SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

CooleyToHear ...yes , you've got his side of the story completely correct I'm sure . This is an extremely sad story I've shared . I really believe he didn't ever mean to hurt me but his pain of never being a father again was too hard to bear . Yes it was Leukemia and yes it was a very heartbreaking time for us all ( my son included ) they were the same age so he took it very hard . Got himself in with the wrong gang and went down that slippery road which broke my heart but it was all because of what was going on at home . He's now doing very well, got his degree and a good job ! I would never not be happy that my husband has finally got what he so wanted in his life . I'm just devastated that it's cost us our marriage as we've been through so much together .Believe it or not he is a lovely gentle kind man but he is very selfish when it comes to having what he wants . Today is the first day I feel stronger and feel like I can get through this but I think it's inevitable it has to be a single life from now on

TruthToPower ...he's just said he'll never hurt me again or disrespect me . He also says we can still have a good life together and go nice places 🙄 ...I said No Thanks !

(((Midi))),

he'll never hurt me again or disrespect me . He also says we can still have a good life together and go nice places 🙄

You're right, these are all words, no true remorseful actions/action plan in your WS's agenda. Looks like he does not see his issues and need to work on himself/self-growth and is not willing to see himself from aside. He's not able to truly feel your Pain. M #2 is only possible when both are Healthy.

Believe it or not he is a lovely gentle kind man but he is very selfish when it comes to having what he wants .

Lovely, gentle and kind could be one of his personas. The true colors and standards of the person become visible in the times of distress and very lows/highs in their lives.

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 3:59 PM, Wednesday, August 31st]

TruthYoPower...sorry I was talking about my son when I mentioned going down the slippery road. He was 16 at the time .

Thanks for clarification, Midi

What you may do, if you wish, is to make a list of your needs and your boundaries. And send them to him in response to his "words" that were not true solutions. This may be a wakeup call to him. You now control the situation and what YOU really want.

I would never not be happy that my husband has finally got what he so wanted in his life . I'm just devastated that it's cost us our marriage as we've been through so much together .Believe it or not he is a lovely gentle kind man but he is very selfish when it comes to having what he wants . Today is the first day I feel stronger and feel like I can get through this but I think it's inevitable it has to be a single life from now on

I'm sorry, but I don't agree that you are morally obliged to "be happy for him". He lied to you with absolute deliberation about a LIFETIME obligation that he's made. I think that if there wasn't a bereavement in play, there would be no confusion about the betrayal he's committed. The effects here are no different than if you had discovered a torrid affair. You get to feel however you feel about it and your feelings are VALID.

You can decide to set out boundaries for discussion of R or you can just be done. And neither choice is wrong. What I'm hoping you'll do though is put your own needs first right now.

..he's just said he'll never hurt me again or disrespect me . He also says we can still have a good life together and go nice places 🙄 ...I said No Thanks !

He wasn't supposed to hurt or disrespect you in the first place. Exactly what does he have in mind to make up for that?.. taking you on holiday? Is THAT what he thinks will fix it? How about signing off his parental rights to the OC? How about a post-nup which puts the assets in your name if you catch him lying to you again? How about "closing" the adoption and moving on with no contact? See, I think he's blowing sunshine up your skirt, that he's NOT sorry for what he's done and that he just wants you to get over it. And because he's a grieving parent, you're supposed to be the bad guy if you don't paste a smile on your face and go along with whatever he decides. You're an emotional hostage at this point, you understand.

If his story is accurate, that child already has parents. He's just a sperm donor and can walk away.

ChamomileTea... He's already told me that he can't choose between me and the child and I'd never ask him to . It's quite clear I know I'd be the loser in all this as he'd never turn his back on this child . The child doesn't need him , he's got 2 women who are very good parents . But the little bit my husband gets from all this makes him happy for now . His main plan is to step in when the child gets to 12/13yrs old but of course he has to get some bonding done with him in these early years for the future plan to happen
My mind is pretty made up - our marriage is over ! I just have to find a way of staying in my home as my business is based here too 🙄 . He'll want his fair share of the market value and that's what I'm busy trying to sort before I file for divorce .

I know it sounds like I’m trying to browbeat you into forgiving him but I am not. This is way too personal for me to step into your business. I just want to explain to you, and any others who might come on here, what grieving the loss of a child is like. The little boy that I told you about was the most angelic kid. The sweetest personality and everybody loved him and then one day while they were on vacation they noticed bruises and took him to a local doctor completely unaware of what was waiting for them. They brought him home and they did their best but he was dead in a year. In my extended family was a young man who died quite unexpectedly and it nearly killed his father. They have other children but grief is not like that. You can’t latch onto another child and get over the one you lost. The only thing you can do is just put 1 foot in front of the other. Your husband was doing everything he can to get that absolute despair to go away because you can’t live with it. He did a foolish thing by lying to you for four years but I sympathize with him. I’ve seen neighbors, acquaintances, friends and family lose children and it is a horrible club to belong to.

