SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well I just got my daughter into a counselor to help with all the stress she has been dealing with. From bullying, to the divorce, moving, starting a new school and now this pandemic.

I let my ex know she is seeing a counselor and he asked for their name so be can “look them up”. That shouldn’t be an issue. But I know better. He has never asked for the name of the kid’s doctors. Ever. So it made me think, what is he up to. I think he wants to call and speak to the counselor to try and manipulate them. He cant stand anyone thinking he is anything but a perfect Dad. He didnt even think cheating was wrong. So as far as he knows, and anyone he talks to, he is wonderful. And he will do everything he can to keep it that way.

I actually didnt tell the counselor any bad things about him. That is for my daughter to mention. My question is, if he calls the office will they actually allow him to speak to the counselor? So sad that he is doing this. He is part of the reason she needs to speak to someone. He needs to just back off.

Do not be so quick to think that him talking with the counselor is a bad idea.

I am a therapist and I work with teens. I see this all the time where one parent tries to talk to me to blame the other parent for all the problems. It is a tale tale sign in my business that when someone does that, the problem is usually with the parent who is blaming. Good parents work to find a solution instead of blaming others.

Ive had one parent sign their kids up and blame the other parent for all the kids problems. In my business I test each parent with simple to do chores. And then I get my feedback from the child. The parents who heed my advice and at least try are the ones I end up working for pretty much.

In other words... I see bullshit all the time and it gets easy to spot.

[This message edited by Ichthus at 2:16 AM, June 3rd (Wednesday)]

I am just so worried. My daughter is going thru a lot and I am scared. He has already damaged me and has slowly been doing the same to my kids with these petty disgusting guilt trips that he pulls on them. It is so wrong and I feel helpless for them when they are with him. The thought that he could try and influence this therapy, manipulate and make it about about him...he is so good at that. A master. I just wanted to do something for her without him in the way.

Then her seeing a therapist will be good. The therapist will help your child to develop her own thoughts and make decisions for herself. Hopefully you will get a decent therapist. If you dont, do not be afraid to change therapist at any point.

How old is your daughter?

I always tell the parents who are good to play the long game. If your ex really does guilt and shame her, then i almost can guarantee that she will be less likely to have a relationship with him in the long run. but you have to avoid getting sucked into his ways.

YOU CANNOT talk bad about him to your daughter... AT ALL!!!!

You can listen to your daughter vent about him and you can simply agree with her, BUT NEVER can you put him down.

Keep the adult stuff between the adults. A parent who tries to put down the other parent to a child will almost 99% always backfire on that parent. You go find friends and family to vent about your ex.

One of my many titles is custodian of medical records While there are specific instances when access to information can be denied, it’s not the standard. If you both shared custody, the mental health provider is allowed to speak with either one of you

My daughter is 12. The session went well. She said she is open to doing more. I had a feeling she would. She does need the tools to be able to stick up for herself around her father. And not let his guilt trips get the better of her.

I’m so happy she’s in counseling. Please keep her going, but if you want to help her, do not tell her father anything! I learned the hard way.

After my xh totally turned the kids against telling the counselor anything, I got them secretly into another counselor at the domestic violence center. They could talk freely bc I made it their safe space. Their Dad never knew they were going and they learned so many coping skills to deal with him. They still use the skills and they are in their 20’s.

Definitely ask the counselor what she should say when her Dad gets nosey about her appointments. Try not to tell him anything about her still going. I also stopped trying to explain to him what the kids were going thru when he left us. He didn’t care and just twisted everything around.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:18 PM, June 3rd (Wednesday)]