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100% a first world problem, and I need some perspective.

Backstory: About 1.5 years ago, my uncle emailed my father and said he and my aunt were planning a big trip to celebrate some milestones (big # birthday & big # anniversary), they were renting a giant beach house, and they would love for my parents, WS and I + kids, plus my brother to join them. Their kids and grandkids and my aunt's sister & kid would be coming, too. They were paying for the rental for a week, we just had to make our own arrangements to get there.

WS had mentioned trip to his parents, since they live a few hours away (closer than anyone else going), and they mentioned maybe they'd rent a beach place nearby and bring their grandkids (WS & I's nieces & nephew).

Since there's not a direct flight to the rental, we decided to fly direct to my in-laws. We were planning om renting a car, but they said don't rent a car, you can borrow one of ours.

Here's the miscommunication that came out tonight --

I thought in-laws were planning their own parallel trip and would be busy with their other grandkids and we'd meet up a couple of times over that week, either at the beach, or go out to lunch or something.

WS basically discussed/invited the in-laws (+3 grandkids, a YA, a teen and a tween) to hang out on the beach right by the place my aunt & uncle rented, would come in to use the bathroom, hang out by the pool the rental has, come BBQ in the backyard, basically come hang out whenever, just not spend the night.

I think this is incredibly rude. I feel like we're guests on this trip, we're not renting the house, AND to complicate matters, we're not particularly close with my family that invited us. They are very nice and generous, but the last time I've seen most of these people was probably 8-10 years ago.

WS thinks I'm overthinking things, and it should be no big deal, family is family and we should all just mingle and have fun on vacation.

I think that we don't have to be with my family 24/7, and it's a reasonable compromise to make plans a couple of times with his family and go over to where they're staying, go out to eat a couple times, etc. while we're in the same beach town. We also (during non-pandemic times) see the in-laws a couple of times per year.

WS thinks I'm being too uptight/rigid/unreasonable because "his family wouldn't think this was weird if the situation was reversed." I honestly don't know how my family would feel because we're not super close, but I don't think planning to see his family at their rental or make plans elsewhere to meet up is unreasonable.

So.....

Am I being too uptight? In general I am the more uptight one and WS is more go with the flow/why are you worrying/this is no big deal between the two of us, and there have definitely been times where I've been worried or anxious about a situation and WS was right, it was NBD.

Honestly, if this is no big deal, then I'll drop it (we're currently not talking because we were getting so heated discussing this tonight), but if I'm not overreacting, then I'm going to insist that meeting up with his parents/nieces/nephew can be done a couple of times during this week, at somewhere other than the house my aunt & uncle are renting.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 2:27 PM, Saturday, April 2nd]

No, not overreacting. Not your rental, you don't invite others to someone else's home vacation or otherwise.. it is taking advantage of the person renting the home.. not cool

I agree with Mel61.

You're not wrong. I agree with you. Spending separate time with your H's family is a good compromise.

I agree. You are not over reacting.

Oh ibonnie, OH! IBONNIE! The dreaded shared vacay at a rental house!!!

Its a toss up really. My in laws dis the same thing. Sil1 rented a lake house. She invited Sil 2 & her family, plus their mother to stay at the house.

Sil 2’s inlaws have a cabin near the fancy lake house. Sil2 invited them to have dinner, sit on the private dock, use the kayaks, and stay so late as to set of fireworks and enjoy the fire pit. Basically, everything but sleep over

It seemed ok with SIL 1. Their family is usually the more the merrier type of people. (Except when it come to me ) but I realize other families arent like that and would feel the need to be "on" and couldnt relax

Id ask your family what they think, if you can. And id talk to MIL and tell her you all will be busy xyz days but dinner on tuesday and Thursday is great, etc… maybe try to make firm plans??? So its not just drop in when you want

VERY rude! It's not ok to inconvenience someone else like that! I would tell him AND his parents that he overstepped by inviting them but you can meet up for lunch or dinner while there. Do NOT let him steam roll you on this.

You are not over-reacting.

Actually - I am even more sensitive than you are...lol. I actually probably would of been sensitive to them even coming to the same vacation spot at the same time since this trip was clearly your aunt and uncle's celebration trip. IE I would of rathered piggy-backed the IL's vacation to the end of this trip (or beginning).

Just to simplify - when my DD had a big milestone birthday, some of the guest took it on themselves to invited others along. There view (like your DH's) is "it is a party....the more the merrier". Whereas my DD's view was "It is my party and if I wanted them there, I would have invited them." She was upset and offended.

This is not your DH's celebration or rental. It is not his place to offer up someone else's place to hang out at.
It does not matter he your aunt and uncle mind or not. Being family is no excuse to forego basic manners.

Your family was nice enough to include you guys in their celebration.

I get it though - this is exactly the mindset my ex had as well. He would of saw zero wrong with what he was doing.

Thank you all for weighing in. I am more uptight than WS, but stood my ground on this and just kept saying, "I think it's really weird for them to tag along, and everyone else I've hypothetically run this past does, too."

Long story short, in-laws are still "thinking" about renting a place where we're going. Trip is fast approaching and hotels/airbnbs are in short supply and $$$$$ right now.

Honestly not surprised, because they're very flaky people. Like to talk a lot about how much they miss us/the kids, but when given a chance to see us/them, suddenly they... have other plans.

Oh ibonnie, OH! IBONNIE! The dreaded shared vacay at a rental house!!!

Gotta!!! There has been so much more drama since my original post. Basically they over invited and my dad was volunteering members of our family to sleep on the floor. Like, what!? No. And then multiple threats from various people about canceling flights + some angry family members wishing covid upon each other.

So many phone calls and dramatics all around.

Whatever. My kiddos are super excited to go to the beach and I'm going into it with the mindset that it's probably gonna be somewhat of a shitshow, but #YOLO, right? And we never have to stay at a shared vacay rental house again if we don't want to.

Why can't you just the in-law family there was a miscommunication?

And why can't you tell the other family there was a miscommunication? Apologize for the awkwardness of it. Tell them what happened. Ask if they're ok with it. And let them be in charge of being honest with you or not. If they say it's ok, then believe them and don't worry about it. If they hm and haw, then you have to have that other conversation with the in-laws.

It's good of you to be aware of and want to do things the "right" way, whatever that is, and not impose, observe etiquette, etc. But it's a little too late. Put it on the table and see what they say. If they feel obligated to say it's no problem to have the extra people over but they didn't want it, then hopefully you'll be able to read that, and if adjust accordingly. If they really are ok with it, then party on, Wayne. Party on Garth.

And really, you don't see these people that often anyway.

Good luck.

I'm going into it with the mindset that it's probably gonna be somewhat of a shitshow, but #YOLO, right

I love your sense of humor about this! Yes, it will probably be somewhat of a shitshow with so many family members in 1 place at the same time, but it will also probably be super fun!! And your in law problem seems to be solving itself if they don’t even have tickets or a rental yet? Is it during July 4 in the US? Yeah, thats gonna be tough!

I agree with PP who said tell your in-laws there was a mixup… if you even think they might still come?

I say just proceed to have the greatest time of your life.

Be upbeat, helpful, and cooperative, spending time and making memories with all who will let you!

I agree that a guest should not invite others, but a separate rental (for them) and an occasional meet up for a meal or short outing should be fine.

Have a GREAT time despite the opportunity for the "sh#t show. Show them all!!!

Just so your WS doesn't invite your ILs to stay in your Dad's rental because the ILs waited to long to book something and now there is nothing available. Bahhahahaaaa.

He will be like...."Well, your dad has folks sleeping on the floor anyways so what does it matter?"

(The above was all said in a kidding manner)