SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just wanted to know how was everyone when they were at 7 months post Dday?

I had a trigger yesterday and I felt I was back to Dday.

I asked him again if he loved his AP and he said he is starting to fall for her just a month before Dday, before I saw their conversation.
Then, he was fucking telling me that he wanted to end it already days before I saw their conversation. I know he is lying about him wanted to end it. I know he was just sorry because I found out.

This is sooo difficult.
I dont know what to do anymore.

He wants to postpone the counselling too and would like to "fix" it by ourselves for now and see if it will work. He is asking for a chance to prove that he can be a better person and a husband.

But for me, I am losing hope. I am so lost. I don't know if this is because of the trigger or the trauma that is talking but I feel like giving up.
I'm tired.
I am doing IC but I dont think it's helping.

I really dont know how to go through this anymore.
I am really down.
I just want to die.

I'm so so sorry you are feeling down.

Reconciliation is a marathon, not a sprint.

There's a reason most agree it takes 2-5 years to heal, many times year 2 is worse than year one.

Is he in counseling as well? Maybe you should find a good trauma specialist. Highly recommend you do not start marriage counseling, the marriage wasn't broken, he was.

At 7 months I was a freaking raging lunatic. Triggers everywhere, affair was the first thing I thought of when I opened my eyes and the last thing I thought about before retiring for the night. I think I hated his guts actually.

You will get through this.....I hope he has been NC and is doing everything to help you feel safe, total transparency, letting you know his whereabouts at all times, making the marriage a priority, answering all of your questions and never ever getting defensive, reading books.

Hugs....

I was a complete disastrous wreck at 7 months out, still felt like I was waking up in a nightmare every morning. I’m at 19 months now and it’s not like that anymore.

I know it’s hard to hear, and maybe you can’t hear it and that is ok too, but you need to recover. You. Not your marriage. You are more important than the marriage. You need to survive and thrive, your marriage may or may not, either is ok. You are not your marriage. You are more important than your marriage. Recovering is going to take more time than you want it to. Do healthy things for yourself. You are going to be ok. If you put work in, you’ll come out stronger than ever. I am so sorry you are going thru this pain, it is excruciating.

I asked him again if he loved his AP and he said he is starting to fall for her just a month before Dday, before I saw their conversation. Then, he was fucking telling me that he wanted to end it already days before I saw their conversation. I know he is lying about him wanted to end it. I know he was just sorry because I found out.

I want to make sure that I'm understanding this correctly. This is all in the past right? He's not saying that he feels this way now.

FWIW, waywards are notoriously wishy-washy. My H would go back and forth between "I love you more than life itself and I want to make it work" to "I love you but I'm not in love with you" in less than 24 hours. Back and forth, all over the place, for months. It was maddening.

He told me that he was "in love with someone else" on DDay, but they hadn't slept together in three months, despite ample opportunity. We were separated for a month after DDay, and he never slept with her then, either. I think he really did want to end it with her starting a couple of months before DDay, but he also "knew" I'd leave him once I found out and he didn't want it all to be for nothing, if that makes sense. His head was a MESS. Your H's head probably was too.

Your H may be refusing counseling because he is ashamed of his behavior and doesn't want to take responsibility for himself. By not entering counseling, he delays facing himself.

You can't R with someone who does not take responsibility for themself. It's simply impossible. To R, BS heals BS; WS heals WS; together they heal the M, if they do the necessary work. Your H simply isn't doing the work.

My reco is to give up trying to control the outcome. Maybe you'll R; maybe not. Whether you R or not, though, you can heal. Very few people are healed 7 months out; the minimum is a lot closer to 2 years. Now is a time to focus on processing your thoughts and feelings, especially the grief, anger, fear, and shame that come with being betrayed.

At 7 months, our R was progressing nicely, but I didn't feel it. I was angry a lot, and afraid we'd end up splitting. I was on a roller coaster, but it was a lot slower than it had been earlier. I had gone through a rage stage about 5 months out.

Thank you everyone for your messages.

annb.
Thank.you. I really do hope I can get through this. Post partum is not helping as well.😔

Unfortunately, he is not doing counselling. He doesn't want to and he said he doesn't believe counselling will help. 😮‍💨

NC since 2 days after DDay.
He does answer my questions but he gets defensive.
There are days he is cooperative and I feel safe. There are days he is not.

InkHulk:
"I know it’s hard to hear, and maybe you can’t hear it and that is ok too, but you need to recover. You. Not your marriage. You are more important than the marriage. You need to survive and thrive, your marriage may or may not, either is ok. You are not your marriage. You are more important than your marriage."

Thank you for this! 🥺🥺
I am really trying my best not to stay in this rabbit hole for too long.

SacredSoul33:

Yes, it was in the past. I really do hope he was telling the truth though. He is soo good in lying that I couldn't differentiate which one is true and which one is a lie. 😔

I would have to agree with you. I think so too that my H's head is a MESS. He is such a MESS! 😑 I am a mess because of what they have done. I feel like I am the one who is more suffering that him and the OW. 😮‍💨

Sisoon:
Thank you for always taking time and being there responding to my posts. I will take a note and try my best to heal w/ or w/o my H.

Post partum is not helping as well

Oh goodness... he was cheating on you while you were pregnant?!

I'll keep this short and too the point, simply to avoid saying anything that is less than constructive.

He wants to postpone the counselling too and would like to "fix" it by ourselves for now and see if it will work. He is asking for a chance to prove that he can be a better person and a husband.

How does he think postponing counseling will help him achieve this goal? What's his plan for fixing this and what steps will he take to prove that he is even worthy of breathing the same air as you?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:34 PM, Wednesday, February 14th]