Me: BH 32 Her: WW 30Heartbroken But in love with a very remorseful W
Hardest Time of my life
Hey guys. I’m new to these forums although I’ve been lurking here a few months. It’s finally come to a head. That moment where I try to figure out what I mentally can put up with. I hate that this happened. This first post may not be the whole story. I’ll try to post one on my Bio later. Or maybe here? Idk.
My WW betrayed me and became well…a WW. I was deployed and my wife had a weight loss surgery before I did. I was stationed in Germany with her. Well my time in Germany was almost up and we have a beautiful little 3 year old girl. She is so gorgeous. My wife was going through a rather crazy transformational period and also got sent back stateside since I didn’t have a lot of time left after my deployment. She ended up getting a job at a bar. Once this happened I did voice it made me feel uncomfortable but I trusted her. I told her what to look out for. I did everything I could to make sure I was mentally strong and of course told her what to watch out for. She always played like it wasn’t a big deal. That she was just working. She would go to work and got into playing poker, stay at the bar till 2 am and told me when she was going home. We FaceTimed everyday. And then the day came where she called me crying, saying she had an affair with another man. 7 encounters, 4 times they had sex. I was a broken numb mess. I was a numb mess. I told her that she either come back to Germany to finish my tour with me or it was over. She paid for a plane ticket immediately and we left our daughter with my parents to work over the next 4 months with counseling and therapy. I’ll add after the 1st month I told her I wanted to see my daughter, so she flew back, was only able to get a flight so close so she got a rental, drove 12 hours to get my daughter from my parents and then flew back to me. We have struggled, it got dark. We have cried. Now here I am stationed back in the states 7-8 months later. I’m still struggling.
What am I struggling with? The sexual acts. No I’m not one of those guys who "my wife did things she never would do with me" no. I guess in that department, I’m lucky. I got every terrible thing she did out of her in her short affair. 2.5 months long by the way.
After the hysterical bonding though, I’m still finding out I love my wife and I am so attracted to her, but not what she did..not who she was during that time. She is not that person. Not normally. She’s in therapy and I’m in coaching with a marine who he and his wife been through this and we talk everyday. This week we have a couples meeting with him and his wife who also cheated on him. He’s 4 years out. Some days I feel okay, sometimes I’m like "I cannot believe she did this." I’m disgusted I’m angry, yet in love with her and my family. My little girl deserves to together happy parents and I deserve to have happiness, but there is injustice here. We go to church now. My wife has told all her friends and even told my parents the day she confessed to me, without me even bringing it up. Then she told hers, she told a lot of our closest family friends and has been so remorseful.
I commend her for her bravery for coming out and telling me unprompted and dealing with my onslaught of insults. Me flipping tables. All of that. She doesn’t want to lose me, and I honestly don’t want to lose her. We have only been married 5 years, but I’ve known her since I was 15. Her mom died when she was 11. Her dad was physically abusive, a drunk, and cheated on her mom multiple times. She was married before me prematurely for a short time where she got married and had stillborn twins, they died and her previous husband didn’t care. I’ve known this girl for so long and when we finally got together we were the power couple. Somewhere along the line that got lost and all her insecurities and her never feeling good enough for me (which she had always said) caught up to her. Her trauma has now given me trauma. I can’t excuse what my wife did, I won’t. I have more self respect than that. We still have sex and we still cuddle and love once I was able to. It took me 4 months to get to that point.
I’ll be able to post everything in detail at some point, but is there in Betrayed husbands (BH) or Wayward wives (WW) here that can give me any hope that I can weather this storm? That we can make this work which is both our hope? Or will the thoughts about what she did physically consume me and I’ll never be able to crawl out of this? I’m a pretty mentally tough guy, but I do not know how to deal with the images and the thought that she even dared to go that way with another person. She always hated her father for cheating on her mom. But now I’m a victim of her cheating. 8 months in, I’m not even close to being healed. I’m more mentally stable but dammit I just want her. Im not afraid of being alone. I’m afraid to not have her be my forever because we have spent half our lives knowing each other and bringing victories. Always loving one another. Is it hopeless for us men to overcome to emasculation? The pain? The ability to get past it but not forget it? I do not think this will happen again, especially since she confessed, something I wouldn’t have ever known. Or am I just being dumb and hopeful?
14 comments posted: Tuesday, February 11th, 2025