I can’t help but agree with Cooley2. This is an absolutely tragic story for both of you. Unless we’ve experienced it I don’t think any of us can understand what the loss of a child, especially your only child, can do to you. I do feel he handled the situation wrongly, but I think it’s unfair to judge this man like other cheaters. I also can understand the deep grief you are feeling, Midi. I’m so very, very sorry for both of you.

It should not even be a question that people on SI understand Trauma. And that Trauma should be dealt with accordingly.

Sure, children are beautiful, but we're not discussing the child here per se. We're talking about if Midi's WS is a safe and stable partner to Midi. In fact, reading Midi's last post, IMO her WS is not only bonding with the child, but with official parents too. One can't be done without another. This is for Midi to confirm.

My neighbors lost one of their 3 sons (he was young) about 8 years ago. Their second son is also recovering drug addict. They started to volunteer at the drug addicts' rehab, conduct the programs there, joint the local group of grieving parents who lost the child. Besides that, they live their fulfilling everyday life that they greatly enjoy. They're people of faith.

ETA: we must remember that Midi asked for advice and help. Not her WS.

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 7:57 PM, Wednesday, August 31st]

I get that this guy has a very tragic bereavement and I'm not trying to be hard-nosed and insensitive. I do apologize if I've come off that way and triggered anyone. My point is that there just aren't any acceptable excuses for betrayal. You're important too. His feelings don't supersede yours. This was supposed to be a partnership, and as such your needs/wants/desires were equally important to his. He might not have had a romantic affair, but this was sexual in nature in reproductive terms and the results are the same as in any affair which produces an OC. Further, this is no aberration because his selfishness is not new. It's been a part of the relationship and has finally resulted in permanent harm.

His main plan is to step in when the child gets to 12/13yrs old but of course he has to get some bonding done with him in these early years for the future plan to happen

Do the parents of this child know that his plan is to "step in" when that child is older? What does he mean by that? Typically, an adoptive couple in an open adoption would keep the donating parent informed on the child's life and progress and there might be some visitation, but what you've said here sounds more involved than that. And if that's the case, it would also indicate an unhealthy tendency toward subterfuge, meaning that he has no plans to address his penchant for telling lies.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to influence your stay or go decision. It sounds to me like you've already made it in any event. But I don't think you're being too hard on the guy. What he did was bad and it doesn't look like he's AT ALL willing to remediate his broken character.

Thanks for the replies all....yes, my husband and the lesbians have a very good friendship together . They all share the love of the life they've created . They communicate through WhatsApp and email as and when and he also visits the home of the little boy as and when they arrange . It is a very complexed situation and yes you can look at it several ways but it's made me feel like I am a failure as I couldn't give my husband what he needed so.he went for plan B . Friends and family tell me not to dwell on this thought but anyone who's been through the same will understand my feelings . I'm a very strong woman and very successful in all other areas of my life but I couldn't win at this ☹️

made me feel like I am a failure as I couldn't give my husband what he needed

So sorry, Midi, your H made you feel like a failure. Is this Love? One would sacrifice own needs for another person they Love.... especially after what happened to you after you both tried to have a child together.... I bet it was quite a traumatic experience to you...

Strength to you! You are making the decision that is right for YOU.

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 9:39 PM, Wednesday, August 31st]

You are not a failure. Your husband is the failure. He totally failed you with his dishonesty and deception.

[This message edited by icytoes at 10:23 PM, Wednesday, August 31st]

TruthIsPower...yes I am 😔 That's why it's so hard to forgive what he's done . I need to move on and rebuild myself and he needs to move on and find a woman to give him a " love " child or build a life around the situation he's in right now .

That's why it's so hard to forgive what he's done .

You have a right not to forgive. YOU already decided what YOU want to do as he failed his role as your spouse miserably and cruelly. And your H no longer controls your life as he did for several years.

he needs to move on and find a woman to give him a " love " child or build a life around the situation he's in right now .

He needs to fix his brokenness first and foremost prior to entering any relationship. However, this is solely on him.

I just have no words...

(((Midi)))

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 10:12 PM, Wednesday, August 31st]

TruthIsPower ...My mind, heart and head is no longer in his best interests. These last 8 years I've done everything I can to make his life easier and yes I've put myself last during these years ! But no more . It's time to think about " Me" ....because he certainly didn't !

Hi Guys , quick update ! It's been about 1 month now since H moved out. Been through every emotion possible. Mostly feelings of sadness and despair . I found out H had his donor child and the mother at his new home a few weeks ago , he even cooked them lunch ! And then spent the afternoon at a local park. It made me very sad as it was only 8 miles from where I live so anyone could've seen him playing happy families with his new role ! Decided I need to slap myself and sort myself out ! Had my first session with my therapist and I'm hoping and praying I can learn to accept what H did to me and move on to a happier , peaceful life 🙏 ...only then will I decide if he , his secret child and these 2 lesbian women are going to be a part of it ! At this moment in time it's looking very unlikely. Lots of obstacles to get through and lots of TLC is needed. Wanted to just say " Thankyou " for the replies I got with my original post . It truly helped me so much

Most BS leave because of the lies. You had years of them.

Take care of yourself.

Btw, if your gentle H was selfish throughout the marriage he was not marriage material. Selfish behavior is NOT gentle,