SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's complicated and I'm hurting

To summarise. My husband is a contractor and often worked away to come home every weekend and I often visited him as well. Fifteen years ago he met this woman through a mutual friend. He told me about her, no problem or so I thought. Anyway he moved jobs and never mentioned her again until about 3 years ago. A few times he said we should meet up with her etc. He was hoping for us to become friends. We met twice and she was OK, but I didn't particularly warm to her. I found her to be self-absorbed.

Over a month ago my husband and I went away for a week with our little boat. The friend lives about half an hour away and she came to the harbour almost daily. Way too often for my liking. I knew something was off.

To cut a long story short, back home, I checked my husband's phone and found a secret email account. They'd been seeing each other on and off for 15 years. It's not a normal affair. She is submissive and he's her Dom. Lol.

I confronted him. Lots of drama, anger etc. He insisted it wasn't an affair as such as he doesn't love her. It's just about the kink. Yes, right. I made him see that no matter how you look at it, it's an affair. He reluctantly agreed in the end. Says he's remorseful etc. Loves me. Doesn't want to split up.

After arguments things calmed down a bit. He said I can ask him anything. Sometimes he answers. But 2 nights ago when I wanted to talk about it, he got angry. Said it wasn't the right time and stormed out of the room. Same thing last night. So I said when is the right time? Can I make an appointment? He stormed out again. He gets so angry. I told him I need to heal and it will take me a long time.

Sometimes he is OK and talkative, but then he gets all angry.

Guess he wants for me to just get over it, but I cant. I pointed out how unattractive she is. She's much bigger than me, she's got long straggly hair, she's even balding. She's 7 years younger than me but looks much older. But he says it wasn't about the looks but about her submission to him.

I don't know what I'm dealing with here. Is it a sex addiction? Acting out fantasies? Ego boost? A distraction? Combination of all?

I'm perplexed. I've read loads of their emails from over the years. She writes whole boring epistles about mundane things, her work, her kids, her parents, but also her bizarre kinky fantasies. Her life seems full of (mostly self-inflicted) drama and I guess she has no one to talk to. My husband sometimes replied in very short emails. He admitted to me that he hardly ever read hers completely, just skimmed through them. From the emails it's clear that she's totally obsessed with him. Always thinks about him. They even talk about me but always in a nice way.

It's all so weird.

At the moment I'm in limbo. I go from sad to angry to laughing even. We had a good marriage, but now I'm not sure about anything anymore.

So sorry that you are here. It's a life changing event no matter the details.

You sound like you are still in a bit of shock. Read up on the stages of grieving - and you very much are grieving the loss of your marriage as you knew it - to become familiar with the different things you might feel and have to process for the next good while.

Anger and defensiveness on the part of the WS is par for the course and also total bullshit.

That's your husband continuing to think of himself first. It shows a decided lack of empathy for you as he is too self focused right now. It can also be, unfortunately, a signal that he continues to communicate with his AP. It is very rare for affairs to stop on discovery / on a dime.

IN other words, he is not remorseful. So what do you do? Take care of you. I'd read up on grey rock and start implementing. You need distance so you can start to feel your feels, figure out what you want and need AND keep yourself somewhat emotionally safe from him. Asking him to care for you, take care of you and/or save you is pointless right now. He's too worried about himself and likely resenting you for rocking his little affair boat. Find your anger. He has disrespected you in the worst way. He continues to do so by getting angry in the face of your pain. Ask your questions whenever you want. Demand whatever respect you require at this point in your marriage. Otherwise, detach from any expectations that he will save you from any of this. He can't and even if he could, he's not even considering that right now.

I confronted him. Lots of drama, anger etc. He insisted it wasn't an affair as such as he doesn't love her. It's just about the kink. Yes, right. I made him see that no matter how you look at it, it's an affair. He reluctantly agreed in the end. Says he's remorseful etc. Loves me. Doesn't want to split up.

That is straight up entitlement. So too is the stonewalling when you want to talk. He believes that he deserves to entertain his penis in whatever way he sees fit and because he deserves it, you don't have a right to be in his grill about it. He knows he's in the wrong. He knows he cheated and lied, but underneath it all, he's entitled.

In the "it was just sex" excuse, the cheater has thrown away everything you had together... because he was horny. That's the scope and breadth of him. He was horny, so he ruined your life and threw away your love. If that's his final answer, what is there to save?

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You deserve better and that guy needs to BE better if he wants a shot at remediating his defective character. Do spend some time reading The Healing Library. There are articles in there which might help stiffen your resolve in terms of setting boundaries and making choices. You'll also want to spend extra time and attention on self care. This kind of stress is so hard on the body.

((big hugs))

ETA: I think you'd be smart to see an attorney as well. Better safe than sorry.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:33 PM, Monday, October 3rd]

Teary -
I’m so incredibly sorry you are going through this. Your husband doesn’t sound remorseful, it sounds like he wants you to rug sweep this which means green lighting him continuing or doing it again with someone else. All that does is leave you hurting and building resentment. So he’s hoping by being angry and oppositional you’ll back down & let him keep doing whatever he wants which is equivalent to = let me keep hurting you in peace. The infidelity stories where the cheater brings their affair partner around and try to make you become friendly with them is extra vile. Your husband was right about one thing, it’s not about her looks, it was about how she made him feel and his poor self esteem. He needs ego kibble and that takes priority over you. So keep that in mind, he didn’t cheat because of you, he cheated because he has a deficiency in character. You didn’t particularly ask for advice, hope you consider therapy to deal with this trauma your undoubtedly undergoing. PLEASE also see an attorney. Maybe this can be salvaged but in the case it can’t, protect yourself. Also read up on the 180 and I’d also consider a separation. Your husband doesn’t at all seem fearful of losing you despite perpetrating one of the worst things you can do to a person against you. A separation may bring you more clarity.

