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I'm looking for some advice / thoughts on personal growth while reconciling. I've read so many times the BS need to focus on themselves and I have been doing that but I feel the work I need to do on myself could take years. When your focus starts to shift back to the relationship how do you make sure you continue with your personal growth. It feels like there aren't enough hours in the day for everything that needs to be done...

I worry that my personal growth would go better if we separated and i had one less thing to worry about.

What you're saying resonates with me hugely, though I don't have any answers.

One of my first thoughts (among many) after DDay was, I don't have time for this! Why have you gone and blown up ours lives when I've started a new job and I'm half way through a PhD and we have a small child! It just felt supremely selfish of my WH on that practical level. I knew how much emotional energy would be expended on this bullsh*t, whichever path we chose.

I hear you about feeling that separation would be easier; it certainly feels that way to me sometimes, though I'm not done yet.

How far out from DDay are you? What kind of things are you working on? Do you feel like you're putting an unhelpful amount of pressure on yourself to make a certain level of 'progress', whatever that means? Surely as people, we're constantly evolving and working on ourselves to greater or lesser extent, and the work is never 'done'? But I also resent the fact that this current season of purposeful self-reflection was somewhat forced upon me.

No answers from me, but tons of solidarity!

Thank you for your response, it's nice to know I'm not alone in these thoughts. I am 13 months post DD and we have a small child.

Am I putting too much pressure on myself to 'progress' .... it's an interesting question and the truth is most likely I am. I suffered very severe post natal depression that I was only beginning to come out of so in truth I've probably come a long way. I guess it feels like my time to be happy has been a long time coming and I don't want to risk it by stalling. But perhaps you are right in some way or another we are growing or learning and perhaps stalling is less about standing still and more about taking stock. Perhaps constant movement towards better isn't the goal.

Are you putting too much pressure on yourself? In all probability, yes, you are. I mean ... why should you be that different from anyone else?

When R works, IMO, the partners provide emotional support to each other. They welcome each other's growth. So ... does your WS welcome your changing? Or does he want you to stay the same?

A baby requires a lot of change from the H. It's no longer just the 2 of you. The H may need to do some work to accept the fact that the mom has to prioritize the baby. It's life/death for the baby. The father is supposed to be an adult. I did not like that fact myself. Does your H compete with your baby for attention? I sure did. Does he see that competition as a problem? If not, it might be good for all of you for you to confront him.

Your post makes me think you don't feel supported by your H. If so, do you think he'll change if you tell him?

IDK ... I felt support from my WS in my recovery. I felt and feel my W brings out my best; that is, I think I'm a better person with my W than I'd be without her.

You have to take motherhood into consideration. I found out that it was a lot harder to maintain life with 3 people than with 2. Life was a lot easier when it was just my W and I - and it was a lot easier when it was just my young son and I, too, the few times my W traveled while our son was young.

I guess I'm recommending doing some what-ifs. If you feel better with your H than without him, you've got some evidence that R is right for you. If you think you'd do better without him, that's negative for R.

If you feel worse with your H, my reco is to think about what would change that. If you want something your H isn't giving, ask him for it, whatever it is. If he steps up and delivers, that's positive for R; if he doesn't, that may be what you need for a decision to dump him.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:29 PM, Thursday, January 25th]

I was discussing this exact same thing with my WH a few days ago!

I find that the people that have had the most successful R, or even a successful recovery without the R, have managed to shift their focus to themselves.

But with a house to run, two kids, two dogs and working full time, I just don't know where people find time to enrich their lives with hobbies, regular socialising, exercise, self care. If I'm honest, I felt like this well before the A. It baffled me then and it baffles me now.

Yes, I love cooking and I go through spells of going to the gym. I look after my appearance. I go on the odd team meal out or drink with a friend. But anything above and beyond that, I just don't feel I have the time. Chuck in the fact that I now carry around this aching sadness everyday...I just don't know how people do it 😕

So, I am absolutely with you. I'm sorry I don't have any helpful advice, but I just want you to know that you're not alone.

I can relate to this so much. There's so much pressure to do everything and be the "best you" too begin with. Don't lose yourself in motherhood, or Parenthood. Then after an affair as the BS you're told to focus on yourself. Do the things you enjoy. Seriously though, when??

