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It sounds like you are RC and only what the RCC says matters, yet I would remind you that Jesus explicitly condoned divorce over adultery.

Jesus explicitly condoned divorce over adultery.

WRONG

This is the most mistaken Biblical concept here. It’s not that difficult to understand the difference between fornication and adultery.

Please read Matthew 5:32 again.

I’m Catholic and was able to get an annulment on the basis that my husband deceived me into marriage; ie, there was sufficient evidence to show that he never had any intention of fulfilling his vows. Believe it or not, the adultery was just part of it.

The process was long and arduous, but it was worth it. I was in my early 30s and didn’t have kids; I’m glad I didn’t have to wait for my ex to die before I could have a second chance to have a really marriage and family.

Edit;add:

We have not told our children yet. I have asked her to inform the children of her intent to divorce me. She has not yet, and I'm thinking she may have second thoughts.

I think it’s fair to assume that your wife thinks that you will carry water for her the way you always have. Her usual MO is to drop a bomb on your family and then have you deal with the fallout with the kids.

Are you sure she doesn’t have another man in the picture?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:36 AM, Wednesday, October 4th]

Please read Matthew 5:32 again.

At the risk of a ban-hammer, Jesus explicitly references "porneia" in this verse, which is translated "sexual immorality", which is ANY sexual activity with someone other than one’s spouse, is Biblical grounds for divorce. If you mean to say the standard is far less than actual intercourse, then yes, I fully agree with you.

Arguing about the meaning of verses in the Bible is too close to arguing about religion.

STOP.

The fact is: there IS a lot of argument about verses in the Bible, and there's lots of variation in practices. Deal with it, but not on SI.

Bumped at original posters request.

Hi NP5,

Looking forward to hearing from you.
We hope that you and your kids have been keeping well and some good things have happened for you over the past few months.
Did you have a good Christmas?
Regards,
FAWH

Would love an update. I am working through the long history of your horrible situation. My....oh my. I so hope you can finally have peace and someone who appreciates you and is loyal.

Hi. Long time no post...

Wife has had the divorce petition dismissed, so we are still married. I still love her, but it is difficult to be close to her. She says she still loves me, but doesn't like me much at all at times. We have not slept together in several years, as she has had a severe medical condition and doesn't want me with her.

My children are very close to each other. They all hang out together and play and love each other very deeply. They love WW and me and appreciate when we all do stuff together. So, I guess we would be considered a loving, happy family. Sort of.

My eldest DD is in medical school and my second DD is about to graduate to be a teacher. My third DD is also about to graduate, but she may get a graduate degree. Fourth DD is a junior in HS and is really active there and has lots of friends. Finally, my DS is going to HS next year. He is happy. My eldest DD said that he is starting to sound a lot like me when he talks, so that's good... I guess. I am O- and wife is O- and all my children are O-, so supposedly the chances are 98% that they are all mine. fun fact...

I think I just wanted to bump my thread because so many people have helped me in so many ways over the years, and I felt I should update me. I really appreciate SI and all the people who contribute. Good advice, not so good advice, it all really helps a person to be heard and to feel like they are not alone. I can't express my gratitude in words...

So, some may question that I may be hurting myself unnecessarily by sticking with it. Perhaps. But as a Catholic I don't believe in divorce and remarriage, so it hinders my options. I apply myself to my family, my son, daughters, and my wife. I'm 55 now and maybe have 20 years left. I have pushed through 10 years of infidelity trauma and come out the other side. I would say that 3-5 years is about the recovery time... mine was 5+ years at least. Milage will vary. Having an immediately remorseful wife helps. Not having one doesn't help. I don't have regrets for staying. I prevented a stepdad from fucking, or fucking up my children. I have tried to show them what a marriage vow means and how it looks like in real life. Sometimes it isn't all roses and sunshine. Sometimes it is very, very hard. But it is worth it to stay true.

Take care and hang in there, no matter your path.

NP5

Thanks for the update, NP5. It's not what I expected from your last posts. IDK ... if you aren't going to remarry without the Church's blessing, and if you're not going to get an annulment, your options are limited.

The kids sound amazing and like sources of joy. I hope they continue to build successful lives.

If you’re only 55 aim for more than "maybe 20 years" left. 20, 40, or 50 make them happy. 👍

Fellow Catholic here.

What is stopping you from getting a civil divorce or just a separation?

You haven’t had sex in 4 years and are willing to live chastely for the foreseeable future, so it’s not like you would be losing intimacy by leaving her.

