SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi All,

Thanks for the feedback, advice etc. My WW is a journaler, and that's what I discovered, so I got to read her affair in all the gory details from her perspective while she was going through it. I have a little too much clarity to the affair details honestly, so take that for what it's worth.

In regards to the OBS, she will know, but I'm not doing anything before I have a little time with a therapist. I'm going to burn the AP's world down around him. But I need to do it at a pace right now.

My only goal currently is to get control of these emtional swings a little more. I'm focussing on me and only me. My WW has been my sounding board, punching bag etc etc (figuratively mind you). I know many of you "hardercore" people will think I'm going to slow, or not doing enough. I completely understand actually. It's not disagreeing.

I've been cheated on twice now. My first wife was THE text book narcissistic cheater, gaslighter, blameshifter etc. etc. So I've seen that behavior upfront and personal.

My WW now is doing everything (except for that first day lieing....which sounds too much like, aside from the ending, how did you like the play Mrs. Lincoln), she's been responding as best I could ask. It doesn't change the pendulum of emotions necessarily...but it's at least allowing me to keep my promise of no action for 2 months. There are two big obstacles....one...she has finally come to realize just how selfish she is as a person and I don't know if I can trust that she'll be able to change that long term. Everyone can change behavior in the short term, but this can't be in the short term only. And the second is simply her AP is/was a better lover than I am. I don't say that from a point of emotion, but logic. He's younger (and you guys over 50 know what I'm talking about), doesn't have heart issues, was in much better shape (which is something I'm working on...I've already dropped 10lbs because I'm using exercise to get myself through the bad times). I don't know if I'll ever want to make love to her again. Obviously there's the trauma side and the "you don't deserve me" mentality I have..but also I can't do the whole "reclaiming" my wife. I think that's an idiotic idea.

So that's where I am.

I am glad you are going to tell the OBS and light a fire under the OM's arse.

I can't think of a worse betrayal than your WW to cheat for over a year when you had probably the worst medical condition you have ever had.

I couldn't reconcile with that situation. Maybe you can and maybe you will but I wiould re-read Hellfire's post about 10 down from the beginning. She hit a Babe Ruth Home Run with her post.

Your points seem to tell me she has affaired up but in reality, she has affaired down. The problem is that , per your own words, she perhaps thought he was better sexually and that may kill your sex life with her.

A buddy of mine always told me about his situation. If your marriage is damaged beyond repair, should you start from scratch with a new person who is clean or would you go out with a proven cheater ?

I am not arguing with you if you want R but you have to think deeply about who you look at every day and what it means for your future.

I agree with you. You should never have to 'reclaim your wife'. It is her job to reclaim you. And ultimately, that is your decision

Yes....Hellfire is right. Bringing the AP into the marital home is a great big fuck you middle finger from the WS to the BS. I hope she didn't have him in your bed.

I can't do the whole "reclaiming" my wife. I think that's an idiotic idea.

Yes, that would be idiotic and back asswards. SHE should be trying to reclaim YOU, right?

So, if you’re going to kill yourself getting yoked in the gym, hoping to meet her sexual needs, what then? What will happen after the next medical setback? Currently, her love seems quite conditional.

The fact that she carefully documented her affair in journal shows premeditation, awareness, presence of mind and, perhaps, some sentimentality. Did she journal the affair for sentimental reasons? Did she journal the A for conscience deconfliction, self speak, internal dialogue? Were there entries in the journal that indicate regret or concern for you? The fact that she continued this A for over a year indicates many passed over opportunities to off-ramp, instead CHOOSING to double down and continue. How-why did the A continue? How-why did the A end? Does she regret having the A, or just getting caught? What is the nature of her regret? Why does she wish to reconcile?

What a ducking Father’s Day. Kids did amazing cards and gifts and I’m breaking down reading them trying to make it seem like tears of happiness etc. my daughter, who i got to spend the day before Father’s Day swabbing her cheek, asks me "Is this the best Father’s Day you’ve ever had?" And now I’m up in my room because i know i can’t be in front of anyone without breaking down.

FML

That's a tough one, brother. Your kids sound amazing. Hang your hat on that one if nothing else.

As for the pain, there is no other way but through. You have to experience in it's entirety in order to truly understand where to go from here. And like everything else in life, this too shall pass.

Sorry you are hurting.

What a ducking Father’s Day. Kids did amazing cards and gifts and I’m breaking down reading them trying to make it seem like tears of happiness etc.

First holidays after infidelity really suck. Sorry you're hurting.

leafields - First holidays after infidelity really suck. Sorry you're hurting

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Yeah. I’m struggling with triggers. I think of a memory and bam get hit with connecting it to her affair.

