SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t even know where to start. I guess I’ll start with the beginning. my H (m/mid 40’s) and I (f/late 30s) met in the summer of 2004. We started seeing each other while he was still dating someone else. I told him I was going to study abroad in early 2005 and I didn’t want to be in a relationship. He eventually broke up with his girlfriend a month later. While I was studying abroad we talked often and ended up moving in together when I got back late summer of 2005. I graduated college a few years later and we got married and bought a place together.

In 2011 we had our first child and in early 2012 I suspected he was having an EA. I was also pregnant with our second child. I had our second child in May 2012 and days before I went back to work I confronted him about the affair. He finally broke down and admitted to it and it ended up being physical and had started about 6 months earlier. So D-Day#1 was early June 2012. I really don’t remember much about the months that followed. (I do remember spending lots of time on this site and was thankful to find others who were going through it.) I had two kids under two and was just trying to make it through the days. We decided to R. He stopped drinking (has been sober since) and we went to couples therapy. He also went to individual therapy and I went to individual therapy.

After a few years things seemed so much better and we decided to have another child. We ended up moving cross country about six years ago shortly after the birth of our third child. In 2019, I had a 4th child (we are done having kids BTW). So fast forward to now, my husband got a new phone and I had to send back his old phone. Of course I got a little curious and checked his text messages as well as his Facebook messenger messages. Unfortunately, I felt like some of the messages with a certain woman were strange/inappropriate. He went away for the weekend for a tournament and he deleted the messages that appeared to be inappropriate. HUGE red flag, right?!? So now I am not sure what to do. The biggest part of me wants to continue investigating further and try to figure out what might be happening with this other woman. I know I should confront him, but I’m worried he will lie and make it harder to track if he is having an affair. My H has always been a bit of a flirt and I’m okay with that, but now I can’t help but suspect that something more is going on. We have a good relationship (date nights/good sex life) and he’s mostly a great dad to our kids, but does have some anger issues at times. I’ve been back in therapy due to losing my dad a few years ago and have been struggling with depression. This is not an excuse for my H to have an affair but just something that I could see him blaming it on. Best case is he crossed the line with some inappropriate texts (which is still awful and creates huge trust issues, etc) and worst case he’s having an affair in which case I know should result in divorce given his previous affair. Help! I don’t know what to do next.

Hi, welcome to SI.

On my way out, gently, your husband had an affair, he has no business calling or texting any female other than you/sister/mother, you get the idea.

Do you know who this woman is? A co-worker?

Are you sure he was at the tournament, and if he was, was this woman with him?

IMO I'd go into investigative mode asap and dig further.

So sorry.

Be sure to screenshot or keep copies of all evidence. Do you have access to his emails?

I know he was at the tournament because the scores were posted online and he brought home a check for his winnings. The messages were with a woman I don’t really know, but plays the same sport and they may be in the same league together. The messages were about the sport they play and then basically go:
H: "didn’t you see my message about driving to the tournament with me. Lol"
she replies, "no, I didn’t. I might come up on Sunday and watch you guys, but want to sleep in my own bed tonight."
The next morning the entire thread had been deleted and I totally forgot to save the thread so just going off memory.
She sent him another message yesterday afternoon saying that he didn’t miss anything at the Mexican restaurant. He hasn’t responded to that message and presumably she did come and watch Sunday but he was home late afternoon and didn’t go out afterwards with the rest of the guys at the tournament. I have his phone password so can continue to check his phone if he leaves it out.

He's a serial cheater. He cheated before,then he cheated on you,and now you've found suspicious messages.

He has no boundaries. You shouldn't be ok with him flirting, to be honest. Flirting is nothing more than giving and receiving ego kibble. Which leads to affairs.

Don't confront. He will lie. Dig deeper. Put a var in the car. Chances are high that you will find way more,than if you ask him.

Your cell phone bill will have a lot of information. If you can pinpoint when the text from her was made you can find her number and see how often he calls. You may be able to see where he is when he calls; my WH told me he was in CA when the phone bill said TN.

Check your state laws before you use a VAR; they are illegal in some states.

I’m very sorry you’re having to deal with this.

I checked the cell phone bill and his email. Everything appears normal. The messages were in the Facebook Messanger app which is how I was able to view them on his old phone (which needs to be wiped and shipped back ASAP). I checked today a few times and eventually the message she sent about not missing anything at the restaurant was deleted. He seemed especially irritated tonight and had a bad temper with the kids . I was trying to act normal but I think my energy was obvious that I’m not OK.

I am so sorry you are going through this as we all know too well how awful it feels. Whatever you do- do NOT show your hand. And I would not send the phone back. I am in alleged R with my serial cheater and one thing I regret about DDay#2 is not sitting on what I knew longer so that I would truly know the conversations with OW and what I was dealing with. She called and told on him in my situation (a month after a partial DDay because he didn't leave and I didn't kick him out like she thought I would) but of course given they are both liars, I didn't get all of the pieces and parts. Hugs to you! I am 3 years post day and it is like it was yesterday-I am so sorry for your pain. Feel free to PM me. I can fully relate.

