SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm sorry I'm not really able to write anything that makes sense because I can't make sense of it in my head. But...

I've been married nearly 30 years. I knew about the flirting that would NOT stop no matter how angry, devastated, or vocal I was. I knew about the EAs with coworkers at every job. I knew about the porn addiction that stemmed from the ED that stemmed from all of the above because I couldn't trust him. We've discussed all of that so many times over the years, and I always tried to help him get himself together so we could be happy.

I DIDN'T know, until last month, that I was one of six girls that he'd been involved with the year we started dating. I know that doesn't sound like anything at all. But I was number 4 of 6. All these years, he's peddled this "thunderstruck" story about seeing me for the first time and being too shy to ask me out. The girl ahead of me was 3 weeks prior to our meeting. The girl after me was 3 weeks after we first slept together. The girl after that, number 6, showed up two weeks after I'd bought my plane ticket and was rearranging my life to be with him. I had no idea these people even existed. He'd told me he'd been in one relationship that year that she chose to end, and that I was only his second girlfriend.

I guess my problem TODAY, AT THIS MOMENT, because Lord knows it's everchanging, is that with these new revelations about my husband as a younger man, there has been no aspect of our relationship where I was ever the only girl. I don't even have "good old days" before all of the other stuff started to look back on fondly or sustain me during the tough times. This isn't a marriage problem, this is a "him" problem.

I have always been supplemented. And he can't tell me at which points in our marriage he was actually with me and when he was smitten and wrapped up in whoever the other girl was. So, for me, right now, I feel like I have been alone the whole time without being smart enough to realize it. And I feel like every adult crisis I've faced, I've faced alone. And I don't know how to handle that fact that I have been so wrong about him for so many years and that it feels like no aspect of our romantic and sexual lives, or even our "friendship," has been real.

It was real to you. It was real. He isn’t real. He has a hole in him he has been trying to fill his entire life. You were what held him together. You are the glue.
Whatever you decide please make sure to look after yourself. Info like this is akin to being shot in the back by a person you trust. Make sure you look after yourself by sleeping enough( you might get some meds from the dr.), eating healthy and, if necessary meds for anxiety and depression. Don’t try to tough it out by yourself. Call on people you trust.

Welcome to SI and so sorry you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful. The Healing Library has a lot of great information, including the list of acronyms we use.

It is a lot to process, and it's normal to not be able to make sense of it all.

You were authentic in your life. When you were happy, you were happy. When you were enjoying a specific holiday, or place, you were being honest. It sucks that your WH (wayward husband) robbed you of your agency and ability to make decisions based on the entire truth.

There's an ICR (I Can Relate) forum with a thread for those who found out years later.

So sorry to read about your situation. I don't have any answers for you, but I have a lot of empathy for your situation as parts of your experience are very similar to mine.

Along with discovering multiple EAs and a PA that took place in recent years, I found out about WH sleeping with two of the EA partners not long before we moved in together 15 years ago. All of it is hard and painful and I often feel that I have been completely alone in this marriage.

I am still trying to understand the whys, etc but I have mostly accepted there's nothing I could have done. This is all on him and his poor choices.

I have found IC and MC helpful in setting boundaries for the relationship as I decide what to do next. I would encourage that to at least help you while you heal. These include stopping contact not just with the APs but potential APs who he was messaging with constantly before.

This isn't a marriage problem, this is a "him" problem.

Truer words were never written.

I feel like every adult crisis I've faced, I've faced alone.

Although terribly painful, these are empowering epiphanies!

So you know you can't trust him, there were never any good ol' days with just the 2 of you, and you already know how to face crisis alone.

What's your next move?

There is no wrong answer to that question, as long as it gets you to a better, healthier place.

Whatever you choose, you seem to be strong enough to move forward.

I'm so glad you found this wonderful community.

Welcome to SI - please feel free to write anything you want, and take (or avoid) any advice you want as well.

I feel like every adult crisis I've faced, I've faced alone.

Unfortunately I would guess that you will have to face this one as the only adult in the room as well. I think you need to figure out what YOU want going forward. It appears that your WS has been cheating on you, emotionally, or otherwise, for a long time even before you learned this new information, so for whatever reason you have stuck with your WS. I'm not here to judge, but ultimately will the outcome for you be any different? Is this the final straw?