SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am past the middle part of A season...and I have to admit that it is going much better than I thought! I have had a few blow outs...3...but for the most part I am not dwelling on it. Because I have so much information from the A my H had while working overseas...I could tell just how much time they spent together...which wasn't much. It doesn't matter though...the first time he messaged the adultery co-conspirator my H nuked our M. It has been kind of a curse in the past knowing all of what I know because I also have the added memory of what I was feeling during this time. The manipulation...gaslighting...lying that my H did to me during this time has brought out ANGER like nothing else I have ever had to deal with.

I learned a long time ago that anger is a secondary emotion...brought on by a primary emotion such as guilt...hurt...etc. For ME...the DISRESPECT my H showed me brought about this visceral ANGER every time I thought about it. It was hard to look for the primary emotion when the anger would hit...but through all of these years I have been able to focus on looking for it in order to work on that emotion...which would cause the anger to subside. Moving past the memories of what I THOUGHT had happened to the REALITY of what actually happened has helped me to see my H's A in a different perspective.

What my H was doing to my mental health during his A was so destructive. I was made to feel like I was crazy for questioning my H about certain items on his expense reports...or other feelings my GUT was screaming at me for. But I took it back...or as I like to say...I OWNED IT!! It took work...and I couldn't rush the process. Lord knows I tried!! Little by little though I became stronger. In the end I realized what the vets on here had been trying to get me to understand...my H's A had NOTHING to do with ME. MY feelings...MY truths...MY actions during this time...they were all SINCERE. I was collateral damage...but my CORE was still very much intact.

Looking at his A without all of that emotional baggage...I can clearly see that the MOST disrespect was what my H and his adultery co-conspirator showed each other. The manipulation...gaslighting...and lying was needed in order for each of them to continue having their A. I would think that this is true for ALL A's. After Dday...once each of them knew that they were being USED by the other...as IS the case in ALL A's...any residual feelings they may have had for each other dissipated quickly. I can definitely understand this! When people have used me in the past...including my H...my feelings have completely changed.

The manipulation...gaslighting...and lying was actually the worst thing each of them did to themselves. When my H got out of the A fog and had to face the reality of what the A actually was...the DISGUST he felt was overwhelming. The adultery co-conspirator had written an email to my H after he sent her the NC message on Dday. In it she told him how dumping her like he did made her feel like a USED...USELESS...NOBODY. The thing is though...she agreed to the "rule" that after my H left her country...they would no longer have ANY contact. All of these "rules" were agreed to before they ever had sex...so the adultery co-conspirator KNEW them. She may have felt though that rules were made to be broken because morals tend to be lacking with cheaters.

What I used to see as a curse...I now see as a BLESSING! I do need to address the tinge of glee that I have felt periodically from seeing them each self destruct...but I will deal with that later...LOL! My main feeling toward them is empathy. I definitely wouldn't want to be in either of their shoes...but I can still feel compassion for them falling so far off of the right path to end up where they did.

I still pray for the adultery co-conspirator...and I truly hope that she has found some kind of healing to stop this destructive pattern. She told my H that her first A was with her Aunt's boyfriend...because she had admired him so much when she was growing up. To ME...it seems like he was a predator who was grooming her at a young age to have sex with him. The adultery co-conspirator may have had a skewed vision of what LOVE really is from this man's possible grooming. Who knows. She ended up losing her husband when he found out she had an A with her boss. One would think that this would change her perspective on A's...but apparently it clearly didn't. The adultery co-conspirator CAN still be redeemed...like my H has. I sincerely HOPE that she has sought to go on the right path.

As for ME...I'm doing pretty good! The trauma from the A will always be there...just like every other trauma I have been through. EVERYONE experiences some type of trauma in their lifetime. It took me over 10 years of grieving after my Mama passed away before I could start to see a path forward from the trauma of losing her. Death is so FINAL. I used to think that cheating was FINAL also. That was the experience I had when my 1st H cheated on me. But...my friends...it doesn't have to be. There can be a BEAUTIFUL M that can come out of all of this UGLINESS. My H and I are living proof of that!!

Your posts and thought processes are always helpful to me, Want2Be.

Most of the acute pain over my husband’s affair has subsided. I struggle around our anniversary, and feel some sadness now and then, but for the most part I’m in a mindset of looking forward rather than dwelling on the past.

