SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Divorced since 2014. I moved on and healed quicker than most. Haven't pain shopped since late 2013.
AND THEN.......
insomnia hit me a few weeks back. I spent several hours looking up old friends, old enemies, old everything. I eventually made my way to the Troll Fucker.
He bought a home for almost $900K sometime last year. Very ostentatious. I was HOT. How dare that MF'er NOT be suffering. Took me about an hour to stew before it hit me how glad I was that I was no longer tied to that hot mess. He ALWAYS overspent, always had to have the best of everything to show off. Yet, he was never, and I mean neverrrrr, happy. I used to say to my tribe, he could win the biggest lottery in the world and would be dissatisfied within a few weeks.
When we were married, he lived way beyond our means. I had to be the voice of reason, and being a passive aggressive NPD, he secretly resented me for being the mean mommy. That MF'er could hold a grudge for years. He would find a way to "punish" me for telling him "no" for a looong time.
Anyway, after some mild reflection, I was actually happy, because what goes up must come down. Eventually, he will screw himself and will lose this house too, just like all the other toys he had to return when he couldn't afford them anymore. Then, he would spend months wallowing in self pity in situations he put himself in.
I would have HATED to live in that house. It was too much everything. Too big, too much headache to keep up, to gawdy/flashy, too expensive. Not my circus, not my flying F'ing monkeys anymore.
I know him. This is the shit I always dreaded. He once bought a vehicle that cost more than a house mortgate each month. That stupid SUV put us back financially every single month for 3 years. We were so broke and it took his paycheck AND mine to keep us afloat paycheck to paycheck month after month after month.
No worries about anymore insomnia, I'm taking meds for it now.
If I had seen that shit within the first year or two after DDay it would have crushed me. Today, meh, F him. He'll eventually F this up too.
It takes a while to heal, but keep the faith that it does happen. The best way to heal is to work on you and make your life as amazing as possible. Don't let whetever is going on in their life get to you. It's usually all smoke and mirrors anyway.
I hope this helps somebody trying to get to the light at the end of the tunnel!

I can relate to this because my xWS is living in a million dollar home (his mom's that he will inherit one day) while I struggle to pay my mortgage every month in a nice but modest home. It doesn't have the nice yard or driveway he has. He also makes a lot more money than I do and hides it. He has a cash based business (also frauding the IRS and Medical) and has given me nothing since I left. I've done it all on my own and with some help from my parents. I often feel like why does he get to have everything while I struggle but then I remember his criminal ways and have to know one day this will catch up to him and thank god I won't be there when it does. He's always been about the flashy life and I've been the responsible one. At first this used to really get to me but my peace of mind and freedom is worth every penny than being back there with him. I always have to remind myself of that.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:56 PM, Thursday, October 26th]

Yep, exwh has much more money and income than I do. He never has to work again, and I am working a full-time job (which I love). He was recently remarried to what appears to be a wonderful woman. I am cautiously talking to a man (finally feeling healed enough to do so) and treading very lightly. On the outside, it appears all of the chips fell into place for him since I dished out the consequences for his actions, divorce. At least he sees it that way.

Then I think about the freedom I feel in my house, paying my bills, saving money (he and I had double the income together, but we’re paycheck to paycheck! I actually have a little nut saved now) on my schedule. Spending time with exactly who I want to spend time with, and not spending time with anyone I don’t.

He has also had significant health issues since we split up, and I’m fairly certain his manly bits don’t work. The irony of that is not lost on me. If you recall, I lost count of the number of women he cheated with. He likely doesn’t even remember himself.

Life is excellent for me. I am happy.

I get the insomnia and the pain shopping, though. I still do it sometimes. And last night I had a dream I was in our family home. It felt so familiar and like I was supposed to be there, but I looked out the window and saw the new owners car pull into the driveway… and I panicked thinking how am I going to explain this? I’m not supposed to be here. Yeah, I’ve had that dream a lot.

We bs’s are all doing much better than we were. Onward

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 9:41 PM, Saturday, October 28th]

"It takes a while to heal, but keep the faith that it does happen. The best way to heal is to work on you and make your life as amazing as possible. Don't let whetever is going on in their life get to you."

Thanks for posting!!

To our best lives ever!

Wow, I could have written the original post above… STBXWW’s biggest gripe is that I’m "too negative" and was draining to live with. It’s because I would push back against some of her crazy ideas.

She had a good couple years in real estate, and bought a giant new house and a beach vacation home in 1 year. I was reluctant because I knew her money would be temporary—she never keeps jobs for long. Lo and behold, a year later she stops doing real estate and opens a photography studio… we have to sell the beach house and barely afford our giant family home.

We did make some money on the beach home, so of course she thinks she was right all along.

Now I’m keeping "her dream home" while she moves into a rental she can’t afford, 20 minutes away from us so she’ll be spending a lot of time shuttling kids back and forth to school and won’t be having much fun. I’m early in this process, but it doesn’t seem like this is going to work out very well for her.

