3 years out // self esteem still in the toilet

Hi all,

I'm new to this board, so please forgive me for the rambling post. Roughly 3 years ago, I discovered (10 minutes after being intimate) that my partner of 16 years had a girlfriend. He was pushing 40 at the time (I was 36), and the girlfriend was a beautiful little 24-year-old co-worker who doted on his every word.

I am a decently successful, attractive professional, and, at the time of my D-Day, I would say that I felt pretty good about myself. I acknowledged my imperfections (of which there are, of course, many)--but I really did not spend a great deal of time dwelling on them. I believed I was a good catch, and I was absolutely livid when I learned what was going on behind my back.

In the weeks and months following D-Day, I came to understand that my partner was deep in the throes of a very clichéd midlife crisis. I'm talking new car, new tattoos, new hobbies, new sense of style -- you name it. He repeatedly assured me that he loved me more than anything but that he despised himself and had no idea who he was or what he would become after 40. He also told me, for roughly 4 months after D-Day, that he believed he had fallen in love with (and was very attracted to) his 24-year-old girlfriend, though he had stopped seeing her because his love for me and our life was purportedly much deeper. Then, around month 7 or 8, the affair fog seemed to lift, and he told me that he found the girlfriend "repulsive" and believed she was a bad person.

Fast-forward to today. My partner is now 43, and he seems to have completely moved past mid-life crisis mode. We are still a couple, and he is present and supportive at home and seems to be thriving at work. While the girlfriend is still his co-worker, my partner assures me that he does not have contact with her -- and I have seen no evidence to the contrary.

Despite all the foregoing, in an unexpected turn of events, I believe that I am now entering my own version of a mid-life crisis. I am about to turn 40, and I find myself spending a great deal of time obsessing over my imperfections and comparing myself to that beautiful 24-year-old who blew up my life 3 years ago. If I allow myself, I will spend hours a day combing through her social media photos and beating myself up over the slight fine lines on my face, the errant gray hairs that pop up every so often, and the extra 5 pounds I can't seem to shed from my thighs. I am painfully aware that I cannot compare with a woman in her 20s in the appearance or "fun" department. On a good day, I do not care too much. But on a bad day, the negative, obsessive feelings can be debilitating. The cherry on the sundae is that whenever I am intimate with my partner now, I wonder whether he is thinking of her. Why would he ever want me after loving someone who looked like her? Does he daydream about her? Does he stare at her longingly at work? Does he feel disappointed to have ended up with someone like me?

These are the thoughts that run through my head far more often than is healthy. Has anyone experienced something similar? I realize that my emotions may seem petty and rather immature -- especially 3 years later -- but they are incredibly difficult to navigate nonetheless. Infidelity haunts me in a way that nothing else ever has.

I would appreciate any advice you guys can offer. Thank you. <3

18 comments posted: Thursday, February 6th, 2025