But the one big thing I haven’t fully processed or gotten through the pain of is the month of gaslighting and lying he put me through between DDays one and two. Dday 1 happened in early June. I pay all our bills and do the family budgeting, and while paying the phone bill, I noticed it was higher than usual and that the overall text/phone usage was much higher than usual. I figured it was our younger daughter, who had just gotten a phone. Or covid, since we we were working/schooling from home and in more virtual contact with people rather than in person. But nope; it was my husband, and the hundreds upon hundreds of phone call minutes and texts were to one number. It is an understatement to say this was unusual for him—the man is not talkative.

When I saw the number, despite having no way of recognizing or distinguishing it, I knew exactly who it was. It’s weird how your subconscious can be aware, even when it hasn’t percolated to the surface of your mind.

We were not in the same city at that time—we had been alternating going 3 hours away to stay with and care for his sister, who was on hospice. Between the distance and my deer-in-the-headlights confusion and horror, it took me a week to confront him. In my naïveté it never occurred to me to do anything but ask him directly what was going on. I totally believed he would tell me the truth, because that’s the relationship I thought we had built over 20 years of marriage.

But he lied and gaslit, and lied and gaslit some more. For a month I was a complete mess, psychologically. I trusted him, and so my inclination was to believe, but it wasn’t adding up. It was so destabilizing, mentally, to be gaslit like that, and to have my partner of 20+ years lie so committedly. There was a point where I was looking for therapists because I thought I must be really mentally unstable and that Covid and other life stressors were turning me into a crazy jealous distrustful person. Long story short, I’m not a complete idiot, and after a month something just clicked in my head. I realized I just straight up didn’t believe a word he was saying. At that point all the fog melted away. I found his old phone, got into it, and found a bunch of their communications.

DDay2 was a complete turnaround, and he answered every question I had and there was almost no trickle truth or holding back. It was still a super rough year and a half because we didn’t know how to approach the issue of him working with her and all the drama around that, but that’s another story.

All that to say the gaslighting and lying has turned out to be the hardest thing for me to process and recover from. Not him falling in love with someone else, not the sex. The lying. It hurts more because I found out later that when she learned I had seen the phone records and was suspicious, she pulled out all the emotional blackmail stops and demanded that he never, ever tell me. And he prioritized her, and lied to me. They spent that month strategizing how to lie to me, and she took a major role in that. So it’s hard for me to feel like they were lying to and gaslighting each other, when they were both conspiring to lie to me. They had all the info; I was being treacherously betrayed and deceived. (This is why your choice to call your husband’s AP his co-conspirator resonates so much with me).

We’re in the month of June, which to me still feels like the month of lying. It’s not nearly as bad as it was the last couple of years, but it still comes to the fore at times. It’s the one area where I feel like I still have pain to feel and process and deal with.

I’m not sure your exact way of dealing with your pain over being gaslit and lied to will work for me because of the difference in circumstances, but it’s nonetheless helpful to hear in detail how another person processed and got through it. It gives me hope. Thank you.

WTBHA: What a thoughtful helpful post. It seems like you have a very healthy perspective on all the events. Whether this makes you healed or not seems almost irrelevant because with that kind of balanced view of the events it seems certain you will heal more and more with time. You seem to see what was done to you very clearly, without minimizing the level of deceit or apologizing for your willingness to believe and subsequent realization of the truth. I completely agree that the gaslighting is one of the cruelest pieces. To this day my therapist cringes when she thinks about how she wanted to prescribe me an anti-psychotic because I was paranoid about my husband’s behavior. The marriage counselor had contacted her to say that my husband was totally above board and I was suspicious of him unnecessarily. I bet you can guess how true that turned out to be.

Grieving: your play by play of the phone was triggering - probably too many because the phone records are the giveaway for so many. Also so good to read, as a reminder of everything we have all been through, and how similar everyone’s stories are. The phone records are a simultaneously horrible and perfect way to find out. It is all there in black and white. As you said, we can try to lie to ourselves hard but in a reasonable amount of time we just cant deny facts. I am grateful for the many "facts" I found in my sleuthing because when everything is a hazy fog of lies the basic facts of locations, phone records et cetera are something our brains can make sense of.

I am so sorry for all you both went through. One of you mentioned that everyone goes through trauma in their life. I wholeheartedly agree with that and believe that it does provide some comfort. Our spouses’ cheating had zero to do with us and everything to do with their damaged souls. We were truly collateral damage.