WhoTheBleep, I completely forgot about his ED or the fact that he's had so many health issues too. I almost felt sorry for him when your post reminded me. Lol...almost. It's been so long since I was in that relationship. I barely remember that broken woman. I can barely fathom that I was once her.
I just realized it's been 10 years since Dday and 9 since the D. I finally went into my profile and deleted all the dates and history because, honestly, I just don't care anymore. There's no need for me to track it. KWIM.
There are so many on here that just can't fathom yet how much better life is once you're no longer in the thick of it. I know I didn't ever believe my world would be right again no matter how many people tried to tell me I'd be happy one day.
I spoke with my FFIL last week and he mentioned how sad he was that his son F'd everything up. He wishes he'd not cheated and that we were still together. I was absolutely horrified. FTN. I'm honestly grateful now. If he hadn't cheated, I'd still be with him and he was a shitty husband who didn't deserve me even before the cheating. It took him cheating for me to finally leave the relationship. Now, I'm in a much healthier place, and I can clearly see that I should have left him looooong before DDay. It takes time and healing for the newbies to get to that clarity. I hope by posting that some folks can have a little more faith that they will also get to the other side.

I feel that.

He ALWAYS overspent, always had to have the best of everything to show off.

This was my 1st XH. He grew up being told he would never amount to anything so any material thing was like self validation. It was endless (and exhausting).

Last I looked my ex is millions in debt.

Like you, it took me a min to reflect on how glad I am not linked to that hot mess. I would have ulcers.

You keep doing you.

As my workmate so eloquently says, 'the spiked dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed.'

My exWW is living proof.

And I just found out today that her AP is moving overseas for 2 years for work...and she isn't joining him. Yeah, the chances of two serial cheaters lasting in a continent-spanning r elationship over 2 years is infintesiamlly small to non-existant.

Well, they do get what they deserve...

Now, I'm in a much healthier place, and I can clearly see that I should have left him looooong before DDay. It takes time and healing for the newbies to get to that clarity.

This is one of the truest statements I've seen, at least in my case. xpos did the deciding and leaving on DDay, but this is me. I'm watching for Karma to show up, other than his telling everyone he is sooooo happy but not appearing nearly so.

He also had us spending a lot of money right up to DDay. Traveling and buying expensive things that we never should have. Told me after a couple of months that, "I can't afford what I've done". Poor puppy. Couldn't show the ap the good times and give her the things he wanted to. Not my problem. I realized after a short time that many of my problems were over when he left.

May I just say I love you beautiful people!! Everything shared here is just what I needed to hear!

I just am starting the D process and can absolutely relate to the financial BS everyone has experienced. Right now I am trying to focus solely on how much better things will be after its final.

I will have to start over in many things, but I hopefully will end up with enough to get me by.

These honest, raw feelings being shared mean so much and I appreciate you all. 😊

I’m going to add something about this to my own thread… but last night I had to try and sleep while WW and AP had their first hotel room meetup together. And I knew it was happening. Awful.

However, come to find out… her car got broken into. Busted window. They took AP’s backup, which had his MacBook and iPad in it, both of which he had TURNED OFF LOCATION SERVICES so his girlfriend wouldn’t be able to see where he was. So those are gone for good. Also stole his house keys, work keys, work stuff, and a bunch of Kratom/pills.

Then on the 6 hour drive home, WW hit a piece of debris that took off half her bumper and may have damaged the underside of her vehicle.

Then said she had an awful earache and had to go to urgent care and now antibiotics.

Overheard: WW saying it was the worst 24 hours ever. Hope it was worth it to seal the deal with scummy AP for the first time. Talk about a INSTANT karma.

The Big Hurt,

"I'm watching for Karma to show up, other than his telling everyone he is sooooo happy but not appearing nearly so."
Two of the hardest things I had to contend with in order to move on is 1) learning to NOT wait around for his karma and focus completely on getting my shit together to have a better life without him, and 2) accepting that as good as I was to him he shit all over me and he was going to get away with it.
For the first, I really struggled but realized waiting around for his karma kept me invested and kept me from focusing on what is important. The second was such a bitter bitter shit sandwich to swallow. However, doing both of these two things is what helped me heal so much faster. It's not an instantaneous process. We're allowed to throw ourselves a pity, and petty, party for a short while. It's very important, though, that we realize that if we don't we are holding ourselves back from having a better life. At this point, it's no longer their fault that we're unhappy.
I'm all about moving forward once we've had enough time to pick ourselves back up.
Do NOT believe anything they say. Matter of fact, shut that shit down for your own sanity s sake. Don't engage with people that want to talk about the ex. Don't cyberstalk. If people try to tell you anything that doesn't affect money or your children, stop them. Maybe later, after you've healed, you can talk about the ex. This is SO important to moving forward and healing.
I intend on coming back and responding to everyone after finals are over and I have the time to appropriately do so.
Until then Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Remember to put yourselves first in order to heal.