I don't know what I'm dealing with here. Is it a sex addiction? Acting out fantasies? Ego boost? A distraction? Combination of all?

It’s a long term affair ("LTA") regardless of the effort or emotional investment on his part, all it is is a LTA. Don’t let him throw glitter in the mix and label it something different. Don’t you confuse details and relabel it, all it is is a LTA.

Did he ever mention is kink to you? No? Because it wasn’t "just about the kink". You’ve been given the bare minimum information, only justifying/acknowledging and minimalising what you know and now he is stonewalling. You’re not going to get any blood out of that stone anytime soon.

There is a very short book called ‘how to help your spouse heal from your affair’ by Linda MacDonald, buy it from amazon, read it then give it to him. It’s a start if he is legitimately remorseful. If he can’t be arsed doing that there are some YouTube videos that have content around this, however, if he can’t be bothered even learning how to help you heal he isn’t legitimately remorseful, he is just telling you what you want hear.

If you’re choosing to stay look up the 180 via the healing library and start the 180 because all I’m reading is an entitled ass who regrets you found out about his play thing. Don’t start R until you know, 100%, there is remorse and he is willing to do the work, he initiates the work. His words, his promises are as useful as a jar of farts right now, you need to see positive actions (love bombing is not a positive action btw.)

As for OW looks, it’s common they affair down, her looks don’t matter, she is his chosen affair partner, her sexual kink doesn’t matter, the way she dresses, how she smiled at your face while knowing she has been your husbands GF these past X years, all doesn’t matter. If you want the marriage refocus back on that wayward husband and give her no more energy of thought.

From what I understand about LTA it’s hard for a wayward to go cold turkey so for now read up on LTAs, look into 180 techniques, wait and watch for positive actions before R.

Having said all this I personally think it twisted he tried getting you to be friends with her. Was his objective to get you to agree to a trouple relationship with her? Or was it for their own sick enjoyment? Whatever it was that’s sick and sinister and I would be less inclined to jump into R with that kind of person.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 1:23 AM, Tuesday, October 4th]

Thanks for all your replies and advice. I certainly have a lot of research to do.

I'm staying calm on the outside for now whilst I look at my options.

I read something here that struck a cord. What they did was consentual apparently , but where was MY consent?

In the UK unfortunately affair or no affair, if there is a divorce he'll walk away with half which would make me homeless or having to rent. We got married under a law of an European country though so will have to look into that.

I do have a lot of receipts (i.e. his secret email account which he thinks he's deleted but I transferred it) which might help.

As for introducing me to her, in his twisted mind he might have thought he could persuade me into some weird kind of tryst. That could possibly be seen as coercion by the courts.

1. See your Dr get STD tested, no matter what he has told you know there's at least a decade of lies to uncover. You need to make sure you are healthy. Along w/ STD testing make sure your BP is ok, and that your overall health is ok, this is an extremely stressful thing to go through and can impact your overall health. In addition to the above, as for a referral to a therapist that is trained in Trauma. Infidelity isn't your problem, it's his. Infidelity recovery won't help you heal yourself from this trauma.

2. See an attorney/solicitor, understand what you can and cannot ask for and what D and S looks like fo you. I get that infidelity is not a reason to give you more, most laws see D as a dissolution of a contract which it is, and it is meant to be kept equal. But you have to understand in depth what it means and what it would look like. You should not feel you have to stay because you get screwed.

3. Has he established No Contact with this woman? If not he needs to. He is not remorseful, he is sad he got caught. His anger is proof of that. A truly remorseful spouse does what they can to help you understand what happened, why it happened and meet it with kindness, and fairness, not a mantrum and storming out of the room.

NOTHING you did or did not do lead to this, he did this because he wanted to and could. His choices, and actions have nothing to do with what you look like, or what she looks like. He did it because he got ego kibbles and attention that made him feel special, at least initially. I would strongly encourage you to plan an exit. There's more than a decade of bad behavior and lies to get through. That's a long uphill climb especially with a fit throwing partner.

Save yourself some sleepless nights and leave the legal stuff to the lawyers, you pay them to look after you legally and to produce the best possible result. I had a long mental list of things I wanted to legally flay him over but I’ve never studied law so it turns out he could get away with a lot. Once you hire a lawyer trust in them to handle all the legal. You just don’t know what they can and can’t be legally accountable for.

There is a lot of ready-to-read information located in the healing library under ‘articles’, read them all, every one of them is short and packed full of information.

Consent is a trigger for me, I’m an emotional meerkat when I see that word. You said ‘what about my consent’ and that’s a valid point, however, if it goes beyond that, if questioning the validity of your consent starts to anger you or it’s something your mind loops around you please go out and find an understanding therapist to help you through this. Consent is such a personal matter and not talking about it to an understanding ear will rot you on the inside. When shopping around simply ask where they stand around spousal consent and what do they consider to be invalid consent. From experience those who rugswept my feelings or were uncomfortable talking about spousal consent thought invalid consent was only when someone says ‘no’.

From what you’ve written, for someone who was nothing special to him, he certainly put in more effort to get you to be friends with this OW than he has trying to help you heal from this.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 2:10 PM, Tuesday, October 4th]