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I am 20 months since D day and really struggling again. I am from the UK. Two things have happened that I think have caused this downwards spiral. First our wedding anniversary - it wasn't until the day that I feel really off. I have kept to our marriage vows and still feel so betrayed. Secondly my WH is going on holiday abroad, in a few weeks, with 2 friends who were there the night the first attraction with the OW was felt. They were all work friends. The other men don't know but one's girlfriend is good friends with the OW so it feels close to home. I'm am exhausted with the continual mind movies, watching for 'danger' when out with my WH. He isn't always helpful when I have a melt down. He is right - half my head is saying you @@@ you don't deserve me let's divorce where the other half wants to make it work. I have left him at home for some space for the afternoon and said we need a new approach but what is that??!! Please help.

Have you expressed your concerns about your WH’s upcoming trip? It seems to be giving you a lot of anxiety and 100% rightfully so.
Is it possible for him to not go? In order for your relationship to work, your WH will have to make choices that make you feel safe.

I can’t tell a lot about your current approach based on the limited information of your post.

But it sounds like you’re the one doing all of the work.

My wife wouldn’t be going on a trip with friends 20-months after dday. She wouldn’t have even asked, because she was concerned about my recovery and how I was doing.

So, if your WH is right — about your current mental state of mind — what is he doing to be a safe partner? Did he address why he needed validation outside of the M? How is he helping to repair the relationship?

Of course you cannot have BOTH feet back in to R if you’re still trying to heal.

No help or not enough help on meltdowns shows not much on empathy either.

He does realize you don’t owe him a last chance, right?

He knows exactly how it is making me feel and there he will 100% not cancel. I got him to agree that he will not go next year for definite and the year after we will see where we are. I feel so rubbish about it. He has had issues with me 'controlling' him in the past and sees this as part of this.

I think he just can't see my side at all. He is waiting for me to decide what I want to do? I want to be happy and calm but that feels out of reach.

He didn't ask about the trip - well he did - with the expectation that the answer would be yes. He has said that he was in a really bad place, he thought we would split up and she asked him to meet in a hotel to have sex so he said OK. For a year

He is waiting for me to leave him and so I think a bit of self protection is in play.

We have moved house, he has a new job and car. He is more open and loving than before...

Of course you cannot have BOTH feet back in to R if you’re still trying to heal.

That is such a helpful thing to hear. I feel like I am on a bungee rope being pulled one way then the other - stay or leave. I also feel broken.

Being open and more loving does not equate to being safe.
He is insensitive to your needs and healing.
It sounds like he has the upper hand in your relationship and is walking all over you. Maybe he thinks you will never leave him so he can do whatever he wants.
He’s saying you are controlling…… really? He wants you to be a doormat.
Sorry you are in this situation.

I’m so sorry you are hurting.

What is your WH doing to become a safe partner and fix himself?

I think deep down you know the truth, by what you’re describing it doesn’t sound like your WH is putting much work into the reconciliation process and in order to support your healing.

He’s still very much focused on himself and his needs (going on holiday with friends) rather than your and your marriage needs. To me the fact that he’s still going on holiday with friends when he can see this is causing you anxiety is showing that his remorse and empathy are absent.

When you add the fact that he considers you control him rather than understanding the trauma he inflicted on you I think the picture is pretty grim… I’m sorry.

I also feel broken.

I so remember feeling the same way.

I do think it breaks us all to some extent.

We do all make it through, and it doesn’t seem that way when there is so much more healing to go.

Here’s the thing. Your WH horrible choices do NOT reflect on you. The irony of feeling broken is that your WH is the one who was operating as a broken soul — seeking value beyond his M, broken esteem, poor boundaries, etc., etc.

My IC compared the emotional trauma of infidelity is like the physical trauma of being hit by a bus.

So, be kind to YOU.

It takes lots of time and effort to heal.

You need to remember you are the kind soul who kept her end of the relationship up, kept your vows.

Make your choice to stay or go from a position of strength. Find your value. You did NOTHING wrong. All you did was love your WH.

Make your recovery about you for now, and if he wants in on the M, he’s going to have to work for it.

Otherwise, his lack of effort should eventually make your choice a whole lot easier.

How is he being more loving? He sounds unremorseful.

What work has he done to become a safe partner?

Wedding Anniversaries have been triggering for me too. Creating new memories and new shared experiences has helped us.

About 20 months post D Day, my FWH took a trip back to the abroad to visit elderly parents, see friends there, and generally get some support for himself. It might not be a popular opinion here, but carrying the burden of being the perpetrator of the betrayed's devastation is a big load to carry. I think that is the crux of the wayward's self work. They can do only so much to help you heal. But, they have to take stock of themselves and responsibility for their actions. It's a lot. He did a lot right, but is human. It was incredibly difficult for me at the time too.

20 months post DDay, I wasn't sure I wanted to be married to him either. When I'm triggered, I'm not sure about it now. But, thankfully those triggers are fewer. I am grateful for where we are now. But, in those downward spirals, I'm not sure I really want to be ME....let alone married to him.

When he travelled then...I still had tracking apps - with his buy in - on his phone. I knew where I could find him at any time. That was of dubious comfort, but was a start. I asked him to check in with me a lot. I could "trust, but verify". That helped a bit. He did check in a lot. He did show me that he was thinking about me.

Can you tell him how you're feeling without attacking or getting flooded? It's a tall order, but it will help. And, you do not have to stay married to him. You can tap out at any time. You don't have to do this. It IS exhausting. I'm so sorry you're here. No matter what, you will survive this. You will start to feel better. Is it possible for you to go with him?

