Fearing his heartbreak

Back story: Learned of my husbands emotional affair (which included kissing) 6 months ago. Separated for about 5 of those months (which was him leaving me and waiting for his AP to leave her husband for a month and then trying to find himself when she stayed with her husband for the other 4 months). I was devastated and lived in shock for most of the time. 20 years together, 18 years married, been thru major health ups and downs, life had become stressful and we were living mostly like friends (but a friend wouldn't even betray another friend like this). I became so depressed and was barely functioning, if it weren't for our 11 year old daughter I would have given up.
Current issue: He decided to come home, wants to be a family, wants our marriage to work. I was thankful but worried. We discussed my terms: phone records, check ins, location sharing, marriage counseling (he and I have been doing separate counseling), no more contact with AP, typical expectations. He moved back in but it has been more awkward than joyous. Ovetime, he has expressed to me that he was deeply in love with her (although she was 25 years younger and would probably never leave her family) but he still seems to view it as true love. So, he has moping around like a heartbroken teenager instead of middleaged husband who destroyed his family. He seems more heartbroken over losing this lustful relationship and seems to be just settling to be at home. He tells me he loves me but seems awkward when we are alone or if I suggest alone time. He hasn't really complied with my initial terms either - I am still waiting for him to set up our couples session with his therapist, i haven't received any phone records, if I question what, where, why anything he gets defensive and claims "this was probably a mistake, I will never make you happy."
I have a lot of fear that comes from this entire episode that was really out of the blue and completely unlike him. I am not necessarily worried at this point that the affair is or will start up again but I worry that my husbands personality has completely changed and I am not sure who he is anymore. I fear he will never get over this deep love he had. We had a good, blessed life but he seems to have lost site of that and I fear that he will never be "in love" with me again and only love me as the mother of his child. In the grand scale, this is still pretty new (its been 6 months of hell but feels like a lifetime) so I have been trying to be patient but I don't feel confident in finding the love we once shared.
- Mentally he has been so different and unstable at times so I have tried to be patient. I have read that he needs time to grieve his loss and cope with his guilt and shame - but when do I stop being so understanding and more assertive with MY needs without making him feel pressured?
- Do I not bother wasting my time on someone who can't value and respect me and take the plunge for the D? or do I wait it out and see if time will heal him?
- I understand all situations are different and complex - but any advice, I would be grateful for. I am still in shock to be in this situation.

8 comments posted: Wednesday, February 26th, 2025