SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ah that blows!! I didn’t want this to be true for you and I’m sorry that it is. {{{hugs}}}

Another possibility is he was meeting an escort there. Look for financial evidence.

Yes, that's crossed my mind as well!

For what it's worth, I have found this site helpful but not necessarily for the advice. It's hard to say what is right for a person to do when we know next to nothing about them.

I don't know yet what I am going to do. I can't reconcile but I might go down the line of staying here as a family unit (believe it or not we actually get along alright) until the kids have finished their exams, or at least the eldest has. This would also give me chance to get a better job and sort myself out a bit. I need to think through whether I can do this without ruminating about what he might be up to every time he isn't here.

Many here will probably say this is a mistake. Fair enough. I'm not so sure it's always that simple for the exact reasons you wrote about. So I will simply suggest what you decide to do now doesn't have to be final. Do what is right for you now, change if you wish later when your situation changes.
Wishing you the best.

I remember you from before. I’m so sorry. What a dick. Please see an IC to help support you through your decisions. Your in a tough spot and not telling friends and family will be wearing.

I'm so sorry, Debra. Some people just won't learn. They're just too damaged and/or disordered to give up the deceit. The one thing you can be sure of right now is that YOU were authentic. You were true.

((big hugs))

You know the routine—
*doctor for STD testing
*Take extra good care of yourself - eat well, lots of water, exercise, sleep
* Get into IC and confide in someone IRL to help you figure out what your next steps will be

And take some time to figure out what your next steps will be. Definitely look at getting your ducks lined up so you have more options.
You get to decide. But protect your heart. A soft 180 will help you get that detachment you need while you figure out what is best for you next.

I am so sorry he is an ass and didn’t recognize the gift you gave him. But be glad your spidey senses were working.
We are here if you need to vent/talk/be heard.

-BB

I'm so sorry to have read your posts. I don't have any great wisdom to share and I'd imagine that even if I did you're already familiar with it all.

I think you'd be doing yourself a great favor by separating as soon as possible. Divorce is scary and traumatic but soooo worth it. Life on the "other side" is much better than you might imagine.

Hi Debra,

I understand how crappy it is to be in for a second round. Been there, done that.

Like you, I really thought I was immune from a second affair. Obviously, I was wrong.

No advice, just empathy. I am a few years out, fully divorced. I am sad that my original family didn't remain intact, as I had hoped, but very grateful not to worry about my ex being inappropriate, crossing boundaries, deleting texts, etc. You don't realize how utterly stressful that is until you are out of it.

Take care of yourself and your kiddos, the only priority for now.

Oh honey I'm so sorry and hugs to you. You gave him a chance and he remained a WS. That he has the nerve to tell you it's "just sex" after already having cheated in the past and seeing what it did to you is just disgusting.

Just curious but did you plan out any course of action the last time in case he cheated again?

Here we go with the first bit of trickle truth - it's been a few months not 4 or 5 weeks. Accompanied by "What do you even care?"

Off to work now, have a good day everyone.

I remember you from last time, you were still posting when I joined. I’m sorry he hasn’t learnt anything from the first time around.

Just wanted to send some virtual hugs, I hope you find your answers and your path soon.

"I don't know yet what I am going to do. I can't reconcile but I might go down the line of staying here as a family unit (believe it or not we actually get along alright) until the kids have finished their exams, or at least the eldest has. This would also give me chance to get a better job and sort myself out a bit. I need to think through whether I can do this without ruminating about what he might be up to every time he isn't here."

King Solomon’s wisdom and Bertolt Brecht (Caucasian Chalk Circle) identify the true parent, the one who actually cares and takes responsibility for their children. That is not your WH, who sounds like he is still sending out sulky child gambits - "what do you even care"? - giving you the responsibility of one more child who seems only concerned for himself, whereas you are thinking of everybody, yourself, your kids, your parents. This turning you into his parent may be a lifelong thing or recent, but do not step into those shoes. But if you can manage, taking the time to think, plan, get your ducks in a row and keep a stable situation for your kids exams, sounds like a sensible and good plan. Get some legal advice asap, as I would be building up a secret separate running away fund as well. To counter the puer eternus attitude and behaviour in your WH, I would also be shifting considerably more responsibility for parenting onto him whilst trying to build up my own network and self care behaviours.

