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i havent talked to them in over 2 years, havent seen them in 5. Neither has Wh, or the kids. (Wh texts them now). this means our 4 year old has never met that grandma or aunts uncles etc.

They had been crappy to me from
the start, I always tried, but when mil changed her plans to go visit the hamptons with my sils during our planned vacation (wh got time off etc) i told her what i thought of her. Weak and amorral. She told sils and they got upset and said we were never welcomed, theyd call police if we showed up at mil’s.

Wh didnt talk to them for a year and in january he started texting MIL. just how is everything.

This weekend he was havingba bad day and he started texting about the vacation and how he felt she didnt care about her grabdkids (our kids) etc. His sister texted come visit, let this go. Just come alone.

A month ago his brother i. law had his birthday. Wh never texts him but did that day and said HBD. BIL texts back go see your mother. WH says I would but last time sis threatened to call the cops if my kids and i showed up at moms, so no.

BIL said dont worry about anyone else, u need to see ur mom. Come alone and bring everyone else later.

So 2x hes been told to come alone. I want to text them and say wtf? making him chose between his childhood family and his wife and kids? But I wont. I cant make him stay or go- thats his choice. But I will know how much he values memif he does go alone.

Gotta, I'm sorry you are in this In Law situation...as I've shared with you before, sounds sooo much like the stuff I've gone through with my In-Laws and Sibs family as well. Including threats of calling cops if I took my father out for a drive....

It's probably one of those times when family members don't act rationally. Sounds like the message to H was "you're mother is failing and you'd better make things right..." but if that's not the case, or if 'making things right' somehow excludes you from their family fantasy/narrative of their lives, then it's same old same old.

You cannot make them accept you or your H's choices. Sounds like you know that and he does, too. Maybe your H regrets contacting his brother, but maybe can't admit that. People say the darnedest things when they're going through family crises.

Deep breaths. And HUGS.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but our partners have the choice whether or not to communicate with their evil FOO members, and it doesn't necessarily reflect on their ability to also love us. I would feel awful if I said something to keep someone from saying their goodbyes to a FOO member, no matter how awful they might have behaved in the past.

Decades ago, we had a falling out with my MIL - it was pretty brutal, but she was an alcoholic who was angry at the world. I wrote her a letter and told her I basically would never put myself through another visit with her due to her behavior toward me, but that I would never keep my husband from having contact with her, or our children (who were a toddler, and I was pregnant with #2).

I was setting boundaries for myself based on how hurtful she was to me, but it wasn't up to me to tell my H not to have contact with her. He had to live with himself in the end, and even when someone treats us badly, we grieve; in the end, he chose to be with her when she died and I don't have to feel guilty about forcing him to make a choice. It didn't mean he loved me any less, or all of a sudden he felt a deep connection with her, but it was something he felt he needed to do.

This kind of relationship with FOO members is complicated and just because we may have harsh feelings about their past behaviors, it doesn't mean we don't grieve them. We may be grieving the relationship we always wish we'd had, and their impending death solidifies the reality that that fantasy will never come true.

I don't see how this is making him choose between his FOO and his wife/children. And I think he can go and still value you. It's not an either/or situation, no matter how badly they've treated you. He has a history with these people that long ago predates your presence in his life, even if it's traumatic.

sorry if i forgot to add… MIL is not sick! She is 81, but they are a hearty family and both sides live until the 90s. (except for the smokers)

also, wh and i are not in a great marriage, and this is part of the reason why. i really dont care (yeah i sorta do) if he sees her but if ticks me off that they said come alone.

my therapist said theres sort of a love bank… wvery time you do something noce you add to your bank, and when you hurt or upset your partner you subtract.

my wh is at -1,000,000 lol. We have a big family/ legal problem we are working on together right now but I dont see myself married to him long after that is settled.

his help this past two years with my problem has been great. almost makes me forget what a douche he is sometimes. but when these "come alone" texts come in and he obviously is considering it… its like NEXT! Bank closed. 😂🤭

I guess what I'm wondering is, how do you know she's not sick? Even though longevity runs in the family, she could still be sick and they just haven't shared the details of her illness. Maybe they want to tell your H in person, without anyone else around.

Even if someone has asked if she's sick, and they've said no, that could be a front because they want to tell him in person. Maybe not the greatest way to handle it, but it's a possibility. Maybe she had a serious illness and realizes her mortality, so she wants to see him while she's healthy. There could be all kinds of reasons they are encouraging him to come.

What would anyone gain by your going with him if they had asked him to include you, especially if you're considering ending the marriage in the near future? I guess I would be relieved my presence wasn't being requested. Let go of it, and quit letting his family live rent-free in your head... especially if the marriage is on its final lap.

i guess it was the way it was said. they keep ending texts come visit just come alone.

mil just flew from NY to Florida for vacation with a cousin, i dont think shes sick.

