone , friendless, unhappy family , bad in careers etc but I din’t know when I might .

Then I noticed something, she was very protective of her mobile . She would take it even to bathroom also while bathing . So one day i tried to open and i found that she had changed the passcode of the mobile without informing me.

.Post the birth of second child, she slimmed down and started wearing modern clothes. I’ve seen her pubic hair trimmer in bathroom many times even though we hardly have sex in the last one year

She had gone out with her friends ( both male and female) twice . First she went for a marriage but stayed in a resort a day before. The second time it was a company sponsored trek. I’m now thinking if she had cheated on me during those times. She didn't mention the word resort the first time and just told about the wedding . Second time she just mentioned company sponsored getaway for 3 days. But didn't tell they will be trekking and staying in tents at night. Now I'm confused if my wife cheated on me because she didn't completely divulged the information

I thought to use breaking into her mobile uldn't control myself so I tried to access her phone while sleeping but she woke up and shouted for frightening her.

I asked her to open the phone immediately and she gave after hesitation .i sent to insta and she had chatted with a guy but she said he approached her and after he started using words like dear she stopped responding.

I apologize and went to sleep. The next day she went to the office and i thought there was something wrong so when she came back I asked her to show me her mobile once more. She refused but I said I won't budge until she gives .

I saw that one boy was always next to her in all the photos so I checked his chats and i found everything I needed.

9

I confronted my wife with those whatsapp chats. It led to a huge fight where she was telling the following things to defend me and that colleague.-

He is young and she felt him like some kind of puppy love exhibited by a high school student towards his school teacher

He has gfs and roams with multiple people so she doesnt think he was serious when he was flirting and giving compliments

She always stopped him when he tried to go overboard

They chat at the frequency of once a week not more.

Most importantly, if she had feelings for him. their chats would have a different turn and she might have ended up in physical.

She had also chatted about an fling she had before our marriage and how she met him once after our marriage got fixed, gave him a final hug and left. She had never told me in 10 years of marriage

For 2 hrs she defended this guy over me and i attempted suicide. So the next day her sister came to mediate . I told the following

Whenever he steps over the compliments, why is she not stern in warning him but giving simple statements like ""u r young"," im married " etc-

Do the words he used constitute sexual harassment in the corporate culture?

Why has she discussed things with him about certain college crushes she never discussed with me?

Why she has never explicitly denied whenever he gave her options to hang out

Cheating happens step by step and she is currently in the 20th of the 100 steps maybe.

He just needs a place and time and maybe some alcohol to get that.

Why should she defend herself so much instead of admitting her mistakes

. I also pointed out these chats that he is already planning for the next steps. Calling her for a midnight bike ride and party to a secret place .

Her sisters also joined in and said his behavior doesn’t seem alright but she said she didnt want to lose friendship over some of his stupid comments . They gave him a good scolding and she now has understood the gravity of the situation. She has promised not to chat with him anymore.

She also apologized for all the troubles she caused for 10 years and will try to change. I too promised to get therapy for ED and develop intimacy better . Now her sisters also know her emotional cheating.

So now we have a clean slate to start our relationship when she wont bring my porn addiction and I wont bring her chatting.

Next day i asked her about that fling, she said it was just a crush and it happened before i met her and she cannot tell it because we had agreed to drop everything as per pact. I said I need closure, she said we didn't do sex or anything and there is nothing to talk about

But now i don't know if she had cheated on me physically as well. I didn't find any evidence of trying to organize any meeting or any photos or videos of sexual nature .

I'm not angry that she cheated but how she gaslighted me all these days by using all my insecurity, making me feel that she is suffering under this marriage and always ruining my aspirations and hobbies.

All i Want from her is respect, nothing else. I want her to treat me like a husband and not some guy at home. She says she needs love but she doesn't know I tried my best to provide but I got out away because of her behaviour.

Is that tooo much to ask for ?

Screenshot of chats

8 comments posted: Tuesday, May 14th, 2024

I told my EA cheating wife that "stop telling you didn't have sex with him instead say that I didn't get any proof of it "

I found about how I found my wife emotionally cheating with a junior colleague by sending/receiving not decent ( not sexual ) chats in WhatsApp and insta.

I confronted my wife with those whatsapp chats. It led to a huge fight where she was telling the following things to defend me and that colleague.-

She initially tried to defend but then agreed that she was wrong and she will end the chat . So I initially waited for her to update but she said they were coming at different days to office so she could not meet him.

But one thing she kept telling is that she never had romantic feeling over him and she never had sex with him .

I finally got tired and asked her to call in front of me to bring closure.

Wife : hey guy, I want to talk to you. My husband saw those chats you had made and he is not happy with it. So I don't want you to chat again with me

Guy : hey look, I only chatted as a friend ( please check the link i sent and let me know it's friend level)

Wife : look, i don't want to create a scene with our friends so let's pretend to be normal before then but don't talk to me in private or message me

Guy : hey I'm sorry for that . I didn't think this will happen

I got pissed at this moment and said you never talked about boundaries after muting phone

Wife : hey , I think you had crossed few boundaries and it's my mistake also that I allowed to cross.

Guy : hey I'm really sorry , I did everything in a friendly way

Wife : ok bye

Guy : bye

She called and said to him to stop chatting as her husband saw the chats and he said I'm sorry I only talked like a friend etc.

I got pissed and we had another fight . This time she was angry why I'm pissed even though she ended it . I said she didn't end with telling him what he did instead made me look like a suspicious husband.

I said she would rather be polite with a guy who almost ended her marriage and can even end even now. But she said again

" Look i didn't have sex with him"

Don't make it look like an ievement, you are just months or weeks away from that .

I said " tell that your husband didn't get any evidence of you indulging in physical affair "

And brought up a trip .

Context: Around 8 months ago , she asked if she can go to a colleague wedding in another city and I agreed. But apparently she wasn't happy with the way I nodded.

I called the day she reached and she said she is in a resort. I got pissed, she has gone with 3 male and one female colleague to resort a day before marriage and did rafting , sailing etc.

When she came back and I asked her why she didn't tell, she said i never asked about it so she never told and her mom and sisters know about it .

This caused a huge fight over permission but I never suspected her of cheating but rather not asking me before she went .

I said I don't have evidence of what you did at that resort and it's human nature to protect their friends so I won't even ask them ass they will cover for you .

I know there is a high chance she didn't but I wanted to hurt her for the hurt she caused.

Was i over the line and behaved like this?

2 comments posted: Monday, May 13th, 2024