Is reconciliation possible?

11 weeks ago I found out my husband have a 2 year affair (one year PA, one year EA) 12 years ago. I know it's early days and I know recovery takes 2-5 years but I am just so upset and angry and feel like my life is hopeless. We have both been counselling, we had lots of stress in our lives at the time (not that that excuses it) and I do believe my husband has been faithful since and has changed in many ways and is continuing to change. However, I cannot stop shaming him for what he did to me and our children no matter how hard I try and I go on and on and on. Other days are better, but every few days I revert to shaming. I just want him to feel my pain. He is doing everything right, accepting responsibility, reading the books, taking on all the work at home, going counselling. I believe he is a good man who did a bad thing and therefore believe he deserves forgiveness and I DESPERATELY want to forgive him and be with him and we really do love each other so much I just don't know if I'll ever be capable of moving on from this
How will I know if I am capable of forgiveness and we can reconcile? Is forgiveness and reconciliation sometimes impossible no matter what you want?

13 comments posted: Tuesday, April 1st, 2025

Compartmentalisation/narcissism

I found out 8 weeks ago that my husband had a two year affair 12 years ago. Turns out back in his army day he had a 2 year affair with his best friends wife who lived in army accommodation with their kids, one of which he became god son too whilst he had a long term girlfriend. They then moved to Germany, he moved in with his girlfriend, had another affair with a colleague (both unprotected) then a year later he split up with his girlfriend and we got together. I knew about his affair with the colleague but not about the affair with the best man's wife...if I had, I would have seen red flags and run!

Fast forward 4 years, we have twins and marry and he asked best friend to be his best man so unbeknownst to me his ex AP is at our wedding. One year later I conceive and third child, the best friend and his wife moved back to the UK and he starts a sexting relationship with her which turns physical whe my third child is born. They had sex 6 times over a year when her husband is away with army, 3 times when she was pregnant and 3 times after she gave birth 🤮. They then continued a sexting affair for another year during which we go to their vow renewal!!!! The sexting drifts off and in 2013 the best friend discovers old texts and the friendship and affair ends and I was never told.

Life got easier as kids got older and all I'm all we have had a great marriage last 12 years until I get a text from the best man's wife (I have had sporadic texts from her over years and turns out my husband kept in contact with her sporadically too to keep her sweet and keep the affair secret). She texts me her and my husband had an affair, refuses to give any details and now has a new man do I'm assuming she's cheated on her husband again. She said she wanted my husband to face the consequences of his actions...she didn't do it for me, she wasn't apologetic at all, it was pure spite.for what is worth...she fat, ugly, thick and an alcoholic and I know she probably thinks she has one up on me but she really isn't a catch!

So, after a day of lies and trickle truth my husband finally admitted it all.

He tells me he has changed and was stupid and he regrets it and has been so remorseful and started counselling.

His counsellor believes he has compartmentalised the affair. She also stayed that as he hasn't cheated since, he is like an alcoholic who removes drink but never dealt with the issue behind drinking. I am concerned by this all because:

A) the morality of it...who shags their best mates wife then becomes godfather to his son, invites him to be best man at his wedding and goes to his vow renewal? Who leaves his wife, who has pnd and childhood trauma with two toddlers and a newborn to shag someone

B) He finally told me he didn't use protection and he swears none of her kids are his but by the ages they could be and we have had to do std tests. I can't believe he would risk my sexual health all these years and he believes she was having other affairs so knew she was dirty

C) he has an affair with her and another girl during his last relationship so has NEVER been faithful

D) he didn't end the affair, the friend found the messages after two years, he didn't once try to end the affair

E) during that time I gave birth, had a 30th birthday, my kids started school, I had illnesses that led to hospitalisation, we had christening and weddings and he carried on this facade throughout

F) he actually said in counselling last week that if someone had given him a checklist only two months ago he would have said he was a loyal, honest husband...he literally felt no guilt or remorse about the affair until it came to light!

