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I dont know why I feel sad.

There was a Remembrance Day event at the school today. Big D was presenting with his class and Little M was singing with her song club. She asked me to make sure to come and watch her so I did.

It was beautiful and they did amazing.

So why the hell am I sad?

I sat in the back with some other moms in a spot with direct access to the stage and got the twins performances on video. Even with the other moms it felt lonely.

Stbxwh wouldn't have attended being that it was during the day. So I would have gone alone anyways.

I spotted my kids rather easily while waiting for it to start and they all seemed bummed out, even ds sitting with his friends. Then one by one they saw me and their faces just lit up. They waved with excitement.

Maybe it's that now they have just have one person cheering them on while the other kids have mom and dad there.

I dont know. It's shitty.

At least I got lots of hugs from all three of them before they went back to class.

Yes that kind of sadness can hit at important times, and you handled it great, it sounds like - and so did your kids. As you said, your STBXH wouldn't have been there, anyway. Maybe the difference is that now you all can't deflect that sense of his absence onto an acceptable "excuse" like 'it's just because his job kept him away.'

Maybe the difference is that now you all can't deflect that sense of his absence onto an acceptable "excuse" like 'it's just because his job kept him away.'

This makes sense. The kids didn't even mention their father at all.

The kids feel that he has replaced them with the new child and doesn't love them anymore. He dismissed their feelings thr last tine they all video called. So him not being there didn't seem to affect them, just made me sad because I saw the other whole families.

I think there will always be moments of sadness, even though your STBX is a POS. I still get sad sometimes when I see intact families. (It doesn’t mean that they are happy. We all looked good from the outside too once, right?)

As better off as I am divorced (and you will be too), there’s a lot about life that is challenging. When I see a family, a team, I sometimes feel isolated and alone. An outsider. It would be nice to have a partner to lean on. Then the moment passes, and I feel happy and alive and free. I know you have those moments, too! Just feel the feels. It’s all part of the process; it’s all normal.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 10:08 PM, Saturday, November 11th]

I think there will always be moments of sadness, even though your STBX is a POS.

That actually made me giggle.

I still get sad sometimes when I see intact families. (It doesn’t mean that they are happy. We all looked good from the outside to once, right?)

Ah yes, how well we hide the horrors we are living.

As better off as I am divorced (and you will be too), there’s a lot about life that is challenging. When I see a family, a team, I sometimes feel isolated and alone. An outsider. It would be nice to have a partner to lean on.

The more I look back at the marriage, the more I realize he was never really a partner. For all the good times we had the number of bad greatly outweighs them. He was ne er supportive or caring like a true partner should be. I really was alone and now it's just his physical being that's gone. Which still takes some getting used to.

Then the moment passes, and I feel happy and alive and free. I know you have those moments, too!

Oh I feel so much more alive and happy than when he was here. I'm starting to become myself again.

Just feel the feels. It’s all part of the process; it’s all normal.

I'm glad all of this is normal. Thank you for helping me feel ok with these emotions.

Yep that grief is a sneaky bastard. I think it's just grieving the life that could have been if your douche canoe of an x had gotten his shit together.

It's normal and it's okay to feel sad sometimes Dragn. Just feel it, acknowledge it, and know that it'll pass. And the more time that goes by without him there, the fewer and further between those waves will get. Just hang in there.

I think it's just grieving the life that could have been if your douche canoe of an x had gotten his shit together.

Yes I can see that. But when I sit and think about it, there wasn't going to be a time when he wasn't abusive. He had gotten progressively worse and there's no going back after that right. There wasn't ever going to be a marriage that would ever be happy.

So why be sad over something that could never be?

And it's not sadness for myself. I'm more than happy without him here abusing me daily!

It's sadness for my children. Ds especially has had a hard time processing his feelings that his dad doesn't care/love him. That's how HE feels and it's valid. Luckily the kids have an amazing IC and she's really helped him.

So why be sad over something that could never be?

Dragn I experienced this too. I knew divorce was the right choice and the healthiest option for me, but I still had the sads too. It's just a crap part of the process.

Mine was a jobless loser that brought very little to the table that wanted to "have a relationship" with a fucked up teenager half his age. My marriage was not healthy for me. He was very expensive. He believed he was God's gift to humanity. Why the fuck would I be sad about leaving that?? But I was. I was so so sad.

I was grieving what could have been. Grieving the loss of the life I had planned. Grieving for my past self that chose this person instead of someone more worthy. Grieving the death of my marriage because even if it was fucked up and unhealthy it was still mine. And part of getting to where I am today was allowing myself to feel that grief and telling myself that it was ok to be sad.

And it's OKAY for you to be sad Dragn. Abuse or no, cheating or no, you're still allowed to grieve the loss and it's healthy for you to do so. Give yourself grace and just know that the grief passes. With time you'll feel that pang less and less. And if it helps at all, I'd go through that part again to get to where I am now because life on the other side of it is fucking awesome. You'll get there too!

It feels weird to grieve something that was so toxic. It's not him specifically that makes me sad. It's not reaching the milestones of marriage. That MY marriage failed (even though that's all on him).

It's also hard to have my moments of grief and make sure the kids don't see it. They have enough if their own to work through without worrying about why mom is upset.

I get why you don't want the kids to see you upset, but you're human. You can tell them you're sad that you're not going to have the life you planned. And share things you're happy about too.

