whole world shattered in an instant
7 weeks ago my husband told me he was not happy in our marriage, with no details, and then left the next day for travel. He came home for the weekends, but did not want to discuss the bomb he dropped. I happened to find a gift of jewelry in his briefcase 4 weeks ago and hired a PI only to confirm my worst fears of a PA three weeks ago. We have been married 27 years and together 30 years. The A has been going on at least 2 years. My emotions are so raw and I am gutted. Sickeningly, he was involved with the OW last year at our daughters wedding, where my H read wrote a toast and read a prayer about the beauty of marriage and fidelity.
He has admitted the A, only after I produced the proof from the PI, but even so he is still protecting the details of the A. He began IC, but I do not believe it is an honest attempt, because before he was caught he was clear that his intention was not to restore our marriage, though at that time the A had not come to light.
He has traveled all over the world with this woman on business, living purely in a fantasy world of fine dining, premier hotels and none of the banalities of reality. They live on separate coasts so they were only together on these trips and apparently both were planning on leaving their P to be together. Now he is begging me not to file for divorce on grounds of adultery - but I think it has more to do with the public implications, than being remorseful. In our state adultery is a misdeamnor and he does not want that on his record. He is also very scared of ruining his relationship with our daughters - they are all over the age of 19 - and they would never look at him the same.
He says he loves me but not like a W - yet he does not want me to file for D. He said he is afraid that I will hate him for the rest of my life, he is afraid we can never rekindle our passion, he says he is afraid of loosing the respect and love of his daughters. He says he has no passion for me (because he has poured it all on the OW) so I am left wondering why I should not file for D. I love him with all my heart and soul, and will always love him. I can not even picture myself wanting to get involved with another person, he was my forever love.
My entire married life was dedicated to raising our family, including taking care of his parents as they were declining. I was with them both when they passed, my H was not. So this is truly one of the worse nightmares to me as I feel I have come to the end of my shelf life and he was upgrading me for a newer model.
I have gone from wanting to save the marriage at all costs, to spending every minute reading books on surviving an A, to talking to every woman I know who has been through it and rebuilt. I also read the book Cheating In A Nutshell It is all about the A from the perspective of the BS. Unlike the other books it focuses on the trauma the BS experience.
For almost BS (I know 6) it took about 10 years to feel they fully trusted again. I am so confused, as that seems like a mental prison to me... where I bear all the risk, yet my heart pulls me in that direction.
This weekend I gave him an ultimatum, her or me, make a choice. He has not been able to make a choice. Is it because this is all so fresh? I am truly crushed. What I want is for him to tell me he loves me and will do anything he has to in order to win me back.
I am grateful for the posts on this forum as they have given me the hope that I am not alone, they have given me the wisdom to know it is not my fault, they have given me the courage to know that this too shall pass and I will come out the other side (whatever that looks like) ... heartbroken
22 comments posted: Tuesday, September 10th, 2024