My spouse and I have made substantial progress. Areas to work on remain. He still perceives my distrust as a lack of forgiveness. I tried to explain to him that they are completely unrelated. I can forgive him (not that I really fully have yet, and he knows this), but even when and if I forgive him I may still have distrust at times. Last week he had to go pick up papers at one of the offices where he cheated. The AP no longer works there but just him being in that space at night is a huge trigger. So I showed up unexpectedly. Being in the room where he kissed her was awful and when he said I can show you around all the offices so you can see no one is here I took him up on it. He had some resentment about that. That’s a problem. Otherwise in general he is remorseful, has made significant changes to be more safe and to address triggers in a compassionate way. I tend to point out the exceptions, where he was NOT as compassionate as he should be because I don’t want to rugsweep ever again.

I like the way you pray for the adultery CC WTBHA. I am not religious generally but this experience has caused me to lean on those tools. I also pray for them. I try to think kindly of them because I know it will help to heal me. It is not always easy because she chose to reinjure me many more times in the 7 years after the A (trying to rejoin his company, trying to get him to provide both her father and mother medical care and parking at his office to stare through the window). But I guess that just shows what a broken individual they are.

Interesting how you both have a slight difference on the issue of whether they lied to and betrayed each other. Like Grieving I am angry about how the conspired against me. But, even when they were doing that it was with very different motives. He conspired so as not to get caught. He carried on the A while secretly making arrangements to have her forced out of her job working for him with severence. She was shocked when the axe fell. For her the purpose of conspiring was to get him to have a real relationship with her, maybe to marry her. She lied to him by pretending to care about him while simultaneously blowing up his life. So in my mind it is more akin to what WTBA said…that all A’s are about deceiving the other party. They rarely have the same motives and goals for the A.

So painful to read this. The gaslighting really is the hardest part. It makes me feel like my spouse has become a total stranger. I cannot believe he is capable of such lies and manipulation.

In my case my husband lied for 4 years and thought they could go back to being friends. And I have been lied to for years. Oh I questioned it plenty but was lied to repeatedly. I then had to hang out with this person who pretended to be my friend.

Sometimes I think the magnitude of this betrayal will consume me. But then I’m starting to think I’m an independent lady and although sharing custody would be awful, I can be alone. That is my safety net/plan to try to not attach myself to any outcome but to take care of myself now and MY needs.

Grieving...as I was reading your post I kept thinking how SIMILAR our stories were! Obviously there are differences...but my H and I were apart for 10 weeks...and he had his A 9 1/2 weeks out of those 10. I was at home...doing all of the bills and budgeting and whatever else I could to help keep him from having to deal with any issues while he was overseas. I wanted to let his workload be as light as possible. He was working 6-7 days a week...12 hours each day...so I wanted to make his time off be as pleasant as could be. It was SICKENING to know that I made it so easy for him that he took advantage of that and had his A. When he wasn't with the adultery co-conspirator he was on Tagged and Craigslist...looking for others to have NSA sex with.

Our phone contract didn't work overseas...but my H had another phone from there that he would call the adultery co-conspirator on. He did text her on Whatsapp from the phone we had a contract with...but Whatsapp texts didn't show up on the usage part on our phone bill. So our call/text usage didn't change. But his expenses on his expense report showed he was spending differently than when I was there. I saw "koffie" on his dinner bill several times...and I was confused as to why he was drinking coffee that late at night. He explained it away but after Dday he told me it was his adultery co-conspirator who was drinking the coffee. He would drink beer...but he didn't put that on his expenses. He wouldn't put her food on the expenses either...but he included her coffee since he didn't put his drink on there. This helped me to corroborate when they were together.

That mental feeling of being crazy...jealous...and distrustful...I KNOW that feeling very well. My head kept telling me I was all those things because my H didn't lie to me...he wouldn't...he COULDN'T!! We were married for over 28 years at that point...so it was so surreal to have my GUT screaming at me at the same time that my head was saying all of this was MY fault for not believing my H. I KNEW though...deep down...and it looks like YOU KNEW in your case too.

It hurts more because I found out later that when she learned I had seen the phone records and was suspicious, she pulled out all the emotional blackmail stops and demanded that he never, ever tell me. And he prioritized her, and lied to me. They spent that month strategizing how to lie to me, and she took a major role in that. So it’s hard for me to feel like they were lying to and gaslighting each other, when they were both conspiring to lie to me.

