SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven’t posted in a while. I’m reading others posts...

I was wondering if anyone else felt this way....I truly don’t believe WH was a narcissist prior to his affair. He has become narcissistic, manipulative, passive aggressive, mean...interspersed with moments of backhanded compliments that are very visible! He is acting this way towards me as well as to the kids. I unfortunately still have to speak to him (kids and finances only!!!!) and we are still prepping the separation agreement. His primary concern is $$$.... I should be thankful he is not pushing back regarding the kids....my 3 eldest (16,14,12) will not even answer his texts anymore and forget about seeing him!!!

Is this normal...with this personality change remain? Will I have to deal with this ass until my youngest is 18?

I’m so tired of this roller coaster ride...

Sadly I saw my H change during his affair. Selfish. Entitled. Liar. Delusional.

My H actually thought it was ok to Skype with the OW in our home. He actually believed I should support his midlife crisis affair “until he decided what he wanted”.

So I understand what you are facing and it appears to be a common pattern of behavior amongst the cheaters. It’s like a two year old having a meltdown because they want their own way.

I’m sorry for your children as well. They do not deserve this. It’s unfortunate that the cheaters just refuse to see the damage they are causing.

If your H wants a D — he should say so. No one will hate him (in the end) for that. But he doesn’t need to behave like this.

I swear the APs fuel this behavior with the “you deserve to be happy” mentality. SMH

I swear it gives the cheaters something to be United on. The STBX is standing in the way of our happiness blah blah blah. Such childish delusional behavior.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:43 AM, May 14th (Friday)]

Every narcissist is an asshole, but not every asshole is a narcissist.

It is typical for behavior to change during an affair to being very self-centered, very critical of the marriage and often mean.

Sometimes, particularly if you divorce, they stay that way and become embittered and difficult.

Others seem to have more of an epiphany and develop human characteristics again (in my experience, this is rare).

Do you have your own attorney? If so, I would let him/her deal with your WH. It can be much more effective.

Cat

My personal experience is that the way my XWH behaved during the affair was an exacerbation of what was already there. The selfishness, the irresponsibility, the meanness had all reared their ugly head during our marriage. But 1. they were subdued because at that point he still cared about us 2. I kept finding excuses for him, putting it down to life stresses etc.

So I believe the wayward is still the same person, but sort of a caricature of them. The more prominent traits 'exaggerated' but the outline pretty much the same.

You know... I thought my xwh 'became' a narcissistic douchehole during/after the A when I was in the middle of dealing with it.

But now, with the benefit of distance and hindsight, I can see that those tendencies were there all along. Maybe they weren't quite so intensive, but they were there. It has become a lot easier to look at him objectively now in a way I couldn't do before. And it's not a pretty picture really. His entitlement, self-aggrandizing behaviors, his superiority, his immaturity... yeah, those were alllll there from day 1. I overlooked a lot and ignored a lot of red flags because I loved him and because I thought he would change and grow (spoiler alert, he did not).

Thank goodness I didn't have kids with mine, so I was able to cut ties pretty cleanly. It must be really hard to have to still deal with yours.

My XWH was an addict, so it's quite possible that he did "become" a narcissist. I don't see much daylight between active addict and a number of personality disorders all rolled up. I won't ever know of any of the early years were his real self and not some fake face he put on to appear to be more of a decent human. Time makes this irrelevant if you aren't coparenting. I know it has to be so much harder if you are, because the answer to that kind of does matter for the sake of your kids.

Yes. Our counselor said transient narcissism is part of this horror story. 🤢🤢🤢🤮

I found that what changed in my STBXW was that she had become so good at hiding her bad behavior (not just the As, but many other deceptions) that my discovery seemed to free things up for her. Like she could embrace all that behavior in a new and dramatic way and say I was holding her back from being her true self.

Which I guess was true in a way. I was trying to participate with her in a shared commitment, and that was holding her back from being a non-committed sexual adventurer. She had always been that way, but had hidden it and tried to act like a married person. When she couldn't, I became the enemy forcing her to suppress it. Which as far as I'm concerned made our marriage itself a grand deception on her part.

Which is all to say I think these things are always lurking in WSs or they would not be able to embrace them so well.

I can recall now after many years of introspection my XWH had always had narcissistic tendencies.He was always callous about individuals where most would feel bad for them.There was always a lack of human kindness and empathy that took me back when he displayed it.He was good to me for so long because he cared.I was still on a pedestal.When he was done he became this cold uncaring person that was always there.He had nothing to lose anymore in his eyes and let this side of his nature out.At first in the midst of it I thought who was this person? Now of course there were always hints and incidents I brushed off during the relationship that should have warned me what was coming down the road.