I had a little breakdown this weekend when by 4pm Sunday I was still working through my "to do" list and it was time to start dinner and I realized I would never get to the "me" things on the list. They are always at the bottom below all the other things that have to get done. Sure, I'd love to exercise and be creative, but the kids need clothes for the week, the dog needs grooming, and I haven't vacuumed in way too long. There's just not enough time in the day.

Not to mention I'm also supposed to find time to connect with my spouse in a more meaningful way to improve our relationship. It's really discouraging.

And I'm not one of those people who has super high standards. I embrace the idea that something's gotta give and the dishes will wait. But there's still the non negotiables that must get done.

Weekdays are a write off. I work full time and after work is the mad rush to do dinner and homework and bedtime. I tried to make a commitment to do something for myself each weekend but it seems impossible.

Sisoon
Thank you for your response it was a helpful perspective. If i am honest I don't feel supported by my WH but the more i think on it the more I realise that I don't give him space to support me. I think a part of me still wants to punish him but it doesn't serve either of us.

I appreciate your honesty. Thank you

Whiskeyblues and Tealchicken

I appreciate the solidarity, it is so hard to find the time. I hope you both find some time for yourselves this weekend.

I'm nearly 5 years out from DDay. For us, almost imperceptibly, the focus shifted from me just surviving the hour or day or month to working together as a couple. It wasn't anything that happened out of the blue. And, more of something that I noticed that we were showing up for each other differently than we had pre-A almost after the fact...in how we dealt with conflict or celebrated good things.

I continue to work on myself, but in small habits. Nothing that is overly taxing time wise. It's usually in being more mindful, being kinder to myself, and asking for help. Prior to the A, I just assumed the majoring parenting role and all the household running and working and trying to be the perfect partner. I've let go of that pressure now. I take much better care of myself first, then others. There was so much emotional heavy lifting in those early years, that I was forced to make things less easy on FWH. He had to step it up or we wouldn't have worked. And yes, it would have been so much easier to separate to heal. Being beside the person who hurt me on the daily has been enormously difficult, but worth it now.

Though, in those early years I felt a lot of pressure. Some I put on myself and some that I perceived from FWH...not because "get over it already", but because I could see how my pain affected him. I WANTED so badly to feel better. Nothing speeds that process along. It happens when it happens.

I'm sorry you're here. Hang in there.

Infidelity doesn’t have a lot of positive spins to it — but it does offer a chance to reset everything or as much as you need to reset for yourself.

7.5 years later, I’m far happier with me than I’ve ever been.

My personal growth started with being very, very selfish. For me, being at a rock bottom emotionally (anger and sadness), I drew the map for my way out. It started with the little things, like working out when and where I wanted, reading when and where I wanted, listening to music, reaching out to friends and family — all the little stuff that got me through the day to day.

Once I got my feet back underneath me, I decided what I wanted. I decided I would only stay married if my boundaries were enforced and the relationship was going to rebuild into something far better than before.

My favorite part is I don’t play games any more, I don’t wear masks anymore. The world sees me as me everyday, unfiltered, without any care what anyone thinks about me. My ego being destroyed by the rejection of infidelity turned into a powerful thing. Outside validation isn’t required, and that makes life very straight forward.

All that and I’m not a tower of bitterness at all, it is just nice approaching existence with my well being at the heart of each day.

It also makes me better at giving and being vulnerable, I just know when to say when.

My wife respects the renewed inner strength, and my boundaries — which allows that personal growth to continue as we keep building back toward each other.

Balance in any relationship is the work, and we’re getting better at that (the taking care of self and team building).

If your WS isn’t supportive of your focus on you — then yes, maybe a separation is a tool you want to use. It all comes down to knowing what you want and a healthy partner will want the healthiest version of you.

It’s more about getting yourself further up your list. Not always easy given time etc, and our conditioning as women as nurturers. Nevertheless, by carving out some time for yourself, you are also modelling healthy self care and self actualisation to your children. We have to fight our conditioning and guilt to do this, but nobody really wants to be on the receiving end of self sacrifice.