My H was determined to take this secret to his grave. They talked about how they would continue to keep in touch without me ever knowing. They strategized all of this...so they could keep their "dirty little secret". Obviously...that never panned out. My H confessed to his A two days after he came home. Because my H had been so adamant with her that he would NEVER tell me...the adultery co-conspirator didn't believe him when he told her in his message that he confessed to me. She kept trying to contact him...telling him that she could make his life hell...like he made hers...unless he contacted her.

I apologize for not knowing how your Dday came about. From what you have written...you had Dday 1 when you saw the phone number and KNEW who it was? Then he continued to lie to you for a month until you found his old phone...with communications between them on it...and that was Dday 2? I am assuming that he then stopped ALL contact with her at that moment? To ME...he didn't prioritize HER...he prioritized HIMSELF. I could be projecting here...so please feel free to correct me...but your H was probably not thinking straight when he found out what you knew. The adultery co-conspirator had an answer that made sense in his addled brain...so he went along with it. Judging by the way he totally changed on Dday 2...he HAD to have been struggling with lying to you like he was that month. Like my H...your H probably felt a huge sense of RELIEF when he could stop lying to you. It doesn't make sense. NOTHING about an A makes sense!!

What the adultery co-conspirator did doesn't make sense either...unless she was married too? Is that why she demanded that he never tell you...so that her H wouldn't find out? Could she have maybe threatened that HER H would maybe seek retaliation against your H? Fear of being pummeled by her H could be what was driving your H to keep you in the dark for sure!

I wasn't anywhere near being healed at 3 years...but I did feel like I was turning a corner toward healing. It took me several more years before I could start dissecting things that happened during his A in a more clinical way...without the emotional stuff getting in my way. It may be that way for you too Dear Lady! I KNOW that there is HOPE for y'all...especially if your H is being ALL IN!!

Stillconfused2022...

all A’s are about deceiving the other party. They rarely have the same motives and goals for the A.

I totally AGREE with this! I was a basket case for about 2 to 2 1/2 years. I was caught off guard...and didn't know which way was UP for a long while. I then questioned EVERYTHING about our relationship...how could I not? Thankfully I found this AWESOME place a few months after Dday...and my path to healing was helped along by the kindness of so many people on here! I didn't see it as kindness at first though...but I stayed on here...reading and taking in what others on here were writing about.

My H helped a lot too though. Unknowingly...so did I...lol!! I had lived through this nightmare with my 1st H...so as soon as my 2nd H confessed to his A...my body just took over...and I immediately told my H our M was over...NO emotion whatsoever. I felt like I was watching a movie...and the star was ME!! I still feel so much gratitude for the way my "lizard brain" protected me from this same scenario that actually played out almost 30 years earlier...to the DAY!

My H said that when he was getting ready to confess...he braced himself for the crying and screaming he expected from me. The matter-of-fact tone I used to tell him the M was over...and the calm demeanor I showed when I got up to leave the room...telling him he could message the adultery co-conspirator to get their future started because we were DONE...this sent shockwaves through my H! Just a few minutes earlier he started his confession saying he loved me like he had never loved anyone else...but he didn't think he was IN LOVE with me anymore. When I left the room though...he said his heart SANK. He then knew without a doubt that he was indeed in love with me...and he didn't know what to do...all he wanted was to be by me!! My limbic system not only shocked ME...it shocked HIM too...LOL!! He has never looked back. From that day on my H has focused on US for the most part. There were setbacks at first...but we overcame them and kept moving FORWARD!

Last week he had to go pick up papers at one of the offices where he cheated. The AP no longer works there but just him being in that space at night is a huge trigger. So I showed up unexpectedly. Being in the room where he kissed her was awful and when he said I can show you around all the offices so you can see no one is here I took him up on it. He had some resentment about that. That’s a problem.

