SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I posted this on another forum, so I'm filing for divorce today, I still love the woman, I offered reconciliation for a whole year, she came back for 2 months but didn't do the minimum of cutting all contact. After I kicked her out she continued pursuing a relationship with him, I'm left with no choice but to file for divorce. Does anyone have any success stories of reconnecting after a marriage is completely dissolved and both have finalized everything. I want her to seek help for her issues but I don't know if she will ever see the light.

Background : I (41m) and stbxw (41f) started dating at age of 18, married at 27, after 3 years or so of marriage we decided to try and have children, she had to undergo radioactive iodine treatment to switch her hyperthyroidism to hypothyroidism to make it easier to have kids with safer meds
Fast forward 8 years of going through iui and ivf and over $100k later (we had to refinance home to make last phase happen) we had agreed to use an egg donor and attempted 2/3 insemination and they were unsuccessful, during this stressful time she had asked we take a break.
So in 2022 which was the year of our 40th birthdays I planned 2 trips, o e to Barcelona for my birthday and one to Aruba for hers, I wanted to make it special and take her mind and mine off the struggles we were having.
When we came back from Aruba in October of that year she began becoming super distant from me. This threw me off and led me to investigat, I found out everything I needed to know. She had an almost year long physical affair with a coworker and had started an emotional affair with a new guy near end of year.
This dude slid into her dms on Instagram as she was posting a lot of selfish to get attention, turns out the guy was separated or divorced and had cheated on his wife before as well. He has a daughter who he sees on weekends and has to pay child support. So in the beginning of 2023 she had moved out, we had started going to MC and it was suggested we go on dates and start to try and reconnect.
I did this and we'd have outings and spend time together, then 2 months later she tells me she slept with someone else. I was floored and stopped spending time with her even though she'd ask at times. Her excuse was to get me out of the house. I gave her an ultimatum, you either come back and work on marriage or we sell our home and move on.
In wnd of May 2023 our mutual friend was dying and we were by her bedside as she was passing. During the previous 3 months I had helped her in any way I could as she was going through late stage cancer treatment and it made me feel better about myself. My ex decided to come back home and work on things.
Everything seemed good until 2 weeks later I find out she called her affair partner to pick up things at her apartment after she promised she wouldn't, apparently he kissed her. When she got back home I got into a huge fight and she packed her bags and went back to apartment which bad 2 months remaining on rent. She came back 2 days later. We worked on things and went to a new Mc under my request and we picked one she agreed to.
3 weeks later we had a big fight after she went to an outing with her coworker who was a super bad apple and was a cheater and had advised my wife the whole process of cheating, how to hide things from me and suggesting to my wife that I had raped her. I hated this woman with a passion, my wife was emulating her in every way. The woman is even dating a.married man and was a terrible influence on her. We had a fight because of this but she wasn't having any of it so she decided to drive to AP house at 1am.
A week later she tells me her physical affair partner at work said me and ex were becoming good buddies, the new ap had taunted me and sent me pictures of her from apartment (non sexual) to antagonize me and sabotage the reconciliation. At this point I told her to get the fuck out of the house.
I decided to take a trip back home to see my parents the next week.
My ex became furious as to why I was traveling for first time ever without her, I kept reminding her she was fucking another dude and to spare me any blame.
So since then I've been trying to push myself as hard as possible to go through the separation/divorce process, she has delayed me on multiple fronts - getting money back from guarantee for ivf success, taking her things out of house and decluttering all her shit, now with mediation.
A small, small part of me still cares about her and she's going through a midlife crisis and the realization she can't be a mother, I stayed true throughout our marriage and never indicated it was family or bust. I didn't even want to do egg donor but she suggested it. Every time we failed ivf I'd buy her flowers and console her. I never considered leaving her to start a family elsewhere and started trying to convince her of the life we could have together without children.
In the end I'm left at almost 42 years old, with no family, no wife and have to restart my life over after losing the best years of my life. I was always committed to my vows and my promises and was never a coward to leave because we couldn't have children, but in the end I was left for the potential of her being a step mom and being with a shitty dude
I'm having a really hard time with everything and am posting here to see if anyone has gone through a similar situation. I have leaned on God, family and friends as much as possible but it is such a struggle. Thanks in advance
update : 2 weeks ago calls me for a payment issue, then when I resolve starts crying and asking why I don't want to talk to her, I say I'm busy and hangup
a week ago calls me after making appointment with mediator (I answer to tell her what paperwork she is going to need so not to delay process) says sorry followed by blame about why things went they way they did, I reminded her I was physically and emotionally abused by her, tells me I should be happier now that I don't have to deal with that. I reply to her with yes I am, I sleep well and I don't come home anxious and I don't drink to cope with the abuse. she drops off cats Saturday I take them, don't let her inside house, she texts after saying she's noticed I've moved on, followed by 2 days of sorry about everything. yesterday I ask if she can take cats on Saturday (I have ice fishing plans for weekend, which I didn't tell her) . she then follows to reply to me accidentally asking if I'm taking out daughter tomorrow for her birthday. this message was intended for her lover, she immediately deletes and not before I screenshot it. so I go scorched earth and drive cats to her apartment, I think I'm going to forget mediation and go straight through lawyers, maybe even get her served at work. I don't care what she does in her life but being reminded and showed to my face triggered me. she's been trying to manipulate me even at the end stages and she slipped up. yeah definitely narcissistic personality