All of your kids are grown or almost grown up; you don’t need to worry about losing time with or oversight of your kids.

So why spend the rest of your days with a woman who doesn’t respect or even like you? As you get older, do you trust that she will care for you as you have cared for her, show you kindness and compassion, and make decisions in your best interests?

NP - you know I love you dude. I’m so sorry that you still lead an interesting life in this regards but love how you have handled it. Everything that happens to us is a blessing. The challenge that is humans are presented with is being able to see this.

Happy New Years!

If you’re only 55 aim for more than "maybe 20 years" left. 20, 40, or 50 make them happy.

I hope I can! My dad made it to 78 and his father to 76. We will see.

What is stopping you from getting a civil divorce or just a separation?

That is a good option for me and one I would make if she is too negative. Right now, all the daughters come home from college and it's really nice to not have to share them during the weekends and holidays. It would be hard on them to split up time, so I'm avoiding it. Maybe when they are older and have families of their own I will consider. About 15 years ago my wife just flipped and became a completely different person. She could still change back. I'll cross that bridge if or when I need to.

I’m so sorry that you still lead an interesting life in this regards but love how you have handled it. Everything that happens to us is a blessing.

I do believe God hates divorce. I don't go looking for suffering, but when it finds me, I will be patient and pray for Him to change hearts. I will do what I believe is best for my son, daughters, and for my family while doing my best to do the will of God.

A cross carried simply, and without those returns of self-love which exaggerate troubles, is no longer a cross. Peaceable suffering is no longer suffering. We complain of suffering! We should have much more reason to complain of not suffering, since nothing makes us more like Our Lord than carrying His Cross. Oh, what a beautiful union of the soul with Our Lord Jesus Christ by the love and the virtue of His Cross!"
St. John Vianney

Thank you so much for the update my friend. I just finished reading all your threads as well as Edith's. My heart aches for you. I do feel pity for her too in some regards. I actually am amazed you are where you are with respect to healing and working on reconciliation.

This might sound odd...honestly...but I almost feel like I am messaging someone famous after reading through everything you have been through. Almost like a war veteran who braved endless combat missions. Suffice it to say...I respect and honor you for so very much.

I grew up Catholic also...was lost as can be. At about the age of 28, I really began questioning so much about the Catholic religion, because I was taking part in the religious things, but started asking why I am doing these things. I also was getting intrenched in the sin of porn. God was searching for me however, and broke me. He showed me that religion and religious efforts, and morality, could never save me. Only Christ could save me....and the good news was that the work was all done!! He tells us just to "believe on Him". Anyway, all this background was presented to let you know I also had the view which was pretty much 100% against divorce due to my "religious" stance. I am still against divorce, but not for same reason. Marriage is a gift to us, and is meant to illustrate Christ's relationship to His church. And that is sacred. I love marriage. And I love my wife.

But coming out of Catholicism, and learning about the complexities of marriage and betrayal (I was betrayed), as well as the scripture where Jesus permits divorce, I really came to realize that although marriage is so sacred and should be saved and preserved (with the help of God's forgiving and healing grace).....there comes a point where I believe trying to preserve a marriage actually may be more of a "dishonor" to Christ and/or harmful to people. Hence, since He is wise and kind He gives the option for divorce. When is this right....? I don't know for sure....but it certainly depends on many factors and NEEDS wisdom from God.

I don't know what that means for you now. I do know this, as I was reading through your posts, there was one where you basically said "will she wind up divorcing me in 10 years?". And that was right after they bumped this post. It made my heart sink.

Friend, I honestly just do not know where your wife is at. Definatly ..she has not appreciated you as she should have. She has not cherished you consistently. Based on her filing for divorce (even though she rescinded it), it seems she still does not. It is sad.....really. I pray God truly opens her eyes and heart.

That leads me to something else that has been rolling around in my mind...which I hope can encourage you, and others. I know thinking through it has encouraged me. I am a big fan of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings and I highly recommend you watch it with your family....great movies. But in the first movie "The Hobbit An Unexpected Journey"....Thorin Oakenshield throughout the movie expressed doubt, disdain, and disrespect about the presence of Bilbo in their company. At the end of the movie, Bilbo essentially saves Thorin. The Giant Eagles save the company for death and there was an emotional scene where Thorin declares how "he has never been so wrong in all his life" to Bilbo. Watch the movie....extended version....can be bought on Amazon Prime.

Anyway, I hope that given your miraculous loyalty to stay in your marriage and try to love Edith, that someday.....she is truly....I mean truly..... broken and made a new woman. Seeing you as THE ONE who she should have honored and respected all her life. Based on your bumped post ....I surely do not sense that has happened yet

Man embrace to you my friend.