Dear Lady...I ENVY you!! We haven't been back to Holland...where the A took place...so I can't go to ANY of those places where they went...and OWN them. Heck...the very 1st place where they met...it has closed down since Covid hit...so I won't be able to go there for sure. How did it feel after you got over the feeling of it being awful? Did you feel that you were able to take some of that BACK? Or as I like to say...did you OWN that office?? One wonderful BW on here said how POWERFUL it felt to sit in the SAME CHAIR that the adultery co-conspirator sat in....I would LOVE to feel that!! I have been able to take back...or OWN...so many triggers. Maybe one day we will go back...and I guarantee that if we do...I will track every space that the google timeline showed where they went...and OWN IT!!!

truthseeker77 ...ohhhh Dear Lady...your pain is still in that horrible RAW stage (((HUGS))). I am so sad to see you have to be here...but this is truly the BEST club you NEVER wanted to be in! Keep writing...keep asking questions...it doesn't matter how silly or trivial you think it might be. We are here to HELP...if only just to be here to LISTEN.

It makes me feel like my spouse has become a total stranger.

YES!! I would have bet our children's LIVES that my H would never cheat on me. What a FOOL I was!! He and the adultery co-conspirator became ENEMIES in my eyes. I remember wondering if my H was just biding his time until he was allowed back into Holland...and then he would leave me for her. Or...was he waiting until the adultery co-conspirator could get to come to America...and then he would dump me. I had NO CLUE what was going to happen...but I wanted to make sure I didn't let ANYTHING get past me again. That hyper vigilance was EXHAUSTING!!

I found out later that my H had actually started having online affairs for about 2 years before he had his PA with the adultery co-conspirator. He started with a secret email going into chat rooms. Then it went to webcamming and sexting. Someone from the time he was doing this had told him about a website called Tagged...and that was the place where he met the adultery co-conspirator. This was all happening when we were apart for 1-2 weeks at a time. It might would go 2 months between these times...but as soon as I would leave...he would get back to chat rooms and webcamming. According to him it was a RUSH to get to do these taboo things when he was alone...and it just kept evolving...with him wanting MORE. I was just as SHOCKED about the OA's as I was about the PA...ANY betrayal is so destructive.

That is my safety net/plan to try to not attach myself to any outcome but to take care of myself now and MY needs.

That's a GOOD plan!! Right now you NEED to take care of YOU first. Being on here is a great step as well!! For ME...I didn't work outside of the home...I gave up my job so that we could travel together. So what I did to help ME was to get a checking account in my name only...with enough money to see me through until I got back on my feet. I then bought a newer vehicle...in my name only. And I got a credit card in my name only as well. Once I felt secure enough so that I could LEAVE when I felt I needed to...I was then able to concentrate on what it would take for me to be able to STAY.

For R to be worthwhile...BOTH people have to be ALL IN. Honestly...I kept D on the table for probably 3 years. But my H never wavered in his intention to be ALL IN. His ACTIONS were right in step with his WORDS. It is said on here often...ACTIONS over WORDS...but words MATTER! We are now almost 9 years from Dday...and I can honestly say that being on the OTHER side of infidelity is a BEAUTIFUL place to be!! Getting OUT of infidelity...whether it was D for me in my 1st M...or R in my 2nd...was the most important thing to do. Limbo is HELL!! So whenever YOU feel you are ready...start moving forward Dear Lady. It may be baby steps at first...but SOON...you will look back and see how FAR you have come!!!

Good on you. You are a trooper. It's great to see clearly after the fact what the reality of it all was and take solace in knowing you are a great person and they were the messed up one.

I like how you said your main feeling toward them now is empathy. I recently made a post about the empathy and compassion I felt for my wayward despite her hurting me again. After our our court stuff which took way too long for our simple matter, custody being the main thing, and divorce (we were common law married so that didn't mean much to me).. We started spending time together and getting closer again despite my insides telling me she isn't healed and it's a bad idea. While this was happening, she slipped back into talking to a new "boyfriend" and meeting with him. I was crushed but have been through it before and really started to see the sickness she is in. The angel inside her wants and does right, but her inner demon which started this all, has not been faced and conquered.

Through the help of SI I woke up to the abuse I was allowing again and quickly did a 180/detachment/minimal contact. I've felt a lot better in the past week already and it is great to take care of me. I am detaching but still pray she heals. She is at the crossroads of her life where she either faces her demon and wakes up and the family lives happily ever after, or I marry another woman. This level and seriousness of detachment is something she hasn't yet experienced. Right away I saw the fear she had of losing the greatest man in her life which will now happen if she doesn't fix herself. If this doesn't do it, nothing will. It's still early days and I will be patient. Either way I'll be ok. I love your quotes as well, "A 'perfect marriage' is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other." and "With God ALL things are possible". Truth.