Is he a sociopath? A narcissist? Can he ever be safe? He is so upset, disgusted, ashamed and remorseful now he's taken a long hard look in the mirror and seen who he really is. He really doesn't want to be that man anymore but can he ever change?

Any advice appreciated for me and him! Thank you 💓

13 comments posted: Tuesday, March 18th, 2025

Photos and memories

Hi I'm 9 weeks out from finding out my husband had a 2 year affair (1 year PA and 1 year EA) 12 years ago. It was with his best man's wife and when my 3 rd child was born. This means SHE is in my wedding pictures and I feel the memories and photos of my child's first 2 years including Christmas, holidays, birthdays and christening are all tainted by his betrayal 😩
We are working on reconciliation and he is doing everything he can to repair the damage he caused but what do I do about the memories and photos? If it was from before the kids, I'd chuck the photos but I can't chuck my child's baby pics.

Anyone else in this situation? What did you do?

14 comments posted: Monday, March 10th, 2025

Please help I'm drowning in sadness

Hello,
I really hope someone can help me. Six weeks ago I received a text from an old friend - she was my husband's best man's wife and the mother of his godson and he had known her for over 25 years since their army days.
Out of the blue, she texted me whilst I was at my new job and told me she had had an affair with my husband years ago and he had to pay the consequences as it was part of the reason her marriage had finally broken down. I was shocked and ran outside to ring my husband who told me he had a two year affair with her in the army before we got together. I was cross he hadn't told me and she was part of my wedding but went back to work and told him we would deal with it later. He went on to text me apologetic texts saying I'd never get over it and it dawned on me it must have happened during our 20 marriage. He fiercely denied this before finally admitting it 8 hours and hundreds of texts later. He then went to work and left me to come home distraught to my teenage kids who had to see me sobbing and vomiting.
He moved out to a hotel for a few days but I was in a terrible state and got put on sleeping tablets and beta blockers by the doctor. He eventually came back as I had no one else to comfort me.
He has been extremely remorseful and I've finally got the full truth as much as he can remember as it was 12 years ago. He basically reignited an affair with her when I was pregnant that was mainly sexting and 4 sexual encounters when my 3 rd child was 8 weeks old and I was struggling with pnd and her husband was away with the army and she was 5 months pregnant 🤮. Followed by more sexting then 3 more sexual encounters 6 months later when she had given birth and her husband, his best friend, was away again and I was undergoing operations and health problems Then more sexting for a year until we went to her and his best friends vow renewal! It then fizzled out but they continued to text as friends until 6 months later her husband found their texts. Contact ended for a year but no one told me. She then texted him sporadically to check in as a friend until recently and he then texted back to 'keep his secret safe'. She was/is highly unattractive and alcoholic and he says he did it because it was easy,, in a plate, a thrill, an ego boost etc
He has since been so remorseful, had counselling and been reading books etc
I have spent the last two years processing childhood trauma, family illness, estrangement and caring for autistic kids whilst studying and dealing with anxiety and health conditions and this has tipped my mental health over the edge.
He tells me he has changed and was stupid and he regrets it but I can't cope with the morality of it...who shags their best mates wife then becomes godfather to his son, invites him to be best man at his wedding and goes to his vow renewal? Who leaves his wife, who has pnd and childhood trauma with two toddlers and a newborn to shag an ugly alcoholic. Who makes those decisions consistently over 2 years then keeps it secret. Oh and he finally told me he didn't use protections and he swears none of her kids are his but by the ages they could be and we have had to do std tests! I just can't understand this and feel he is a 'bad' person. My mental health mentor says its because my worldview and black and white thinking from childhood trauma means I split things into good and bad. I just feel so silly for trusting him and feel I have no chance of happiness with or without him. I feel he has stolen my past, present and future. I feel like I am homeless, loveless, worthless and I'll never get happy again 😢
Can this ever work? Can I ever forgive him with my trauma background? I'm exploring EMDR, I just want to forget it all. I love him and our life and I want to make it work and I'm scared of being on my own and have no family support or close friends. Will it ever get better?

33 comments posted: Tuesday, March 4th, 2025