For D-day #2, which was the end of a year long false-r, I didn't want to wait. So I set him up by giving him the opportunity to have time and space alone, knowing I would not be around, and he took the bait and called her and I VARed him (I actually just recorded from my laptop in the house). I told him I was going to be out with a friend for about 4 hours and that we were going about 30 miles away (we have find my friends activated on our phones as I am a chronic phone loser so he could see I really was not going to walk in the house) and then I turned on record on the VAR and the laptop and left. He called her within 20 minutes of my being gone and was on the phone with her until about 20 minutes before I got home and I had recorded most of their conversation (he put her on speaker phone so I inadvertently got both of them not just him).

So I say make a plan to give him the opportunity to have alone time where you are guaranteed not to barge in and see what he does while you still have his phone. IMO it is rare when they don't take the set-up bait.

Thanks for all the messages. I think if something is going on with this woman, it’s probably during league related times (certain week night(s) and weekend tournaments). She’s not a contact in his phone but he could obviously be hiding it. This sucks because it brings me back to his first affair where I found emails (and asked about them immediately which he totally brushed off and then continued to be ‘friends’ with the AP) I had to suffer for the next few months feeling crazy and suspicious all while in my 3rd trimester. I will continue to investigate and try to act normal.

Update: I’ve been checking his phone on occasion the past week (when he’s in the shower) and didn’t see any further messages until this morning.
Potential AP: "Hi, hope you’re having a good Monday. I really feel like we may need to clear the air on some stuff. Especially before league starts. I just wanted to take some time to really process my thoughts before saying anything."
WH: "with me? Sure, you know I’m open to listening. I’m doing good. I hope you’re doing well."
Potential AP: "haha yeah, just since the tournament. It’s nothing crazy I promise, but do think it needs to be discussed."
There were more messages but they were about league stuff and the weather.

I thought my WH had gone upstairs so I grabbed his phone again to take more pictures of the messages, but I didn’t hear him walking back in the room so at the last second I threw his phone down where it had been, but he caught me. It was super awkward. I pretended that I had been doing nothing as I still had my phone in my hands. He asked if his phone had been ringing and I just said no. I tried to make small talk and asked about the plan for after work. I can’t remember if I was able to at least put it back on the Home Screen otherwise when he opened his phone it would have been on the FB messenger chat with her.
The messages aren’t great and seem to indicate there’s something going on. I think I should continue to let them exchange messages and see if anything more detailed is shared, but will certainly need to confront him sooner than later.

Your last post suggests that he may have seen you see his messages. This means that he will get better at hiding them. Trust me when I say I didnt suspect a single thing although i knew his passwords to phone and pretty much everything else. I used to check while he was in the shower etc. He caught me several times but he didnt act nervous or anything. He just got better at hiding it. I knew deep down and I had a feeling something was not right. I think you know theres definitely something going on. I eventually did find proof but it took months before i found it. You need to keep digging. Follow him if you have to. See if he really goes where he is saying. Thats what I did. I gathered as much evidence as I could. If you know something strange is going on between them then most likely there is. Be careful not to get caught again. Also check for different apps that require a password or is somehow encrypted. They probably have a common place to chat and send pics etc. The age of social media and apps is really terrifying especially in the hands of cheaters!!!

Unless he drives a company car you can put a VAR under his seat or the other one. He might have a hidden phone which is why you’re not picking up a lot on his phone. There is something definitely going on but right now you don’t know what. I would also put a VAR somewhere when he sits and while he’s out of the room turn it on and then tell him you’re going shopping and then leave and be gone for about an hour. He can hear you drive up and he will be off by the time you come in. Wait until he goes to sleep and get those VARs and you can tell what he’s up to. This does not sound good at all.

Remember in some states doing this is illegal so if yours is that way you can listen and then delete because you will know one way or the other. I don’t think you can wait on this it sounds like something in the making

He’s lying by omission and disrespecting you.

Something is going on - she needs to clear the air? Hmmmm that’s suspicious. And it is still lying and cheating on his part even if she turns him down.

I lived your situation. Trust me. I know your situation.

My H denied his first 4 year EA (before cell phones). He told me I was crazy. Then 15 years later he had a typical mid life crisis affair that went from an EA to him planning to D me.

My mistake after the first EA was letting him get away with it. Swept under the rug. I certainly did not make that mistake after his last affair 9 years ago.

You don’t need any proof to talk to your H. You need to look him in the eye and say I saw the messages with X and they are disrespectful and you have been dishonest by not showing them to me and explaining what is going on.

If he doesn’t admit anything and starts the "I don’t know what you are talking about" routine, you are living with a liar and cheater who won’t be honest.

