Old betrayal new evidence - how the timeline changed
I am trying to put this in order because the timeline is part of what has made it so hard to process.
In September 2025 the truth first came out that my husband went to prostitutes years ago and had also had an emotional affair with a co worker and that was devastating enough.
Then in February 2026 bank statements I received after a data request clarified more of the timeline and I found out that the Amsterdam stag weekend happened just days after we had come back from a couples holiday.
It was 24 years ago but I only know the fuller truth now so for him it may feel old but for me it is new.
It was six prostitutes - four in the UK and then two in Amsterdam. There was also the emotional affair with a co worker on top of this so it is not one isolated thing I am trying to process.
I also remember going to the doctor for STI issues and he denied everything. I was trying to understand what was happening to my own body while he knew there had been risk and still let me believe there was nothing to know.
That is what feels so violating. Not just the sex but the money, the health risk, the denial and the years of me not being given the truth or the choice I deserved.
What I cannot get my head around is how he compartmentalised it for years - how he came home and carried on as though nothing had happened. How he went on to have children with me, celebrate birthdays and anniversaries with me and live a whole family life while knowing what he had done and what he had kept from me.
How do you process something that happened decades ago when your body and mind are reacting to it as if it has just happened?
3 comments posted: Saturday, June 13th, 2026
Humiliation of an emotional affair
There is another part of the betrayal I am trying to process and it feels different from the prostitutes (posted seperately) because this person was actually brought near my life.
Years ago my husband had an emotional affair with a co worker. He introduced me to her at his work drinks on two occasions and she was nasty to me and the whole situation made me uncomfortable.
What I cannot get my head around is that on the third occasion I met both her and her husband while her husband was also completely clueless and I recall her sneering at me at the bar and wearing provocative clothing whilst he told me to dress "modestly" as it was a "work colleague" - she was not even in his department.
Later she inserted herself into things that should have had nothing to do with her - she got him to carry a mobile phone to Cyprus to take to her friend and recommended a horrible hotel and somehow became part of our holiday. Her Cypriot friend knew it and was rude to me and also looked at me with that sympathy look - but I had no proof.
After that she also gave us a movie 'Eyes Wide Shut' and told him to "watch it with your wife" and if you know the film it is not exactly appropriate.
He used to mention her name frequently and say that she was unhappy as her husband was much older and she was not being "satisfied" in her marriage. I pulled him up and said she had ill intentions and he defended her saying she "needed someone to talk to" until I said what would he think if a man shared his poor sex life with me.
After that he moved offices so she disappeared. Later I got pregnant and he used to say how beautiful Russian women were as she declared herself Russian although later switched to being Ukrainian. I accidentally bumped into her after I had the baby and she looked venomous when I unknowingly said how happy we were.
At the time those things were confusing and irritating but now they feel loaded because I did not know what was really going on. I was being polite and trying to make sense of someone who was already too close to my marriage while he knew far more than I did.
That is the part that makes me feel sick as it was not only that there was an emotional affair but that I was brought near it without knowing. Her husband did not know either and we were both clueless while they carried whatever this was between them.
I think I am struggling with the humiliation of being around her and not knowing what she represented. The fact that she was able to be nasty to me and insert herself into my life while he let it happen and yes it is all on him. Then years later I am left looking back at those moments with a completely different understanding.
How do you process memories where the other person was actually in your life and you did not know what they really represented?
0 comment posted: Saturday, June 13th, 2026
Chosen for stability rather than love
One of the hardest things I keep coming back to is the fear that I may have been chosen more for stability than for love.
The person who kept things going.
The home.
The family.
The practical life.
The one who would still be there.
What hurts is the possibility that I may have been central in function but not in feeling and needed/relied on/trusted with responsibility - but not deeply wanted in the way I believed I was.
I know people and motivations are complicated, but emotionally that does not soften and leaves a very painful question behind: was I truly chosen or was I the safe and stable option while excitement validation or desire were sought elsewhere?
Has anyone else struggled with that specific wound and if so how did you make sense of it in your own mind.
31 comments posted: Friday, May 29th, 2026
The difference between suspecting and later knowing
I am struggling with the difference between suspecting something at the time and then much later having evidence or information that changes the whole timeline. For me the later knowing has landed in a completely different and much more devastating wayas it is not just confirming an old suspicion - it is the way later truth can change the meaning of things you lived through at the time and make old memories and decisions feel very different.
Has anyone else experienced that - where later evidence changed the whole picture and made everything hit much harder. I am not looking for graphic details just how others made sense of that in their own mind... Thank you.
23 comments posted: Sunday, May 17th, 2026
How do people live a double life without it showing?
Hi...I keep coming back to the feeling that I did not really know my husband at all and that is something I am finding hard to process.
I cannot quite understand how someone can live a double life like that and still come home and carry on as normal - not just in day to day life but through birthdays, holidays, children being born, moving house, special occasions and all the moments that felt real and meaningful to me.
What I struggle with most is how someone can compartmentalise to that extent and keep going as if nothing is wrong and find myself wondering how their morals can seem so separate from the life they are living with their partner and family. I also struggle to understand how someone can do that and not seem weighed down by guilt at least not let it show and that disconnect is one of the hardest parts for me to make sense of.
For those who have been through something similar how did you begin to process that in your own mind? I am not looking for graphic detail, just your perspective. Thank you
27 comments posted: Saturday, April 25th, 2026
Betrayal discovered after 24 years – observing what comes next
Hi everyone
I am new here and wanted to introduce myself and share a brief summary of my situation.
I have been married for 28 years and with my husband for 29. We have two children and have built a full life together. Over the years we have supported each other through health issues, parenting and difficult family dynamics.
Recently I discovered that early in our marriage during these difficult times, before we had children, my husband was unfaithful multiple times. This included seeing sex workers on four occasions in this country, and two back to back brothel visits during a stag trip in Amsterdam. Six altogether.
He also had an inappropriate emotional involvement at that time with a married work colleague who was unhappy in her relationship and confided in my husband about her lack of intimacy at home. I had a strong suspicion about this at the time but was reassured it was platonic.
He even introduced me to her, and she was openly unpleasant towards me. At one point she lent him a copy of the movie "Eyes Wide Shut" and suggested he watch it with me, which in hindsight feels inappropriate given what was going on. We also met socially as couples, which now feels deeply uncomfortable.
I have since learned they kissed on two occasions and met for secret drinks repeatedly.
All of this was hidden from me for 24 years.
The discovery has been extremely difficult. I went through shock, anger, disgust and constant mental replay, which I know many of you will understand. I now feel I finally have the details I need for my own clarity and I am no longer asking questions about the past.
At the moment I am in an observation phase. He has expressed guilt and wants to move forward, and I have been clear that rebuilding requires trust, honesty, transparency and accountability. I am focusing on how he shows up now rather than continuing to dissect what has already happened, as I have already spent months dealing with nightmares and intrusive thoughts.
I am not in a place of making any final decisions yet. I am taking the next few weeks to observe behaviour, stay grounded and see whether this relationship aligns with my standards going forward.
I would appreciate hearing from others who are further along in this process, especially around rebuilding trust and managing the emotional waves.
Thank you
ButterflyInProgress
21 comments posted: Friday, April 17th, 2026