This is the woman who
told her husband (FIL) that he couldn’t come hime to die after his cancer had come back. (it had metastasized to his liver) She said it would be too hard on her to have him at the house. So he begged please let me come home, and she kept talking about how the local hospice had no beds yet but they might in a few days.

He was given 2-3 weeks to live at the er when he presented with his problems. He stayed in the hospital a few days. and went home, with MIL calling hospice to check on when she could
bring him… within 2-3 days of being home he died.

SIL was pregnant at the time and her dr said she could not travel 2x in a month, she had to either go see her father or go to his funeral. Mil told her to come to the funeral as "i will need you then". Mil Has another daughter who lives in town near her, an a ton of family. But she told sil 1 to pick the funeral over saying goodbye.

yeahh. not even
gonna give these people another thought. thats too messed up for me to handle and wh is on his own lol! go, stay there, who cares, i cant fight that FOO mess!!!

I want to text them and say wtf?

Please don't.

They have been toxic to you and your kiddos for years. Do NOT engage. It is a blessing that you are not included in the invite. It totally relieves you of all of their BS.

It is still your WH's mom/family. If he feels it in his heart that he needs to go, then he should go. His reaching out to them, shows he still wants that. But I would not say a peep about it either way.

We have toxicity in our family as well. My mom drew the line with her husband and said "You are welcome to go visit them, meet them for dinner or whatever....but I will no longer subject myself".

She is supportive of whatever he wants to do, but she will not engage nor does she speak of them (badly or otherwise).

She said it was the best decision she ever made. I would encourage you to think about something similar.

I know you have expressed for years of the hurt you have for your children. Gurl - you are protecting them. They are not the type of family you want for them.

Let him go and resolve whatever he needs to. If he acts better on his return that's good for you. No need for you think he's choosing them over you. It's wrong what they did but you don't have to bear it any more. You are free to make your life the way you want it to be. He can spend the same money to send you on a happy trip somewhere that you love.

just wanted to update the wonderful people who answered, i didnt text or say anything. Dd is 18 now and yelled at WH for even thinking about going She is a force of nature!! And not even 5 ft tall!!

I have been silent on the whole deal.

DD told wh, you know none of us kids will ever go up there again right? Its their family, their decision, but i agree with dd

She sees things very clearly. It’s great your daughter had the guts to say something. But

yeah, im glad dd stuck up for herself, and said she didnt want to go. i dont want her to be like me in the sense that she puts up with bad behavior for years.

its not my circus so i need to stay out… but i wont say it didnt hurt a little to see the texts and to see the veiled we dont like gotta with just come alone… i still have that vouce inside me saying what did i do wrong?! even though i know its nothing to do with me.

After YEARS of this BS, when are you going to stop caring! They are the losers, so is your husband if he'still allowing their drama in his/your lives. Let them have each other and focus on your and your children's happiness. I cut my mother and siblings loose in 2015. It hurt like hell for about 2 years. Now, I just don't give two F's. Hell, I don't give 1 F because unlike your husband, I realize how blessed I am to finally have all that toxicity gone from my life!
Please refocus your energy. Were you happy when they were causing drama? Aren't you happier now? Who cares if your husband wants that BS. You already admit M to him is shit.
There's a line I heard in that old movie, From Dusk til Dawn. "Are you so used to losing that you don't know when you've won?" That profoundness stuck with me. You've won, so enjoy the drama free energy in your home. Quit making it about whether you did something wrong.

"Are you so used to losing that you don't know when you've won?" That profoundness stuck with me. You've won, so enjoy the drama free energy in your home.

Love this. Keep focusing on this. Your children are all sponges; keep being that example of keeping yourself toxic free for them.

hey still livin’ ! I guess my issue is that i am sad that the whole dream is gone. even if they didnt like ME, I was still game to go and visit because inwas giving my kids a great big fun family.

it was 2021 when we had that final kerfuffle that i realized, hell, they dont care about THE KIDS.

so maybe im in that 2 year sad period?

it is SUPER nice not to have that drama. wh and honestly my FOO (sisters) have treated menlike shit forever so i didnt really notice/ mind being shit on and i appreciated the fun stuff (going on vacation, doing fun activities etc) I miss the fun.

Its ok. I need to created a new dream. Who moved my cheese… well who cares?! Go find some more! Im just sad because i went to find "my cheese" and its been moved and im sitting there lamenting the cheese, not finding some new cheese (if you havent read that book you will have no idea what i just said haha!!!)

That's understandable. Just don't stay stuck in the dreams of the past. FUCK those people. Seriously, they aren't worth your headspace. You've won. They no longer have the power to mess with you unless you give it back to them. Just keep looking forward. Toss the rear view mirror in the trash, figuratively speaking.

thanks 😊