You're not grieving the toxic things, you're grieving the life you thought you were going to have. Even though you're on a brighter and better path, it's normal to still feel sad for what once was. Even though I'm many years post divorce and living a whole new life... I still think about how things could have been and how things were supposed to go. Nothing that I dwell on, but the thoughts come and go. I think for me, mostly because XH and I get along wonderfully now.

"he was never really a partner. For all the good times we had the number of bad greatly outweighs them. He was never supportive or caring like a true partner should be. I really was alone and now it's just his physical being that's gone"

Oh girl, SAME! Its just this:

"I was grieving what could have been. Grieving the loss of the life I had planned. Grieving for my past self that chose this person instead of someone more worthy"

Going forward, we settle for nothing less than a true partner. Supportive and loving. Someone who doesn’t twist every word that comes out of our mouths. Direct and clear communication. Not manipulation.

Hang in there, Dragn. You are headed in the right direction.

Going forward, we settle for nothing less than a true partner.

Is it also part of the process to feel an overwhelming ick gross feeling when the thought of even attempting to find a new partner crosses my mind?

I think one reason I stayed and put up with stbxwh for so long was the fear of being alone the rest of my life. Now that he's no longer in my life that same thought is almost comforting.

No one to clean up after, or mother because he's to lazy to do it himself. I don't have to ask permission to do something or worry about not ducking at the right time.

Hell my brother was here today and we were discussing the TV on the wall and moving it BUT I told him because of how awful wh was to me while putting it on the wall I just couldn't be apart of moving it.

The emotional abuse is so deeply ingrained that something as simoke as moving a TV terrifies me. Like OMG.

So the thought of another man in my life is just not feasible now. Perhaps not ever.

You can put men aside for now. Or forever. It will be your decision. I highly suspect it won't be forever. But there is no hurry. Give yourself time to heal. Get through the holidays, and all of the firsts this next year will bring. You won't be sad forever, I promise. It just feels that way now.

Take all the time you need to become YOU again. The real, true, authentic you that you neglected in favor of others for so long. Joy comes in the morning.

Get through the holidays, and all of the firsts this next year will bring.

The kids are, for lack of a better word, "worried" about Christmas. Worried they won't get anything, worried if their father will come by like he did on their birthdays. Or just forget about them altogether.

Now we will be taken care of and will have a Christmas but I expect it will be difficult. There's a family gift buying event at the school beforehand and they get to buy (for change) things for their family. They have expressed to me not wanting to buy their dad presents.

It's just taking things one day at a time.

I definitely understand the ick factor in finding someone else. Granted, I am relatively early in this process.

For me it’s a combination of things. The thought of trying to learn someone else’s nuance, humor, idiosyncrasies, preferences—it all sounds overwhelming and unfulfilling. Looking around, I don’t find anyone else very attractive, and I know that’s a problem I will have to deal with as I will not be ok being celibate forever… but the sad truth is I found STBXWW beautiful and am not interested in others.

Then there’s just the fact I don’t trust people anymore and see all the different possible ways someone could hurt me.

So yeah. The ick factor.

but the sad truth is I found STBXWW beautiful and am not interested in others.

Same here. I was so taken back by how attractive wh was that I didn't want to see/accept the early signs that he wasn't the one.

Then there’s just the fact I don’t trust people anymore and see all the different possible ways someone could hurt me.

It's not just my trust that I have to consider but also my children.

When wh was in the hospital and we had to leave, the kids thought he had died and I didn't understand why they were so upset until one of them asked if they would ever get a new daddy. This was years ago.

Now though none of them want a new daddy. They are happy with things the way they are here.

I think it's going to be difficult getting through all of the "firsts". Give yourself the grace to grieve and feel all of your feelings.

It just takes time. Things will look differently when they are in the rear view mirror. And your kids will also feel differently.
For now, you are all still licking your very real and painful wounds. And that is okay.

And yeah, the roller coaster of emotions is not quite at the station yet. Accept that and remember that feelings don’t last forever.

You are doing great. It may not feel like it, but you are.

Today was a mix of emotions. Hard to really explain but it's all good.

Since wh arrest I haven't been able to go back to the master bedroom. For one I can't hear anyone breaking in from that room. So I have been sleeping on the sofa for the past 6 months.

Then a light bulb went off and I remembered the sofa in the trailer is a sofa bed.

Took some Hulk like muscles but Ds and I got it from the trailer to the living room. I now have a bed again! And OMG it's amazing.

Not that the big sofa we have isn't comfortable because it is. Just can't star fish on it.

Anyways I've had the bed since Saturday and I've slept really good. Other than having to fight for space with the bulldog lol. She loves the bed too.

Oh and the kids love it as well. We pull out the bed and all pile on and watch a movie with popcorn.

DD will be getting the master bedroom. I need to get her a new bedset for the bed and box up all of wh clothes so she has the big closet. I'll keep the smaller closet for my clothes for now.

The twins had group tonight. Next week is the last week. It's something that's been so good for them since they need wh consent to do IC. They are a bit sad that they can't keep going. Hopefully I can get things fixed so they can get some IC.

Oh Dragn, this is so great! As I spent 5 years after D-Day 1 sleeping on our small dining room floor on sofa cushions, every night pulling the seat cushions down and wedging the back cushions on either side against the 2 opposing sofas, almost like my own cushy coffin, just to avoid the trauma dreams, I have to hand it to you: how amazing you solved your sleep discomfort, enhanced family togetherness and furthered your trauma healing, with ONE simple change!!? Whoo...aren't campers a blessing?