SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been a while since I've posted. Quick recap, fwh had an affair after I had given birth and was super postpartum depressed. I ended up becoming a madhatter after our "brilliant" marriage counselor came up with the idea to referee it and counsel us through it as I "needed" to reclaim myself and he needed to have "forced empathy". It worked? But at a high cost. I lost my morals and he lost his confidence but we did cling to eachother and rebuild in the brokenness. And I lost trust for that therapist and stayed away from therapy in general for a bit. Since then I've continued solo and sometimes bring him in but he's never continued any type on his own.
This was all 5 years ago. Now we had an additional child and I'm pregnant again and I just feel blah/trapped. I resent him for not getting vasectomy (bc has failed on me for 2 pregnancies) even though he swore to and says he still is. Additionally I resent him for not going to therapy on his own. He has no other outlet. He has no friends to speak of, he doesn't socialize, he says he just needs me and the kids. I on the other hand love people, I want to go out, have girls nights, game nights but he really guilts me on why I need more when he only needs me so I rarely do. I instead do safe playdates usually at my home with other moms so he is happy and at least I am socializing somewhat. He says he feels like he is forever waiting for me to just leave him which is unfair to put on me. I believe he has unresolved and underlying resentments against me that he doesn't even acknowledge and his home behavior is now affected. He is mean sometimes and when I immediately call him on it it just turns into the same fight/passive aggressive response and I'm just so tired of it that I feel indifferent to him and the marriage. I have recommitted to him and he I, but I spend time wondering what life would look like as a single mother of 4. I really dont like it. I find myself more and more just lying in bed when he's around. When he leaves the house with the kids, I'm so productive! I deep cleaned the bathroom today, giant belly and all!
Now, Thursday night he told my daughter that he was going to kill mommy for the mess she made. Mind you, said daughter made the mess and she ran and told me. I immediately confronted him and he held to his anger and I said in what world do you think saying you'll kill me to a child is ok? It's not, it's stupid even as a joke and I don't want to even hear your voice again until you fix it. In my head, this meant he should apologize. So he never did and I haven't spoken to him yet. It's now Sunday night which is where my current level of "is this really how I want to spend every few months of my life" thoughts come in. I dont know how to break the cycle and talk because I'm frankly just tired of it and he doesn't address it. He sometimes tries to ask simple questions like what are we doing today and I just stare at him. I feel we've been through this enough that he knows I need conflict to be addressed and not swept under a carpet and I dont quite know what to do. No one said reconciliation was easy but is there a time when you just want to give up? I know this seems petty but it's just the same problems over and over again and despite talking it out, and talking it through in therapy it's not getting different results from him. So I'm trying to hold my ground this time to see if that "forced empathy" will somehow be what gets through, but it's killing me. I dobt even know what give up would do in the end. It wouldn't be divorce, it would be just this coparenting lifestyle with no emotion but more good times than bad, suffering through the bad.

Welcome, Amilliondreams. I’m so sorry that you needed to find your way here.

It’s late, but I just wanted to tell you that you’ve been heard. This sounds awful for everyone involved. A couple of things stand out.

One, this isn’t reconciliation. There’s nothing here that indicates anything like reconciliation (and I’m someone who definitely knows what reconciliation doesn’t look like). He’s trying to wait you out. That’s probably one of his lifelong methods for getting through things he’s too afraid or weak to address head on. You will never feel satisfaction that any of your pain or needs are being addressed because you need to talk and confront, and he needs to hide and evade and pretend everything is normal. This is a pattern that I recognize. A lot of us here will recognize it.

This situation sounds so unhealthy for you and especially for your kids. And gently, that therapist gave you some extremely fucked up advice that didn’t help either of you to get healthier or deal with your issues. It took his infidelity and compounded it with yours. There’s just tons more to deal with because of both.

Right now, you don’t have anything to work with. He’s stonewalling. But what he said to your daughter is something on another level that you shouldn’t overlook as her mom. Believe me, I know what it’s like to be in so much pain that you find it difficult to be the parent that you need to be, so no judgement, but your kids really need protecting from the dysfunction that is happening in their home around all of this. You need help, so that you can help them. It’s not going to come from him.

You’ll get a lot of support here. Others will be along tomorrow (the boards are pretty dead on the weekends). Everyone will offer you what they can from their own experience and from the wisdom of this site that has been gleaned through the hard collective experience of thousands of people very well-versed in the hell of infidelity and all of the contributing and resulting factors that make recovery on either side so difficult—even when both parties are extremely committed and proactive.

You probably won’t like or agree with all of what you get here. The usual wisdom is that you know your situation best, so you should take what you need and leave the rest, knowing that everyone is trying to help you. I would add one thing to that wisdom: if something really bugs you a lot, it might be a good idea to sit with it a little and process why it’s bugging you so much. Often, the advice or observation that we least want to hear is exactly the piece that we need the most. This is born out over and over. You might not always be ready to hear it yet. Don’t worry. When you’re ready, it will still be there.

This takes a lot of time to get through. Years. And it’s so very much harder if you’re living with the person who hurt you, and he’s not actively owning and working to help you heal. I’ll be back along with a lot of others tomorrow. Stay with us. Read as much as you can. This is a great place for support as you try to move forward.

You already took a big step in reaching out for support. Sending you hugs of strength and support. NW

I feel safe to state that here on this site we call it trickle-truth, and it tends to be the bane of reconciliation, even more than the infidelity itself.

