SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I knew I wanted go leave when I had therapy and worked through my own issues but I was scared so I stayed and attempted to reconcile. I knew I was ready because my time without him was my most enjoyable. I didn't miss him or want to spend time with him because I enjoyed his company. I wanted him near me for my own self validation. I wanted him to declare he loved me and would change for me. I realise this is a trauma response and now I face divorce I feel free

I wanted him near me for my own self validation. I wanted him to declare he loved me and would change for me. I realize this is a trauma response

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This exactly.

thank you to everyone who has responded to me in the past - you have been a balm for my pain.

This is what you want, is my best guess. Someone (a partner, your best friend) to understand you and feel some of the same things that you do.

Your husband thought it was okay to violate your marriage, to get intimacy and connection from another women.

Honestly, his focus right now should be whatever your focus is. He's already had his chance to be an independent operator getting his needs met. Look what he did with that! Now it's his chance to focus on what you need and want. Not focus on clearing his name, getting his comfortable marriage back or having a wife who wants to be intimate with him - now is his chance to focus on the thing that he wasn't focusing on in the affair. YOU. You. Your needs.

I love(d) our life, and I could simply move forward and have the same life, with the exception of the respect and trust for my husband. Or, I could decide that there is another future for me without him. Is it brave to work to save this marriage, or brave to move on without it?

I mean would your life have been the same if you were faking respect and trust for him? Because he was absolutely faking respect for you during his affair. Is mutual trust and respect integral to the marriage you thought you had?

Personally what I wanted from my husband was accountability. To tell me who he was, what he wanted FOR REAL, not what he wanted that was safe to tell me, but what he actually wanted. And then for him to give me the space and time to decide if what we wanted from a marriage was compatible.

Answering questions is the bare minimum. I know the standard here is to say that cheating spouses who answer questions honestly are rare creatures, but like that's the bare minimum. They should already be doing that. It's not above and beyond normal human behavior to answer questions (we assume honestly, perhaps not).

Like WHY did your husband want intimacy and connection with a woman outside your marriage? What has changed now - except that he got caught? Has your marriage changed? Has he changed? Probably both of those answers are 'yes, and for worse' - so what will make him change his behavior pattern or his wants and needs now that your marriage is objectively in WORSE shape, because of his affair?

[This message edited by Sigyn at 12:37 AM, Thursday, February 1st]