SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am 4 weeks out from my D(iscovery) Day "D-Day". My husband of 22 years has been seeing prostitutes (escort diminishes paying for sex so won't use it) our entire courtship and marriage. We have 3 grown children finishing college. We had what I thought was a wonderful and fortunate life we built together. We're both successful professionals and have worked hard, supporting one another in our careers.

I have come to learn his behavior is in fact abuse, causes trauma, and the only true treatment should revolve around a reboot of his value system, absent any true mental health deficiency, which he does not have. The lying, manipulation, withholding of praise and affection, gaslighting, etc. can actually cause PTSD in the victim. That is/was me - I felt like I'd been hit by a train and lost everything I ever knew and believed in all in one day. His treatment will need to be with a therapist that focuses primarily on his abusive behavior with the victim (me) in mind: entitlement, deceptive sexual abuse, etc.

Read Lundy Bancroft's article "Hiding Behind Sex Addiction" and his book, "Why Does He Do That?" You will have to google his name and find the article but the book is available on Audible. It's given me a new perspective and helped me to see what he's done is 100% on him: he's sick and I am not crazy. Anyone who tells a spouse that he or she is responsible for any of this is not understanding the issues. Sharing these here because if you read the article first and then his book, I promise you will feel validated and understand enough to help you recognize how effed up your spouse really is and that accountability is everything.

I've decided to make no big decisions about our marriage right now, but instead focus on me. What I need for me and nothing else. I hope this helps someone. It's definitely helped me get my sea legs back.

Agree on the "excuse" part - and others will be along to assist with how to deal with the merde panini he has served you.

You don't mention STDs - wondering how (or not?) you managed to not "come down" with one or more?

Have you been getting checked thoroughly by your physician?

Side story: I joined the US Navy @ 17 to get away from home. What an eye opener for me! When ship hit a foreign port and liberty was granted - I was astounded at the number of enlisted/Chiefs/Officers that first thing ashore - hit a bar and then a brothel. And for some, hit the sick bay a day or two or maybe longer after their "liberty."

I could not understand males dipping their wick in some strange knowing NOTHING about who they are and KNOWING the get nailed multiple times a night by - Gag a Maggot!

Your Husband? decades later - I still don't understand the reckless behavior.

He needs help - not sure what will work though.

Sorry you experienced this. It is abusive when waywards do not honor vows (agreements) made or renegotiate the agreement and give the person they are planning to or have betrayed the agency to say yes or no to what they want.

SI has been the amazing group of supportive people I didn’t want to have to "meet".

Dear Wife, I am sooo very sad for your D-Day 22 years into your M! it is excruciating and few resources about Infidelity delve into the effect this has on the unsuspecting wife, as you've likely already noticed. My story is very similar; you can look at my profile, but believe me, SI is the best place you never wanted to find for this kind of betrayal support, especially check the I Can Relate forums (which lately have been slower than they used to be, not sure why: Emotionless Infidelity and Spouses of Sex Addicts). I found much help there and many supportive sisters, after my 2nd D-Day: his arrest for soliciting after 12 years of supposedly attempting R.

Four pieces of advice I'd offer:
(1) steer clear of Marriage Counseling like we turned to with no betterment; instead, best for you to find a good Trauma-Informed Individual Counselor for yourself.
(2) don't jump in to "helping him dig out his reasons" like I did, please, even if it is driving you crazy trying to understand his sickness and your reality. He needs to do 100% of that - you will soon see which way he is heading, and won't smoke the hopium pipe like I did for so long.
(3) get an STD panel. My sister didn't follow up after she Divorced her skunk of a WH, and in 3 years, the HPV he gave her metastasized. It killed her at age 54.
(4) line up a talented family lawyer, and get a Property Settlement Agreement drafted so you see what you are facing.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you had to find us. The Healing Library has a ton of great information, including the list of acronyms we use. Also, there's a thread in the ICR (I Can Relate) section for "emotionless infidelity" aka using prostitutes/porn.

My XWH (ex, who is the wayward husband in our situation) did a lot of porn, but never did the sex addict excuse. His use was compulsive, but he wasn't diagnosed as an addict. But, he was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), so I'm with you on the lying, manipulation, withholding of praise, and gaslighting.

Thank you for the reference to the article. Bancroft is pretty blunt on the subject and it is nice to see somebody recognize the infidelity as abuse. I've read his book and was considering reading it again after the holidays.

I agree with the STD checks because some of those can be dormant for awhile before catching you unawares.