WS
D-Day: July 15th 2025
Wishing I could turn back time

Wish I was more scared of D before I had the A

During the A… Well, maybe I need to say "my affair" and actually own it… I always assumed that if I got caught, H and I would still stay together, if not romantically, then at least for our 4 yo daughter.

He recently started having this crisis where he realized that everyone he’s ever loved has hurt him: both of his parents (abuse, neglect, failure to safeguard), his ExW (emotional abuse and neglect, sabotage), his older daughters (abandonment in suspected retaliation for our relationship), and now, me (deceit, infidelity.) He’s asked me repeatedly whether I thought about the consequences of the affair on our marriage, and whether I thought it was worth potentially losing him over… I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I didn’t think he was going anywhere. I told him I "just didn’t think it through" and that I thought that the A would end on its own and be swept under the rug forever. (The last half of that is true, but certainly not the quotes.)

I don’t have the heart to tell him the whole truth about what I assumed. I don’t have the heart to tell him, when he asks what it is about him that causes his loved ones to hurt him, and what’s wrong with him that he still loves them and caters to them and chases their affection afterwards, that maybe he shouldn’t… Well, do that.

And I know that’s selfish, but I’m absolutely terrified of losing him now. I literally do not know what I would do without him. (And of course in my head, there’s still a little voice going "just tell him that you understand and that you’ll always wait for him, and then stay single, and probably in less than a year, he’ll come crawling back to you because you’re better than loneliness or having to start all over." Isn’t that just f***ed?)

And when the A was going on, I genuinely wasn’t able to conceptualize the consequences for H. Like, I knew that it would "hurt." I didn’t know the extent of that hurt, the absolute devastation, PTSD, physical symptoms, loss of self esteem, etc. etc., nor all the effects it would have on our relationship. People have asked me, "Well didn’t you think about how you would feel if he did that to you?" Yes, I did, but to be fair, I don’t think I would feel the same way at all. Like I think I would be upset if he lied to me repeatedly. But I don’t think I would be quite so hurt by the actual… interactions with an AP. I would wonder what it is that I’m not giving him, and figure out if I can give those things to him, and if I couldn’t, then, well… why shouldn’t he have two partners, especially if he’s still meeting all of my needs? I don’t think I’ve ever even experienced jealousy in that way; I just don’t think I have that brainfold.

I am experiencing a little bit of anxiety about losing him, though. Like if he were to have a revenge A, I would understand… but there is a tiny part of me that worries that a new love might be more exciting to him than a nearly decade old relationship, and what if she treats him better (you know, the way I did in the beginning)… and he leaves me? Even worse, what if he stays with me until our daughter leaves the nest, when I’m in my 40s, and then leaves me? I think I would just simply die if that happened. Or maybe (and I stress that this is a joke) I’d have to just take both of us out.

I guess this is just the consequence, isn’t it? This is what I have to live with now, because I went and caught feelings for a colleague on a two week work trip, and exchanged numbers, and sexted him, and tried to make plans to meet up with him again, and suspected he was lying to me, and failed to cut it off at any of those points.

This sucks so bad.

10 comments posted: Thursday, September 4th, 2025