And that’s not something you can ignore. That shows you he will put his selfish needs first.

You don’t need a 5th child as a Husband. You need a grown adult who behaves properly.

I feel so numb right now. I checked his phone again this morning and there were a couple more messages in the exchange (thankfully he hadn’t deleted the earlier messages) and they were just talking about tournaments. I couldn’t take pictures because I didn’t want to risk getting caught again. I do like the idea of putting a VAR in his car, but I’m worried about getting it out of the car at night. My WH is a light sleeper and we have a dog that barks so I’m skeptical of how I will get it in/take it out.
I’m able to track his location as I turned Find my phone on and shared it with my apple account.

It makes me mad that I’m even having to do all this crap. I noticed that I’ve been acting how I did after I found out about the EA (that eventually turned out to be a PA) 10 years ago and thought if I could just be the perfect partner. Obviously that didn’t matter and doesn’t matter now. The fact he thinks he can exchange these messages with OW after putting me through what he did is heartbreaking. I did stay for the kids back then but I won’t now if he is having a PA.

Thank goodness I’m in IC, I can’t wait to talk to my therapist next week.

Do you have keys to his car? If so you can wait till he drives to work, find his car get it get the VAR, lock it and go on about your business. If he plays a hobby like golf then he’s going to park it somewhere and you can get it then. There ways to do it. I would definitely put it somewhere in the house where he sits and just turn it on right before you hear him coming back in the room and tell him you’re leaving to go get a couple of things from the grocery store and you’ll be back in about 30 minutes to an hour. That gives him time to get on the phone if he’s going to. If you don’t pick up any more than you’re picking up it still might be time for you to say there’s just too much conversation between you and another woman that I’m not party too and I would like to be party too.

Hw should not be having ANY private conversations with another woman. No way, no how, no excuses!

Just tell him you and the kids will be accompanying him to any future tournaments, see how he reacts.

Sounds like he is cheating again, time to talk to an attorney, protect you, your children, and your finances.

Thought I would provide a quick update. I was able to add his FB Messenger account on my phone (without his knowledge). Checked his text messages a few times as well and didn’t see any from her so assume(hope) they just use FB. OW has sent him a few messages over the past week that indicate she was out of town at a tournament and his replies have been short. The last message was yesterday from her telling my WH she still had 17 hours left of driving. League started last night so I was somewhat less anxious knowing she wasn’t there. Things have been very normal between us and it’s gotten easier to be patient and see what plays out. I keep thinking how I want to enjoy the last days/weeks/months? Of our marriage in case it blows up soon. I made arrangements to have a sitter next week during league (that he doesn’t know about) and thought about showing up unexpectedly towards the end of the night. We have a big family trip coming up in a couple weeks so part of me really wants to ignore all this, but I know I shouldn’t.

Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

Obviously not, but I learned my lesson 10 years ago and I’m not going to confront him yet and let him gaslight me. I can be patient for a few more weeks. They continue to exchange messages (which I realize should be off limits for him) and eventually the truth will come out…he will delete the current string…I’ll catch him, something will happen! I’m confident that he will mess up sooner than later, but until then I’m going to wait.

Hi Seakinglight,

I'm sorry your husband has put you in this position again (even if it's "just" a friendship with some line crossing, it still shouldn't happen).

My guess, which could be totally off, is that he was flirting (inviting her to ride with him is an example) and when she said she wanted to clear the air, it was to address the feeling like he was coming onto her. Now this might have been in hopes he'd be like, "Is that so bad?" and they could start something, or it could be to shut it down. No one can know that but her. And I suspect that when he caught you with his phone he realized what he was doing and that he couldn't very well get mad at you for expecting him to be above reproach and he started replying with short messages to her.

But this is all a guess. I understand your instinct to lay low and wait for more information, but I also think that if you can't trust your husband not to gaslight you this time around, then what is your marriage based on? We've all learned the hard truth that infidelity can impact anyone, and we know the song and dance of gaslighting and trickle truthing to avoid consequences. But ultimately moving forward together is about trust . . . not trust that our spouse is an infallible person who could never flirt or be tempted again, but trust that when push comes to shove, we'll be told the truth or learn it another way. I just want to caution you against continuing this surveillance ad infinitum. Let's say it's the worst case scenario and it's an affair or going to turn into one, and he's perfectly fine lying to your face and taking it underground. I still trust that you'll figure it out eventually.

The upshot of just asking him what's going on is that you are extending to him the same transparency and open communication you want from him. Because let's say this turns out to be nothing more than vague flirting, which I hope it is. You still have the issue that he's crossing some lines of friendship and not mentioning it to you on his own. So I fear you'll become hyper-vigilant in checking to make sure he's not developing other friendships or taking this one further. The onus should not be on you to do this work . . . the onus should be on him to have awareness of what's doing and be transparent about it.