I found that what changed in my STBXW was that she had become so good at hiding her bad behavior (not just the As, but many other deceptions) that my discovery seemed to free things up for her. Like she could embrace all that behavior in a new and dramatic way and say I was holding her back from being her true self.

This speaks to me as well. What sucked is the being separated part, still in the same house while she made no attempt at hiding the A (EA online). What's even worse was her including the SD in the A, letting her chat with the guy and telling her that's going to be her new stepdad someday.

I also have been introspective as far as was she always like this or is it something new. Looking back on the years, she always advertised herself as a "giver" but really she never really did, I just took her word for it. She was always high maintenance and self-centered, she just did it in passive-aggressive manner rather than overtly.

Thanks everyone. Glad at least that I’m not alone....

I do have a lawyer and only text about pick up drop off with our youngest , health issues with the kids, money. Doesn’t stop him from texting....he also texts the kids...they just don’t answer.

This née person infuriates me! Fills my stomach with butterflies every time my phone dings and I see his name.

I feel like I still love the old WH I knew....but I f’in hate this guy!!!!!

They may not become certified narcissists but the cheating spouse does become an ass.

Change his name in your phone.

When I still had to talk to mine he was 'Idiot Cheating Fucking Arsehole'. His picture was a dog turd.

Helped me remember who I was talkin to.

I found that what changed in my STBXW was that she had become so good at hiding her bad behavior (not just the As, but many other deceptions) that my discovery seemed to free things up for her. Like she could embrace all that behavior in a new and dramatic way and say I was holding her back from being her true self.

Which I guess was true in a way. I was trying to participate with her in a shared commitment, and that was holding her back from being a non-committed sexual adventurer. She had always been that way, but had hidden it and tried to act like a married person. When she couldn't, I became the enemy forcing her to suppress it. Which as far as I'm concerned made our marriage itself a grand deception on her part.

Yep! Spot on! Mine acted out like she was a spoiled teenager and her parents were gone for the weekend and left a credit card. Except the parents never came back and shes still enjoying the ride. But really she was always like that, just hid it well. Anybody wanna tell her she has to pay that credit debt back

My cheating husband had the audacity to tell me for the first 3 months that he wanted a D. Yes I was blindsided.

He told me he would decide by the end of the summer what he wanted. And had me “auditioning” for my role as his wife. I knew I was being compared to the OW. So I had the added stress of trying to compete with a single unmarried millennial.

He pretty much was flaunting his affair in my face.

The second 3 months of his affair I believed we were reconciling yet he was still cheating with the same OW. I still kept getting the “ILYBNILWY speech” and the “I want a D” speech every two weeks.

Funny how when I finally snapped and told him to get out and I was D HIM he finally realized what he had done. Suddenly I’m the love of his life and he’s begging to R. Problem was I no longer loved him and wanted a D b/c I had enough.

He just pushed me too far. And it was a long long uphill battle to get to R.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:18 AM, May 16th (Sunday)]

Mine was one all along it just took time and the A's for me to see it and understand it.

It wasn't until my STBWXHs A that I learned anything about narcissism. The Dr. Jekyl / Mr. Hyde change in his personality on confrontation day really had me digging into YouTube videos and books to figure out why he was acting the way he was! I had no idea that he could be so selfish, entitled, lacking in empathy, flat out cruel, gaslighting, and blaming me for his bad choices! The more I learned about narcissism, the more I looked back at our almost 17 years together and saw that the signs were always there. Very, very subtle early on, but I think his developed PTSD from deployment to Iraq / Afghanistan really amped them up about 6 years ago! For those of us on the other end of the narcissistic 'abuse', we are exhausted by the web that we have to work through. I'm right there with you Breaking ... big hugs!

So it’s now 1 yr and 1/2 later and piece of shit claims he wants this over with....most of the separation agreement is complete. Only part he is fighting is the spousal support and therefore also retroactive pay. It’s all been about the money since the start. The last few letters from his lawyer responding to my proposals have just said no....no negotiations at all. Now he wants to hire a mediator as well.

This is such bullshit! All in the name of control and manipulation! I’m so angry! I don’t want to see his face!

I suppose I’m not surprised by this behaviour from this stranger.... thing is all of his current behaviours he would have shamed and ridiculed in the past! It’s still so in fathomable that this is the same person.

I’m so sick of it all!

In my case, i think wh was always a narcissist but hid it. Im seeing his true colors now

My XW was always selfish and became mean once we got married. She kept her mask on during dating but it slipped once or twice then, too.

Once I was entangled, the mask came off. And, the financial infidelity, hidden spending etc really amped up.

Most cheaters, IMO, have greater than average narc traits. To lie so long and have the sense of entitlement and lack of empathy that gaslighting requires, they have to be fairly far along on the NPD continuum.