How long will I be angry?

So hi all. Just found out 3/11 that my husband has been lying to me for at least 5 years about all sorts of inappropriate behavior which escalated to a PA that started March 2023 if not earlier. I found out because his AP messaged me on Facebook with screenshots. According to him, he blocked her months ago so now she was trying to hurt him and me since she couldn’t have him anymore. I had seen porn on his phone in early February which was upsetting because he’d always told me how terrible he thought the porn industry was and how it cheapened sex with your partner. We talked about it, he promised there was no one else, I read the book Come As You Are at his suggestion and we had pretty much the best month of our relationship. Now it’s obviously terrible. I had always had his passwords and phone access. He didn’t even delete all previous evidence (he did delete their messages at some point, I guess whenever it was that he blocked her) despite me always having access. Now I feel so naive. It was there, all this time.

I was angry but mostly devastated at first. Then came the TT with further confessions on 3/28 when I caught him in a lie via the messages she sent me (she made a new Facebook profile after I blocked her, changed my name, and changed my profile picture—I stupidly didn’t change my wall photo so that’s how she got me—where she posted 67 screenshots of their messages) where HE said something about what he did to her that he told me he didn’t do. I didn’t go to read them all, I intended to look at nothing but the date where the messages started because I desperately needed a timeline and he said he didn’t know, but I saw some things. Some insanely hurtful things. So I started over from the beginning of my healing, told him that his selfishness set us back and made it even less likely that I will trust him in future. I told him that if he doesn’t tell me the truth and we reconcile, that he needs to know that I don’t love him and don’t want him. He said he was afraid that telling me the truth would "hurt" me more even though he’s already been reading the books that say BE ENTIRELY TRUTHFUL. He was worried that if I knew the details I would have a hard time doing those things with him in the future. But since that time he has offered up some information on his own, I guess trying to prove that he is doing it right.

He started IC on Friday and has another session tomorrow. We have started MC. I resumed IC with my counselor the day after I found out. My husband is ex-army, drank too much, felt unloved as a child etc etc all the things that can lead a man to stray. He was seeking validation because he couldn’t clearly communicate what he needed from me (again cue the childhood issues). It didn’t help that I had a stroke in the months before Covid and was put on meds that killed my sex drive and our kids were 2 and 3 at the time and then his best friend died so yes. Lots of stressful factors all at once.

Since the secondary confession, im just constantly furious. We have a 7 and 8 year old. They can tell something is wrong. Spending time together as a "family" makes me feel like I’m on the verge of panic which is devastating because I so so so LOVED my life before this. I loved my relationship with him. I loved watching him with the kids. Now I see a stranger and his touch feels repulsive.

I know everyone is different. How long did everyone stay angry? I know im going to cycle through all the different stages but this is the longest I’ve been trapped in anger and definitely the deepest loathing I’ve felt yet. And I hate feeling this way.

ETA: His facade was that of a perfect husband and father. I thought he was too good to be true.

3 comments posted: Sunday, March 30th, 2025