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Newest Member: ConstantlyConfused

The Book Club :
"You Should Have Known"

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 mamazen (original poster member #42137) posted at 11:47 PM on Tuesday, December 30th, 2014

by Jean Hanff Korelitz

Anyone else read this? I just finished it, and I really related! It's fiction, about a marriage counsellor whose belief is that there is no excuse for not knowing in advance that a person is bad for you; there are so many signs that are missed, and it's our fault….and she is just about to become famous for writing a book on that subject. Then, her "perfect" marriage unravels, she finds out things about her husband that are downright psychopathic (don't want to give spoilers). I kind of loved watching her fall…and to see her lose her judgemental attitude and gain some compassion for her clients.

I related because I went through a bit of that; being surprised that my WH had a secret life that I had no idea of before…I was kind of glad to see her get her (metaphoric) ass kicked for being so darn judgemental!

mamazen


me 57
WH 58
married 19 years
separated since 3/2013 (in house until 8/2013)
D FINAL! Sept 10 2014
D-day Dec 21 2013 (after separation)
2 sons 17 and 13
OW = family friend and WH work colleague, going on m

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Skye ( member #325) posted at 2:30 PM on Monday, January 5th, 2015

I recently read this book and came away with very different feelings than you did. I didn't see her as judgmental at all. I saw her as a good professional and thought she handled her situation quite appropriately. (This is why I love to discuss books--many of us "read" things differently.)

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cayc ( member #21964) posted at 4:57 AM on Sunday, January 18th, 2015

So of course I had to read this! And finished in just a few days lol.

It's really good. Well written. Believable (except maybe the healing time line was a tad quick). So much to relate to. Not deeply triggery since it's a very sympathetic portrayal of a BS, but yeah, there were a couple of "ooh" damn, I know that feeling" moments.

Spoiler alert.

The ending, when the WH wrote that mind-bending manipulative bs letter asking her to come join him???? Holy fuck. Can you imagine if she'd received that letter earlier? It would have hoovered her right back in.

The not knowing who her WH really was AND EVERYONE ELSE DID. Fuck, btdt.

Thinking she had "grown up" and had the life she really wanted but it turned out all to be built on a lie and untrue. Fuck, btdt.

When she tries to sell the Birken bag and finds it's a fake. Oof. I took a guilt gift (diamond tennis bracelet) my xWH gave me to a jeweler to sell and as I handed it over I said "it's entirely possible it's not real", but thankfully it was.

That so many people blamed her for what was happening!

That at first EVERYONE thought she knew! And had known! Because yeah, that's why women stay with philanderers, because they know and choose to turn a blind eye. Yeah, right

That her WH had isolated her from everyone. Her childhood best friend, his family, her family, the other mothers at the school, (all the while making her think it was her idea) so that when the rug was ripped out from underneath her feet she had NO ONE to turn to.

That the forced NC imposed on her by her WH saved her. She got to avoid doing the pick me dance. She got to avoid the aching pull of wanting someone standing in front of you but not trusting them unless you can see every text, email etc. Truly, that NC saved her bacon since by the time the hoovering happened she was so detached she did the right thing (although again quite realistically I thought, the cop had to tell her that once again her husband was lying to her and manipulating her, she still didn't see it, even at the end).

That as you went back over in your own mind things that had been stated (like when the friendship with another couple ended, and the WH blamed her saying she must have done something to make the other wife hate her) and then later when you find out what her WH really is, you the reader think back on that and realize "oh" and that in fact the other couple rejected them BECAUSE of the WH's behavior.

That having kids in terms of healing helps you. That she had to focus on caring for her son meant she stepped outside of herself and did that. I've always thought that having children, from that perspective, was beneficial. Healing is always aided by giving to someone else.

That the kid, as young as he was KNEW TOO. That even not really understanding, he saw. He understood something wasn't right, and that whatever it was, was not a good thing.

As for the treatment of the main character. She knew she came off as holier than thou. And when she finally realized that whoever she was married to wasn't the guy she thought, a good portion of her pain was realizing that maybe she didn't know what she thought she did. That she was embarrassed. It was all so public. How I could relate to that! That you are the subject of gossip. That recognition that nothing, NOTHING, is as you thought, even who you thought you were! I also liked how the book really focused on her, and not on detailing what a fuckwad her WH is. It gave you enough detail to realize that he was sociopathic but didn't delve into it. The point was to tell her story. That moment when things go wrong and you start to wonder, and then proof arrives and then oh. Just oh.

My only criticism of the story was her healing timeline was pretty fast. But maybe the sequel will show her grappling with triggers moving forward lol.

[This message edited by cayc at 11:01 PM, January 17th, 2015 (Saturday)]

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StillLivin ( member #40229) posted at 9:17 PM on Sunday, January 18th, 2015

Hmmm, when I get a break in homework load, I'll have to download it and read it. Definitely sounds interesting.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB: 7/2/2014

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id 7083830
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nolight ( member #32785) posted at 11:15 AM on Monday, February 9th, 2015

I've read it twice! I did see the protagonist as rather cold and stoic at the start but loved how her character developed as the story progressed.

The authors books all seem to be feminist in nature and deal with infidelity so may be of interest to the audience here, I also really liked the Sabbath Day River and am really excited about her upcoming book, The White Rose :)

[This message edited by nolight at 5:18 AM, February 9th (Monday)]

We make our own fortunes and call them fate, and what better excuse to choose a path then to insist it's our destiny.

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JellyGirl84 ( member #41717) posted at 6:27 PM on Friday, December 25th, 2015

This book was very good. Obviously, all of us can find it relatable in that we were totally blindsided.

And then... I dated this guy recently who was in the middle of his own divorce, non-affair-related. He had the gall to tell me that I "must've known" what kind of guy I was marrying; that surely I could've foreseen the way the events unfolded if I had only taken the time to notice.

Well, I suppose I knew my xwh wasn't the man I needed him to be but I would have never thought he'd end our marriage by having an exit affair.

"Everyone can master a grief but he that has it."

-William Shakespeare

BW, 35
Dday in Nov. '13
Divorced in June '14

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Skye ( member #325) posted at 4:02 PM on Monday, December 28th, 2015

He had the gall to tell me that I "must've known" what kind of guy I was marrying; that surely I could've foreseen the way the events unfolded if I had only taken the time to notice.

Not to get political, but I have to say that when there was a shooting recently and many in the public claimed the shooters' families had to know what they were doing, I triggered terribly. I was so blindsided by my husband's affair that whenever I hear that "you should have known" statement, I almost go back to D-day, which was 100 years ago. I do know that now while I will never accuse someone of "knowing" something, I will never claim someone "couldn't" do something.

Thanks for the update on the other books she has written. I will definitely look for them.

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Topic is Sleeping.
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