SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I played the "pick-me" dance, went through the gaslighting until it nearly destroyed me. You can tell by my number I've been around a long time and don't post much. This is very sad and unfortunately the OP will have to make the determination whether 1/100 of a loaf is enough.

I want to elaborate a bit on what I shared and what Sisoon is posting.

We might not be optimistic about your chances of reconciling, but there is a chance. However the key factor is not what you do, but what she is willing to do. No change = no chance.
If she can acknowledge that having affairs is wrong, that its not honest, honorable, expected, accepted or expected and if she’s willing to change that… then everything is open. But just dealing with THIS last affair… no… it wont work.

a long time to break it off

Given that the SI rule of thumb is '2-5 years to recover', I don't consider 10 weeks a long time.

What I meant was:

If my WS took 10 weeks to go NC while watching me suffer, that would not bode well for reconciliation. If the shock of D-Day alone, witnessing firsthand all the manifestations of trauma on your BS playing out in graphic detail right in front of you, all day, every day does not snap your WS out of "The Fog" and she continues to maintain contact with the AP, knowing full well the increasing damage, the cruelty, the pain she’s causing with each interaction, would never sit well with me. Years into R, looking back, that, THAT would cause me lasting resentment and endless questioning. Knowing that it took my WS 10 weeks to make up her mind and commit to R and 10 weeks to stop the torture of failed NC.

Both Bigger’s and Sassoon’s corrections on my comment of SI being "Pro-Reconciliation" are spot-on more accurate than my representation-Thanks!

Admittedly I was a terrible husband

So I have too many people relying on me to be able to do anything for myself.

You need to move out from your wife. You need to get a little apartment and focus on your life. Your kids are grown adults and should know that their om cheated on their dad which is probably why you flew off the rails in the past. They know something is up. I bet they know everything and feel you treat them like children instead of adults.
So, I think you have a martyr complex.
Bring this up with your IC!
So I will ask you what most martyrs need to ask themselves.
What have you done for yourself today?
Do you feel it is ok to do things for yourself or do you feel guilty?
If you feel it is ok, then why are you putting other people's needs above your own?
If you feel guilty doing things for yourself, when did this start?
Do you think other people feel guilty when they do things for themselves?
You speak of not wanting to burden others but burden yourself. Why do you think so little of others? Why don't you think they could handle the burdens you handle?
Have you ever felt care free or without burden? For how long and what was happening? Do you think that is normal or a way to live a life to its max?
Are you doing everything because you feel it is expected?
Who expects you to do everything?
If you don't let anybody lessen the load, how can they help you?
When was the last time someone lessened your load? Did you feel love and joy towards them?

So, with people who feel they need to do everything. Usually the people in their lives think that person is controlling and resent them without appreciating what they are getting. I am saying this because like your son, you should tell your problems to the people you support because they also support you. He should feel comfortable talking about his issues, especially with his family. He could see your stoic wanting to control how the kids view their parents as an example of not sharing your problems. It is extremely unhealthy and will cause your son to follow in your exact foot steps if you aren't careful. He will internalize any problem he has until it explodes. Then he will hate himself for how it exploded and reset the pain cycle.
So, I recommend leaving for a bit because you need to get your head straight away from your wife. You should look into hiring some temp help (Holidays are coming and people need extra money) for your business. Just for a couple of weeks. Then figure out an in home nursing/care system you can put into place for your parents for 2 weeks. Then get away without your wife. Go where she can't contact you, just the kids and your parents in case of emergency. Whenever someone calls, ask what the emergency is. If they don't have a legitimate emergency they can't handle (Not don't want to, CAN'T) then tell them you are sick and this is you getting better, you believe they can handle the issue and you will be back in a couple of weeks.
This would be perfect you time. Time to unpack your issues and really plan the rest of your life. You sound like you are mid 50s or 60s. That is 2/3 of your life. How are you going to handle the last 1/3? You need to figure that out. You should use the 2 weeks to first spend the first week just breathing and sleeping. Recovering from the hard work you have put into your life. Then spend the second week planning on how you regularly get weeks like the first.
If you want to talk about your wife, we can, but I will say she knows you won't ever leave. So how can she chase you? The APs are people who she thinks she values and she assumes you will always be there. Show her you won't be there and leave. Make her swear she will become a better wife like you became a better husband. You gave her the marriage of her dreams, where is your dream marriage?
I had a lot of the same issues you did. Mine was more focused on my kids, but also, I figured if I made others around me happy sooner or later they would make me happy. I found that to be wrong. I was trying to manipulate people into doing what I thought they should do by earning favor with them, then expecting them to return the favor without saying it. It made me resent the people in my life for a while which is why I focused on my kids because then I could expect nothing in return and be seen as normal. Eventually you have to take care of yourself. You know you better than anyone and unless you speak up for yourself and take care of yourself you will just be another head stone in a grave yard that is missed, but your life will be full of regret because you killed yourself. You took yourself out of your life, and made it about everyone else. While admirable, admiration isn't your whole life. If you were diagnosed with terminal cancer today, you would life to its max. So pretend you have cancer, try to live life like that and figure out how to make everyday like that.

Thanks for the clarification, RB.

I expect that 10 weeks of continued contact would have made me less likely to R, but I was not going to push myself for a quick decision. I see the D/R decision as worth all the time one needs to make, and 10 weeks just isn't enough time for me to make a decision that will affect decades of life.

Now, if the signals are all one way or another, the decision is a lot easier, but when the signals are mixed, I need time to think.

WW cannot start NC until she quits that job.