WTBHA: thank you so much for your words. I truly have NEVER felt lucky to have access to these offices (there are 3) where hookups occurred. Your post made me cry. I had never thought of it that way. I am going to try to. Try to be grateful that is.

Thank you (hugs)

lineagegold...thank you for your post Dear Sir! I went for R with my 1st H...and I thought we were making progress. I caught him almost 2 years later with another adultery co-conspirator...and at that point I finally found my strength to say NO MORE! I would like to say that I kept it up...but I didn't. Although we never technically lived together again...my 1st H would string me along...until he found a new shiny...then I was brushed aside...again. It was a vicious cycle. But that experience brought me to where I showed STRENGTH when my 2nd H confessed to his A. I now KNOW that I won't ever have to go through what I went through with my 1st H. Knowledge is POWER Dear Sir...and it seems like you have taken some of your power BACK!!

My 2nd H started poring over his Bible to try and find a way to "fix" the adultery he committed. The more he read...the more he realized how FAR he had gone from living a Godly life. We started doing a daily Bible Study...which has turned out to be our FAVORITE thing to do together!! We can discuss things at this time with respect for each other's viewpoint. This has allowed us to carry this into other aspects of our lives and relationships.

You seem to have a pretty clear view of what you WANT...and that is a great place to be!! Putting God FIRST will NEVER steer you wrong...no matter whether you go for R with your wife...or you find someone else. I am very HAPPY to see that you WILL find a fulfilling life going down the path you are on!!

Stillconfused2022...you're welcome. I didn't mean for you to cry though...I'm sorry! For ME...when I was able to stare down a trigger...and take it back...it was such a POWERFUL feeling. Everyone heals in their own way though...and if it bothers you to be at those places...then it may not be something you would want to try. Then again...if you can face those places...and they NOT become a place of PAIN for you...I would say DO IT!! For ME...I wanted there to be NOTHING...no place...no food...no date...NOTHING...that I would want to run AWAY from. They took ENOUGH from ME...I wasn't going to let them take my PEACE!!

Being grateful is a powerful feeling too!! I offered my H MERCY. I didn't HAVE to...it was a CHOICE I made to give it to him. If he took my mercy for granted...it would tell me what I needed to know to be able to LEAVE. But my H showed me how truly GRATEFUL he was that I gave him mercy. That told me what I needed to know to be able to keep showing him mercy. Every day now...we THANK each other for something...while hugging!

I remember one day when I told him..."Thank you for staying". I truly FELT thankful that he stayed because I was NOT the best person to be around after Dday...especially by the one who CAUSED Dday!! My H hugged me a little tighter and said..."Thank you for letting me". WOW. It's one of my FAVORITE things to say to him now...because I LOVE that response!!

Oof. This is a great post.

My H had three As, spanning 14 of the first 16 years of our marriage. I found out about all of them on DDay. Before then, I was gaslit like crazy. I straight up asked him several times over the years if he had cheated on me. My gut knew, but I didn't believe it because I trusted him. He'd make a point of looking me in the eye and say, "I could never do that to you." I believed him. I discounted my gut and believed him. I'm sure my gut was like "DAMMIT, SSS!" Him cheating didn't match the story I had always told myself about who we were.

I even got an STD from him during his second A and convinced myself that it was something that could have been undiagnosed since before we got together. (It was trich.) Never mind that I had two children and it surely would have been caught during prenatal tests. I somehow overrode my common sense and believed him - believed my story of who we were - over obvious FACTS.

That was absolutely the hardest part to work through. I had to forgive myself for not trusting my gut. For not seeing all the obvious red flags that were laid out in front of me, and there were a LOT. I didn't even truly entertain the idea that he might be cheating until literally hours before his confession. I thought he was having a midlife crisis and went on MLC message boards asking for advice. Everyone there told me that it sounded like he was cheating, but I didn't believe it.

On DDay, H finally confessed and the Pollyanna in me got shanked. She needed to go. She wasn't helpful, and she wasn't living in reality.

