SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

MsSunshine

Your neighbors in Sweden have one of the highest rape-rates in the world. Not because Ole and Benny are raging rampant amongst the women, but because they document domestic/marital/relational forced sex as rape. If a married woman shares that her husband held her captive in the home for 3 days and forced her to have sex 4 times each day – it’s 12 instances of rape. I think that is a good idea, and the correct way of documenting this terrible crime.
So yes – based on what you shared he raped you. He forced himself on you. Not that you can legally call him out on that, and definitely something he can probably refute if you did. But I think it’s fine for YOU to know that this isn’t acceptable or that this is behavior that you need to accept as part of any normal relationship.
In a long-term relationship there will be times when one partner is more into having sex than the other, and there will be times when one partner takes part without the level of enjoyment or enthusiasm expected, but it should always be done with a free will.

But… that’s not the main issue I want to address:

The money he owes…
Is it a significant amount? Like is it half the deposit on a new home, or three months of pay?
There is a great cost to this money if you insist on remaining in contact with him. Even if it’s only a monthly sms to remind him to pay.
What this relationship leaves behind is a big bleeding sore. That sore starts to heal, but each and every time you contact him its pulling at the scab that’s growing over the sore. At the very least it delays healing. At the very worst it prevents healing.

Seriously consider ways to remove all contact. That could range from simply writing off the debt to having a third party collect it. Set your goal to being able to block him from contacting you or having to contact him.

Budget so that you don’t need his cash. Don’t give him the power to make you angry or concerned every month. If you do get some money, good – if not… well… a big life-lesson.

Thank you for the advice, Bigger.
I know that he will refuse what he did or sau that he dont remember but now I know for sure that what he did isn’t my fault and it is not okay.
What’s important for me now is that I want to come to terms with it and work through it and maybe one day in the future when Im ready I want to be honest with my parents.

No no it isn’t half of the house. I bought the house myself. The money he ows me is something he borrowed over 5 years, a little by little. In the end it got alot. Im not struggeling without the money but its more like a princippal( if thats the right Word). He knows he borrowed alot from me, his friends and whole family knows that. He borrowed and ruined our relationship by cheating and having a child with someone else behind my back… so I broke Off the engangement last year, now for over six months I have been trying to tell him to send me the money he owes me and every month he argued with me and giving me the same excuse everytime. All he have paid back is 400$ over those months and its not even close to the what he owes me.Thats why Im meeting his parents tomorrow to tell them how he’s treating me and if I can Get some money from the parents I will be happy enough, if not then thats it. I cant handle anymore arguing. I have now blocked his number (Also his social media) so he cant Get in contact with me anymore.

Yes, thats right. I dont want go backwards while Im healing and been feeling good lately, so I hope everything tomorrow will go alright.

MssSunshine

Years ago, a co-owner of a startup company I owned swindled substantial amounts of money from us, leaving the company near-bankrupt and me having to assume personal debt that took me years to get out of.
For the longest time my focus was on how to get back at him. Spent a small fortune on legal fees trying to sue him, trying to press criminal charges and the like. To no avail. As the attorney told me: its going to cost a fortune and although you most likely will win the legal battle chances are you can never collect. Not worth the financial risk and the emotional effort.
One of the best decisions I have taken when I decided to let go of that resentment and need for revenge.

I have labeled it an expensive life-lesson. Since that event I have always had checks and balances in place whenever financial commitments are involved. Even to the extent that when I was the cashier for a society I was on the board of I insisted that at all meetings I shared a new account statement that was then placed in the meeting notes. In layman terms: I didn’t even expect others to trust MY integrity, but confirmed it at each meeting.

From a legal standpoint your claim for repayment is weak. It’s all based on his morals (and we have already established they are somewhere in the dumps…) and his willingness to pay. No one action that created the debt (like the purchase of a vehicle or payment for a lease) but a series of smaller amounts over time. No formal loan-agreement, no terms and dates… The fact that he had to borrow and/or was willing to borrow indicates that financially he’s not reliable or responsible. He can very easily either simply refuse to pay or just drag you along paying minimal amounts simply to piss you off.

