SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Every three days, my husband doesn't return home from work until 9 am. It's worth noting that all his coworkers have already finished for the day, as per their wives. When I inquire about his whereabouts, he insists he's at work. Despite lacking concrete evidence, I'm uncertain about what to do. He's extremely attached to his iPhone and rarely communicates with me during the day, even though he seemingly has the time. I find myself attempting to overlook this situation, hoping it's not real. I believed our relationship was stronger than this, and his current behavior is a shock. Our once close bond has deteriorated, and it's difficult to recognize the person he's become. Although I've recently become aware of the issue, I haven't officially confirmed it, yet I'm not oblivious. You know that feeling when you're aware without having proof? Hello, everyone, I'm Lilac, and my husband of six years is hardly ever home nowadays.

Hi Lilac and welcome to SI, the best club nobody wants to join. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page that you may find helpful. Also, the Healing Library has a ton of good information, including the list of acronyms we use.

Your gut is screaming at you that something is up, but you haven't seen any physical evidence. Do you have access to phone records to see if there is a particular phone number that he's contacting? Would you be able to hire a PI to get evidence?

Hi Lilac.

Do you have access to his phone?

Is there some way to see where he is going after work?

Is he displaying any other concerning behaviors such as a new interests in his appearance? Did he start going to the gym and buy new clothes or change his grooming habits?

Is he gone from home other than the hours after work?

Has his behavior towards you changed?

I hate to recommend that you go snooping through his phone or spy on him but you sound like you have a very strong gut feeling that something is wrong.

So sorry you find yourself here. Please, trust your gut and don't try to explain or rationalize things away. I did for years and wish I had a do-over, because every suspicion was right. Best to you finding your way through.

He's been engaged in this behavior for around 9 months now. I've received accounts from others who claim to have seen him in certain situations. Some context: we relocated (myself, him, and our 12-year-old daughter) an hour away from everyone we knew due to his job. Recently, my vehicle broke down, and he left it by the roadside where it was eventually towed; he made no effort to retrieve it. It's important to note that I am currently unemployed. As a result, my daughter and I are confined to our home without transportation, as we lack friends in this new area. we're situated too far away for Uber or Lyft, unless someone is heading in our direction. He frequently departs for work and doesn't return until the following day. Even on his days off, he either sleeps or claims to be working, never engaging with our daughter. This situation leaves us rarely venturing out of the house. Previously, he and I were very connected via text and calls, but now it seems he dislikes returning home. About four months ago, he went to jail, during which time I accessed his phone. I discovered he had sent money to multiple women, although I couldn't find any corresponding messages. He has a history of dishonesty, often lying without reason. When I questioned him about a particular number he was in frequent contact with, he removed me from the Verizon account and changed the password. While I'm aware of the obvious issues, I find it challenging to confront them and feel rather helpless. I do possess his old iPhone, still logged into iCloud. If anyone has suggestions for using it to locate him, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Lilac, those who have nothing to hide hide nothing.

Your husband went to jail. He has not been coming home. He's absent from the family. You and your daughter are isolated. He sent money to women.

Gently, what more do you need to understand this guy is up to no good? Do you have family who could help support you by getting away from him? You mention he has a history of dishonesty.

he removed me from the Verizon account and changed the password.

^^^That's all you need to know. He's definitely hiding something.

Does he have a history of violence?

Honestly, if you were my daughter or sister, I'd advise you to go back home and stay with family.

Trust your gut, something is way off. An affair? Prostitutes? Drugs? Something else?

Lilac, I agree with annb.

Those are too many red flags to ignore.

We are here to support you.

I was in a similar situation at one point (but with three kids) I found it easier just to remove myself from the situation than to try to prove what was going on. He had no respect for me (until I left him of course.) and I was determined to have a better life. It took time and some suffering, but my life is now a million times better than it ever could have been staying with my ex. You can come up with a million reasons not to go, but you have your daughter to think of. You are modeling what a marriage should look like to her. And what a strong woman does in an untenable situation. You will get through this.

I lack a supportive family structure; my mother is experiencing homelessness, and my father has a history of predatory behavior. Whenever I attempt to address issues, he becomes aggressive, exploiting my past mental breakdown to further damage my emotional well-being. If I voice objections, he turns to physical force. While I recognize the need to leave, I am entirely reliant on him due to his intentional manipulation of our dependency dynamic.

Please call a women's shelter. They should be able to help.