After we started to R, I made it a point to visit H at work, where the majority of the A had taken place. He invited me to come in like I owned the place and take him to lunch. AP got very angry and sent him an email saying that we were mean. She knew he'd forward it to me, and said hurtful things as a dig at me, but I killed her ass with kindness. I thanked her for helping him rock bottom so that we could start to heal and said that I'd pray for her and that I hoped she'd find happiness. She never replied. I visited him several more times at work, and always made it a point to smile and act above it all. I liked getting up in her koolaid. I even gave her a book on codependence and said something like "This helped me. Hope it helps you too so that you can stop hurting yourself and other people." It was a dig, of course, but it was also intended as a true gift.

I do feel sorry for her and hope that she finds peace. Truthfully, she got manipulated by my H too, and she manipulated him. She's a BS, too, and went through a false R, got pregnant, and then her H left for good and won't have anything to do with her son. That's rough, but it's no excuse to hurt someone else by doing the same thing to them. She wanted H to leave me and marry her and take care of her, and she was doing her damnedest to make that a reality by play-acting like she was his ideal woman. I'm sure she thought her dreams were coming true when we separated only to have them dashed when he sent the NC email. Based on her Pinterest, she's still not over H, even though she got married five years later and is still married. It must be rough to be in her messed up shoes.

Also, about a year after the end of the A, H found out that she had been carrying on an EA with his good friend and coworker while she was professing her love for H. Neither of the men knew that the other A was going on until that day. So yeah, she's a skilled manipulator. Her track record on closing the deal sucks, though. lol

Anyway - I think the hardest part for a lot of BSs is learning to trust ourselves again. We have to recalibrate our guts to reality, and that takes a lot of time and work and pain. I don't like to look at the photo albums from the first half of our marriage. In me, I see an ignorant victim who took too much shit and took the blame. In him, I see a liar and a cheat and a shitheel who let me take the blame.

But that's not who we are now. We overcame, we live in reality, and we're still working every day to be good partners to each other.

Many thanks W2BHA. Beautiful stuff.

SacredSoulSister...WOW...that is a large part of your M that A's intruded on (((HUGS))).

I had to forgive myself for not trusting my gut.

I am happy to see that you did!

On DDay, H finally confessed and the Pollyanna in me got shanked. She needed to go. She wasn't helpful, and she wasn't living in reality.

It is funny that you said "Pollyanna". People called ME that...LOL!! I could ALWAYS find a solution to every problem...in a POSITIVE way. After Dday...I saw NO solution that could solve the INJUSTICE I was faced with. I was so LOST. I would say the Serenity Prayer over and over...and OVER...but it didn't work. HOW could I accept what was so UNacceptable??

One day I was watching a documentary on the animal channel...I think it was about meerkats. The host said that those animals that weren't able to ADAPT to their new environment weren't going to survive. That was my AHA moment!! I didn't have to ACCEPT anything about my H's A...but I definitely could ADAPT to this new environment I was thrust in!

As I started to heal and get back things that I thought I never could...I decided to go for the GOLD...and get back to the Pollyanna attitude that had served me so WELL in the past. I was able to do it...and I absolutely LOVE being in that POSITIVE mindset again!! What the devil meant to destroy...God allowed to become even stronger!!

After we started to R, I made it a point to visit H at work, where the majority of the A had taken place.

I have seen where several BW's have done this...GOOD for y'all!! The thing is...we Betrayeds have TRUTH on our side...and A's can't stand up to the TRUTH!!!

She knew he'd forward it to me, and said hurtful things as a dig at me, but I killed her ass with kindness.

I did this too...sort of! My H had his A overseas with a person he met on Tagged while he was there. I never knew her and will probably never meet her. Even though my H wrote a NC message on Dday and has never contacted the adultery co-conspirator since that day...she continued to try and contact him for FIVE MONTHS after Dday. I tried to do what is encouraged on here and just ignore her attempts...but one day I just had enough!! I set up an email account and then started sending her a barrage of emails...practically DARING her to send me a reply. She took the bait!! In her reply to one of my emails...she apologized IF she hurt me. Then in the next paragraph...she wrote something that she THOUGHT would not be able to be verified...and was deliberately written to HURT me!! I then sent her a reply to that email...letting her know that what she wrote was a LIE...and gave her evidence as to why I knew it was! I was vindictive in a very "kind" way...knowing that it would be a huge STAB straight to her heart.