[This message edited by Edie at 12:06 PM, Monday, March 27th]

Accompanied by "What do you even care?"

Yeah this "man" ain’t remorseful. In fact, sounds like you’re dealing with a child in a man’s body.

I’m sorry, Debra. Hope you come up with a solid exit plan.

Thanks everyone. I am feeling okay, much better than last time. I went to work as normal and only cried once compared to last time when I couldn't eat or get out of bed and had to give up my job

Anyhow, we had a 'chat' this morning and the man child still thinks we could make it work and that maybe this (both the boredom and my 'coldness' and his affairs) is a normal phase all marriages go through and we could come out the other side.

I can tell you (and I told him) that that isn't happening. It's not alright. He is still in the affair.

He also said - and I mean this is very gracious of him - that he would be prepared to stay as we are (presumably with him still sleeping around) - until the youngest leaves. My youngest is 11.

Of course he would want to stay. We have a very nice home and I do pretty much everything - I plan the meals, I cook the meals, I sort everything out for the kids, I do the washing. Who wouldn't want maid service while they're visiting a brothel, eh? I organise everything - any travel arrangements, passports, train tickets, theatre trips. He just turns up. In the Summer we are going to see my sister in the US and again I have done everything, but he needs a new ESTA to go and I'm not doing it so he will probably not do it and won't be able to come anyway. His life is a long list of missed trains and so on, it is actually quite funny that he was too incompetent to sneak around without getting a parking ticket and therefore getting caught.

I have mentally checked out. I don't know when the physical moving out will happen, but it will. I need to talk to my dad without my mum being there in a few weeks when I'm clearer. We are all going away for a week together over Easter but that will be okay. Luckily our bedroom in the cottage has an extra bed in it and I will go in that. I said we needed to detach as we would both be happier with the current situation then and I had to explain to him what I meant by that.

I'm am 100% certain my life will be poorer but better on the other side of this. Another advantage is being able to cut off his parents who have been the bane of my life for 20 years. I am still concerned about the kids though. But I am in a better place (mentally) than last time for certain.

Of course he would want to stay. We have a very nice home and I do pretty much everything - I plan the meals, I cook the meals, I sort everything out for the kids, I do the washing. Who wouldn't want maid service while they're visiting a brothel, eh? I organise everything - any travel arrangements, passports, train tickets, theatre trips. He just turns up.

I was made aware of some stats today showing that married men live longer than single men. The above is exactly why, because a lot of men out there just turn up. Their live organised, their health taken care of by the ‘nagging’ wife who makes doctors appointments and cooks healthy foods and so on. How kind of him to want to stay in such an amazing environment for him.

I’m really sorry you have to deal with this again, it sounds like you know what you need to do as painful as it is.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 7:02 PM, Monday, March 27th]

He is really lucky to have met such a nice lady like you. Stay strong. This is just a season that will pass.

[This message edited by Nicolijha at 10:15 PM, Monday, March 27th]

I recently asked my son how he was doing with divorced parents. He shrugged, thought about it for a moment, and simply said that he's happier with happier parents.

I know from my own foo that kids can react quite differently. My sister's reactions to our parents getting divorced were the opposite of mine. My cousins were similar when their parents got divorced.

What makes the difference? I don't know. Personality, perspectives, experiences...

Regardless, the most important thing is to talk to your kids, listen carefully, and be as honest and authentic as possible.

Kids are more attuned to us than we typically want to believe or give them credit for. They may not agree but they'll understand.

Thank you. I am slowly coming round to that perspective, I know it has to end. It's only been since Saturday, I will do what needs to be done this time. I am a planner/organiser in the extreme and I don't like this kind of uncertainty so I am stressed but I am much better this time. I suspected this might be coming.

My kids are sensitive so I do worry about them. That's why I stayed before. I was set on leaving but a few days of my eldest crying on the stairs etc and I was paralysed. I know I need to focus longer term this time and I won't be retiring and looking after grandchildren with this man.

Good luck to you, DebraN. You seem levelheaded since this isn’t your first one. Take care of you, the kids. Don’t keep his secret for him.