Going on holiday with someone who has a fairly close connection to the OW is not loving or kind and does not indicate remorse or a willingness to do what it takes to become a safe partner.

It doesn't sound like he's got much interest in taking initiative to do the heavy lifting required to truly R and is just waiting around on you to make a decision. I think the next step should be a heart-to-heart conversation about whether or not you each want to work towards saving the marriage.

Agree with the other posters that he does not sound remorseful or empathetic. The fact that he is putting this trip (that is causing you anxiety and rightfully so)above your mental well being says a lot about where his head is at. There is nothing "controlling" about not wanting him to go on this trip. It is a trigger for one and if he cannot see why that is it's because he doesn't care to. Acting nice towards you is not enough to R. Maybe you should pull back a bit and focus on your own healing and self care. If you do not see him going above and beyond to repair this M and do whatever needs to be done to make you feel safe I would reassess how to move forward.

There should be no trips until you are fully healed and reconciled, so possibly never. These are the consequences of betraying your trust, and a WS who wants to R will accept that without a fight. You already know he's not putting in the work if he's going on a trip against your wishes, one that he absolutely does not need to go on. You already know the answer to all of this.

I don't know what I would do in your position because I stayed through a ton of things I thought would be dealbreakers for R. But this is definitely on the top of Mt. Dealbreaker.

[This message edited by Revenger at 2:21 AM, Saturday, June 3rd]

I don’t know if I have anything to add that will be helpful other than to say I hear you and feel your pain. I’m 26 months post D day and while my wife just recently began reading a few of the resources, she’s not much expressed much, if anything, she’s learned from the readings. She has a best friend from years back who she confided in about the affair and her friend said nothing to stop her. She essentially supported it as she "just wanted my wife to be happy". I did tell my wife the other day in one of our talks that in my opinion, her friend is not a supporter of our marriage and she is toxic to our future. I didn’t demand she end her relationship with her but I told her to be conscious of the influence her friend has over her. I also told her I’d never forbid her from going on a girls weekend with her but for her to do so would be very upsetting for me and would likely put our recovery in jeopardy. Knowing that, if she were to go somewhere with her friend, it would pretty much tell me where I rank in her world of importance. Good luck and I pray you find peace. I know I wish I could.

It’s worth restating how none of us really knew how devastating the effect of infidelity is to a BS and how much of a shock it is to find ourselves so debilitated by it for so long. I say this, not to excuse your FWH, but it’s as if he has not yet fully assimilated the deeply altered landscape where BI -before infidelity - and after infidelity - AI demarcate the cataclysmic moment of change. There could be several reasons for this lack of assimilation, whether insufficient work at empathy and understanding, or taking responsibility for his behaviour, insufficient imagination, perhaps he is a little self centred and entitled, or perhaps he’s a bit of a lad, not prepared to grow up….and so on ad infinitum. The control accusation is fairly classic deflection. It could be again from an immature perspective, one that then casts you defiantly in a parental role, or self-centredness in a darvo manoeuvre (deflect, argue and reverse victim and offender) amongst other possibilities. He might well be in a bad place as he says and need the space, both of which are very understandable but now in AI times needs a completely different approach to communicating his needs and a much better understanding of yours. If he claims the A was a result of him being in a bad place, then him being in a bad place again is hardly going to reassure you and help you feel safe, so this is a good opportunity for you both to work out how both your needs can be met, in a way that helps you both move forward. Currently, it’s not clear if he is in fact remorseful as there’s more than a whiff of victimhood coming from him as justification for his continuing lack of responsibility to taking care of the new AI landscape, at least from the details you have provided above, but it may be he is being more mindful than they suggest.

I don’t know whether you have tried counselling, but your hypervigilance presents like PTSD and could be helped through counselling and processes like EMDR or Rewire therapy, which will help reduce the hyperarousal, fear and mind movies. You ask how long but wedding anniversaries and other triggers will be active minefields for a while and together you can work on reducing their effects, but first he needs to understand how PTSD operates in the central nervous system and not use inflammatory words like control. In the end, whilst his task is to work to regain and earn back your trust, your task is to work towards trust of yourself, trust that you will be ok whatever happens. I am sympathetic to how difficult it can be for a WS sometimes in the aftermath, but in this instance it feels as if he is making it all about him. Is he prone to such solipsism?

Sending a big hug to you. It will get better but sounds like communication is still lacking and could be worked on. This could be facilitated by marriage counselling if you feel you and he are both feeling you are not heard by the other (as suggested by the assumptions he is making in lieu of actually checking in with you). Btw, both I and my FWH travel without each other, for work and other reasons and continued to post A, although for quite a while him going to THAT city was very, very difficult for me. Nevertheless I personally don’t agree with suggestions above that no trips should be made until you are fully healed. For one thing that makes such individual travel a very large elephant that sits as a wedge getting bigger and bigger, or at least it would have felt that way to me. The only thing we can ultimately control is ourselves and I had no wish to be my husband’s jailer or spend my life policing his whereabouts, or restricting his movements. He therefore had as much rope as he wished to hang himself, if hanging himself was what he wanted. With that in mind, I had to work out what I, not he, needed to do for me to feel safe. And that came down to self trust. But I do completely understand about your trigger re the connection to OW’s friend. I guess the question to your WH is whether he considers his two male friends to be friends of the marriage? I don’t know if you have read Shirley Glass’s Not Just Friends. It might be useful for both you and your WH.

[This message edited by Edie at 8:23 AM, Monday, June 5th]