NotPerfect5...have things stabilized? Praying for you.

Hey WoodThrush!

Thanks for dropping a line. Sorry I'm late in responding, but I don't frequent SI so much anymore. I don't want to take up any more bandwidth from those that really need help on Just Found Out. I have tried at times to post there, but it is too much for me. In fact, SI is hard for me to deal with. I get my mind in a bad space and I'm trying to put it all in my past, where it belongs.

Thorin Oakenshield throughout the movie expressed doubt, disdain, and disrespect about the presence of Bilbo in their company. At the end of the movie, Bilbo essentially saves Thorin. The Giant Eagles save the company for death and there was an emotional scene where Thorin declares how "he has never been so wrong in all his life" to Bilbo. Watch the movie....extended version....can be bought on Amazon Prime.

These are wonderful movies / books that expresses the belief that we each have a place to play in life that is important. We each can do things that make a difference to history and the world. We all matter. I love Tolkien, a Catholic, who expresses a lot of themes of Christianity, along with C.S. Lewis (who was Episcopal, I believe), who together with perhaps others in their group called themselves, "The Inklings". There is so much to learn from their works.

If you have read my threads (which I don't recommend), then you have seen a long journey from steadfastly having my wife on a pedestal to watching in agony as I slowly, oh so slowly, realized reality. I do think that the pain is proportional to the distance from perception to reality. It was like falling down an "up" escalator, never quite reaching the bottom.

I grew up Catholic also...was lost as can be. At about the age of 28, I really began questioning so much about the Catholic religion, because I was taking part in the religious things, but started asking why I am doing these things. I also was getting intrenched in the sin of porn. God was searching for me however, and broke me. He showed me that religion and religious efforts, and morality, could never save me.

I grew up Lutheran, then switched to Episcopalian, where my wife grew up, then we all, years later, converted to Catholicism with my children. I guess we were already pretty much there with 5 kids. Being Catholic can be strenuous. I do believe that my wife felt that stress and snapped (committed adultery). I'm not saying it was only that, but I'm sure it was a factor. It still is a stressful point of contention, believing what I believe and her in her anti-Catholic spiritual ways. It's a big, big deal for us.

Anyway, all this background was presented to let you know I also had the view which was pretty much 100% against divorce due to my "religious" stance. I am still against divorce, but not for same reason. Marriage is a gift to us and is meant to illustrate Christ's relationship to His church. And that is sacred.

I completely agree. I do believe we can divorce, but once one does so, it does NOT mean you can marry another. I think they call it "White Martyrdom" after Justin Martyr, who's name the verb and noun derives (AD 100-165 ish). While martyr means "to witness", I think, red martyrdom refers to giving one's life to witness for the truth of Christ. It is a given that to remain steadfastly in a lie, when one telling the truth would fully escape death, is unheard of, or a result of insanity. Therefore, telling a truth, with the penalty of death, is proof of the truth. It is fitting to note that Jesus' disciples (all but Judas and John, I think) were martyred for remaining steadfast in the truth. That is a red Martyrdom--the shedding of blood to witness the truth of Jesus. Then there is a white Martyrdom--that is witnessing the truth of God and following His will, no matter the cost, till the end of life, under duress if need be.

While the bible does give what appears to be an exception for adultery, it is an escape for one that cannot withstand the agony of living with a husband or wife that is unfaithful. It is my experience that adultery is a singular event that one cannot be expected to justly endure. I think that if I divorce it will be because my wife has been unfaithful again, and that separating myself from her is the only way to escape duress that is unbearable. It would be unsafe for her, me, and my family to remain married in a house with her intentionally and steadfastly unfaithful. However, that does not give me permission to marry another. Divorce then seems to financially and physically separate one from their spouse permanently to give space to live.

I'm not going to judge or throw shade on those who are in New Beginnings. We each must live according to our moral values. But mine, being as they are, will not allow it.

So, I will step off this soapbox and rest my peace. My wife has good intentions for myself and my family. I give her that. I have the same for her. We all have a lot of work to do on ourselves. I'm NotPerfect and I have a lifetime of improvement ahead for myself. I will focus on that and taking care of my son and daughters.

Also, I'm not famous, I'm just someone who needed a lot of help in my time and SI was just what I needed. Thanks for posting and I pray for the best for all of us here going through the toughest of times.

Thank you for your response NotPerfect5. May God bless you. Stay in His word...He will speak to you through it by His Spirit.