Thankfully what I did worked. After that last email I sent...she has never tried to contact either of us again. The thing is...even though what I wrote was all TRUE...it is now something I look back on with regret. I went down to HER level and deliberately set out to hurt another human being. I admit that it felt GOOD at the time. But that isn't the person I want to be. I should have been more like YOU! I think that is another reason I pray for her...because I know what I did to her.

But that's not who we are now. We overcame, we live in reality, and we're still working every day to be good partners to each other.

That is AWESOME!!!

lineagegold...you're welcome!!

I love your meerkat moment! And I love that you worked to get your positive mojo back! I'm still a Pollyanna, but, like, a Pollyanna who would cut a bitch if they dared to try to harsh my happiness.

I always kind of wished that the OW had tried to mess directly with me so that I'd have a reason to speak my mind, but she never did. She eyes me warily when we're in the same room, but she's never, ever spoken directly to me or responded to me, even when I spoke to her. I think she is either afraid of me or she thinks of me as an annoying inconvenience, or both. I used to long for an apology from her, but I don't think she'll ever be brave (or sane) enough to offer one. I think that you feeling bad for hurting AP after she so deliberately tried to hurt you is solid evidence that you have huge emotional intelligence and a giant heart. Good on ya, my friend.

I'm still a Pollyanna, but, like, a Pollyanna who would cut a bitch if they dared to try to harsh my happiness.

LOL!!! I truly don't have time for anyone "harshing my happiness"...so I can certainly understand that feeling!

I always kind of wished that the OW had tried to mess directly with me so that I'd have a reason to speak my mind, but she never did.

One of the first bits of advice I was given was to have my H change his phone number. My H was self employed...he really needed a consistent number for others to contact him...so that was advice I couldn't take. He would block her phone numbers...but she would get phone cards with other numbers on them...and those would come through when she called or texted.

I was also advised to just IGNORE the adultery co-conspirator's attempts to try and contact my H. So I really TRIED to ignore her attempts. It showed that my H wasn't contacting her secretly either...or she wouldn't have been trying so hard to get him to contact her. But one day...I just snapped and decided I would show her that TWO could play at this harassing game...and I WOULD WIN!!

I used to fantasize about going back to her country and confronting her. I never knew my thoughts could go so DARK!! The negativity these fantasies evoked weren't helping me to move toward the positivity. I had to stop those thoughts in order to start healing. I did warn her that IF she acted on any of the threats she sent to my H...her ACTION would cause my REACTION...and I guaranteed her she would not want what I was capable of doing. Because no one else knows about my H's A...my biggest fear was that she was going to try and send something to our children. Lord help her if she ever did!!! But...I believe she got the message...LOL. She will not want to get what will happen to her if she "harshes my happiness"!!!

She eyes me warily when we're in the same room, but she's never, ever spoken directly to me or responded to me, even when I spoke to her. I think she is either afraid of me or she thinks of me as an annoying inconvenience, or both.

There is NO DOUBT she is afraid of you...it probably causes her anxiety to RISE even if she just hears your voice. The fantasy bubble gets deflated every time she is around the REALITY. She probably knows...like my H's adultery co-conspirator knew when she wrote to my H to let him know that she felt like a USED...USELESS...NOBODY. He agreed with her by NOT answering that message. YOU remind her of that every time she sees you I would imagine...and she has to feel FEAR about that feeling.

I used to long for an apology from her, but I don't think she'll ever be brave (or sane) enough to offer one.

I have seen on here where some adultery co-conspirators have offered sincere apologies. That didn't happen in MY case. I may know that my prayers are answered though IF she ever does. A person who really feels remorse would probably reach out to apologize. If she becomes a person of faith...I would think she would feel some remorse. Then again...I feel remorse for some of the vitriol I spewed at her in those emails...but I don't feel it will be a good thing to open that can of worms back up by reaching out to her. It is best I guess to "let sleeping dogs lie" as they say.

I think that you feeling bad for hurting AP after she so deliberately tried to hurt you is solid evidence that you have huge emotional intelligence and a giant heart. Good on ya, my friend.

Thank you for your kind words! It took several years though before I could reach that place in my healing. I felt like God was urging me to pray for her...so I begrudgingly did it at first. But He KNOWS what we need to do in order to HEAL...and it is really hard to feel negatively toward someone you are praying for...LOL!! There is a saying out there that says something like...You can't have a positive life with a negative mind. I get that. I WANT a positive life. My THOUGHTS dictate my FEELINGS...so I try to think as positively as I can!!