Hi Rickster:

Welcome to SI and very sorry to read of your situation. D is your correct path. Will your WW ever come out of her fog or MLC and realize what she has lost? Possibly, but who knows. You can’t control her. You have been through enough. Everyone here understands how incredibly unfair all of this is to you. You have been true to your vows. That’s all any of us can do. Keep moving forward promptly with D.

Here’s the best advice I have: no contact equals not new hurts. Don’t pain shop her social media. Communicate only on matters in writing. Time to move on with your life. You are still young and have an entire life ahead of you. Get IC help if you can. You have suffered a real trauma. Further engaging with her will just drag you back with more hurts. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:57 PM, Wednesday, February 21st]

I agree get as far away from her as you can. It’s a blessing you don’t have kids with her however hard that is to hear. Divorce her, move on and find someone else to start a family with.

To answer your question about couples reconciling after divorce, yes it happens. I know of one couple that did it. But in your situation I wouldn’t even entertain it unless she is fully repentant and crawls back through broken glass. Even then I would be cautious because she sounds like a narc.

[This message edited by Jajaynumb at 3:00 PM, Wednesday, February 21st]

OP, you are only 42 years old. While that’s right on the edge biologically for a woman to have kids, you are likely fine to persue a family with even a slightly younger woman. Cut your losses and invest hard in yourself including learning how to pick better next time. You got this!

You are taking the best path, given what you have to work with.
You have to get yourself out of infidelity. Only then will the healing really start.
I am sorry she just isn’t willing or capable to R, but you can only control you.

42 is young. Really. You have so many options ahead of you.
Focus on you, and let her focus on her. It sucks and it hurts, but you will heal and have a great new beginning.

Thank you all for your kind words, sometimes it's good to get perspective from those who have lived through the same, people who haven't gone through this do not know what it's like no matter how hard they try or how good their intentions are

I would definitely pursue D with no contact. I wouldn't even entertain R if she crawled over broken glass. There are better people out there for you. Not one that abuses you with her infidelity and lack of empathy. You are young and can meet a nice woman who can bear your kids now. Let this one go. You will be happy you dodged this bullet in time. Takes 2-5 years to heal from this whether you R od D so give yourself space to heal and flourish in your new life.

Rickster19 - to answer your question: yes, I am one of those people who fully dissolved their marriage, moved to another state, bought a new house, got a new job, and find myself now casually dating my WH from afar.

My timeline: Dday 1 - 10/17
Dday 2 - 10/18 (A never ended he just took it underground - so a year to the day of false R)
12/18- WH starts IC at my request
1/19 - A restarts
2/19 or 3/19 - Dday 3 (A went back underground for 6-8 weeks - I'm not sure exactly how long now to be honest)
4/19 - WH restarts IC and is still attending now for himself
Late 2019/early 2020 (can't remember - haha) - divorced
Spring 2021 - moved to another state and bought house (was supposed to happen in early 2020 but the pandemic came so I stayed a year longer with WH in our house)

WH and I initially decided, after he had been in therapy for about 1 year and because we were in COVID lockdown together, to start working on our friendship. I will admit that but for COVID and us basically having little choice about moving out or anything else like changing jobs etc I would likely have left and never spoke to him again and he would have written that off in his head as a loss and likely let me go. Because we were stuck there and as WH was in the first year of IC, reduced work schedule, with a lot of time to focus on himself, that turned into a lot of ancillary "us" work which was not romantically based but instead was friendship based. We now date occasionally, but like vacation dating, or even an affair, we have a great time because it is only for a short period. We no longer have the day to day issues nor do we have any serious commitment. It's hardly a return to the profound love we once had.

Will your story mirror mine? Likely not. It could - anything can happen, but I'm guessing that once you get away from your WS for awhile you will no longer want for her return.