Truly sucks

What is she saying about why she did this? How did she allow herself to to cross this barrier? Did you find this answer in her journal. Also did she badmouth you in there as well?

Dennylast - What is she saying about why she did this? How did she allow herself to to cross this barrier? Did you find this answer in her journal. Also did she badmouth you in there as well?

She’s saying that she’d had been depressed and lonely, which she has been. So even though she knew it was wrong, it gave her a high and lifted her emotionally while it was going on. She never bashed me, but she definitely, HIGHLY praised her AP. So there was no verbal insults, but I definitely feel less than.

On a business trip and have so much rage inside me this morning. The worst part of this is I’m not sleeping well, and that’s critical for my heart.

The worst part of this is I’m not sleeping well, and that’s critical for my heart.

Talk to your Dr about this, and what's really going on, you need something to help you quiet your mind and allow you to sleep. Let go of the outcome if you can, it's really hard to do, but is really essential for your well being.

Ahurthusband

Wow. That is hurtful and I fully get your pain and your sense of betrayal – especially during a period you needed her support.

It’s strange – it somehow seems that hard times either unite a couple or tear them apart. The later being more common that one would expect…

I want to offer you some very broad guidelines to help you recover. Right now – with your hurt – they might not seem helpful, but I personally think they might be the key to recovery.

The biggest realization I have made is that you are only married because you want to be married. This goes both ways…
When you are all curled up and wailing about your misery… remind yourself that you are only there because you have decided to be there… This is so key to my way of living and has been in my tagline for over a decade. This realization might not make you feel better, but it reminds you that you CAN decide to change your situation. Often the options might not sound so great, but in nearly all cases there is an opening that can get you to a better place, and that place in turn offer other slightly better options.

I think that if we know we are dealing with something that we precieve as precious and delicate we tend to handle it with more seriousness and care. Like the difference in carrying a raw egg versus a boiled one. We know that if we drop the boiled one nothing major will happen, whereas the raw one will break and spill.
I think it can be beneficial for BOTH of you if you were to tell your wife that discovering the affair has really impacted you in so many ways, and that there is no foregone conclusion that your marriage will survive this. That if you two don’t deal with this with the seriousness required it could end.

Then accept that you can only reconcile from the truth. That means she needs to be totally upfront with (more-or-less) anything you ask.
You also need to dare voice your concerns. Like your fear about comparison to OM. But then – you can also point out that if he was so great she’s totally free to seek him out. Only not as your wife. The freedom I suggested you have – you both have it. Maybe you need to hear from HER that she chose you over OM, rather than you feel like you were some backup-plan.

I guess what I’m trying to get across is that if SHE is the cause of your unhappiness and you think that she’s only there because you are some form of safe-haven then you are totally capable and free to end this marriage. Just like if she lacks something then she’s totally free to seek it – only not as your wife. With this realization that whatever "chains" we envision our marriage to be are chains of our own making and therefore of our own removal I think we can get a great sense of purpose and power.

Tushnurse- I called my cardiologist office today but didn’t get an answer.

Bigger - thank you for the advice. I’m actually in that mindset and have expressed that to my WW. She’s doing everything in her power to salvage us, etc. frankly, if there wasn’t this issue, I wouldn’t fallen even deeper in love with her, but I can’t. She said I love you thinning but I told her I can’t reciprocate that right now. She said she understood but wanted me to know it anyway. She’s been completely honest and open and answering every question now.

On a side note. I got the text that the paternity lab received the samples and is working on the test and I should know by Thursday night. I’m an emotional wreck.

Just keep in mind that the recovery time for infidelity can be between 2-5 years (I'm sure you probably remember all too well from the first time), and you're going to be a metronome for a long time. I hope you've told her that there will be days when you want to hold her and keep her close, but there will also be days when you want nothing more than for her to die and take your painful memories with her.

Icedover, exactly. We’ve spoken about it and she said she take what she can get and give me whatever I need. As long as we dine give up.

AHH, sorry you are here, but glad to see you are getting good advice. Your last post triggered something for me. Do not let her position you filing for D, should you choose to do so, as giving up. She gave up on your marriage when she had her A. By filing for D you'd simply be formalizing the decision she made without your consent all those years ago. Do not let her twist it.

You're doing very well with this overall. Keep moving forward.

Well said. ^^^^
One day at a time.

Well I’ve had the best news I could have since D-day.

My daughter is MINE!!! I knew that I would’ve continued to be her daddy no matter what the result was. But it definitely would’ve been more therapy. But I’m >99.999999% her father. I can’t verbalize how relieved I am. Every time my phone went off over the past two days, my heart was in my throat.

Great news about your daughter. So happy the results are so conclusive.