When a couple commit to reconciliation there is a requirement that the betrayed spouse let’s go of the

I’m going to be very direct here:
Why do you think you are on the road to reconciliation?

This is rug-sweeping at best, more like trying to live with the corpse of the stinking dead elephant in your living-room.

You guys need to start taking things seriously. I can’t give an outline of your next steps with the limited info we have here, but these are what I THINK might be your next actions:

You BOTH need to decide what you want, and it has to be a HEALTHY goal. Like you both need to decide you want a relationship with each other, but it needs to be a respectful, caring and healthy relationship. What you have now isn’t.

If you don’t BOTH want that then you two need to accept that fact and divorce. I can guarantee you 100% that being a single mom with four is both better for you AND THE KIDS than being a single mom with a single dad in a disrespectful sham-marriage.

If you both want the marriage then I’m guessing you both need IC.
After IC you both need MC, and this time shop around for someone that does NOT thing sleeping around is "empowering".

Thank you, it was late and I tried to quickly unpack 5 years in one limited post. I find I'm not sleeping well these days so that may affect my processing.

I do currently go to a new therapist and have several others through the years looking for a better fit. She is my therapist but lately she has asked me to bring him in as she heard me when I stated that he doesn't seem to hear me and my needs, but he hears 3rd parties. Ultimately while she is heading on marital issues, she strongly states to him that he needs his own therapist.

I had thought we were reconciled as we had worked so through the infidelity(s) itself that I felt resolved in information. Where, when, how, why...past traumas to lead to it and processes/exercises in communication to ensure it didn't happen again. If it makes sense to say, I wasn't hurt any longer by the mention of it. He had displayed full behaviors of remorse, he didn't hold back info when asked, he didn't shy away from conversations I brought up no matter how painful and always addressed my pain with embraces and I'm sorry. He adjusted his work to be 100% remote and took on the bulk of childcare even while working ft, so I could rest and heal and would encourage me to rest- bringing meals many times to me. And while i expected that part to let up as time moved on, it hasn't in the past 5 years. He still does the bulk of childcare. I felt progress- then I got pregnant in February and I feel a change in me. It became painfully clear that his years of saying he'd get a vasectomy were bs and while he may have believed he would eventually it wasn't helping to wait. I didn't want more children. Pregnancy and birth are extremely difficult and traumatic for me- I've had medical issues each time. He well aware. BC has failed with depro shots as well as iud and the ob now believes both my ovaries dispel eggs on both sides each month and bc will continue to fail so id need to have tubes tied. I told him it was time for him to step up and back pedaled saying it was an elected procedure he wasn't sure he wanted to do anymore. (4 daughters- I think he just wanted the boy). I lost it and said he doesn't respect me etcetc and it was a deal breaker and after a couple months of therapy started to bring him in as well and he agreed only when speaking with therapist. He made an initial consult appointment... and that's it. He never scheduled the procedure. He's dragging his feet but every day it doesn't happen makes me more and more angry. It became the line in the sand and small thing are tense now. So yes, while I thought we were in reconciliation it may have just been my perception and he isn't. He thinks he's done so much work and as a worker ant he has but nothing inside him. He doesn't understand that I need more and thinks I should be happy and just thinks I'll always find one more wrong thing and blow everything out of proportion- history doesn't support that but this is what he states when I push him. He'll do what he's told but oy, I'm tired of having to tell him. To always be the only one working. To always be the bigger person, to always have to initiate. Especially since, we've run small exercises for years now in therapy and out on how he needs to address things head on and he will for a bit but it's never retained and he always goes back to this.

He'll do what he's told but oy, I'm tired of having to tell him. To always be the only one working. To always be the bigger person, to always have to initiate.

I can so relate to this. Up until a few months ago when my H started IC, I felt like the one behind the wheel of the marriage and it felt like he was riding shotgun and hopping out of the car whenever he felt like it to do what he wanted to do. (Our issues were financial infidelity, and him racking up credit card debt to build a hot rod.) He was good at a lot of practical things in our partnership, but the propensity to behave in a selfish manner, ignore my warnings about spending (I pay the bills,) and put us in financial distress really took a toll on my trust. I was dreaming of escaping to a small apartment where I could control everything without having to worry about what he might do to mess things up. Something finally clicked and he started framing his thoughts to "be on my team" and add more steps to his thought process instead of doing what he wants in the moment, and it's made a world of difference.

Like Bigger said, I think your H could use some IC. Maybe your counselor could suggest someone for him.

I think that you should probably take control of your own health and have tubal ligation for your own peace of mind, but since you're super fertile and BC has failed in the past, it's not an unreasonable ask to require a vasectomy from him if he wants to continue to be intimate with you. Is that a boundary that you feel comfortable setting?

I on the other hand love people, I want to go out, have girls nights, game nights but he really guilts me on why I need more when he only needs me so I rarely do.

Go out with your friends and let him deal with his feelings about it. Girlfriend time is good for you and your mental health. Go get your tank filled. Tell him that you respect that he doesn't need that, but you do, and it has nothing to do with him.

It seems to me that either you preventing your own fertility by having a tubal ligation or using condoms when you have sex is where things are, unless you are comfortable with abstinence—I understand women often want the man to have the vasectomy because it’s a cheaper and easier procedure than the tubal, but men have rights to their bodies too, and of he chooses to not surgically alter his fertility, then it is up to you to take responsibility for not getting pregnant anymore if you don’t want to.