I just hate to give him that power…

Definitely talk to his parents. Maybe they can collect from him or even pay his debt. But other than that I strongly suggest you simply take this as a life-lesson.

In future… Finances are a great way to evaluate a partner… as non-romantic as that sounds! More marriages are ruined by financial differences or financial infidelity than the "normal" infidelity we deal with. If your potential partner is irresponsible with money, in debt, behind on payments or asks for money… to me that would all be signals to run away as fast as possible!

Ps: that guy who stole the money? Years later – like +20 years later – he applied for a high-management role in the company I work for. The CEO saw we were from the same town so he asked me if I knew him. I shared my story and he was turned down. Karma does exist!

Hi.

I just want to tell you that I’m so glad that you have decided to keep him out of your life. I’m sorry for what he did to you and for what you’ve had to go through.

I also wanted to point one thing out that I hope will ease your pain a little bit.

You keep saying that you love him so much. But I don’t think you love lying. And I don’t think you love cheating. And I don’t think you love dishonesty.

In other words, I think you love what you WANT him to be. What you THOUGHT he was.

But he is not honest and faithful. He has proven that to you over and over.

So the person that you thought you were in love with, in my humble opinion, might not even have existed.

I’m sending you strength to get over that "perfect man" you were so in love with, and realize who he really was. So that you can move on with your life.

You deserve so much more!

Bigger

Yeah..maybe I wasn't thinking about revenge, but I defenitly had alot of resentment towards him.

Thats what my parents keep telling me and I myself. If I dont get the money back, lets it just be an

expensive lesson and a reminder.

So, two days ago met with his parents. I have this amazing connection with his family and friends so meeting them wasn't the biggest issue of mine, it was asking them for money since the person I dated doesn't want to pay me back. It was so nice to see them again, normally I would see them every other week, sometimes 3 times a week. Now its been over 6 months since i last saw them and it was at the beginning very emotional on both parts. I was happy to see them and they where happy to see me.

We sat at a cafe and started talking about the last few months, how's it been for me and them and just like catching up since its been a very long time since I talked to them.

They told me that my ex took a paternity test a week ago and the results came back 99,99% that the baby is his. I was like,yeah thats okay, I figuerd...Anyway, to the money part. I told them they shouldn't feel bad if they can't pay me back on his behalf since they have four children at home, one is soon moving out and the one year old they have. Things are expensive now, the rent is going up and electricity and food, its alot of money. I told them that he isn't the one going to a therapist almost every week, somtimes two times a week if im lucky and paying all this money to have a professonial help me through my many issues. Thats me, for so many months. I was very nervous when I asked them since it's such an uncomfortable topic to ask his parents when my ex is older than me, I feel like a parent to him, not his ex fiance. Anyway, they wasn't mad at all. The mother reassured me that I shouldn't feel bad or ashamed of asking something like that, they told me they will ofcourse help me and pay back the money and also talk to him for me since I have blocked his number and they thought that was a good thing. I know that the parents will pay me back when they say they would. They where just affraid that since I haven't contacted them in so many months they wouldn't see me or that I cut them out of my life.

I felt this whole burden got lifted off my shoulders and I feel like I lost twenty pounds. It was so heartwarming for me that they are willing to pay me back on his behalf and still telling me that I shouldn't worry no more. They even told me that when I get a new man I should bring them over to their house. All in all, we went out of that cafe laughing and just smiling at eachother. Grateful and looking forward to the future and leaving all this mess behind.

And yes, I believe karma is a real thing. Some day it will come.

[This message edited by MssSunshine at 7:53 AM, Friday, March 24th]

Oh, MssSunshine,

I’m so happy to hear your latest news and I’m sure you are feeling great relief!

No wonder your ex’s parents love you and want you to stay in their lives (without their son). You seem to be a compassionate and lovely person who deserves a partner who respects and cherishes you.

All the best in your future. ❤️

Beachgirl73

Thank you for such kind words. It's such a relief and a breath of fresh air!
It really means alot to me. The right will come when the time is right, I hope.